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Unbearable agony came close today

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    Unbearable agony came close today

    a number of months now. seeing some new docs, nothing yet.

    So tired sooo much pain.

    almost punched my ticket, actually called a suicide hot line, obviously worked.

    MUST make it to next Feb, but don't know how. an hourly battle.

    usually puke up what I eat, can't sleep.

    hopeless lost and fading

    all that I am is all gone, selling giving everything away, i have become a ghost of myself.

    Last edited by bollefen; 2 May 2012, 4:57 PM. Reason: i type like shit

    The Ketamine Kitty

    All the tears, all the pain, all the rage through the night (apolgies to the rewrite) RR

    Next time I die make sure I'm gone,
    don't leave 'em nothing to work on JT

    And I ain't nothin but a dream JM

    Glad you called the hotline.

    Wish I had a magic wand to fix your life so you could enjoy living.

    Please take care. I care.


      Please hang in there. You have friends here.


        I can find nothing to say except my heart breaks for you, and I care too.


          Holding you closer in my thoughts every minute, Ket Kit, hoping that the beauty you captured through the lens of your camera can help shield you from the agony that's determined to steal you from those of us who love you.
          It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

          ~Julius Caesar



            My heart breaks for you. I know pain but I don't know your pain. I care.

            I wish there was something I could do.

            T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

            My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown


              Thoughts are with you mate, its hard to believe that in this day and age they can't find something that works for you. I hope you have better luck with the new doctor. You've been so strong just to stick with it to this point, I hope you can hold on long enough to get some kind of relief.

              T11 Asia A after near-fatal bike crash.. Just happy to still be here

              No, I didn't loose my mind... It got scared and ran away!!


                I there were words to help ease the pain I don't understand why life has to be so cruel. It's bad enough we can't crap or piss like normal, I had a melt down from pain on monday. I hope & pray your able to find some relief soon!
                Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. .(John Wayne)


                  like everybody else, i wish i could do something. as you encourage me, i'll encourage you to hang in there.


                    Hang in there Bill, we're all here with you.


                      Bill - I volunteered for 4 years at the suicide hotline answering phones. I wish you could volunteer answering and helping people like someone helped you when you called. I think that anyone here has been through so much that we would all be naturals at providing that compassion needed.

                      It has been great for me and I just think you would be great at it. It was a segue to me developing my confidence to go back to work in a similar field - social security disability insurance - at least there is a similarity in the populations that are served. In Nevada, it is in a small call center with 3 desks, a couch, a staff member and an incredible education of 80 hours you have to do before you can answer the phones and it goes over the science and art of suicidology and provides an algorithm (Assist Training) of what to do on the phone which helps with our personal view of the whole subject and provides a great framework that people of all educations can understand.
                      It would be a great thing for you to look into. I did it with my wife, and we would do a 4 hour shift once a week. Something I think you would be incredible at.........
                      Anywaays, hang in there. Many people count on your self preservation and you owe to them.



                        get outside
                        don't think about any of this at nighttime


                          Hang in there Bill,

                          Mr. Bill , I am so sorry for your pain my friend, like all of us on here it tears at my heart to hear your pain. I have been there a lot of us have. I am compelled to tell you my story, I hope it helps some. Like you my pain was unbearable and would keep me up for days. The pain meds, spinal blocks, tens units, acupuncture nothing helped. I was at my wits end, contemplated suicide on many occasions. I hit the point of return one night , and attempted suicide. That was the lowest point in my life ever even worse than becoming paralyzed. I was in the hospital for two weeks healing from my self inflicted gun shot wound. I have to tell you, that was the most selfish, shamefull, and painfull thing I have ever done to myself, but most importantly to my family and those who loved me. My own little daughter had to call 911 for me, I was trying to kill the pain with alcohol that night and could not rationalize and early in the am. I made that attempt. That was over 12 years ago, since then I have experienced so many great times, that i would have messed if I wasn't around. My daughters marriages my grandkids my new wife. everything. I thank God for the second chance on life. The only way i got rid of the chronic pain, was keeping busy not focusing, forcing myself to work thru the pain with keeping my mnd busy. I know it may sound crazy, but i somehow was able to dull the pain to where it only affedts me 2 times a week or so. I will pray for you my friend and I really feel for you. I hope my story wasn't to over powering. I had to share, take care Mr. bill . Nick Mireles


                            Anxiety makes pain worse, I know this personally. Try to think of something else for even a moment while you are having your pain. Just make a moment of thought about something else happen. Try again a few minutes later. At some point you may not realize that you are thinking about something else and it's been more than a few seconds, it almost happened on it's own. I've never been able to stop the pain with my attitude, but getting through it by thinking less about it has helped.

                            I don't know your kind of pain. I don't know what can be done and I really really hope for some relief for you, for just a moment. I know what it's like when you get a moment when it doesn't hurt so much and it's like heaven, like life renewed. I pray you get a moment like that. I also hope that there is a medical solution that just hasn't been found for you yet but will come. I am very sorry you feel so bad. Please don't feel bad about yourself because you are in pain. It's not your fault. Hang in there as much as you can.


                              Oh Bill...Ket...
                              I think of you often. I know the pain has isolated you, but you are so not alone.