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I have had it. I can't take it any more

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  • #31
    Here is Jasper a few days before:
    Thanks Lonecoaster and Lynnifer for your notes. I know I am a newbie at SCI compared to you. My hats off that you can stay positive. Sorry Lonecoaster to break your bubble about temporarily losing it to SCI. I am feeling better. It is the evenings that get me. I think the pain crescendos.

    Imight - that is good about tramadol helping you.

    djk - there is a price to pay with all the meds. The side effects, paradoxical increase in pain, withdrawal to look forward to , downregulation of synaptic opiate receptors, etc.
    Thanks HLH, David, Bonnette , Lameme- I am not giving up - I never was - I just needed to scream out. F*ck SCI and the medical complications, chronic pain that makes one to close to the edge to manage the normal ups and downs of life, and the death of my beautiful friend.

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    • #32
      Jasper, how beautiful...inside and out.
      MS with cervical and thoracic cord lesions

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      • #33
        arndog, Sorry about your loss, our pets can be closer to us than family and friends. We tell them things we don't discuss with others because they listen to us unconditionally.

        Even though they can't answer or take the pain away some how they make dealing with it a little easier.
        I don't have pets anymore because I can't imagine dealing with the pain of losing another one while at the same time dealing with the pain caused by SCI.

        Since I've worn my family out complaining about my pains I have now turn to my SCI brothers and sisters on here when it comes to helping me deal it. You've been one of them giving me words of encouragement when times have been hard. Four months ago I was writing goodbye letters to family and friends with plans of ending it all June 28 my 29th anniversary.
        I couldn't and at times still can't take the pain. But you and others encouraged me too keep trying and to take as much medication as was needed to get through that day and onto the next.
        I'm so glad to hear you were just having a I need to say, f*&K IT day and you are sticking around to wallow in the misery with the rest of us.

        Again sorry about Jasper, I hope today was a little better and tommorrow more so.
        Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. .(John Wayne)

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        • #34
          As everyone is saying, it is a roller coaster. Keep talking here. It probably puts you on the uphill.

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          • #35
            (((Jasper))) Looks like a great dog!
            Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

            T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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            • #36
              So sorry about Jasper. They touch our lives in so many ways.

              I hope you are feeling better today. When I had to put my Daisy down...I lost it too. It just gets too much.

              (((hugs)))
              T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

              My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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              • #37
                I'm so sorry, Anrdog! I cannot imagine. You're in my thoughts.
                Incomplete, SCI, T1-T8, w/ Arachnoid Cyst. Bilateral shoulder surgeries, 2 on the left, 3 on the right, right forearm surgery for a crushed radial nerve.

                "We can always choose to perceive things differently. We can focus on what's wrong in our life, or we can focus on what's right."
                — Marianne Williamson

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                • #38
                  Losing a dog is awful! I'm so sorry for your loss.

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                  • #39
                    It was somehow uplifting, edifying, or something like that to read your first post

                    I then wrote this...
                    I am (tired of) pharmacologically stamping out pain when it shows up.
                    I'm tired of nodding off like a junky.
                    I'm tired of the thought "what if my dr cuts me off".
                    I remember the first 6 years of sci pain...I toughed it out before I entered the realm of pharmacology.
                    I remember the horrid side effects of the newest miracle antiepileptic drug..
                    I am (tired of) the indignantcy of not being allowed a handful of seconal..
                    I am (tired of) the indignantcy of wanting a handful of seconal.........
                    ........just thinking.

                    always, mass respects to you arndog and all.
                    sorry about jasper

                    Hope I aint too improperally improper.
                    tom


                    Welcome to The Flat Earth Society

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                    • #40
                      What difference would it make if I reached the end of my rope, or not? It's not like I have any way of euthanizing myself to and the torment. There are no spare Kevorkian machines available, and even if there were, nobody around me would let me get one.
                      Alan

                      Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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                      • #41
                        Thanks -Da Lurker. I have a lot of the same thoughts. I think I need to enquire if my pain management physician plans on retiring and I will have to find a new one who may have a different philosophy about meds, like "no one needs opiates".

                        Alan - don't you have control over what you eat and drink? What is stopping you from stopping eating or drinking water? I don't mean to be endorsing this but I hate to hear that you don't have control. I have the same thoughts at times and hope I have control when the time is right.
                        Thanks for letting me know.

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                        • #42
                          If I were to try to stop eating or drinking, my sister would have me sent to the hospital.

                          Plus, those really are not the good ways to go. Starving can take an awfully long time (look how long some people manage to stay on hunger strikes.)
                          Alan

                          Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by arndog View Post
                            Here is Jasper a few days before:
                            Thanks Lonecoaster and Lynnifer for your notes. I know I am a newbie at SCI compared to you. My hats off that you can stay positive. Sorry Lonecoaster to break your bubble about temporarily losing it to SCI. I am feeling better. It is the evenings that get me. I think the pain crescendos.

                            Imight - that is good about tramadol helping you.

                            djk - there is a price to pay with all the meds. The side effects, paradoxical increase in pain, withdrawal to look forward to , downregulation of synaptic opiate receptors, etc.
                            Thanks HLH, David, Bonnette , Lameme- I am not giving up - I never was - I just needed to scream out. F*ck SCI and the medical complications, chronic pain that makes one to close to the edge to manage the normal ups and downs of life, and the death of my beautiful friend.
                            Hi Arndog,

                            My favorite dog of all time was an English Pointer. It was the dog I grew up with in my "formative" years. Her name was Penny (because of her liver-colored spots) and we think she ate the neighbor's rat poison (I never saw a rat in our neighborhood ever) and got jaundice and died. I remember thinking that the vet was lying to us because she was such a good dog and he wanted to keep her for himself! I think I was around 12 or so. I sure cried myself dry that week. Here she has a cameo appearance at timestamp 1:25 to 1:43 in an old 8mm film. It was filmed at my grandparent's house in Gates County, NC.



                            I'm the blond haired punk, my older brother has the darker hair and the girl is my younger sister. My brother hanged himself last April (2012) from a tree across the field from the back of my house. I'm still really pissed off at him. I miss him so much. I curse him just about every damn day for leaving me here all alone. He was in perfect health... he just had a stupid argument with his jerk of a boyfriend. I thought after his boyfriend kicked him out that he was coming here to live with me for awhile. I call my spare back room "Ricky's room" because I figured some day he's be moving in. He wasn't the most responsible person in the world but he was so funny and entertaining. But instead, he decided to cut the cord from my steam vac and he hanged himself. We (the police) found him 6 days later. He was hanging all that damn time. Fuck.

                            Anyway, I'm on 100mgs of slow release morphine 3Xs a day for a horrific neuro-pain in my right flank area. I'm trying to get the dose increased but don't want to push my doctor for fear of being cut off totally and having to suffer with the added pain and of course the dreaded withdrawals. OxyContin works better but pain doctors fear the DEA so much that they're afraid to prescribe it. During my last pain clinic visit I requested and got some gabapentin (Neurontin) and that seems to work pretty well. It works for awhile, as long as I can keep upping the dose every month by 300mgs a day. But as soon as I hit the max at about 3600mgs a day it stops working. Then I have to lay off of it for a year or so to reset my brain.

                            I hope you're able to find something that works for you. It takes awhile to tune into a mixture and dose that works. It never takes all the pain away, just takes the edge off. But at 3:00 in the morning while staring at the TV writhing in pain anything is better than nothing. SCI pain sux.

                            Sorry about ol' Jasper. He doesn't look like my Penny... he has a broader snout but maybe it's because he was older and just had a different build. My last 3 dogs have been greyhounds. I'm "dogless" now... I'm getting older and I'm afraid I may be going into the hospital more often and won't be able to care for another dog properly. I live alone. I'm still thinking about getting one though. I love dogs. They don't judge you, they just love you.

                            Take care Arndog.

                            Bob.
                            Last edited by bob clark; 06-11-2013, 01:56 AM.
                            "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

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                            • #44
                              Bob - thanks for your supportive note. Another English Pointer lover - good man. I too cried my eyes dry upon Jasper's death. I am so sorry about your loss of your brother. That video is great. That was another era for sure. Jasper was abnormally huge - the Shaquille O'neal of pointers. Looks like Penny had black spots. We had a german short haired pointer die from eating the neighbors poison too.

                              I am still very tired from neuropathic pain and all the effort I have to put into it,

                              regards,
                              arndog

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                              • #45
                                Sorry to hear about both your tragic experience's, arndog and bob.

                                It is good to hear you are well and wanting to work these pains that could easily take control.

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