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    when reality hits ....

    reading curtis's post brought forth how i am feeling. a year to this day i was hemming my pants to go out with friends clubbing. that night i never made it home. The driver of the car i was in i was told was drunk and we hit a tree, leaving me a t4/5 complete. this last year i have been i guess in denile thinking maybe i would wake up and this would just all be a bad dream. Or that maybe i would come out of it walking. i think now that it has been a year reality has hit that this is real. And wow does it suck.

    if i had of known that night what i know now, i would have danced longer knowing i would never be able to do it again.

    as time goes does it get easier?

    what do you guys do to keep busy to keep your mind off this?

    #2
    In my experience, it does get easier. You never get over the loss, really, but you don't focus on it as much. I've been paralyzed for 11 and a half years, and I'm generally happier these days than I was 1 year post.

    I don't know that you're in denial. It's still new for you, and everybody deals with it in their own way and in their own time.

    Hang in there. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

    ~Rus

    "Don't judge me by my failures, but only by my dreams" (SR-71)

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      #3
      Easier said then done..............

      Get on with the buisness of life. You've had a year of self-pity, doubt, and loathing. You were well entitled to it and earned every minute of it! But now comes the the time to roll up your sleeves and kick hell out of the obsticles life places in your way. SCI sucks the big one, but don't allow it to defeat you by becoming an excuse to fail.

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        #4
        IT IS HARD TO TELL YOU IT WILL GET EASIER. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. I SPEND ALOT OF TIME WORKING WITH OTHERS WITH SCI. IT REALLY HELPS ME OUT. ILOVE FOR PEOPLE TO TELL ME "YOU CANT DO THAT YOUR IN A WHEELCHAIR" I LOVE TO PROVE PEOPLE WRONG. IT DOES SUCK TO LIVE EVERYDAY IN A DAM WHEELCHAIR THOUGH. I GET TIRED OF SITTING! BUT I COULD BE LYING (6 FOOT UNDER) GOOD LUCK TO YOU. BILLY FRYAR "KEEP ON ROLLIN"

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          #5
          Tell me about it...

          I can't tell you it gets easier because I'm not even a year injured. I know how you feel. I'll be cruising along, living my life to the best of my ability when reality hits. I feel like I'm someone else, like this isn't my life when all sudden it hits me: THIS IS MY LIFE!! And it sucks. Theres no denying it.
          It is incredibly hard to pull myself together and keep on going. All I can hope is that someday this will feel real. I will never, ever, accept this as a permnament life.
          What keeps me going? Seeing others in chairs suceed, and overcome obstacles. I can see that it does become easier, physically at least.
          Also, I started a topic called 'dealing with reality' and the responses there were incredible. They gave me the courage, strength, and ability to keep on going.

          "It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible
          to find it elsewhere."
          --Agnes Repplier, writer and historian

          Emily, C-8 sensory incomplete mom to a 8 year old and a preschooler. TEN! years post.

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            #6
            Two things that I learned after almost 14 years post-injury

            1. SCI is hell.
            2. You get used to it.

            I'd be lying if I denied that even now I still get the odd moment where I think this is all some bizarrely horrible nightmare, and that all I'd ever have to do is wake up. You're only a year post, so you're pretty much exactly where people usually are.

            I don't know if it's a question of does it ever get better. As I said, you just get used to it. And then you start finding other stuff to occupy your mind so that you think about it less.
            "The only true currency in this bankrupt world...is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - Almost Famous

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              #7
              Shanna-

              I danced my last dance the night I was injured, I can still smell her perfume, lol. I guess my point is this. We will be dancing again and in short order I think. We may have to travel to BFE to get it done, but hey what else do we have to look forward to? Like I told Emi before, I want to be in Mexico on a beach, and getting brown as hell in 4 years. Able to walk to the water and feel the sand in my toes. That is the only thing that keeps my head up!

              Comment


                #8
                t4 sci too

                Shanna, IMO Scorpion has alot of wisdom in his words... I have had a sci for 18 yrs now... I was injured at 18 yrs old... I have a great husband and 3 daughters all after my sci... Life will get easier for you, but there will be alot of bumbs in the road till you get to the smooth part... I am at the smooth part of the road right now, but have my bad days just not as many as I used to... If you ever want to talk my email addy is annabell123@msn.com Just keep looking to your future... Anna

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                  #9
                  The only way to keep my mind off of this is.........Sex. Better get some!

                  "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked..."
                  - Allen Ginsburg
                  "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked..."
                  - Allen Ginsburg

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Reality still hits me!

                    And it's all the same realization and incredulous emotion you describe, and I'm twenty-two years post. In my first year it used to happen five or ten times per day. I would just get slammed with that impossible, only-happens-to-other-people kind of realization that it's true - I'm paralyzed - I can't believe it, kind of feeling. As time went by it reduced to one or twice a day. Eventually, once a week. Now, it happens like once every month or two. It's not as strong as before but it's the same thing.

                    It never hindered me. It was always just a momentary swell of everything you described in your post. I don't think it was related to the severe depression I also had at the time.

                    I described that feeling to a counsellor back then because it was such an overwhelming mix of emotions like something I'd never felt before. She said she'd heard that described to her on many occassions and that people said it never truly goes away but would lessen over time. She was exactly right in my case.

                    I also never minded it and still don't. It kind of lets me know that the real me is still inside me wanting to get out. A lot of people are offended at that statemenet because it implies I have to be AB to be the real me and therefore I feel disabled people are not real people. That couldn't be any further from the truth. I feel pretty damn real. Believe you me. It is just that it's comforting to not have let go of the walking me. I really love and miss the person I was and look forward to being able to express myself again one day in some of those same ways that I could before. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else but it does to me. Wish I could say it better.

                    ~See you at the SCIWire-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~
                    ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by Jeff:


                      I also never minded it and still don't. It kind of lets me know that the real me is still inside me wanting to get out. A lot of people are offended at that statemenet because it implies I have to be AB to be the real me and therefore I feel disabled people are not real people. That couldn't be any further from the truth. I feel pretty damn real. Believe you me. It is just that it's comforting to not have let go of the walking me. I really love and miss the person I was and look forward to being able to express myself again one day in some of those same ways that I could before. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else but it does to me. Wish I could say it better.
                      You said it just fine, Jeff. I'm not as articulate as some here (just because it takes me too damn long to type anything), but I read your message loud and clear.

                      As a musician pre-SCI one of my favorite things to do was hear new songs on the radio and try and replicate them by ear on the piano or guitar. I used to be really good at figuring out the keys and chord changes & all that. The other day I was listening to the radio and trying to figure out a couple of the songs in my head and thinking, damn I'm out of practice.

                      Then it really hit me, I haven't picked up my guitar since 1988, but I still know where the fingers go...
                      "The only true currency in this bankrupt world...is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - Almost Famous

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by shanna:

                        as time goes does it get easier?

                        what do you guys do to keep busy to keep your mind off this?
                        Easier? You get more used to it, which makes things easier.

                        School and work are two very good ways to pass time for me. Occasionally I will read a book or eight to take myself away, but... In short, keeping busy. Making others feel good. Helping people with their problems.

                        Oh yeah, 6 years post in August, pretty close to your age [22].

                        Just remember: You are still you. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

                        -Steven
                        ...it's worse than we thought. it turns out the people at the white house are not secret muslims, they're nerds.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Shanna,

                          My SCI occurred when I was only 16 yrs old. I remember my 1 year like it was just recent. I had told myself early on after SCI that if I was still in a wc after 1 year, I would kill myself. Well, it's been 11 years now and life is good. I'm working in a career that I love, have a wonderful boyfriend, and have a great circle of family and friends.
                          Sure, I still get into those "I hate being SCI" days and "This can't be my life" moments. But the truth of it is....IT IS my life. I don't think we really ever FULLY accept it, but we learn to live with it and go on.
                          Things do get easier with time, and you'll realize that there is still alot out there that you are able to do. Life is still full of endless possibilities, but you just have to be willing to get out there and find them. Good luck to you. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

                          Comment


                            #14
                            You need to spend time exercising ,keeping your body in shape for when a cure is found.If no one has told you yet it is good to stand,get someone to build you a standing frame,great for your bones and circulation.You need to figure out what you are going to do with your life.If you were in college when your accident happened,go back to school.If you were working,try to find a job.I am 16 months post injury and i still think it is a bad dream.My doctor feels i need to be seeing a shrink bcause i can't accept being paralyzes and that i can exercise my way back to good healt.Maybe he is right ,but i feel better after when i am working out.Try to do some of the things you would be doing if you were not injured.I have returned to coaching,and it is hell wheeling my chair over the feilds but it is what i would be doing if i was AB.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Jeff

                              I certainly agree with your idea we are just as good as anyone else.I'm post 29 yrs.I tell people if you cannot accept yourself as you are now,then we are prejudice.Believe me i never alway's thought that way and i had as many struggles,more pride,uncertain of who i really was,and numerous other handicap's too numerous to mention.Being in the chair has taught me many thing's,one being,communication.Understanding other's.Patience,And God knows i'm a better person all around now than i was before.There are people who have mental handicaps who need supervision,there are other's whom i would not change places with even though they have "perfect bodies".At least now i know who i am.And i thank God for my strength...It takes time Shanna,and faith.

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