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    Joke

    The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

    Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

    Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.

    WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."

    The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.

    Trooper: "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

    Chief: "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

    Trooper: "No, even more important."

    Chief: "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?".

    Trooper: "No, even more important!"

    Chief: "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"

    Trooper: "No, even more important."

    Chief: "Well, WHO the HECK is it?"

    Trooper: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus. His chauffeur is the Pope."

    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~
    ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

    #2
    Good one, Jeff!

    _____________
    Tough times don't last - tough people do.
    _____________

    Comment


      #3
      Now THAT's quality.
      What we do in life echoes in eternity. Maximus - Gladiator

      Comment


        #4
        Parrot Joke

        A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
        sitting on a
        little
        perch.
        It doesn't have any feet or legs.
        The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what
        happened to this
        parrot?

        The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
        parrot".

        "Holy sh*t", the bloke replies. "You actually
        understood and
        answered
        me!"

        "I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a
        highly
        intelligent,
        throughly educated bird."

        "Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do
        you hang
        onto
        your
        perch without any feet?"

        "Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing
        but since you
        asked,
        I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little
        hook. You can't
        see
        it
        because of my feathers."

        "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and
        speak English,
        can't
        you!"

        "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
        converse with
        reasonable competence on
        almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
        philosophy.
        I'm
        especially good at
        ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a
        great companion."

        The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I
        just can't
        afford
        that."

        "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the
        truth is,
        nobody
        wants
        me cause I don't
        have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just
        make the guy
        an
        offer!"

        The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
        Weeks go by.
        The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
        humour, he's
        interesting, he's a great pal,
        he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's
        insightful. The
        bloke
        is delighted.

        One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
        goes
        "Psssssssssssst"
        and motions him
        over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
        this or not,
        but
        it's about your wife
        and the postman."

        "What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

        "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted
        him at the
        door in
        a
        sheer black nighty
        and kissed him passionately."

        "WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what
        happened?"

        "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted
        up her
        nighty and
        began petting
        her all over" reported the parrot.

        "My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

        "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees
        and began to
        lick
        her
        all over,
        starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

        " WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT
        HAPPENED?"

        "F*ck knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and
        fell off my
        perch."
        "Oh yeah life goes on
        Long after the thrill of livin is gone"

        John Cougar Mellencamp

        Comment


          #5
          Getting into Heaven

          Getting into Heaven

          "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

          "NO!" the children all answered.

          "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

          Again, the answer was, "NO!"

          "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"

          I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

          "Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

          A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD"



          --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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          Comment


            #6
            Mike and Max, you are really funny. I laughed for a long time. Wise.

            Comment


              #7
              dangers of drinking ?

              Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor
              > manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
              > labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
              > happened to your bra.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
              > when you are not.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
              > retard.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
              > and over again that you love them.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
              > are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
              > converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
              > Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
              > morning and see something really scary.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
              > rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
              > tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
              > invisible or worse bulletproof.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
              > laughing WITH you!
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
              > time-space continuum, whereby sections of time may seem to literally
              > disappear.
              > >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause extra steps on the staircase.
              >
              > >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
              > >
              > >WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mayc you tink you can tipe reel
              > gud.
              >
              >
              >
              >
              >
              > ...And remember?.beauty is only a lightswitch away...
              Every day I wake up is a good one .

              Comment


                #8
                this gives new meaning to " enforcement "

                .

                Comment


                  #9
                  LOL, Carl

                  You're right! I'll pay attention to those signs a lot more, now!! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

                  ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~
                  ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
                    her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says,
                    "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
                    vacation."

                    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
                    borrow.

                    The frog says "$30,000."

                    The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
                    Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank
                    manager.

                    Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
                    that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if
                    he has anything he can use as collateral.

                    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
                    elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

                    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

                    She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out
                    there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.

                    And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"



                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > > (are you ready?)

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > > (are you sure?)

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > > (are you really sure?!)

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    > > >

                    The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

                    Sorry!

                    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~
                    ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Geeez, I hope not

                      Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
                      our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
                      install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

                      Thank you for calling heaven.
                      For English press 1
                      For Spanish press 2
                      For all other languages, press 3

                      Please select one of the following options:
                      Press 1 for request
                      Press 2 for thanksgiving
                      Press 3 for complaints
                      Press 4 for all others

                      I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
                      now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
                      order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak
                      to:
                      God, press 1
                      Jesus press 2
                      Holy spirit, press 3

                      To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter
                      his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative
                      response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

                      For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

                      For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
                      please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

                      Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang
                      up and call again tomorrow.

                      The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

                      If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
                      contact your local pastor.

                      Thank you and have a heavenly day.

                      ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~
                      ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

                      Comment


                        #12
                        TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE

                        TWO CHICKENS AND A GOOSE

                        A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

                        "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

                        The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

                        The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

                        The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying abucket, an anvil two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

                        The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, puthe anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."



                        --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Post your ad for free now! Yahoo! Canada Personals

                        ==============================
                        "With every scientific advance, we grow closer to unlocking the mysteries of life and creation. But what have we gained if in the process, we lose our humanity. The most powerful thing we pass along to our children may not reside in the genes, but in the soul."
                        The Outer Limits(Criminal Nature)


                        http://stores.ebay.com/MAKSYM-Variety-Store

                        Comment


                          #13
                          getting his monies worth !

                          A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
                          bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
                          coffee?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really
                          taken the edge off my appetite."

                          At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
                          soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines.
                          "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.."

                          Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like
                          maybe steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty
                          stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "Naw,
                          still not hungry."

                          "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
                          Every day I wake up is a good one .

                          Comment


                            #14
                            A young brunette goes into the doctor's
                            office and reports that her body hurts,
                            wherever she touches it.

                            "Impossible," says the doctor.
                            "Show me what you mean."

                            So, she takes her finger and pushes
                            her elbow and screams in agony.
                            Then she pushes
                            her knee and screams,
                            pushes her ankle and screams
                            and so it goes on,
                            everywhere she touches makes her scream.

                            The doctor says,
                            "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
                            "No, I'm actually a blonde," she replies.
                            "I thought so," says the doctor.
                            "Your finger is broken."

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Little Girl

                              A little girl returned home from school one day and proudly proclaimed to her Mother that she'd learned that day where babies come from.

                              The Mother was surprised to hear her say that, so she decided to pursue the matter.

                              "Okay", said the Mother, "Tell me. Where DO babies come from?"

                              The little girls says, "Well, when a man takes his 'thing' and puts it in the womans mouth, then you get a baby!"

                              "No, no, no" said the mother. "That's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

                              Comment

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