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    Is this normal for now?

    Mike is home..... Spent the day yesterday nice to everyone and shitty to me because we had a hard time getting out of the car, into the house, or I had a hard time putting the stupid leg rests on the chair etc. The whole day wasn't bad. Then, A L L N I G H T long he wakes up about every fifteen minutes cussing and and saying he can't live like this etc. Oh ya, and did I mention I did his cath all night. It isn't all bad you guys, we had a lot of good moments yeserday. He watched me and the kids swim and his friends visitied etc.

    So, when do I finally tell him to suck it up and shut up and do your own cath etc. He is still very sore and won't take meds, so I am empathizing big time. Anyway, do I cut him off cold turkey or ween him for a few days. I know they say the first days are the hardest.

    #2
    Several healthcare professionals warned me the person the injured loves the most gets the brunt of hthe hostility. I find it true. At least you know he loves YOU the most. Best wishes, be strong and ask yourself how you would behave if YOU were him.

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      #3
      It is very difficult for all of us not in his shoes to judge on such a difficult situation. I can tell you that the first time I got in my car it took me like fifteen minutes. It sucked. Now I get in and out with A LOT less effort on the same car and it is no big deal.

      If you ask me, cathing at night ranks right there with "taking a dump" as the biggest pain in the ass about SCI. Thank God I don't have pain and other than not being able to pass the cath very early on, I have had no major complications.

      I had a shattered left wrist and a TLSO so my wife had to do pretty much everything for a long time. Sometimes she is an easy target, but I try really hard to make it up to her and appreciate everything she does. Sometimes, when I am tired she still once in a while helps me out with the midnight cath. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

      Having said that, our relationship is pretty much the same as it was before. She still lets me have it when she thinks I am out of line and bitches at me with no mercy. That is good, pitty is bad. Self pitty is the worst, I think, to make it through all of this. It will get easier, it takes time.

      Does Mike have other SCI related complications? How are his other injuries healing up? Has he been curious about visiting this site?? Sooner rather than later it should be him asking all the questions. My wife doesn't even know this site exists (ok, yes she does because she sees me visiting so often but she has never visited). Eventually he has to take command of his care.
      T6 complete (or so I think), SCI since September 21, 2003

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        #4
        ...he needs to suck it up and shut it up asap....sooner the better.....you're the wife not the doormat...and he needs to get his ass on-line and learn somthing instead of you having to be his "modem"......if you don't get him movin the resentment will settle in before you know it....don't let it get to that point, you need each other, ...he needs to understand he's not the only one dealing with this...

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          #5
          He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...

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            #6
            Hey There...

            Oh... this brings back memories. When Don came home... he immediately wanted to sit on the couch (which of course was at least 6 inches lower than his chair)... he was weak and had no trouble getting on the couch. A couple of hours later (when he was REALLY tired) he wanted to get back into the chair and into the bed... well... getting into the chair was IMPOSSIBLE. In getting back into the chair... we had to remove the J2 cushion and he ripped off the back rest trying to transfer... He screamed, cussed and was generally in a really bad mood. We finally got him into the bed and I laid awake that night and wondered if I would have the strength to stay... but I'm still here.

            I told him the way it was... and he got into the groove and has been there ever since... Chopperchick... it will get better... we have a rule in our house.. no feeling sorry for himself except for a maximum of 15 minutes a day... during that 15 minutes... he can cuss, scream, throw a tantrum but after the 15 minutes... it's over until the next day... he hasn't had a 15 minute episode for months now... but the anniversary of his injury is coming on May 28th so we shall see!

            Hang in there... Don does not come to Care Cure either so I am here instead.

            Sieg

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              #7
              I was an asshole when I got home as well. It sucks when you get to your home and see everything you used to be able to do that you can't do anymore. It also somehow reminds you(or just me, I could be wrong) how you are now paralyzed. It sucks. I was also VERY mean to my g/f in the hospital and when I got home, it's gotten better since then. Be paitent, remember, you have NO IDEA what he's going through. And whatever you do, don't tell him if you guys are fighting, "Do you know what I'm going through?!" I went NUTS when my g/f said that.

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                #8
                Originally posted by ChopperChick
                Mike is home..... Spent the day yesterday nice to everyone and shitty to me because we had a hard time getting out of the car, into the house, or I had a hard time putting the stupid leg rests on the chair etc. The whole day wasn't bad. Then, A L L N I G H T long he wakes up about every fifteen minutes cussing and and saying he can't live like this etc. Oh ya, and did I mention I did his cath all night. It isn't all bad you guys, we had a lot of good moments yeserday. He watched me and the kids swim and his friends visitied etc.

                So, when do I finally tell him to suck it up and shut up and do your own cath etc. He is still very sore and won't take meds, so I am empathizing big time. Anyway, do I cut him off cold turkey or ween him for a few days. I know they say the first days are the hardest.
                Hi Chopper. It sounds as if Mike has a major depressive disorder, compounded by pain. The medication issue is key I think. I do not like to take medication myself, and many people avoid taking medication they don´t need. People are afraid of side effects and addiction.
                Here´s something to think about: what are the side effects of NOT TAKING the medication? I´ll list a few for you.
                1) Unable to sleep
                2) Desperate
                3) Hopeless and helpless.
                4) Unable to perform self care
                5) In Pain
                6) Alienating his loved ones

                It seems to me that a visit to a PCP he trusts is in order. It´s still his decision to take meds or not, but he needs to be fully informed that nowadays antidepressant medications are better and have fewer side effects than before. He also needs to know that he will most likely not get addicted to pain meds, and his and your quality of life would improve substantially with an adequate regimen of pain control. say, for example, a fentanyl patch, which has been a godsend for many.
                I don´t see things improving soon unless he gets these two medical problems treated. Keep in mind that, in the depressed state, he might feel absolutely no motivation to learn to do things himself.

                Once his depression and pain are under control, then is the time to start gently demanding that he start becoming more independent.

                Just my two cents, as someone who became seriously clinically depressed AND had a ton of pain after my accident.

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                  #9
                  just tell him life rolls on homie
                  and the Good Book always helps
                  chopperchick i think you are best to keep him computer illiterate as this machine has destroyed many of aspirations. use it for what it is good for, we both know that CC rocks and SCI sucks. i'm praying for you and your family.
                  Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened

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                    #10
                    You're right Cripply. We need to have a talk. Right now he is sleeping again. Dammit. He will sleep all day and cuss all night. I am exhausted but being with him is like having a newborn so while he sleeps I clean etc. I am going to tell him exactly what you said. Because he is refusing meds, he is just adding the the problem.

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                      #11
                      If your guy has any good friends,brothers or sisters now is the time for them to step up. When you are practicing the frustrating and sometimes scary, practical aspects of sci like transferring it can be good to have mates around.
                      I was lucky enough to have brothers and sisters that I could have a big shouting match with yet be over it in like an hour ,a healthy release for all concerned . That said I realise that rows in a marriage don't heal so quick.
                      If it is in any way possible ,step back for a while . The first year or two of this injury are going to be hell for him but eventually the same guy you love will re emerge.
                      My advice is do whatever you have to do to survive those two years for your own sanity.

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                        #12
                        i would not give a time frame or even know how to estimate such. its up to him to decide when to change his attitude along with accepting his reality. i think it is like Oprah's Aha moment..... it sounds like he needs a reality check, pinch him (above his injury) and let him know he is still alive. tell him life is worth it, but please do not verbally remind him of your constant help, this was for sure my most aggrevating experience in the beginning, escept the black-outs. the constant reminder of being helpless and needy sucks, especially from others as i already do it to myself enough.
                        Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened

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                          #13
                          I don't know about him but there are certain medicines that I actually NEED to take for at least 6 months: Nexium and Coumadin. I've had a blood clot so I'm taking Coumadin for that and Nexium is because I am much more prone to stomach ulcers due to the accident. He might be the same with some medicines. Ask his doctors or nurses. He doesn't want the pain medicine????? I couldn't live without it, it's good in a way that he doesn't take that stuff though..... People get addicted to that stuff, like me

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                            #14
                            It took me a few weeks to adjust to being home...I wasn't angry, but I can understand why Mike is. I've had angry moments tho. I hated(still do) taking pain meds, was always afraid of the addictive properties of what they had me on. I know it's hard to deal with, but give him time, it really is a normal reaction. If you can, get him out of the house and interacting with his friends/family. I really isolated myself unintentionally, but the longer the time frame became the more isolated from my old friends I became. You mentioned that it took him a long time getting out of the car, it will take less and less time each time he does it....My first transfer into the van took over 45 minutes(and a lot of frustrations)...My first transfer into my truck didn't happen, again, a LOT of frustration....He's going to have a lot of frustration too....that's to be expected. Don't let it get to you, I know it's tough. Keep coming here and talking to us.....
                            'Chelle
                            L-1 inc 11/24/03

                            "My Give-a-Damn's Busted"......

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by Broknwing
                              It took me a few weeks to adjust to being home...I wasn't angry, but I can understand why Mike is. I've had angry moments tho. I hated(still do) taking pain meds, was always afraid of the addictive properties of what they had me on. I know it's hard to deal with, but give him time, it really is a normal reaction. If you can, get him out of the house and interacting with his friends/family. I really isolated myself unintentionally, but the longer the time frame became the more isolated from my old friends I became. You mentioned that it took him a long time getting out of the car, it will take less and less time each time he does it....My first transfer into the van took over 45 minutes(and a lot of frustrations)...My first transfer into my truck didn't happen, again, a LOT of frustration....He's going to have a lot of frustration too....that's to be expected. Don't let it get to you, I know it's tough. Keep coming here and talking to us.....
                              I don't have a problem taking my medicines because I know that they are helping me. If it helps me, I'll do it. The angry moments come and go just like the depression days. Getting into and out of vehicles isn't a problem for me, I hate being in cars/trucks now. It's depressing because my legs just fall to either side.


                              He'll have trouble getting into big trucks. My friend has a lifted Dodge Ram with mud tires and that is a KILLER getting into.

                              Also, he might be embarassed being in a wheelchair now....I was at first. That quickly goes away, though. Me being able to do wheelies also helps that fear. It kind of shows people that I'm comfortable with it.

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