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    #16
    Originally posted by chris-k View Post
    Like many here, when the pain, AD, and other complications of SCI seem overwhelming, I have dark thoughts about ending it all.

    I rest, take my meds and hope it passes. I know suicide would have a terrible effect on my family and I still have good days I look forward to, I hope!

    45 years and counting, I keep going because of momentum I think, that and I am basically a coward -- surviving suicide would be an unthinkable terror.

    As for communicating with interested fellow members in private conversations, I'm in if it helps somebody. No great advise to offer, but others have helped me in the past so maybe I can pay it forward.
    When I was in rehab there was a head injury unit right next door to the SCI unit I was on. One lady in her 30s survived a self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head (left 1/3rd of her head blown off and missing one eye and socket with half her body paralyzed). It would be nice if all of us could find a peaceful refuge in this life no matter how small.

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      #17
      I've known two guys who have taken their own lives. Neither suffered from pain both were high quads and neither it seems mentioned anything too anyone. Then I know someone who has every reason to want to end things pain, sores, recurring Uti's and for the most part tries to have nothing but a positive outlook on life.

      Myself I find my mind is on the thread subject more and more and had even started writing goodbye letters four months ago. I come on here and with everyone's encouragement and knowing I'm not the only one going through this I've been able to turn the calendar a few more pages.
      Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. .(John Wayne)

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        #18
        Just keep it an open discussion, to banish it to PMs is like hiding from the problem. Keeping it in the dark. I think Bill's original post is important.
        Originally posted by kk
        can we have a meaningful discussion here? I'm weary of the struggle and am spiraling down. I dont think it should be ignored and i'm hoping for a serious dialog. I am not insane but there is nothing left, all that i am is all gone and pain has already taken my light and soul, leaving only a totured body.

        I have questions and comments and suspect a few of us do

        Moderators i know how troubling this is to the community and at some level to its goals, but if not here with our family who understand, where.

        Respectfully,

        Ket
        Please donate a dollar a day at http://justadollarplease.org.
        Copy and paste this message to the bottom of your signature.

        Thanks!

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          #19
          Irony. Just looked at today's birthdays and Susan Fajt's was today ... I know it wasn't a suicide (I hope) but still .. floored me.
          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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            #20
            I'd suggest to anybody DON'T DO IT. Life is precious, work through what you've got going on and things can change. There has to be some sort of Joy in your life? If you feel there is not take up new interests and stay busy, that is the key. Have a purpose in life.
            "Life is about how you
            respond to not only the
            challenges you're dealt but
            the challenges you seek...If
            you have no goals, no
            mountains to climb, your
            soul dies".~Liz Fordred

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              #21
              made my earlier offer too soon. i wish we could discuss suicide but understand that it is a sensitive issue.
              Last edited by djk; 15 Jun 2013, 10:07 PM.

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                #22
                I've thought about it for 20 years, but not until the last couple, have I considered going through with it. I don't want to, mind you. I'm in a lot of pain, but I can deal with that.
                My living situation is nearing a point where I might have to go to a nursing home. (My folks are getting to old to manage my care) There are no assisted living homes in my state or area and if I end up in the nursing home, and they are as dismal as I've been told, I won't stay long. I know how I'll do it, if I chose to do it, and it will look to be an accident.
                I'd rather live another 50 years, but I don't see that happening. People say that money can't buy happiness and that might be true, but if I had enough for my own home and to have an attendant or two at times, I'd at least be fairly content.
                I hope something positive will come my way and allow me to continue to dwell upon this world, but time is running out. We'll see how things play out, I guess.

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                  #23
                  I am only a caregiver, and contemplate suicide sometimes. Hang in there. I hope you find beauty in life, and a way to go on. I would be so devastated if my partner stopped trying.
                  Partner of an incredible stroke survivor. Limitations: hemiparesis and neglect (functional paralysis and complete lack of awareness on one side). Equipment: TiLite ZRA 2 and 2GX, Spinergy ZX-1, RioMobility Firefly. Knowledge: relative newbie for high-level equipment (2012), but willing to try to help others who are new with similar limitations (definitely not a guru, but inquisitive).

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                    #24
                    I was reading a thriller a few weeks back (one of my addictions) and this author includes what is fact after the ending of each book. This one gave a quick mention of work on using propranol on purposely creating amnesia of events long term in people suffering PTSD. I just Googled it and this might be something your pain doctor might be willing to try on an inpatient trial. Memory of pain is a big component of chronic pain. Anyway, try reading a few of these http://www.google.com/#q=propranolol...w=1453&bih=722

                    It's strange how life works. I had a full plan at 15 for suicide well before my SCI. I feared that I might be the one where genetics and environment colided into schizophrenia. If I got any warning I needed to be ready because refused to live as a zombie on drugs that do not work but just dull everything to nothing. And without meds, well, being a threat to innocent others was not something I could live with either. That plan was not something I dwelt on because that alone could help trigger things. I celebrated turning 30 and the odds of my being the one of the 4 of us went to the same as the uneffected population. The plan disappeared. My Dad's first question when he was told of my spinal infarct and induced coma was "but is her brain ok?" He was so happy to know that my brain was fine and once I woke up I'd be ok upstairs. Yes, I've been through the burning pain and thankfully the worst left about a year out. My feet still go flaming and of all the stupid things moisturizer helps the most. Well, until this winter. Now the arthritis in my contracted hand seems to be pressing on a nerve that is only helped my something I can't take very often, NSAIDS. Pretty dumb but an Aleve can double me over for days. I have a few appointments to make and when I see my physiatrist we'll be talking about a hand surgeon that might do some bone shaving or something.

                    I use diversion a lot. When I went from burning thighs to sciatica the stuff I considered quakery, accupuncture, did wonders within a few visits. So did planning vacations, lobbying cure laws, getting invites to sit in on neuroscience lectures at 2 universities, planning the spring bulbs and dinners with friends at our place. And I have a Husband who has dealt with serious pain before too, a Dad who has his own serious pain problems now, and a wonderful dog Maggie who was getting Tramodal after knee surgery 2 years ago.

                    At one point a friend from here asked me to be a third on a support triangle. Some counselors suggest that those with chronic problems and suicidal thoughts occasionally make a triangle of those who have the same basic diagnosis but with different backgrounds. The idea of 3 is so if one is unreachable and you're feeling desperate the other should be reachable. The man who asked me to be a member of his died of pnuemonia and fought hard to live for his daughter. His calendar had a lot of dates about her life and he died before her high school graduation.

                    I guess I am for sticking around as long as you are you. OK, so you might be a cranky you at times or a stand in for Dopey but that's me. It sounds like you have a great doc so try more than meds. I was amazed at what a heated therapy pool can do and occasionally farted off the PT part just to float with nothing pushing on me but water for a change. One guy needed to wear socks to enjoy the same same feeling.

                    Can I ask what your spiritual advisors said?
                    Last edited by Sue Pendleton; 15 Jun 2013, 11:14 PM.
                    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

                    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

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                      #25
                      Humans are curious by nature, always wondering what's on the other side of the hill or around the next corner. That trait keeps many people going, and it's a good reason. I expect b&b to be restored in my lifetime; maybe even more. One never knows, thus the need to keep moving ahead. That's easier said than done in a lot of cases, I know.

                      Perspective is important. There is no equivalency between any two SCI injuries as to complete/incomplete, what level, resulting problems from the injury, pain levels, etc. I could never understand Scott's first person point of view, but I can learn more about it.

                      Passion is a key, we need to be passionate about something in our lives, anything at all, just something that lights us up some way. That makes us want to get up in the morning. If we don't have that we have to keep trying to find it always, because it's out there for all of us. Sometimes right in front of us, other times seeming far away.

                      I believe that the ability to not let negative thoughts occupy our mind as they're wont to do, especially if one is alone and not mobile, is something that if learned can change a person's whole outlook forever. It's a constant battle, but after awhile your subconscious pushes the bad thoughts away without your conscious self even knowing, and the times you feel low are lessened greatly.

                      I hope you're around for 50 more Scott, you have a lot of friends here.

                      Originally posted by Scott C4/5 View Post
                      I've thought about it for 20 years, but not until the last couple, have I considered going through with it. I don't want to, mind you. I'm in a lot of pain, but I can deal with that.
                      My living situation is nearing a point where I might have to go to a nursing home. (My folks are getting to old to manage my care) There are no assisted living homes in my state or area and if I end up in the nursing home, and they are as dismal as I've been told, I won't stay long. I know how I'll do it, if I chose to do it, and it will look to be an accident.
                      I'd rather live another 50 years, but I don't see that happening. People say that money can't buy happiness and that might be true, but if I had enough for my own home and to have an attendant or two at times, I'd at least be fairly content.
                      I hope something positive will come my way and allow me to continue to dwell upon this world, but time is running out. We'll see how things play out, I guess.
                      Please donate a dollar a day at http://justadollarplease.org.
                      Copy and paste this message to the bottom of your signature.

                      Thanks!

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                        #26
                        Originally posted by Scott C4/5 View Post
                        I've thought about it for 20 years, but not until the last couple, have I considered going through with it. I don't want to, mind you. I'm in a lot of pain, but I can deal with that.
                        My living situation is nearing a point where I might have to go to a nursing home. (My folks are getting to old to manage my care) There are no assisted living homes in my state or area and if I end up in the nursing home, and they are as dismal as I've been told, I won't stay long. I know how I'll do it, if I chose to do it, and it will look to be an accident.
                        I'd rather live another 50 years, but I don't see that happening. People say that money can't buy happiness and that might be true, but if I had enough for my own home and to have an attendant or two at times, I'd at least be fairly content.
                        I hope something positive will come my way and allow me to continue to dwell upon this world, but time is running out. We'll see how things play out, I guess.
                        No offense, but are you positive there are no assisted living facilities at all? Elder care is such a booming industry that assisted living facilities seem to be popping up everywhere. If that's something that would help your situation, I hope there is a resource out there for you.

                        I did a quick search and it looks like this website has a geographic search feature to help find a facility. I don't know whether they focus on supporting any particular network or anything, but I also know you should be able to find resources through your state health department.

                        http://www.aplaceformom.com/assisted-living

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                          #27
                          A family member is a social worker and has checked. My health nurse came by the other day and confirmed it. There are a couple of nice senior homes within the area but they are private pay only. There are a few nursing homes that take people with ssi and or disability, but as I said, they aren't exactly places one looks forward to going to.
                          And from what I've read, nursing homes don't particularly like taking in quadriplegics due to their extra needs and their awareness of said needs.

                          By the way, I didn't mean to hijack the thread... I was thinking of starting my own thread, but saw this one decided to contribute to it.
                          Last edited by Scott C4/5; 16 Jun 2013, 12:00 AM.

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                            #28
                            Originally posted by LaMemChose View Post
                            FO is correct. These discussions are better handled face to face in private AND with qualified professionals.
                            I have to disagree, ME. This issue shouldn't be hidden away, it should be open for us to talk about because we all share the burden and can encourage each other to live. When I get really down, I don't discuss it with a professional, I discuss with other disabled people who can truly empathize and give me different ways of viewing things from a disabled perspective.

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                              #29
                              Originally posted by Le Type Fran├žais View Post
                              I have to disagree, ME. This issue shouldn't be hidden away, it should be open for us to talk about because we all share the burden and can encourage each other to live. When I get really down, I don't discuss it with a professional, I discuss with other disabled people who can truly empathize and give me different ways of viewing things from a disabled perspective.
                              I want to be clear for you and all, Todd. I'm not saying that people shouldn't post about their existential struggles. What I am saying, and will continue to believe, is that any discussion that starts with suicide being a foregone conclusion and proceeds toward that goal is incompatible with and destructive to a mission dedicated to coping and cure.
                              Foolish

                              "We have met the enemy and he is us."-POGO.

                              "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."~Edgar Allan Poe

                              "Dream big, you might never wake up!"- Snoop Dogg

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                                #30
                                There are some CC members who do not have access to a professional to deal with this. Having been in that predicament in my early SCI years, I wish I had known that I was not alone in my struggle. I hung on to spare my parents the additional pain. They would have taken my loss as a personal failure. However, after hanging on long enough unpredictable things happened that turned my life around completely. That is the message I have tried to pass along.

                                I have had a few SCIs who I worked with over the years commit suicide. I understand that it reaches far beyond a personal escape from hell on earth. I remember everyone of them to this day. I still wonder if I could have done something that could have spared everyone from the pain.

                                That said, I also accept that everyone has the right to opt out if they choose to do so voluntarily and rationally. Three states have now legalized assisted suicide: Washington, Oregon, and most recently Vermont because of that reasoning. It also recognizes that people do sometime reach an irreversible state where death is the rational and humane choice.

                                In closing, I look at this thread as an example of caring about CC members who perhaps have a greatest need for compassion and understanding.
                                You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @
                                http://www.rstce.pitt.edu/RSTCE_Reso...imb_Injury.pdf

                                See my personal webpage @
                                http://cccforum55.freehostia.com/

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