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    > >
    > > 10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC
    > >
    > > 9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagorus, 126 BC
    > >
    > > 8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566
    > >
    > > 7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer,1877
    > >
    > > 6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926
    > >
    > > 5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937
    > >
    > > 4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein,1938
    > >
    > > 3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
    > >
    > > 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the
    > > head!" -JFK, 1963
    > >
    > > And,.....drum roll.......
    > > The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F"
    > > word.................
    > >
    > > 1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,

  • #2

    Good one i needed that Max,thanks man..



    • #3


      A young couple took their three-year-old son to Dr. Cohen. With some
      hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be
      in good health, they were concerned about his rather small "member".

      After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
      bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."

      The next morning, the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of
      warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

      "Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"

      "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."


      • #4
        A soldier was being shown around his new base in the desert. At the end of the tour he asked the guide where all the women were. His guide said that there were no women on the base but if he "had the urge" in one of the sheds there was a camel and a stool. He was a little surprised by this answer but didn't think much of it. After being on the base for a few weeks he started getting "anxious" and kept thinking about what the guide had said about the camel. One day his temptation got the best of him and he went over to the shed. Inside he saw the camel and the stool. He pulled the stool behind the camel, lowered his pants and stepped onto the stool. Just the the same guide came into the shed, looked at him and said, "You know, most guys use the stool to get onto the camel to ride into town to find women."


        • #5
          Baseball in Heaven?

          Baseball in Heaven?

          Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." A few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


          • #6

            > > A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day
            > > riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog
            > > under a shade tree. The redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold
            > > About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in an asks who owns the dog
            > > tied under the tree.
            > > The redneck cowboy tells him that its his.
            > > The policeman says, "your dog is in heat."
            > > The redneck cowboy answers, "no way the dog's in heat, he's cool, cause
            > > he's tied under the shade of the tree."
            > > The policeman says, "no, you don't understand, your dog needs to be
            > > The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says, "no way the dog needs
            > > bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning."
            > > The policeman finally loses his temper and says, "Look, your dog wants
            > > to have sex!"
            > > The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead, I always wanted to
            > > own a police dog."


            • #7
              I recently got this quote from a friend, author unknown.

              "A good friend will bail you out of jail. Your best friend will
              be sitting right beside you saying that was @#$%ing awesome."

              I thought it fit well in this topic.
              Mom to Heather, age 16, T-12, 8 years post & Michael, age 19.


              • #8
                Mouse balls....

                Just in emergency ...
                > Mouse Balls: I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face...This
                > apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees
                > in all seriousness.. It went to all field engineers about a computer
                > peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The
                > rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
                > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                > Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
                > If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
                > ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
                > Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
                > mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
                > proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
                > the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
                > Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
                > Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
                > replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually
                > sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
                > completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
                > recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
                > optimum customer satisfaction.
                > Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
                > of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that
                > customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.


                • #9
                  mouse balls

                  thanks Max i needed that [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]


                  • #10
                    Some weekend

                    Some weekend

                    Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,
                    right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They
                    noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
                    stopped and decided to go there anyway.

                    The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
                    her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

                    The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
                    panties..." so she used the ribbon off a flower wreath to clean herself.

                    The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone,
                    and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that
                    these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her

                    The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
                    her ass that read, "We will never forget you".



                    • #11
                      Q & A

                      Q: How is a woman like a condom?
                      A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

                      Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
                      A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing and
                      in the end you lose your house.

                      Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
                      A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

                      Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
                      A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

                      Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
                      A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

                      Q. What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ?
                      A. Darling

                      Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
                      A: A bellybutton!

                      Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
                      A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

                      Q: What can a jelly bean do that a man can't do?
                      A: Come in 7 different flavors.

                      Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
                      A: Divorced.

                      Q: How many MPH can you go on sex?
                      A: 68. When you hit 69 you have to turn around.

                      Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
                      A: Keep the tip.

                      Q: When did Pinocchio finally realize that he was made of wood?
                      A: When his hand caught fire.

                      Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde who snorted nutra sweet?
                      A: She thought it was diet coke.