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Throwing in the towel,,,,,,,

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    Throwing in the towel,,,,,,,

    How do you talk yourself out of just giving up? I have always thought of myself as a strong individual, never gave up on anything. Some of you that read my earlier post "Help" know that my marriage is all but dead,,,,, and by my own doing.

    Besides my daughters, my wife is why I choose to remain in this world. The first two years of my SCI suicide was on my mind constantly, I was able to overcome that because I had my wife and my daughters to live for, now I may lose part of that and suicide is trying to creap back into to my mind.

    The thought of being alone scares me to death, I could handle it if I could walk, but if I could walk, well things would be different.

    I have always thought of suicide being a cowards way out,,,, I guess now I am gonna find out how brave I really am.


    Giving up isn't the answer, Max. Married or not, your daughters need their father! This isn't an answer. You need to talk to someone now. Call a friend, call a family member, call your doctor or minister. Call me. e-mail my office address at and I'll send you my direct phone number. Please talk to someone now! - Joe


      Joe's right, Max. I'm 11 years post, and a girlfriend and haven't gotten laid since SCI. You see me givin' up? No way! You've got a helluva lot to live for even if you can't work things out with your wife.



        Give it some timeMax

        We do not know each other. I am responding to a post by Joe who also you don't know. Joe was caring enough to post at New Mobility site that he was concerned about you state of mind. I have read your post and join in with Joe in an effort to ask you to reconsider any hasty thoughts that you are having at this time. Joe and I would love to help you if you will let us. You need to think about your daughters. They still love you and I bet with some help you and your wife can work your problems out. Joe and I would really love to hear from you. Please let us hear from you.

        God Bless
        Your new friend


          Max you are scaring me.
          I have been thinking about you all day. It worries me that you cannot find the good things to live for. Peanut Butter Cup Sonic Blasts-mmm I am telling you. You still love your wife and I would bet that she still loves you. She has just said she cannot take it anymore. Convince her you can change, and just do it.It is not as bad as it sounds. If you keep dwelling on the negitive you are giving her more reason to want to leave.

          I think that you need to work on living for today. Maybe try some prozac.Wouldn't it be stupid if you killed yourself and they anounced a cure tomorrow or next week??? It may be a while but it is in the pipeline.

          Your daughers need you. Think about how bad that it would make them feel to loose you. It would be so easy for you, all over in a second, but they would have to live with it forever. If you want to do that to them you are just mean.

          Planning to change:
          1. Start by making a list of what you know that you could do.
          2.Contact a OT to see if you need some structured help to learn how to live independently.
          3.Get a marriage counseler you need someone to talk to.If you can show some action she will probably hold off.

          On repairing your relationship- Think romanticly. She is not a nurse she is your wife. Tell her she is beautiful. Pick her flowers, make her breakfast,write her a list of ten things that you love about her, clean the toilets. ACTION ACTION ACTION.

          Get on it buddy! Life is good and it will get better, if you get busy living it!

          Nag Nag Nag. You can see why you are lucky not to have me for a wife. I want to see that list of things you can do on your own by 5:00 PM! [img]/forum/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img]


            Who is going to explain death to those kids? Who will go to teacher conferences and soccer games? Show them how to fish? Explain how to play gin rummy? Who will be there when they go on their first date to tell them to be good and home early and then cry after they shut the door because they aren't babies anymore? Who is going to yell and scream and threaten when they want to pierce this, tattoo that, smoke weed or start suddenly taking an unusually intense interest in condom commercials? Who is going to pay for the Sweet 16 parties? Who is going to take pictures with pride when they walk across that stage in cap and gown? Who will walk them down the aisle? And most importantly, who is going to know to put an arm around them and comfort them because they are thinking that "I wish Dad was here to see me do this"?

            And do you want to leave the woman you love with a major guilt trip? Suicide is always an option. It's there just about anytime you want to grab it. Life is not.

            You're a T10 and, what? In law school or something? It's time to start doing more alone. I need help with some of the stuff you listed but I'm a C5-7 and have only one working tricep. And after 9 years I am still trying to do more so my husband can have more time off. I mean he didn't wind up in the chair, I did.

            I agree with whoever suggested an OT or rehab again. Unless you live in a totally inaccessible house you should not need help with personal chores at all--well, excepting some side problems that do develop along the way. Once in the shower I'm on my own except for my feet and the only reason I haven't quite conquered them yet is how far forward I'd have to lean. I can even wiggle out of all my clothes and get into a night shirt when I want. Took a bit of practice with the button hook and zipper pull on my jeans but from shoes and socks on up I can do it in my own bathroom (and you don't even have a bra to deal with). Get the tools and environment you need to do this stuff. Why would you let anyone help you with these things if you can do them alone in a reasonable amount of time?

            Call someone for support, Max. Do it tonight. There's always a nurse on duty near the desk at the old rehab you went to, call her or him now. They understand. And I think once you start doing what you are able to do, you'll find suicide hiding in the back of your brain where it should be. And you and your wife, whether she stays or not, will have a lot more respect for you. You might even start enjoying life again. I know this road sucks. It sucks big time! But sometimes you have to think of the bigger picture to get you through the day. You may not think you're important to anyone but to your kids, you're the world.

            PS...on a medical note, take a good look at your meds and make sure depression or mood swings are not listed as side effects. Basic SCI depression is enough to deal with--you don't need a supplement. Hang in there, Max. Tomorrow might bring a miracle or at least a rainbow. Sue P.
            Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

            Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.


              Thank you all,,,

              Especially you Sue, you know how to point out the things that are important.

              I won't let this beat me, even if it cost me my wife,,,, as much as I love her, if she leaves me over this, it would have been somthing else down the road.

              I am not giving up on her either, I hired a PCA today and as soon as I get this pressure sore healed up I am gonna get myself back in rehab a try my damnest to get totally independent.

              My biggest fear is being alone, with her go the girls and then I have nothing, but as much as that may hurt it will be better than not being there for my girls when they need me.


                Very well put, Sue.

                Good luck, Max!



                  Suicide takes a lot more guts than people give credit for. After all, it is a definitive final act. No matter how little hope a person has, once you're dead the hope level is zero. Suicide is a regular thought of mine, but I don't have the nerve to do it, even if I knew a way. So, I keep looking for effective treatment for my pains, after which I'll probably have to go through rehab again to finally be able to learn to do the things a "normal" C-5 does.

                  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


                    Help is on the way!!!!!!!!!


                    I don't know you except from these forums but I feel like I "know" you, it's sort of weird this internet stuff. Anyway here's what I have to say . . . Perhaps I can offer a perspective from your wifes point of view (I know I'm presuming alot) . . .

                    My husband was hurt 2 and a half years ago cutting wood with our son leaving him a T5 para. We have 4 children (17,14,13 and 7). I thought we were doing alright until just recently when I realized I was starting to resent more and more the added responsibility of taking care of our home, the kids etc. . Even though we get tremendous support from family and friends no one can possibly know (except for you dear people here) what it's like to live with this injury. Guilt and anger are my demons!! And there is a tremendous amount of guilt that comes with the territory here - guilt for being able to walk (and taking it for granted), guilt for feeling angry at your spouse for not being able to do all that he once was able to do, I even feel guilty when I go to the bathroom for pete's sake (just another thing we ablebodies take for granted) I have anger for the accident - the doctors - the world etc. etc. . I even have guilt for having guilt . . . when I read what the high level quads go through in a day - I will think " Gee are we lucky it was only as bad as it was!"

                    Max, I know each injury is an individual thing and I'm afraid I might say something to upset you or make you feel less than you are so obviously feeling now. My husband takes care of all his personal ADL himself including his bowel program and I still find life difficult to manage even with all the independance he has - there is so many other things to consider that are affected as a married couple with this injury and we have been married 24 years. Counselling has helped us from time to time and I guess I'm just determined to keep this family together . . . I wish so much I could help you and your wife with my words. If you think it might help . . . she could email me.

                    I don't know all that is going on in your wife's mind but I suspect we share some of the same feelings. Perhaps this turning point is the catalyst to getting you working toward more independance for "your own sake" and with any luck getting things on track with your family! Please try not to get discouraged - although suicide is something that haunts my husbands mind as well (another side affect of this injury) and I say to myself some days who could blame him! However I'm not ashamed to say it makes me a little angry to think of the selfishness of the act when I think of having to explain to my children . . . well you get the picture . . .

                    Take a little something from all the advice and encouragement here - sort out what will work for you (and what won't) but above all remember you are not alone!

                    Besides Max . . . you keep us informed and up to date with your news stories and articles . . .and that would be missed . . . the same as Garym's style and wit is now sorely missed! [img]/forum/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]
                    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

                    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                    Jane Siberry


                      Max . . .

                      You will become independent and it will mean everything to you. Your self-esteem will take a leap forward making the world a much brighter place.

                      I can see that you're afraid of being alone. Maybe having your wife as your caregiver was a way you thought to add to the bond between you. Even if she does leave, though, there's no reason you have to be alone. I loved having the cameraderie of male roommates when I had them. I hope you work things out with your wife but there are other options to not be lonely, if necessary.

                      There's been great advice so far. I think if you get busy doing your own care as soon as you can things will change damatically for you. It might feel scary for you as being "independent" might seem related to being by yourself. But the two really are not related at all. Get after it and you'll see.
                      ~See you at the CareCure-used-to-be-paralyzed Reunion ~


                        MAX i cant give you any help about marriage but i know you can reach indepedance as a t-10, i'm a c6-7 who lives alone and does all his own bowel, bladder, skin etc. care himself. it wasnt easy to learn but its do able and like jeff said its a great self confidence builder to be as indepedant as you can. besides your girls will always need a father which only you can do. HANG IN THEIR SO THAT SOME DAY YOU CAN----

                        LIVE IT UP AND LIVE IT LARGE!!!!

                        [This message was edited by X-racer... on August 30, 2001 at 05:55 PM.]
                        LIVE IT UP AND LIVE IT LARGE!!!!


                          What a Bunch of Gullible Gimps

                          Do you people really think Fat Bastard here is gonna kill himself? Look at the facts. The man is too damn lazy to wipe his own ass or put on his own drawers. What makes you think he'll be willing to put forth the effort needed to commit suicide? Now that I've cleared that up, you can all stop worrying and go back to your normal lives of leeching off the government, freaking out little kids with your bizarre appearance, and reeking of urine.


                            Ron please

                            Ron please edit your post or delete it if you refuse to take back what you said. Obviously what has been said, has been said and can never be taken back.The language and direct speech to this person is entirely inapropriate and could be extremely damaging.


                            L1,2 Para since 9-12-99
                            Mommy to William (2004) Lucas (2008) Nathan (2011)
                            The Wheelchair Mommy Blog



                              Max Bench (the originator of this thread) and Max (the guy who posts all of the news articles) are not the same person.
                              Know Thyself