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  • #16
    Thank you everyone for the responses, they have given me a lot of good insight. I have rented usa hotel out on the lake for the weekend. I think we both need a weekend without roommates and friends. I am really hoping that she will open up and talk to me. I dont want her to keep her fears to herself, I just want to be able to help her feel like she is not alone. I am going to do my best to wooo her and let her know she is loved. We really havent had a night alone since she the accident, our roommates have been here every night since Sam has been home. I think that if its just us she will open up a little more. I am really hoping this will gove her some confidence to share her thoughts and maybe reconnect with me. She has gotten me through so much since we have been together, i just dont want to let her down.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Sam.I.Am View Post
      Thank you everyone for the responses, they have given me a lot of good insight. I have rented usa hotel out on the lake for the weekend. I think we both need a weekend without roommates and friends. I am really hoping that she will open up and talk to me. I dont want her to keep her fears to herself, I just want to be able to help her feel like she is not alone. I am going to do my best to wooo her and let her know she is loved. We really havent had a night alone since she the accident, our roommates have been here every night since Sam has been home. I think that if its just us she will open up a little more. I am really hoping this will gove her some confidence to share her thoughts and maybe reconnect with me. She has gotten me through so much since we have been together, i just dont want to let her down.
      Good that you are going to have some time with just the two of you, and the change of scenery can be very helpful. At the risk of offering unwelcome advice, I'll venture this:

      Don't go on your get-away with expectations that it will clear the air and flip the script. Just enjoy your time together. If your wife wants to talk, so be it. If she just wants to be silent and stare at the lake, sit quietly together and know that she's not ready to have "that" talk. Sometimes rest is the best medicine. Don't worry about a missed exercise or a delay in forming an agreement about how you will go forward.

      Wishing you an enjoyable weekend with good weather.
      Foolish

      "We have met the enemy and he is us."-POGO.

      "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it."~Edgar Allan Poe

      "Dream big, you might never wake up!"- Snoop Dogg

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      • #18
        Originally posted by smashms
        i would make the PT appointments yourself then tell her you have a surprise for her and just take her to therapy.
        Sorry smashms, I think this is a terrible idea. If the relationship wasn't being strained like it is then perhaps that would work, but at the moment I think it would ruin the trust Sam has in Ayden.

        I agree with Foolish old that you shouldn't expect her to open up, she will when she's ready and like he says time is sometimes the best healer. Wishing you all the best!

        Si
        T11 Asia A after near-fatal bike crash.. Just happy to still be here

        No, I didn't loose my mind... It got scared and ran away!!

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Foolish Old View Post
          Don't go on your get-away with expectations that it will clear the air and flip the script. Just enjoy your time together. If your wife wants to talk, so be it. If she just wants to be silent and stare at the lake, sit quietly together and know that she's not ready to have "that" talk.
          Getaway is a great idea.

          As said above, I agree... just let yourself get into a quiet cuddling moment and see how she is... let her know u love her & that you're looking fwd to your futures together... if she wants to open up and talk you'll see it in her eyes and her reaction with a subtle mention of the future... or say something like "you know you can talk to me about anything right? I'm here for you... I'm not going anywhere... I love you." It won't take much to get her to talk a little if she's ready... but if she doesn't look like she wants to open up at that moment just enjoy the time as a couple as u normally would. Sometimes a break from reality is the healthiest thing u can give a person.

          GL w/ the weekend

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          • #20
            No worries, for all I know she just need to get stuck in with the physio again, but I think having a break would be more helpful.

            Originally posted by hlh View Post
            Honestly, I feel like most folks with SCI should be started on an anti-depressant medication while they are in rehab. It made me so sad to see people even in acute rehab fall in deep depression, and basically stop doing rehab..... It is a great loss, and they can't ever really get those crucial months back.

            We are starting to learn that depression is a common symptom in most patients after stroke, heart attack, and spinal cord injury. I never understood why this isn't addressed from the beginning.

            Therapy can be helpful, a support group can be good, but honestly finding one near you or a therapist you click with and who truly understands is rare. Working, going to school, getting out, living life.... all help, and all are hard during this early time.

            So why not get a little extra help?
            As soon as my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I made she she started an anti-depressant and it helped immensely. I waited too long to get my Dad treated after his SCI. He also did very well after starting a medication.

            Why wait?

            In fact, we have some pretty good neuropathic pain meds that treat pain AND depression - Cymbalta, Effexor, to name two. This may be a good way to introduce a treatment to her if you worry she will be resistant to a medication.

            I would consider calling her primary care doctor or her physiatrist - whomever you feel knows her better/is following most closely - and tell them what you told us. Ask whether this might be a good time for an appointment, and for the DOCTOR to address this problem, and discuss options.

            Good luck to you both.
            You are right about quite a lot of early sci patients getting depressed, but I think putting someone on anti-depressants automatically isnt right. Over here all of us had a psychiatric evaluation, which is a bit of a ball ache, but works effectively to see who need counciling/antidepressants. I had a few low moments as everyone does, but generally felt pretty well ballanced. I hate the idea of antidepressants messing with my moods.
            T11 Asia A after near-fatal bike crash.. Just happy to still be here

            No, I didn't loose my mind... It got scared and ran away!!

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            • #21
              Have you had a heart to heart discussion re her feelings about all the roomates? I remember that in Rehab there were people around all the time, when I returned home I loved the relative solitude for quite awhile. The crowded living situation may be an underlying factor. Has she had bloodwork done lately. Something like low iron levels can cause complete lack of energy and a bleak outlook.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by SuprSi View Post
                No worries, for all I know she just need to get stuck in with the physio again, but I think having a break would be more helpful.



                You are right about quite a lot of early sci patients getting depressed, but I think putting someone on anti-depressants automatically isnt right. Over here all of us had a psychiatric evaluation, which is a bit of a ball ache, but works effectively to see who need counciling/antidepressants. I had a few low moments as everyone does, but generally felt pretty well ballanced. I hate the idea of antidepressants messing with my moods.

                This really isn't very helpful to the OP, who needs to know about options available. You're lucky you never had depression, but your reason for discouraging treatment is very poor. Why discourage something that you have claim to have no experience with?

                At my father's rehab facility, people were not evaluated and treated for depression effectively. And after he was discharged, his physiatrist NEVER ONCE asked about mood/depression associated symptoms, despite us asking for help multiple times. Finally we had to go to my father's primary care doctor for help.

                Personally, I hate the idea of things like.... getting a new spinal cord injury... messing with my mood. But what do I know.

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                • #23
                  We talked about the roommates when she was still in rehab and we agreed there really wasnt anything we could do about it. We have the master bedroom and bathroom so we arent to crowded and we only share the main floor with one other person.

                  Everything is set for this weekend, she even agreed to go. I told her I just wanted some alone time to relax. No one except my mom will know where we are so no unexpected visitors will show up. While I'm really hoping for a good talk, I will still be very happy for just us time. Im thinking of even taking a personal day and making it a three day weekend. Its suppose to be a good stormy weekend, perfect for hiding inside Now it just needs to be five so I can leave work!

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                  • #24
                    If this doesn't work I am going to talk to her about looking at antideprssents. I already have a appointment with her and her doctor next week, I am just hoping she keeps it this time. We need to have a referal from him for a psychiatrist so our insurance will cover it. I am fine with her takinf time to adjust, I just want to make sure thateverything is beinf done so she doesnt sink down lower.

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                    • #25
                      Fingers crossed Ayden, this sounds like a pretty solid plan.

                      Originally posted by hlh View Post
                      This really isn't very helpful to the OP, who needs to know about options available. You're lucky you never had depression, but your reason for discouraging treatment is very poor. Why discourage something that you have claim to have no experience with?

                      At my father's rehab facility, people were not evaluated and treated for depression effectively. And after he was discharged, his physiatrist NEVER ONCE asked about mood/depression associated symptoms, despite us asking for help multiple times. Finally we had to go to my father's primary care doctor for help.

                      Personally, I hate the idea of things like.... getting a new spinal cord injury... messing with my mood. But what do I know.
                      ..And your post attacking me IS helpful to the OP?!

                      hlh, I think you misread.. I didn't say anything about discouraging treatment, I think antidepressants would be a very good thing for Sam IF she agrees to take them. You can't take away what little control she has. All I was saying to you is not everyone needs them and it would be wrong to put everyone on them as you suggested. I'm sorry your father's had a bad experience but that's no reason to attack me for not having that experience.

                      And your last point is just childish.
                      T11 Asia A after near-fatal bike crash.. Just happy to still be here

                      No, I didn't loose my mind... It got scared and ran away!!

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Enjoy your weekend away! I think it's a great idea. You seem to be realistic enough to know that it might not cure all, but could be a foot in the door to what she's feeling. Just some time alone might do wonders for her. Let us know how she's doing and let her know that some of us remember her from when she first posted and would love to have her back again as a community member.

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                        • #27
                          It went decent Better than I really expected. The first night she was quiet but we watched some of her favorite movies and eventually she snuggled up with me. We spent the entire second day just being lazy and doing pretty much nothing. She opened up a little about being afraid that she isn't good enough for me, and she feels like she is holding me back. I hopefully calmed her fears. I found a quarter ring machine at one of the local grocery stores and "re-proposed" to her, just to prove I would marry her all over again. She laughed, and it was wonderful to hear. I wouldn't care if she sat around and laughed at me all day. We celebrated with a bottle of wine

                          So over all it was relaxing, we still haven't hit the hard stuff like therapy and going back to PT, but I'm hoping this will show her she can open up to me anytime. She also agreed to come with me to my family reunion at the end of August, so I feel like that is a big step. Hoping this leads to more improvements. I just don't want to rush her still.

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                          • #28
                            Sounds like what a lot of us went thru back in the day when first injured.

                            My wife and I went to see a Psychiatrist rather than a Psychologist. After some blood tests etc.; she explained that Seratonin regulation levels are affected after a SCI. Seratonin helps regulate our moods and emotions. She prescribed Wellbutrin for me along with counseling with a Psychologist which helped immensly.

                            I'm sure she is depressed and scared for the future but I would suggest having her checked out for the seratonin also.

                            Been injured 39 years, it does get better and better now that I am aware that I may have a low period once a month and counselling to know it will pass.

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                            • #29
                              Thanks, Im hoping she will go back to school in the spring. I would like her to start in september, even if it was just one class, just so she isnt sitting home doing nothing all day. I thonk she is scared to go back and see everyone. She goes to a small university where you know most people in your program. She has been talking about moving back to Vermont and seeing if she can finish online through the University of Vermont. I agree about moving, the town we live in now will be very hard to handle once winter comes. It is all steep hills and massive amounts of snow.

                              I dont want her to run away and regret not graduating with her class. Bur I dont want to keep her trapped in a town that confines her to the house either. We always talked about moving, i just didnt think it would happen so fast lol.

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                              • #30
                                She grew up there so she knows how the snow is. We just think that the city would be a little more wheelchair friendly. Here nothing is really built with disability in mind and it seems that everything is on a hill or has steps leading into it. All of the main buildings on campus are wheelchair friendly but the paths in winter and ramps neber get cleared till late afternoon. I think she is also missing her family a lot.

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