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  • When is enough truly enough?

    When is enough truly enough?
    is 16 years of living with this shit truly enough so that I need not Feel guilty activating the ejector Button? I guess it is like everything else when the bad Exceeds the good then the question answers itself .
    I can?t say post sci Life hasn?t been miserable. For a while I was waiting around for the miracle cure to happen until I realized how ludicrous that was. Eking out even the simplest and most spartan life Becomes too Undignifying , Humiliating and pathetic. But then again this is the Life forum I should not write such things here unfortunately I have no place else to vent. if I don?t wake up tomorrow it might just be a good thing.

  • #2
    I've been going through that dilemma for a long time. Prevented from having my vent switched off 6 months post I've tried to make a life instead of existence, had to finish in my old job so started my own business, 4 years later still working, got an off road wheelchair so I can get out in the mountains and get away to events with friends but none of that gives me the pleasure that I had pre accident. Struggle to keep a relationship with my wife and we live almost separate lives, sorry she has a life, I exist. Had pressure sore problems which mean I can't plan anything, months in bed bored. Body temperature problems, rarely get to 35?c so hate going outside other than summer. Always have a carer with me so never alone. There are few, if any, pleasures just memories of what used to give me pleasure and I can no longer do.

    I joined Lifecircle in Switzerland planning on an assisted suicide but whilst discussing my advance directives I was told that I could withdraw medical treatment ie switch vent off. I'm now in the process of sorting exactly how we will do it, vent team have explained what will happen and I now need Palliative Care to explain the pain relief/sedation and I will then be in a position where I can exit. Getting this far has helped me a lot, if I think about exiting I know that I can make it happen, I've got control which I haven't had before which really helps. I'd initially planned on doing it at the end of summer but now just think one more month, one more month and live like that. I know that won't go on forever and the frustration of being like this will eventually take over.

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    • #3
      I'm sorry to hear you post stuff like that. None of us should ever have to feel that way. The thing is, nobody can tell you how to feel.
      Maybe ask yourself "Would I rather put up with this shithole of a life, and enjoy the few things that I can, or would I rather have nothing?". Nothing is nothing; is that really better?
      I hope you find solace. Some way.
      Rollin' since '89. Complete C8

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Tim C. View Post
        When is enough truly enough?
        is 16 years of living with this shit truly enough so that I need not Feel guilty activating the ejector Button? I guess it is like everything else when the bad Exceeds the good then the question answers itself .
        I can?t say post sci Life hasn?t been miserable. For a while I was waiting around for the miracle cure to happen until I realized how ludicrous that was. Eking out even the simplest and most spartan life Becomes too Undignifying , Humiliating and pathetic. But then again this is the Life forum I should not write such things here unfortunately I have no place else to vent. if I don?t wake up tomorrow it might just be a good thing.
        I read your post (a few times) last night just as I was about to go to bed. I wanted to respond not so much with answers (which I don't have) but to let you know that I hear you. The feelings and fears you shared will catch up with all of us -- disabled and nondisabled -- eventually. As a culture we are woefully underdeveloped when it comes to when and how to end our lives. There are presently 3 elderly persons in my relative orbit who have dementia and are essentially slowly rotting away toward death. None has even the remotest chance of reclaiming what any rational-minded person would call a life worth living. And yet there is no societally sanctioned way of ending their lives before natural causes bring down the curtain.

        I am presently enjoying a good quality of life but I know that it will inevitably come to an end and that my disability might accelerate that eventuality at anytime. I would not wish to simply linger and would like to have mindful agency over bringing my life to a peaceful and quick end when *I* deem that time has arrived.

        What you describe as "venting" is a conversation that needs to be had in a merciful, non-judgmental way.
        stephen@bike-on.com

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        • #5
          Couldn’t have said it better Stephen.

          It ends when YOU WANT IT TO.

          I’m on the cusp of this, myself. Losing (lost?) function in my right hand as well as other troubles. I know I could get a doctor to say yes to death with dignity at this point.
          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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          • #6
            Originally posted by stephen212 View Post
            I read your post (a few times) last night just as I was about to go to bed. I wanted to respond not so much with answers (which I don't have) but to let you know that I hear you. The feelings and fears you shared will catch up with all of us -- disabled and nondisabled -- eventually. As a culture we are woefully underdeveloped when it comes to when and how to end our lives. There are presently 3 elderly persons in my relative orbit who have dementia and are essentially slowly rotting away toward death. None has even the remotest chance of reclaiming what any rational-minded person would call a life worth living. And yet there is no societally sanctioned way of ending their lives before natural causes bring down the curtain.

            I am presently enjoying a good quality of life but I know that it will inevitably come to an end and that my disability might accelerate that eventuality at anytime. I would not wish to simply linger and would like to have mindful agency over bringing my life to a peaceful and quick end when *I* deem that time has arrived.

            What you describe as "venting" is a conversation that needs to be had in a merciful, non-judgmental way.
            agree with this 100%. ive been at this 31 years now, we should all have a "choice" when we are ready. best to you Tim!!
            Bike-on.com rep
            John@bike-on.com
            c4/5 inc funtioning c6. 28 yrs post.
            sponsored handcycle racer

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            • #7
              You've got to ask yourself though what is better, what you have now or nothing. I'm of the opinion there is just nothing after death. Think about it, the spinal cord is a extension of the brain and when we injure the spinal cord at least in the case of a complete injury, there is just nothing below it. No movement or sensation. So to me it makes sense that when the brain dies there is just nothing. I decided this early on in my Injury 37 years ago, what is better, what I have now or nothing? So try your best to make something out of what you have is the best advice I can think of, I know it ain't easy but there are so many things out there to get involved with and that you still can do. Get through this thing Tim, you can do it.
              "Life is about how you
              respond to not only the
              challenges you're dealt but
              the challenges you seek...If
              you have no goals, no
              mountains to climb, your
              soul dies".~Liz Fordred

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              • #8
                I feel you Tim. I'm tired as well. I'm tired of the pressure sores, I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the constant hospitaliztions, and the surgeries, and the infections, and everything else. I cannot live a life. I have tried so hard to create a life for myself post-injury. Hell, it's one that "inspires" people, but no one understands the mental beat down that happens when it's one thing after another. They just see a fit looking young man with a smile that's as fake but convincing as ever.

                I get maybe 45 days between one thing or another. Now it's another pressure sore, directly after a pain pump implant that has made my nerve pain worse. I just want out, I've had enough.

                I cannot work towards a goal when life does everything in its damn power to taunt me. I'm going to start the process with Dignitas. I want the choice, I deserve at least that.

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                • #9
                  I think this is a struggle everyone goes through, even if you're 'lucky' to end up a high functioning independent para... what is is simply not what was. I'm 27 yrs in. There's a lot of moments in life, experiences, etc I've lost out on due to SCI. No doubt. And when I look at those it depresses the hell out of me. I've talked about it in other threads on multiple occasions. And I guess we all have to make our personal calls of what is 'enough'... but the thing is I agree with Curt... there's nothing after this life... when the lights go out it's done permanently. So you kind of have to really think hard are you just wanting to escape frustration without really grasping it's not escaping that, it's ending it all. You won't know 'relief' of frustration, you'll just cease in every way. There's a lot of life that frustrates me... as a C5/6 quad who used to be big time athletic outdoorsy active etc there's a lotta frustration. But there's also moments that make me forget that... and when I think of the times the tunnel felt really long and dark with no light at the end having hung in and experienced some 'stops' along the way with light and found something bright to chase in the distance you gotta hold out, hang in, and find hope. I found a great beautiful girl who I have no idea why wants to be with me... and maybe she won't be around forever who knows... but if I hadn't hung in there I'd never have experienced finding her and having this potential for happiness. Don't live life living for a cure... live life because there are great experiences to be had that you need to try and experience any chance you can find. Yah, they'll be a lotta shit, but they'll be good too along the way. If you don't buy a lotto ticket you can't win the jackpot... so don't throw your ticket away...

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                  • #10
                    I generally believe that if a person asks if they have suffered enough, probably not. I expect whenI am ready to check out I will be quite certain about it and tell only those I want to say goodbye to.

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                    • #11
                      I hear you but really think about it. I was ready to take my life 12 or so years ago, it was before my accident. My bipolar depression was difficult. Now I am so glad I did not. Granted now I am only a para verses a quad. I am not sure where I would be mentally if I was a quad. Talk with your family so they know where you are at emotionally and mentally. Don't just do this alone. I saw the movie me before you which played out what sounds like where you are at. Really determine if there is no reason to keep living. Don't be afraid to share and vent here. We all will be here if you need someone to talk with, we may not have answers you need but we can be your friend.

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                      • #12
                        There is life after death. Both my dad and mom came back to show me. Your soul is set free.
                        Art

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                        • #13
                          Unfortunately so far, it's the only cure for paralysis.
                          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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                          • #14
                            Will be for our lives at least. The world wont last long enough for a cure anyway.
                            Art

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                            • #15
                              I want to put some information or, good words to try to bring you out of this intense funk but, I just can't. Only you can come up with the right decision for your particular situation. I do hope that you use the 24 hour hold theory. If you feel there is just no other way and, you want to end it, sleep on it and, after 24 hours, see how you feel about it then.
                              I refuse to tip toe through life, only to arrive safely at death.

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