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    Connecting back with Friends?

    I have been back home now for 3 weeks since i got discharged from therapy and it has been 7 months post now since the injury. Since ive been home, my best friends and most friends havent really been coming by or calling to see whats up. I really dont care bout having to see everyone all the time but im really upset about my best friends. Its like they have been avoiding me now. I dont want to be around alcohol anymore since it contributed to my injury and it seems that they wont give it up at least one night a week to hang out. I have done alot of growing up since SCI and want to do normal fun things now not partying and pickin up chicks all the time. It seems to me that i have become good friends now with girls that i never hung out with before, but what do i do bout my guy friends that we once called each other best friends. thanks

    Josh Stevens
    T6 para as of 7/17/03

    "Nobody's perfect...til you fall in love with Them!"

    Josh S.
    T6 complete as of 7/17/03

    #2
    This is a cliche but it's true.

    Your real friends will stick by you, so dont stress. But for now give them some space - they are probably very unsure how to treat you or might be worried they will offend you.

    Anyway, point is the genuine friends will be there even if it takes them a while to get used to the new you. Be prepared though, because when you dont share similar interests, it's human nature to drift apart.

    What amazed me most was the people I least expected were the ones who were really there for me.
    Good luck.
    _____oOo_____
    Phil C6
    "If you can't explain it to me in less than 10 seconds, it's probably not worth knowing anyway..." - Calvin

    Comment


      #3
      Something I noticed after my injury, and something you're noticing now...is that I suddenly had far fewer common interests with my friends than I did before, because of all the growing up I had to do. Maybe it's time to have a good heart-to-heart with them, discuss why you were ever friends in the first place, and what's preventing them from being friends with you now.

      Stupidity is not a handicap. Please park elsewhere. [img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]
      "Legs are overrated. You can still get laid." - Kevin Girardi, "Joan of Arcadia"

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        #4
        To steal another member's tag line... "Welcome to the party, pal!"

        You're not alone - At least amongst the guys. I think most of our friends take off. Even the very best of buds.

        Guys will think/say, "Poor bastard. He's all crippled up now. I wouldn't want to live like that. I'd rather be dead." Women are different. They think/say, "He's still the same great guy. Just in a wheelchair. So what."

        I don't pretend to understand the female brain but God bless them. They are just better people.

        I hope your friends come back around.

        Comment


          #5
          agreed w/ the others.

          plus, $20 says they don't really know how to approach you now. It takes a little time to break down the walls of associating with someone w/ a new injury... I've been there. Some people just don't know what to say.

          Be the instigator; give some of your good buds a call & go hang out. Don't mention your injury at all unless it comes up in conversation, but don't dwell on it. Just be yourself. If they could care less, you need some new "best friends."

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            #6
            I noticed that also 22 years ago,, I think it is hard for them to deal with it, you will make new friends, better friends

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              #7
              Yep. That's what happens. My best friends compared me to my pre injury self and kept thinking about all the things I couldn't do. Best thing I did was to move away and make new friends. Friends you make after your injury will be better friends than your pre injury friends. Just my opinion.
              "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and other people may not be able to tell the difference."

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                #8
                I agree with Duke on the post-injury friends. It's easier, because they don't remember who you were before...they BECAME friends with the person you ARE now. Anybody who won't be your friend anymore simply because of SCI, wasn't a very good friend anyway.

                Stupidity is not a handicap. Please park elsewhere. [img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]
                "Legs are overrated. You can still get laid." - Kevin Girardi, "Joan of Arcadia"

                Comment


                  #9
                  from a woman's perspective, it doesn't just happen to guys. i don't talk to any of my pre sci friends anymore...there's some family members to. i guess they don't know what to say and just feel sorry for me, which i really don't need. i use to go out and party all the time, but being in a chair has changed things. my philosophy is screw 'em. one day they'll get a real taste of life and their so called friends won't be there either. maybe i sound bitter about this, but it's still disappointing when you think family and friends that you can depend on decide they'd rather not deal with you and your disability.

                  Even if your body cannot move, you can still think and meditate ~Dalai Lama~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Josh
                    I know exactly what you mean. really you would like to see them but deep down you know that you thought they were your best freind's and they don't come around. then you know they really were not, or maybe it hurt's them to see you in that condition, but either way if they were as good as we thought they would come no matter what!!! I have freind's and even family who do not come around anymore, yes it does hurt and we seem to all have to deal with it. So all I can say is you do have freind's here! I have made some very good ones!! and they will help you in any way they can, all I can say is heaven forbid anything ever happen's to the ones you did think were and they find theirselves in a position anything like your's I have alway's thought if we go through life and have what we call really one best freind we are lucky!
                    Any way welcome Back Freind!!!
                    Duge

                    T-12 incomplete 10-3-02

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Josh itsa number of things. None of them your fault, andsome of them not necessarily theirs. First, you are a fallen comrade and they don't know how to react. They're scared to death of saying the wrong thing ordoing the wrong thing. As time goes by they will see that you haven't changed that much. But you will need to initiate.

                      Second, they are young. Your injury signifies their vulnerability. If it can happen to you . . . it can happen to them. And that reality may be too much for them right now. You see thisa lot on pro teamswhen someone gets hurt. They become almost astrocized from the team. As guys, we're just mental midgets when it comes to this stuff.

                      Third, you said it. You've changed. Your maturity leaped passed them by about ten years. They want to go out, drink, chase and forget. They can't do that with you any longer. Because you're not in that place.

                      Josh . . . you need to reach out to them and be patient. And in the end . . . as the saying goes . . . it is times of adversity that you find out who your real friends are.

                      Funny thing . . . the buddies who I hung out with in high school . . . pretty much have grown apart anddon't even talk. But most of them will stay in contact with me from time to time.

                      My best friends today are those from college and church. Probably bcause of our common bonds. And I find that men - AB or not - pretty much haven't maintained their high school friendships.
                      Most friendships are from college or business affiliations.

                      Ask your dad and his friends how many high school buddies they still hang out with today.

                      What we do in life echoes in eternity. Maximus - Gladiator
                      What we do in life echoes in eternity. Maximus - Gladiator

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Josh, Your situation is almost identical to my sons except he doesnt mind going with friends to bars but how the friends behave at the bar is what throws Jesse. Some of them are still at the drinking and driving, so much so that one passed out in his car and sat in his driveway for hours while his parents beat on the window. If you really dont want the bar scene anymore, I would suggest you do the calling. Dont make the mistake of waiting until they call you. Maybe they are thinking the same thing you are. Is it possible that they are thinking that you have changed so much that you dont want them as friends? Jess was a little into the wait and see game and then finally he started calling. Some friends came back, some didnt. It is the ones that didnt that are the ones that couldnt give the booze up. Good luck with this, because I know it is one thing that Jess worried about from day one. But you are right. He has made more friends and good friends since his accident.
                        "Oh Lord, bless me indeed, enlarge my territory, that your hand would be with me, keep me from evil, so that I will not cause pain."

                        Comment


                          #13
                          It's all great advise, thanks everyone. ya, girls seem to not care about what is wrong with you, they see the person inside and i thank all the women that do. i kinda feel more like a ladies man, cause when i go outa the house, im always with one or another. lol ive had talks with my two best friends, and they have been friends since outa highschool, im 25 and they are my age, so i just thought that they would be mature about this whole thing also, but i guess not. theres been a couple times ive asked them to do somethin and they blow me off, and come to find out, they go out or to each others house to drink and play xbox which i have also, but they cant drink at my house, so they dont come over. i really dont have anything in commen with them anymore and like my new friends im making but they two keep callin me with day to day stuff they are doin but thats all, they live 5 minutes from me, and cant even come by to say wassup! still lost i guess!!!!

                          Josh Stevens
                          T6 para as of 7/17/03

                          "Nobody's perfect...til you fall in love with Them!"

                          Josh S.
                          T6 complete as of 7/17/03

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hey man! The one thing i found and your gonna find is that it doesnt matter how many friends you had before or who you called best friends.Now bro, your truly gonna find out who your best friends are and you just might surprised at who they are..PARTY HARD...

                            ''Shoot the protester ya cant stop the protest.Murder the rebel ya cant stop the rebellion''..

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Josh you'll find out who your real friends are. I know how it is when friends just can't give up the party scene.

                              A lot of my "friends" I never heard from again after the wreck unless I called them. I contributed that to the fact I was airlifted three hours away, knowing though that those same "friends" drove further than that constantly for things as simple as playing basketball.

                              A lot of people can't grasp the realities of the consequences of drinking and driving. You could sit them down with you and have them go through a day in your life, showing them just a taste of life with a sci...transfers, cathing, bowel programs, etc but when the day is over it is forgotten.

                              My boyfriend was drinking and driving when we wrecked. While I was still in the hospital he was going to the bars for a drink with one of my CNA's just to get a break from the hospital scene. He would take trips home three hours away for a few days that would turn into a week, all to party with friends while I lie on my back in rehab. Just recently I was told he put a friends car in the ditch...I didn't even have to ask why. Drinking. I'm not sure the wreck that put me in a wheelchair even fazed him.

                              Sorry to go on but somethings are just better to just get out. People are strange Josh [img]/forum/images/smilies/eek.gif[/img]

                              Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--unknown
                              Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know that, so it goes on flying anyways--Mary Kay Ash

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