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    Josh, disability or not people simply move on.

    As we go through life with education/career/job changes, relationships, geographical moves, families, circumstances etc. people come and go. And they will, probably for a while until you decide where, when and with whom you'll put down roots.

    This is all positive. Trust me, throwing the physical challenges aside, you don't want to nor need to be hanging around people who aren't growing with you. We all have them the guys from high school or wherever who are living in the same old routine. Boring, stagnate, going nowhere.

    There's a lot of world out there. You're appreciation for it and engagement in it should not be held back by those living in the past.

    And if they are truly your friends they'll be there come hell or high water. But realistically if we have one or two of those we're very fortunate.

    Good luck.


      Chris Chapppell said it all. It does kind of hurt though...

      C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000
      Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?


        Some of my friends showed their asses as well and never came back around after I got back from rehab. HOWEVER, many of my "good friends" from before the accident have stuck around.
        I think that it is crazy for any of us to sit around and blame our pre-injury friends for not hanging out as much post-injury. Basically what it comes down to is...they were our friends before because we shared the same interests, did the same things, hung out at the same places. Why should we as the member of the group whose life has changed [whether it be through no fault of our own, or directly your fault [in my case (drunk diving...not driving, diving)] expect the group as a whole to change? If those friends are important to you, do the best you can to do some of the same things as you did before...go to the same movies, go to the same restaraunts, church groups, hell...even bars when possible if that's your cup of tea (or jack and coke).
        If we make the effort, our friends are more likely to make the effort back. Friendship is a two way street. If you don't think it is..try making a friend like this the next time you see someone..."Hey, I'm (insert name here), you seem pretty cool...let's be friends. There's a catch though, I need you to change everything about your own life in order to hang out with me. No, screw what you do..let's do it my way." I think we all know that we wouldnt make many friends acting like that.
        The truth of the matter is that there are just some things that we won't be able to do with our friends as much anymore. It's just a fact...but there are still SO MANY THINGS that we can do, regardless of injury level. Look for your common threads again and continue to nurture the friendship just as you did before...That is, if they mean that much to you...which I would assume that they did, otherwise they wouldn't have been friends before.
        So, basically..if we want to, and with a little bit of effort on our parts, often, we can keep the same friends as we had before. If not...screw didn't need them anyways. SCI truly is a life filter. The bad ones go and the good ones stay. However, it's up to us...just as it was take responsibility for our own attitudes and frienships. It's up to us who we want to be now. We should all try to be someone that our "friends", or anyone else for that matter, would want to be around.

        PS...this was not directed toward any individual on this message board or site...just a general thought. Thanks for reading what i have to say.

        "It's the living part of life that matters....and that's all that matters anyways"
        "Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me" ~Sarah McLachlan


          Well said, dude.

          To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - O.W.
          The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven. - J.M.


            I agree with globechaser's quote...most just exist but to live, SCI or not, is the real challenge. I know the challenges between the two are different but just think...we all have to decide what to wear, what to eat, how to excercise, and how to be happy. The last the most important. My recent friend is SCI and I have found great hope in SCI cure and within my own life i have found great optimism in understanding the lives of an SCI patient and being there any way i can. My friend calls his accident a "life filter" and in a way I agree. But those that are truely there for you in every way as a friend dont need a filter. Its hard I know to be there with the accident and to adapt to your loved ones new way of life...but its also just as important to be a friend and help them in any way possible to adapt to their new way of life. I am a college student who used to party and drink like the rest of them....not that I am proud. But since the start of my new friendship I have found priorities that are more important to me. Just because you have changed from the standards of the social norms doesn tmean that your friends should be filtered to decipher the true from the untrue. In my case my loved one is the same as any other one of my friends...except he doesnt have to walk the long walks of campus or Franklin Street[img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]Instead i can catch a ride with him[img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img] Your friends, to me, are one of the most important priorities in life and should be greatly analyzed and processed. They decide you mood for the day a lot of times and even how you look at life. If their influence is negative, as many turn out to be, it henders not only our life but our personality, outlook and motives for living the way we choose. But to have those that are supportive and care for the experiences that have to be taken care of...those are the most important. I wasnt with my friend at the time of his injury but I do know that when isee pictures or here stories i tear up and want nothing but to take way the pain of both him and his friend and family. But since i met him post injury and only know what I know...I accept who he is with everything I have and encourage him to do what makes him happy by any means!! Just know that the ones who care will always be there..the rest arent worth worrying over. Take care of your friends...and they will take care of you. I know i would do anything in the world for my best friend...!!!!!![img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]


              After an injury you really find out who your real friends are. Most of my old girlfriends just seemed to forget about me once they went to college. Sure, there are a few who stuck by me and I'll always be grateful to them for that, but I barely talk to 90% of my friends from high school anymore. Most of the people I'm really friends with now are fellow SCIs I met in rehab. At least with them I'm sure that they can understand what I'm going through(even though the majority of them are low Paras). Sure, Ray never left my side while I was recovering enough to come home, but he's the exception. So screw all those losers is what I say. If they were only interested in being friends with Kim the cheerleader/prom queen, I don't need them.


                Its been about 2 weeks since ive talked with my two of the three best friends i have had, and i really aint missing them very much. I have figured out that the only thing we had in common before was drinking, playing video games while drinking, and picking up girls while out drinking, so i really dont care that much to talk or hang out anymore. I have found new friends that care and see me for me inside, not out. I wish i could hang out with my new friends all the time but that is only cause ive got nothing important to do 75 percent of the time like everyone else. I am understanding that they have other people too to hang out with, like Significant others, so im accepting that also, I just cant wait til i find my sig. other cause i know that she will be my best friend who wants to be with me almost all the time, yet even i need my free time to myself. What has hurt me from the start is that the ones i thought were my true best friends didnt come see me much in the hospital, and havent much since ive been back in town. Ive made all the efforts to call, and go by their works to see them and try to hang out, so im understanding that i need to let go of my past and proceed with my present and future so i can be truely happy with my life from here on out, and develop my true friends along the way. I am a great guy, and fun to be around, i get soo much praise at how i have coped with this injury, and how i make everyone feel good just to be around them, it truely makes me feel great. I feel better helping others feel good than i do myself. I am such a giving person, yet i wish and hope to recieve the same in return, for everyone deserves to recieve that kind of friendship and love. Thank you all for your replies to my post, and keep on with it, cause i know it is helping more than me cope with this part of their lives too.

                Josh Stevens
                T6 para as of 7/17/03

                "Nobody's perfect...til you fall in love with Them!"

                Josh S.
                T6 complete as of 7/17/03


                  I agree with everyone. My son played football and was active with his friends, I barely saw him when he was in high school and lived at home. There has been one friend, that has been there from the beginning, he quit school and his job to go to rehab with David and his ex-wife. He lived with him for a while after rehab. David and his wife divorced and now lives with me and my husband back in his area when he was in school. That friend has since gotten a girl friend (bless his heart). And he doesn't come around that much anymore. David wants what is best for that friend. (a girlfriend). But now he doesn't call and come by anymore at all. And David calls him all the time, wanting to do something with him. Now that David lives at home again, some of his high school friends are coming around (great for David). I was nervous the first time he spent the night over with them. But it worked out fine. Nervous Mom. That's for listening and friends come around, they just don't know what to say. It's hard for them too. That's what David friends tell me.

                  Pam Baureis
                  Pam Baureis


                    I agree with everyone. My son David played football and was very active with his friends. But alot of them don't come around. He had one friend that was great. He quit school and his job to be with David in rehab. He lived with David and his Daughter and ex-wife. He was a great help to David. David and his wife have divoced and now lives at home with me and my husband. Now that he is back home and in the area where he spent alot of time with his friends. Some are coming around. But his closest friend I mentioned has a girlfriend (which he needs). He doesn't call or come by at all. David misses him alot. David calls him and he just blows David off. Some of his other friends come around, and David has spent the night with them, doing some of the things they used to do. I was very nervous about David spenting the night with them. But things went fine. Nervous mom. Alot of David friends and even family members told me, that they just didn't know what to say. Give yourself time and your friends time too.

                    Pam Baureis
                    Pam Baureis


                      I posted twice sorry

                      Pam Baureis
                      Pam Baureis


                        Josh this is the deal--when Ricky(my fiancee) got in his wreck he realized who was his true friends and who wasn't. He used to be best friends with this guy--I mean they did everything together and to this day he doesn't even ask Ricky how he's doing. He don't even come around like he has some disease or something and it's sad but he'll have to pay one day for the way he's acting. And you know there isn't anything wrong with being close and good friends with a girl. Ricky's best friend is a girl also but he also has a close and good guy friend that never left his side through the whole thing. And maybe your friends dont' know how to adjust just yet but you know I wouldn't give them a chance to let you feel the way you do. your not alone that's for sure you have new friends here, family and you'll make new friends. It will be o.k. if they can't understand and if they want to act like that i say you didnt need them in the first place. Hope this helped..... [img]/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img]


                          Josh, I was dealt similar circumstances. For me, I found my true friends.

                          An old friend and I used to go sailing and fishing all the time. The spontaneity of these activities became severely constrained, as well as our friendship, after becoming paralyzed. He is an emotional person and I believe it saddens him to be around me - always comparing the present to the past. I would not say I have lost a friend, but there is no value gained from our friendship.

                          Talk it over with the friends you still see. I did and realized the foundation on which my friendships were built determined the viability and longevity.

                          C5 injury with partial C6 function on left.


                            I'm 23 and still have many of the same friends as I did before my injury 5 years ago, but my situation's a bit different. First off, I can walk with a cane, but with a bad limp on the left side, so maybe people aren't as weirded out as they were when I was in a wheelchair. Also, I don't mind the alcohol and like to go out and get the drink on, macking girls and being a jack ass just like before. In fact, just after my accident my house kinda became the party house. I couldn't really get out, but people didn't mind bringing the party to me.

                            I guess if you're still fun to be around, people don't really give a sh*t. I also get just as much attention from the ladies as I did before, which really surprises me.