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  • Quads what keeps you going?

    Hello,
    been a quad for close to 25 years and I am having trouble keeping things going. I am just so depressed and would like to die. Money and some success haven't changed things..
    It's so hard to live in a world where there are so many things to do but yet you cannot participate.. I know there are a few people who want me here. But how about my quality of life?
    The happiest news I could receive is a doctor saying you have 3 months to live. Sorry for complaining I just am tired of this and want to know how others can stay positive.. Any feedback would be great!
    "Life's a Party and Your Not Invited"

  • #2
    Hey sorry for what your going through. I am a T-10 para post 25 years depression effects all not only quads. I have also had this feeling and mainly because of dealing with chronic pain since injury. I am talkign bad pain level 10. Where I told them if they don't do something with this pain. I am going to take myself out of this world. They didn't believe me so after 11 years. I did a suicide attempt and shot myself. I had to be life flighted to the hospital to save my life. The doctor left the bullet in me after surgery. Said next time you feel bad reach around your back here's the bullet you can feel it. To be honest since then I think of all the great memories I have had. That I would have misses if I had taken myself out. Please try and focus on the good things you have if you can. Trust me life is what you make it. I know why because I passed when I got crushed by a dump truck as a desiel mechanic. Yes I was in the lords presence and yes it's amazing you can't put it into words. I am not even going to try. They brought me back to life and my life is good if I let it be. For the suffering you have now if you have faith and know there is a better place. If you want to talk and her the whole story I don't mind sharing just private message me. Hang in there man. Nick in phx.

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    • #3
      So sorry to hear you're in a painful spot. Thankfully, change occurs and hopefully you will find a way through this. Several years ago one of my family members took his own life and it was devastating for my whole family and still is very difficult to even talk about. No one in the family saw any signs and he did not reach out like you have.
      I hope you do share your feelings with someone close to you, not just Care Cure members.
      I'm in my late 70's, paralyzed since age 7, not SCI, but aware of the issues as my husband is an SCI para. As you can imagine there have been numerous hurdles over the years and we treasure our relationship for the strength it brings.
      Hoping you can continue to work on this, and this includes getting professional help as well as leaning on a close friend.

      Comment


      • #4
        Make yourself right with God. Life is so much easier knowing Jesus is with us. I'm pushing 49 years of SCI, wouldn't have made it this far without faith and hope.

        Comment


        • #5
          yes knowing the lord is a great peace but I don/t know ur level but I do know since I moved to here in florida life has become as fun as it can in a wheelchair for me

          Comment


          • #6
            What keeps me going?
            The failure to die I guess. That's about it. Life sucks.
            25yrs? You did your time, no one could ever accuse you of at least not trying to live....but quality of life? Fucking gone, don't let any low quad, para or able-bodied try to paint a rosy picture of "everything you can do"
            They don't know shit-all of what you face daily....and any quad that claims they're leading a full satisfying life is either lying or straight up brain damaged.
            You got my respect whatever direction you choose.

            Comment


            • #7
              I wish I knew the answer I've been and still go through a lot of soul searching on why I bother. C3 complete and vented and have asked for vent switched off from day 1 but was initially denied it. Last year I started again on the process to get it switched off, had strong support from all the medical professionals involved and I have the go ahead to do it. Getting that helped a lot, I know that I can exit when I want and I now just go day to day seeing how I feel. I'm lucky to have a job, not that many hours a week but I am self employed so do as much or as little as I want. I have an off road wheelchair so try and get out in the hills around me provided that it isn't cold. Not for everyone I guess but it does help me on bad days. Don't socialise very much and am watching my marriage slowly fall apart, when that happens it will be time to go. I try and travel for work related events, off to a 4 day trade show next weekend. Once again lucky that I have a job. When I look at my life I do very little compared to pre accident but I try and put that to one side and just focus on the day I'm living. It doesn't always work and I'm back to wondering why bother? Usually followed by a sleepless night and a lot of thinking. Next day might be different and I try and think positively.

              I've got advance directives in place and won't go into hospital again, if I have problems then my body makes the decision I'll just refuse treatment or if suffering ask for vent switched off.

              Comment


              • #8
                With the help of God. And staying busy. Just happy to be alive and doing what I can do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  aging with sci as a quad or para is tough. im 31 yrs post sci now and man things get more challenging. im not a religious person at all personally.
                  for me, my wife has really been my rock, she has a way with me that i cant quite describe. we have a way with each other.....im very fortunate in that respect. having someone by our side that loves us and needs us helps push the unpleasant aspects of sci back. and im an only child, my mom/dad are a huge part of our lives as our my inlaws. then sports and staying active and out of my own head.
                  \like mrb, i have a living will with my wishes and im very adamant about them. my family knows my wishes if something were to happen... my wife an i had that tough convo early on and revisit it occasionally.
                  Bike-on.com rep
                  John@bike-on.com
                  c4/5 inc funtioning c6. 28 yrs post.
                  sponsored handcycle racer

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    The fact that I haven't died yet. My nightly wish to die in my sleep has yet to come true. As depressed as I am, I wouldn't euthanize myself even if I had a way ( don't), because I couldn't do it to my family.
                    Alan

                    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I’ve been a quad almost 22 years (I’m turning 32 this year) and I’ve definitely battled with depression and all sorts of things. I have pretty terrible negative self-thoughts, but I think one thing that keeps me going is the will to prove myself and others wrong. For me, my depression isn’t so much about being a quad, but instead the limitations I face because I have a disability and honestly a lot of those limitations are financial and not physical. If I had more money, and didn’t have to stress over those kinds of things, I’d be a lot happier.

                      I’m not sure exactly what level quad you are, but what’s actually stopping you from being happy? Are there things you want to do that you can’t, because I’ve seen lots of people in chairs living pretty amazing lives—and not just the paras.
                      Don't call me Barbie, my name is Jen!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        C7 complete since 1989...

                        - In July 1989, the son of my step-grandmother's coworker came to give me a 4 hr pep talk at Blue Ridge Hospital and tell me how good my next rehab at WWRC would be.
                        - His name was Dennis and he was a C5, injured in late 1988. He was injured as a resident of WV and didn't qualify for rehab in Virginia. When he got out of acute rehab he went straight home and then moved across the state line to Virginia to qualify for Va Medicaid so he could eventually go to WWRC.
                        - Dennis knew he got shorted on rehab and was unbelieveably excited to get to go to WWRC and get on with his life. I mean he was off the charts thrilled about going there to better his life.
                        - I was thankful that he came to visit me and we got along well but I thought he was exaggerating about WWRC
                        - I went on to WWRC in mid-September 1989
                        - Dennis finally qualified for Va Medicaid and came to WWRC in the first week of December 1989. I was scheduled to leave WWRC a week before Christmas 1989.
                        - Dennis and I had lunch and dinner together at WWRC on his first day there. I was still on the unit and he was admitted to the assisted living units.
                        - At dinner Dennis told me that he waited too late on Sunday night to get help getting into bed, so he slept in his chair leaning over onto the bed. He was proud of this clever move he read about in a rehab manual.
                        - The next morning the aides helped him into bed and to get ready for his first day
                        - On his 2nd day, I passed him in physical therapy and said hello. He got out earlier than me from PT and headed to lunch.
                        - When I got out of PT, I headed down to lunch. When I got to the lunchroom, there was a commotion and all the nurses were in a circle and several were on the floor giving CPR to someone.
                        - I saw through the crowd that there was an empty wheelchair.
                        - They cleared the lunchroom. The nurses eventually came out. I asked one what was going on. She said a new guy who just came to WWRC the day before just passed away in the lunchroom. I asked if his name was Dennis and she said she thought so.
                        - It was Dennis who passed away. They think he had a pulmonary embolism.
                        - I have thought about Dennis every single day since. I barely knew Dennis and thought he was way too over the top about WWRC. I was wrong. He had a great spirit and outlook and died way too young.
                        - I have bad days just like everyone but I have a mantra, "Remember Dennis", and say it to myself everytime I start feeling negative or depressed.

                        I can see where this may not apply to this thread but I tell you it has kept me going for 30 years.
                        Last edited by Patton57; 01-20-2019, 10:32 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by mrb View Post
                          I wish I knew the answer I've been and still go through a lot of soul searching on why I bother. C3 complete and vented and have asked for vent switched off from day 1 but was initially denied it. Last year I started again on the process to get it switched off, had strong support from all the medical professionals involved and I have the go ahead to do it. Getting that helped a lot, I know that I can exit when I want and I now just go day to day seeing how I feel. I'm lucky to have a job, not that many hours a week but I am self employed so do as much or as little as I want. I have an off road wheelchair so try and get out in the hills around me provided that it isn't cold. Not for everyone I guess but it does help me on bad days. Don't socialise very much and am watching my marriage slowly fall apart, when that happens it will be time to go. I try and travel for work related events, off to a 4 day trade show next weekend. Once again lucky that I have a job. When I look at my life I do very little compared to pre accident but I try and put that to one side and just focus on the day I'm living. It doesn't always work and I'm back to wondering why bother? Usually followed by a sleepless night and a lot of thinking. Next day might be different and I try and think positively.

                          I've got advance directives in place and won't go into hospital again, if I have problems then my body makes the decision I'll just refuse treatment or if suffering ask for vent switched off.
                          Michael,
                          I'm glad to see news of you, but unhappy that it is not better news. I'm so sorry your marriage is in decay. Mine is too and it can be a source of depression and just feeling very stuck, at times. AB or quad, when things are bad we wonder why we bother to continue.

                          You have been in my thoughts from time to time because what you share about your life and thoughts has made a real difference to me.

                          Tetra

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Tetracyclone View Post
                            Michael,
                            I'm glad to see news of you, but unhappy that it is not better news. I'm so sorry your marriage is in decay. Mine is too and it can be a source of depression and just feeling very stuck, at times. AB or quad, when things are bad we wonder why we bother to continue.

                            You have been in my thoughts from time to time because what you share about your life and thoughts has made a real difference to me.

                            Tetra
                            We can only control our own lives and no matter how much I want to keep it together I can't make someone else stay. So limited in what I can do and I understand her frustration and unable to change things. A problem for anyone with an SCI but worse for a high level quad when you can't even touch your partner. I'm not depressed just realistic, can't envisage a life alone. I hope that you manage to work it out.

                            Getting the green light to switch the vent off has really helped, I thought that I would have to go to Switzerland which was a logistical nightmare. I'm now a lot more comfortable knowing that I have control, it has helped me a lot. I'd still prefer my body to make the decision but it keeps fighting, all the data says that I should have had a ventilator associated pneumonia by now and I haven't had a mild chest infection.

                            We'll see where it goes but just knowing that I can end it makes things so much easier mentally, I'm lucky to have that option.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I'm stubborn and don't want this SCI to win.
                              "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and other people may not be able to tell the difference."

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