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    #31
    i've got plenty of beers and jokes left .

    Tell me this....

    Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

    Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

    If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

    Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

    Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

    Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

    What do people in China call their good plates?

    Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
    Every day I wake up is a good one .

    Comment


      #32
      beware of the gentler sex !

      Subject: CIA Opening
      The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.
      For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
      The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
      The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
      The second man was given the same instructions He took the gun and went
      into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
      The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
      Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
      Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
      Every day I wake up is a good one .

      Comment


        #33
        which one is the bitch ?

        A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
        > > >most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A
        > > >long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
        >feet
        > > >behind.
        > > >
        > > >Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog
        > > >on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman
        > > >couldn't stand the curiosity.
        > > >
        > > >She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am
        > > >so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
        > > >but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
        > > >
        > > >The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What
        > > >happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
        > > >
        > > >She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman
        > > >answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when
        > > >the dog turned on her."
        > > >
        > > >A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
        > > >women.
        > > >
        > > >"Can I borrow the dog?"
        > > >
        > > >"Get in line."
        Every day I wake up is a good one .

        Comment


          #34
          a question of sementics ?

          A lessone in etiquette
          A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
          months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to
          a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The
          train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on
          his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit
          down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there
          was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
          looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat
          beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was
          insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is
          sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a
          seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a
          couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he
          said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant"
          she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
          finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months
          with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold
          your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant,
          you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in,
          picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was
          speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
          seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
          lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
          of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
          fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
          of the window."
          Every day I wake up is a good one .

          Comment


            #35
            A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

            The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

            The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!"

            The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

            The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

            Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

            At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

            The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
            "The only true currency in this bankrupt world...is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - Almost Famous

            Comment


              #36
              Beer (this one is for Dogger)

              This guy goes into the bar on Friday night and orders three beers. In fact, every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers ... every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy, "Every Friday night you come In here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says, "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back, so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt badly.

              Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but ordered only to beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks. This went on for some time, and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have been ordering only two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here." The guy says, "Yes, indeed, there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church, and I can't drink beer any more."
              "The only true currency in this bankrupt world...is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - Almost Famous

              Comment


                #37
                hijacking solution .

                > Federal Aviation Agency
                > > 800 Independence Avenue S.W.
                > > Washington D.C. 20591
                > >
                > > Dear Sirs;
                > >
                > > I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at
                the
                > > same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
                > >
                > > Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at
                naked
                > > women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants
                with
                > > strippers.
                > >
                > > Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
                seeing a
                > > naked woman, and, of course, every businessman in this country
                would
                > > start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We
                would have
                > > no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
                record sales.

                Now why didn't Congress think of this?
                > >
                > > Sincerely,
                > >
                > > Bill Clinton

                [This message was edited by dogger on Aug 31, 2002 at 05:59 PM.]
                Every day I wake up is a good one .

                Comment


                  #38
                  signs of time

                  25 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE GROWN UP...
                  > > > 1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.
                  > > > 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
                  > > > 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
                  > > > 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
                  > > > 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
                  > > > 6. You carry an umbrella cuz you watch the Weather Channel.
                  > > > 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
                  > > > 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
                  > > > 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
                  > > > 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next
                  >door
                  > > > don't know how to turn down the stereo.
                  > > > 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
                  > > > 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
                  > > > 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
                  > > > 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
                  > > > 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
                  > > > 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
                  > > > 17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
                  >one.
                  > > > 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset,
                  > > rather
                  > > > than settle, your stomach.
                  > > > 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
                  >and
                  > > > pregnancy test kits.
                  > > > 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
                  > > > 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
                  > > > 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going
                  >to
                  > > > drink that much again."
                  > > > 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
                  > > work.
                  > > > 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
                  > > > 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply
                  >to

                  [This message was edited by dogger on Aug 31, 2002 at 05:56 PM.]
                  Every day I wake up is a good one .

                  Comment


                    #39
                    one for the blokes !

                    FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

                    How many men does it take to open a beer?
                    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
                    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
                    be able to support you.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
                    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
                    the kitchen sink.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
                    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
                    ----------------------------------------
                    How do you fix a woman's watch?
                    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Why do men break wind more than women?
                    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
                    front door, who do you let in first?
                    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
                    A woman who won't do what she's told.
                    --------------------------------------
                    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her..
                    ---------------------------------------
                    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
                    90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
                    I said, "Dust!"
                    ----------------------------------------
                    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
                    and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
                    ------------------------------------------
                    Why do men die before their wives?
                    They want to.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
                    said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
                    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
                    doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
                    Dad: That happens in every country, son.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
                    Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
                    the same thing: "You can have mine."
                    ----------------------------------------
                    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
                    ----------------------------------------
                    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
                    bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
                    Every day I wake up is a good one .

                    Comment


                      #40
                      are there any economists on the forum ?

                      ? what is the definition of an economist ?


                      (a) a man who marries Elle McPherson for her money.

                      dogger [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
                      Every day I wake up is a good one .

                      Comment


                        #41
                        Dogger,

                        You are hilarious.

                        Deb
                        "Save the last dance for me!"

                        Comment


                          #42
                          one for sunday night .

                          For sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video -
                          A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

                          TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
                          CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

                          TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
                          subsequent catastrophe
                          CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
                          subsequent catastrophe

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

                          TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

                          TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gift.

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

                          TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
                          CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing.
                          Every day I wake up is a good one .

                          Comment


                            #43
                            The blonde and the truckdriver !

                            As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says; "Hi, my name is Krista and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

                            When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

                            At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The truckerlowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!"

                            When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

                            Comment


                              #44
                              the Scotsmans kilt ?

                              a Scottish lad and a willing but naive lassie on a date .after some heavy petting , she says '' Fergus whats under ya kilt ?'' Fergus says ''take a look Lassie '' so she lifts his kilt and has a look .she drops the kilt and says ''och but it's gruesome '' Fergus replies '' have another look , it's grew some more .''

                              thank you
                              dogger
                              Every day I wake up is a good one .

                              Comment


                                #45
                                DARK!

                                A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
                                > > Her
                                > > > > 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
                                > > > > bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She
                                > > puts
                                > > > > her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
                                > > there
                                > > > > already.
                                > > > >
                                > > > > The little boy says, "Dark in here."
                                > > > > The man says, "Yes, it is."
                                > > > > Boy - "I have a baseball."
                                > > > > Man - "That's nice."
                                > > > > Boy - "Want to buy it?"
                                > > > > Man - "No, thanks."
                                > > > > Boy - "My dad's outside."
                                > > > > Man - "OK, how much?"
                                > > > > Boy - "$250"
                                > > > >
                                > > > > In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
                                > > are
                                > > > > in the closet together.
                                > > > >
                                > > > > Boy - "Dark in here."
                                > > > > Man - "Yes, it is."
                                > > > > Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
                                > > > > The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
                                > > > > Boy - "$750"
                                > > > > Man - "Fine."
                                > > > >
                                > > > > A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
                                > > let's go
                                > > > > outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
                                > > > > baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
                                > > > > for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge
                                > > your
                                > > > > friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
                                > > > > going to take you to church and make you confess."
                                > > > >
                                > > > > They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
                                > > > > confession booth and he closes the door.
                                > > > >
                                > > > > The boy says, "Dark in here."
                                > > > > The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
                                Every day I wake up is a good one .

                                Comment

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