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    i have been having suicidal thoughts for a few months now. This is hard admitting it to anyone. i have been having rapid muscle strength loss in my left side in the last month which is making my depression worse. the anxiety of these thoughts is really wearing on me.

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      Gree seed, I take it you're new to all this?

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        Lots of mixed feelings. Love Alan and Graybeard above just poking at it. We all think it. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry. Sometimes we get a good night's sleep and have a better day. I'm a big believer in the right to choose. Mine is,"I wish a jet would fall on the house." Husband says,"Hey! What about me?!" For what it's worth, my daughter has been doing medical research for the past two years at an MIT/Harvard cooperative lab and she says the five-year horizon really is no longer bullshit. The expanse of computing power is now so extraordinary that things really can move much more quickly. I'm going to try to wait.

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          Rusty, i have been injured c6/7 complete since 07. So not new to sci but these recurring suicidal thoughts are relatively new. i was in bed for 4 months last fall and then when i recovered from that i started having muscle weakness on my left side which has gotten worse rapidly. i had suicidal thoughts when i was first injured and on occasion since but lately is the closest ive been to actually acting on them cuz i cant shake the depression and anxiety...

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            With an SCI I think it's perfectly rational to think about. So much of my happiness before the injury came with thoughts and dreams of the future. Always enjoyed the moment as best as i could, but looking down the road amplified it and brought beautiful thoughts. With being paralyzed those dreams are either destroyed or fractionalized. The future looks like a nightmare now and the day to day shit reinforces that. You get fed up. Bowel, bladder, can't feel your genitals...can't walk. Your mind gets sick of this shit. And it's forever. Til we die. So I think the suicidal thoughts are a mind's defense mechanism. To me it seems normal. It's a way out of this nonsense. I'm sure everyone who's been paralyzed has thought of it one way or another...and some actually do it. This injury is horrendous, I don't blame them ​

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              I agree somewhat Denied. Some people seem to adapt really well and live fulfilled lives. I was doing ok for 7ish years and even last spring i was feeling pretty good. Then i got a new power chair and a pressure sore with it.. then some bladder/kidney issues.. now a weakening left arm. i feel so beaten down lately and it's hard to relate these things to the people around me. My care workers seem to be just going through the motions barely caring and my family (aunt, grandparents) are helping me but im having real trouble being positive. i have very few friends and the ones i do have are going through their own physical/mental health issues. it's very hard to see the light right now...

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                Absolutely. The majority of people adapt and find happiness. Or present that they do. I'm just saying that paralysis is a justifiable reason to feel like shit...or to question whether or not it's worth putting up with. Suicide just takes a lot of balls/nerve. If there was an on/off-switch, I think we would have lost a lot more people. I've read of some who have wished they were dead for 30 years... And others who "do everything able bodied people do". Haha...Guess its about perspective

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                  i agree. a few reasons i havent tried ending myself are the hurting family/friends, fear of the "other side" being worse than this and fear of whatever i try not working and having to deal with the fallout of a suicide attempt. i try to see a positive perspective. i do have a relatively good life compared to a lot of people. these latest health issues have really broken my spirit though.

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                    Well, 4 months in bed will certainly change ones perspective, I've never had to deal with that. I approach it by just living from day to day, never thinking long term. I figure that I've made it this far then I might as well keep going.

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                      I think the one thing everyone needs to understand is that this whatever level is probably the worst thing that has happened to us and our family. I know I am grateful each day to only be a para. But still it sucks and makes life difficult.

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                        I agree with all of the above. I find relief in the fact that there are so many others who are worse off than me. Suicide is a selfish act in that there are people out there who really care for you. Family, friends, associates. Why cut them off from you? We don't often realize this though. Get through those bad days. Everyone gets them, able bodied people as well. Life is and always has been a challenge. Put your big boy or girl pants on and bring it on.
                        I refuse to tip toe through life, only to arrive safely at death.

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                          I think most people who have really considered taking their life do realize this (those who care for us being devastated). With SCI or any permant disability, its not a last moment, split second decision. It's thought of deeply and daily. With everyone close to them thought of. It's not fun or pleasant...that I'm sure of.

                          For me, there hasn't been a day gone by since my injury where I don't consider a way out. Life went from great to this in a split second. No second chance. No cure. Options are to deal with it and rebuild a new life, or end it. It is paralysis for the rest of my days. Eveytime I urinate on myself or do a bowel program I want out of this shit. And that's only the tip of the iceberg...just daily duties. Sexual sensation, gone. Spontaneity is also lost. My career as a self made contractor, gone. A life I worked my ass off for and deeply enjoyed is gone.

                          It's great that some people find happiness and meaning through it. It's awesome. Life is an amazing, beautiful ride...with great scenery. Great people and music. It's fucking wonderful...and meant to be enjoyed. But sometimes there are critical blows that take the joy out of it and leave you spectating from the outside. Your heart breaks daily because you know how beautiful it is, but you can't embrace it. Sometimes adaptation isn't enough, and the pain outweighs the pleasure. I'm new to this shit, but want to say that I understand those who are lost. It's a tough ride.

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                            Side note: Denied2016 can have second act as a writer

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                              Originally posted by Denied2016 View Post
                              I think most people who have really considered taking their life do realize this (those who care for us being devastated). With SCI or any permant disability, its not a last moment, split second decision. It's thought of deeply and daily. With everyone close to them thought of. It's not fun or pleasant...that I'm sure of.

                              For me, there hasn't been a day gone by since my injury where I don't consider a way out. Life went from great to this in a split second. No second chance. No cure. Options are to deal with it and rebuild a new life, or end it. It is paralysis for the rest of my days. Eveytime I urinate on myself or do a bowel program I want out of this shit. And that's only the tip of the iceberg...just daily duties. Sexual sensation, gone. Spontaneity is also lost. My career as a self made contractor, gone. A life I worked my ass off for and deeply enjoyed is gone.

                              It's great that some people find happiness and meaning through it. It's awesome. Life is an amazing, beautiful ride...with great scenery. Great people and music. It's fucking wonderful...and meant to be enjoyed. But sometimes there are critical blows that take the joy out of it and leave you spectating from the outside. Your heart breaks daily because you know how beautiful it is, but you can't embrace it. Sometimes adaptation isn't enough, and the pain outweighs the pleasure. I'm new to this shit, but want to say that I understand those who are lost. It's a tough ride.
                              I think you've got a reasonable perspective here. I agree with you that some people just seem magically okay with SCI or at least deal with it really well. It sucks for a long time for some of us. For some of us it sucks forever.

                              But if you are thinking about suicide on a daily basis and wishing for death you owe it to yourself and your family to at least see a therapist and a psychiatrist if you haven't already. Mental health has a stigma for some people, but antidepressants work and (depending on your injury) lots of the most troublesome side effects don't bother us (sexual dysfunction, ha, already got that one!). Therapy works even better than drugs, but with both you gotta stick with them.

                              I'm not saying Prozac or a one hour chat with a psychologist is going to magically change your life, but if you learn some coping mechanisms (something everybody including myself can always learn more about) and give the drugs a reasonable shot you might find yourself with a tolerable existence one day, maybe even a meaningful one.

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                                I'm 44 years post injury. Those thoughts come quite often still. They never go away; just come less often. As Funk says, with therapy so many years ago and knowing my serotonin level is affected by sci, I know it's a cycle and just have to wait it out to get better. If it gets too bad, I take an extra Welbutrin to boost the level a bit more.

                                As I said, it never goes away and I've never gotten used to being in a chair. But I've maximized my potential and kept a good attitude. We can't always control what happens but can control how we handle it. I've lived a full, exciting wonderful life and as my independence winds down, those thoughts come more frequently. Not so much because of the state I'm in but more because of the extra work it puts on my wife and others.

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