Wondering if any of you have felt this way?

[bailey5774]

Hello all it's been a long time since I've been on here. It has now been 6 years since my t4 paralysis. I'm now 29 still in school and wondering if I'll ever find that special someone. All my friends young and old are married and have at least one child. I know I shouldn't compare my situation with them since they are all able bodied but it's hard not to. I have been doing a lot of thinking if there is anyone out there for me and if they will be ab or have a disability. Starting to doubt any guy would ever want to be with a broken woman. In the beginning I didn't care but now I really do. I sometimes think it's easier to be the guy with sci because woman tend to be the loving/caretaker so it works out. But not so much the other way around. How have some of you dealt with these feelings or am I the only one who feels this way?

Thanks for listening.

[lynnifer]

Unfortunately there aren't a lot of disabled women here to answer your question anymore.

I can only say that it usually happens when you're not looking ... and if you view yourself as broken, then you are! Work on you .. work on being the best you that you can be! After all, if you can't be happy with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to be? Your chair tends to weed a lot out to extremes ... either they're total jerks, or pretty decent human beings. I find a lot people complaining never give themselves opportunity to meet someone .. like Dr Phil says, 'They're aren't going to come and strike your windshield!' lol

[~Lin]

I'll say more later, but so I don't lose the thread and forget.... Oh hell yes. I constantly wonder if I'll find the right person to be with for the rest of my life who won't be scared off by being sick, being in a wheelchair, using a service dog.... Especially hard to meet people that way, and the idea of online dating and having to explain all of that is super awkward to me. I have a hard time trying to find roommates online and explain it all. In fact I've contacted many people about housing situations only to have them suddenly disappear, not even a "I don't think it will work out" but just stop replying when they find out I'm disabled or in a wheelchair, including in the middle of texting back and forth.

I'm also 29.

[sabmother]

I was 15 when I became a c5/6 quad (27 years ago). I remember feeling EXACTLY like you do. About it being easier to be a guy sci because women are better caretakers blah blah blah. I dated some in college where one guy had his doctor father and nurse mother completely fill him in on every last thing wrong with dating a crip. Another guy was just too wrong and because of the sci his life dreams weren't the best given my situation. Which ended up being a good thing because my self esteem was such that I thought I had to be with any guy who wanted me. I hadn't stopped to figure out what I wanted/needed/deserved in a partner. After college I got a job and pretty much convinced myself that I didn't need men and I would just own a lot of dogs to make me happy. Guess how well that life plan worked out? Over the weekend I celebrated my 11th anniversary to a wonderful guy who does bowel routines and helps me dress and helps me live my life. Does he love doing it? of course not but he knows that to be with me it is what needs to be done.

My advice to you is to be the best you there is. If you live life that being in a chair sucks then you wont be attracting people to you. My personality is such that I have been told that people forget I am in a chair. to me that is a huge compliment because it means they see me for me and not just my chair. Join activities you like to do and you will start meeting people with shared interests. Even if it starts off as friends you never know where the journey may take you.

Good luck to you!!

[BiancaS]

First of all, you are not broken and you are not alone. There isn't a person in this world who doesn't have his/her share of suffering and burdens-just some are visible, some are not. You have an sci, but you are still a beautiful human being-inside and out!

Maybe things usually happen when you're not looking because that's when you are busy living your life; when you are your truest self and that is what people see and are attracted to. You say all your friends, young and old, are married and have at least one child which probably means they are also living a totally different life(style) than you. And able bodied is not synonymous with being in a relationship either-all these online dating sites wouldn't exist if there weren't so many single people looking for their “special someone.” You might also be more aware of relationships because you are not in one and don't forget how the grass is usually always greener on the other side of the fence!
So, however you go about it, make some single friends, too...get involved in what interests you, do something you have always wanted to do, maybe something you never even thought of doing. Just get out and spend time doing things you enjoy and you are bound to meet new people and make all kinds of discoveries!
It's been four and a half years since my t9 paralysis. At 46, I had been hurt less than a month when my significant other couldn't deal with me/my injury, called me a bitch and told me to go find my own place to live. Worst of all, he told me I would never be attractive to another man ever again. I was stunned and pretty much devastated.
Before my sci I had a very physical job. I was fit and active and spent my leisure time reading, vegetable gardening, traveling, trail hiking and kayaking. I wanted to be that way again, despite my wheelchair, so I found volunteer opportunities at the library and for a horticulture therapy program on an organic farm and best of all, I got involved in the local disabled sports program. I had never played any sport as an ab, but of what was offered I picked wheelchair tennis. How hard could it be to hit a ball over a net? I wondered and decided to give it a try. Turns out, it looked and sounded a lot easier than it really was, but there I was, breaking a sweat, having a good time and learning a new skill. At practice I met other folks in wheelchairs and at the tournaments I got to know people from around the world-all with wisdom and experience to share.
I wasn't looking for anyone either, especially after what my ex told me and I'd come to enjoy the freedom and independence of being single again. I went to visit a friend I'd made playing tennis whose house was not entirely accessible-there was this step going from the kitchen into her garage...I couldn't do a wheelie to get up or down, I kept falling out of my chair and onto the concrete floor. After about the fourth time, she insisted I meet a friend of hers who was also in a chair. “Someone has to teach you how to live in your wheelchair!” she proclaimed. So I went and fell out on his garage floor a dozen or so times, with him there to catch me of course, until I finally got it right. I wasn't expecting to fall in love, too. I wasn't even thinking about it and here this guy turned out to be the one! That was almost two years ago. Not only have my wheelies improved, but I believe my life is better overall and I like to think I've been good for him, as well. We have lots of fun together and share the ups and downs of living with sci. For us, it works. Able bodied or in a chair, I believe your better half is out there, too.
You're young, still in school and it's exciting to think of all the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead for you. Follow your dreams and don't give up...ever!

[elizabeth422]

I find myself wondering more and more if i will ever find that special someone. I am like you all of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship and pretty much all have kids.

[Sarafino]

I am

[SCI-Nurse]

Sarafino, what is your degenerative disease? If it is MS, have you reached out to the local MS Society? Their support groups can be very helpful, and some have set up virtual groups that get together via Skype or other media if they cannot meet in a central location.

(KLD)

[~Lin]

Reaching out online helps. I have lots of disabled friends online, but not in person. A lot of that though is inability to get out and about and do activities where others go to meet people. In fact this is really lonely for lack of ab friends as well! I don't know what I'd do without the internet.

I think a progressive disease is a different kind of hell in how people don't understand. Even those closest to you can have trouble understanding that what you performed just fine last year you can't today, etc.

[Sarafino]

I dont have MS

[Sarafino]

Reaching out online helps. I have lots of disabled friends online, but not in person. A lot of that though is inability to get out and about and do activities where others go to meet people. In fact this is really lonely for lack of ab friends as well! I don't know what I'd do without the internet.

I think a progressive disease is a different kind of hell in how people don't understand. Even those closest to you can have trouble understanding that what you performed just fine last year you can't today, etc.

I am still trying this, too, guess i need to make the leap to Skype. I like forums but this is really the only one I come to regularly, even though I don't have SCI. In real life the few disabled people I have gotten to spend any time with were SCI people, and they were super cool, so I guess in a way i hope to meet more like them. Even they don't get the degenerative aspects of this sort of disorder, though. It is a special kind of hell for certain.

[wheeliecoach]

I have a progressive brain and spinal cord disease, and I felt that way for a long time. I decided to try and be happy with me, so I got involved in sports and other things that made me happy. I then met my husband at one of these events. We have been married for 5 years now. The saying of it will happen when you least expect it happened for me. He has a spinal cord injury (T7) so it was nice to have someone who understood what I was going through. It happened for me, so who is to say it will not happen for you?

[~Lin]

I don't do Skype. I get really anxious with the video, I have a hard time talking on the phone as well. What worked for me was messengers, aim though now I use the Facebook one because of friends on that but not aim. I have a hard time making friends anyway due to aspergers, it just doesn't come naturally. I don't know how to make friends, the ones I have mostly just kind of happened. One time I just flat out said to a person I'd met online and then got together in person that I'd been living in the area for a while and didn't have friends so if she wanted to get together again that would be great. It's really hard meeting people with a disability, and even more so others with disability in person. I always made most of my friends through horses and the barn so I've really been pretty lonely since I had to sell them and then later stopping riding. Not to mention the hell of being away from the horses! People say to join wheelchair sports, but with my disability I don't know of any I can do. I'm in a wheelchair but my upper body is too messed up plus I have to protect what I've got with the progression. So I can't do basketball, tennis, etc. Are their groups for biking? That seems more solitary. And I don't have the money for a bike, but some day I'd like to get one of those recumbent trikes that allows both foot and arm pedaling. I need knee surgery first but then I can try, and with sharing the load I think I might be able to do it.

[rlmtrhmiles]

You are NOT broken. You are a human being. There are so many things working on you, I guarantee, you would not be able to count to the number of how many things ARE working. Think positive. If you cannot do this, you better start to. I can no longer hear on top of not walking and have not driven a car since 2002. I still think I can do a lot about all of this. The only thing I question/doubt is going back to work.