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Is this normal for now?

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    Originally posted by RehabRhino is normal. I was like it. Wanted to fight the world. Smiled at my friends, snapped at my wife....told her I wanted to die, cheerily answered everyone else with 'I'm fine thanks.'

    Doesn't make it right. Remind him you've stuck around but maybe give him some space.

    Can't you get him on here with your help? Sit together and let him read posts?
    Good advices but remember the three T’s “Things Take Time”.
    Last edited by Leif; 20 May 2006, 10:46 AM.


      Originally posted by ChopperChick
      He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...
      you're making the mistake of becoming his caretaker. you will cease to be lovers if you're both not careful. you need a mediator--a counselor.



        I agree.... caretaking and being lovers is hard... Chopperchick's husband should be able to be self-sufficient as he goes out from injury... but it will be hard not to make the relationship into a co-dependent one... I have to fight that urge all the time... Don is a T11 complete and essentially takes care of himself now. But he was weak when he got out of Craig but as the days went by he got stronger and now he does his own thing and we can be lovers again...



          Hey Chopper Chick,
          Welcome home. I empathize with what you are experiencing being the brunt of the anger. I went through the same thing with my husband (C3/4 incomplete). He still has bouts where he turns his anger towards me, but it has gotten better over time. When he slips and aims at me, I just call him on it and tell him he can't talk to me like that. I let him cool off and we later discuss how it makes us both feel. We have really improved our communication skills post injury.

          Though some have stated different here, there are two peoples lives that have been changed drastically by Mikes accident. You may not be paralyzed, but your life and responsibilities have drastically changed in an instant and the loss of your former life is equally tragic and difficult to deal with.

          Mike will deal with this change how he will deal with it, in the time that it takes him to deal with it. And just like spinal cord injuries, no two are alike. If you had a good relationship before his injury, you will find a way to have it after his injury. Life will be good again. He will learn to cath on his own. He will learn to view his life as precious. Just believe this. Keep as positive as you can, and continue to live your life.

          My husband also does not come to this site. He is computer literate and knows about the site and has even joined, but he does not want to belong to this community. I hope that he will someday, but until he does I continue to find a wealth of knowledge and ideas for solutions to our problems. Incidently, we have a big accomplishment yesterday. We went to a movie... the Davinci Code. This marks the first time we have gone anywhere other than doc or therapy since he was injured more than 2.5 years ago. He is just now beginning to create a new life for himself.

          You are a smart, loving, caring, woman. You will figure this out. So will he.


            Originally posted by ChopperChick
            He doesn't know how to use the computer. Truthfully you guys, he is in a real bad spot right now. Even if he did know how to get on, he has no interest in anything. It will get better I know...
            Oh man! You need to change that. He would love it if he became tech-savvy because it's one thing that his condition cannot take away from him.


              How are your kids handling all of this? You haven't mentioned them in a while. I hope you have some help taking care of them, as you have a lot on your plate right now. Mine are older (14, 17, 20, 22) and were/are a lot more self sufficient. Just thinking of you. Hope the early days are getting better.
              T7-8 since Feb 2005


                On another direction, the bickering.

                I am coming from the other side, as I am the SCI half of the relationship. WHile I realize that the caregiver's life has changed just as drastically, if in a different way, it was hard in the early days between the blur of pain and depression to see that as an issue. It was kind of a "well big deal, at least you can walk" attitude. I'm not quite sure when it changes (rather quickly) but 14 months out it is LONG gone, and I am able to see that we both have a lot to deal with here, and it can't be looked at as a "mine is worse than yours" issue. Just try and put up with it for a little bit, and understand that he really loves you even if you are the one he takes everything out on.

                Encourage his independence, it sounds like I was a lot more independent when I came home than he is, but I think i spent a lot more time in the hospital, it seems he is home very soon after the accident. The dependent thing is very hard to deal with, and probably is making things harder for him.

                Keep the communication open too, if either of you bottles things up what ends up happening (at least from my experience) is a big blow up over something trivial, and one half of the relationship has a "what did I do to cause this?" feeling, and nothing is resolved.

                Hang in there.
                Last edited by sjean423; 21 May 2006, 10:39 PM.
                T7-8 since Feb 2005


                  Thanks everyone for the support. The weekend has gotten better. Last night he didn't cuss or moan at all. It helped that we stayed up with friends until 3am, so he was very tired. Today is the first day we are alone and things are going well. I get a little irritated when he wants to lay down. I told him he has to get passed this stage, depression, and on the the next, acceptance and recovery. One thing I have to remember and remind him of too is that he isn't even 2 months post injury. Ok, so he is about 55 days post and he spent 10 of them in a coma. I know he is still weak and needs rest, but in rehab he had to be up and I don't want him to take 10 steps back ya know.

                  Another shitty thing is that he had an "accident" on the way home from the hospital (welcome home) and then last night I pulled the bucket away too soon and another accident. I think I have to slow down myself. My house is such a mess. I have bags of hospital stuff and papers and clothes all over and you know what??.. I don't feel like cleaning any of it. I just want to relax!!!! Oh ya, and our bathroom is almost done, so it will be nice for him to take a shower. Now I just have to get that shower chair!! Maybe I can rent one from Apria? For now it is sponge baths since he can't fit in our other bathroom.

                  What did you all do when you got home? I feel like all he can do really is watch tv or visit with people. What the heck else is there to do right now??? And no, he doesn't know how to use the computer!


                    I'm glad that things got better over the weekend. YEAH!! I do wanna touch on something that ya said tho....They had him going and going and going at rehab, so shortly after his injury. His body is exhausted, I know you think that it would be taking steps backward to let him lay down so much, but he probably REALLY needs it. I know what I really needed when I got home was time to rest my body w/out having all that pressure to go go go...So when he says he needs to lay down, he very well may need to lay down....His body is still adjusting and even still in shock....
                    L-1 inc 11/24/03

                    "My Give-a-Damn's Busted"......


                      hey chopperchick, my fiance was shot about a year before we got together and at first he swade me with his sweetness, until we moved in together. In the beginning (due to his weight 285lbs.) I cathed, change diapers, even made full course meals in the middle of the night because i felt like that was my duty, until he started taking advantage being nasty for no damn reason or blaming the world, acting as if i owed him something. i got tired of his sh** and told him to suck it up because there are people who are worse off! He has a family that loves and adores him and he's ruining it! So I packed up my things because he was under the impression I would never leave him,and I was gone. So, make a long story short, he sucked it up and came and got me and our son. Since then he's been great, still has bad days but is trying to deal with it a day at a time. This wasn't an over night thing, this took about 3 1/2 years. every now and again he starts to act up but he now knows i will treat him like a king if and only if he deserves it, not because of his injury but because I love him!!!!!!!


                        tell him he has to begin hs physical therapy at home. (stretching,massaging) try to keep him as active as possible. He's gonna be hesitant but you can convince him!!! I know how tired you are, but don't forget about you. If you are not 100% how are you gonna be good for anyone else! when he rest, you rest! As far as the house if it's messy leave it be untill you are fully energized. it's messy not dirty, there is a diffrence. one thing I have realized is that sometimes all they need is to be held, and reminded that you are still here!!!!!


                          You said that he doesn't start outpatient therapy for a while. I had at-home therapy for the 2 weeks in between the hospital and when my outpatient started. It was through a visiting nurse organization. The hospital set it up for me before discharge.

                          As far a him wanting to lie down when he is tired, why not? I found it was so nice when I was home to be in control of my own schedule for a change. If I was hungry I could eat, if I wanted to go outside I could etc. Not having someone tell me what to do and when was great. A half hour nap mid day might make all the difference .... especially if he is up until 3 am! (I am a night owl too ....) Now if he just wants to spend all the day in bed that is a different story, and you are right to push to keep him up.
                          Last edited by sjean423; 22 May 2006, 4:52 PM.
                          T7-8 since Feb 2005


                            Since I lived over 60 miles from the rehab center the PTs and OTs wouldn't drive that far to assess and suggest accessibility modifications that needed to be done to the house I'd be living in.

                            When I first got home from the rehab I had to take a hammer and screw driver to remove the molding around the bedroom door in order to get my chair through it. And had to get onto the floor and scoot in order to get into the bath tub/shower. I was quite healthy and strong when I left the rehab.... and only weighed 145lbs at 6' 1". Ah, the good old days when I could do floor to chair transfers!

                            It was an older house and made of stone.... even the insides of it so not very easy to make alterations to. In about 6 months we moved into a somewhat wheelchair accessible apartment and that made things a lot easier.
                            "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria


                              Give him a few days and then park him in front of the computer and tell him it is time to learn how to use it. Then put something in the back of the chair so he can't move and just go off out of hearing range for a while and leave him.

                              Talking to other people about their adventures and misadventures really helps a lot. It is hard to believe the way I can laugh about the stupid things I got stuck on 26 years ago. Sooner or later he needs to accumulate his own collection of stories to share.

                              We have all had messy accidents, we have all had wet accidents.




                                After reading some of your other posts, I realize I was wrong when I told you to just let him lay down when he wants too. I didn't realize how little time he was spending in the chair. You are right to keep him up more, he needs to build up stamina.
                                T7-8 since Feb 2005