In a really bad place right now

[Jade2]

I?m not feeling well at all right now, I?ve been so stressed all 5ese months and I don?t know how to cope. I thought maybe posting something here someone could tell me some words of encouragement cause I feel I?m at the end of the rope

sorry for being such a mess, there are people who are way worse off than me and yet I can?t cope with my situation

[Bonnette]

Hi Jade, I was thinking about you because your doctor appointment is next week - and then came here and saw your post. What's going on?

[Jade2]

Hey Bonnette,

i feel so freaking lonely right now. I am at home by myself cause I don’t have a job at the moment, and I know no one else in real life who is going through this, and my friends try to be supportive but I feel like they don’t get what it is like sometimes to have issues with your spine and your body turning on you every minute of every day.

I’m trying to help myself any way I can, I am going to psycho therapy and also physiotherapy and I’m trying to study for my computer science course which I used to love so much. I do the physio exercises every day and I go for a walk every time the sun comes out, but I feel like I’m losing this battle. And I can’t lose it cause then what will happen to my boyfriend if I give up. I can’t do this to him. But at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to my inner strenngth.

i went to the second session of this trauma releasing exercise thing yesterday, which is an exercise in which you over tire some muscles and then start trembling and that releases long held tension that the body stores when trauma happens, or so is the rationale anyway. But maybe this has also stirred some feelings to come up that are really not pleasant.

if I had a supportive family maybe, I don’t know. My boyfriend does what he can but he’s one guy only, and he has to work now for the both of us and I am just a dead weight. I am crying so much while writing this and I feel like a complete failure, oh my god. All I can think of is how did life become this bad. Last year I was travelling the world and now I am basically a live corpse.

[Bonnette]

Jade, how awful. This is truly a dark night of the soul, and my gut tells me that nothing outsiders say can substantially affect it - in Jung's words, "the only way out is through." This is a personal crisis of near-heroic dimensions, and it is as if you were alone in the desert with no map: you can only trust your instincts and the wisdom that has brought you this far in life; generic encouragement fails to satisfy. If I said more, it would sound like bullshit. I am glad that you are in physio and psychotherapy, as the two can work hand-in-hand - but an able-bodied therapist can make you feel more alone than ever, so don't feel stuck with someone who isn't helping you - look elsewhere, if that is the case. Your dilemma is part of your boyfriend's life lessons, and how he meets it is up to him. You must focus on your own mind and body. It would help if you had a definite diagnosis that you could grapple with, and I am hoping your doctor can at least afford you that insight next week.

[Jade2]

I just had a massive dissociative episode right now , I started feeling numb from the neck down and a lot of tingling, like there was electric current going through me. I managed to call some friends, who gave me directions to make the episode stop. I’ve had dissociative symptoms before but never of this magnitude! I’m glad I survived that, I was about to pass out!

yes my therapist pissed me off majorly the other time, when I told her I read some scientific papers on spinal cord injury and possible treatments she looked at me with this “oh my god” face and asked me “why?”

And im like, what do you mean why???? Because I don’t want to be stuck like 5is all my life! People whose spine is fine will never be able to understand, but it reallly pissises me off when they act so patronising.

Bonnette, I am so glad you replied, sometimes I really need someone with understanding to just stay with me in the moment, so that I don’t go completely mad..

I’m preparing for the doctors appointment next week like im about to go to war. I won’t leave the place until they tell me exactly what’s going on and if there is more going than just that stupid cyst. Which I think there is, cause when I do my exercises and move my lumbar spine my symptoms change/get better, but only temporarily.

[Bonnette]

I’m preparing for the doctors appointment next week like im about to go to war. I won’t leave the place until they tell me exactly what’s going on and if there is more going than just that stupid cyst. Which I think there is, cause when I do my exercises and move my lumbar spine my symptoms change/get better, but only temporarily.

This is excellent, I support you 100%. If they can't satisfactorily answer your question, demand that they either pursue further diagnostic measures, or direct you to someone who can better help you. Full-on warrior mode gets attention, as well it should.

That dissociative episode must have been horrifying. I'm very impressed that you have friends who could tell you how to make it stop - those are the real therapists, how wonderful that you have such people in your life!

[Jade2]

Heheh it helps that two of them are psychologists and one is an occupational therapist

[Jade2]

But yes, they are good friends, and trying their best. Man I really whish we could science the shit out of this problem and be done with it. Pardon my French.

[Bonnette]

Man I really whish we could science the shit out of this problem and be done with it. Pardon my French.

Amen to that, no French-pardoning necessary!

[Bonnette]

Jade, I've got to ask...how do your friends recommend making a dissociative episodes stop? I still have moments of absolute terror, these many years on.

[Jade2]

Jade, I've got to ask...how do your friends recommend making a dissociative episodes stop? I still have moments of absolute terror, these many years on.

Hey Bonnette!

so what they said was, take one deep breath, then wash your face with really cold water. Then, drink a glasss of anther really cold water or a fizzy drink, like coke. This is because the immediate sensation of cold and/or the bubbles of the drink are very grounding feelings.

Another thing to to do is keep a very strong perfume bottle and smell that, even if it hurts your nose. Basically anything you can do to yank yourself out of that moment of terror and ground you in the here and now.

anither milder technique is to try and find for example x amount or red objects in the room, x+1 blue ones, x+2 yellow ones, etc. These techniques work pretty well for me at least

really sorry you are having these moments as well, I wouldn’t wish them on anyone, let alone on someone nice like you

[triumph]

Sorry to hear you are in such emotional pain. You seem to have the right instincts about continuing daily exercise and getting outdoors. Also, so important you are reaching out like here at CareCure, and also with your friends to talk about what you are experiencing. Hoping you begin to feel better as time goes on and you can enjoy again the things you have enjoyed before.

[Jade2]

Sorry to hear you are in such emotional pain. You seem to have the right instincts about continuing daily exercise and getting outdoors. Also, so important you are reaching out like here at CareCure, and also with your friends to talk about what you are experiencing. Hoping you begin to feel better as time goes on and you can enjoy again the things you have enjoyed before.

Thanks, I hope I get out of this ordeal alive really. I never thought my life would end up like this, I feel pretty unhinged at the moment. I have always been an optimist at heart, but this spinal cord thing I just can’t deal with.

[Bonnette]

Thank you very much for passing on those techniques, Jade - I've copied them down and will try them. My moments of terror come when I've been dwelling on things that haven't happened, but almost certainly will (especially in view of being older). That's a deep rabbit hole, best to avoid it in the first place - but sometimes I pitch myself right in.

[Jade2]

Thank you very much for passing on those techniques, Jade - I've copied them down and will try them. My moments of terror come when I've been dwelling on things that haven't happened, but almost certainly will (especially in view of being older). That's a deep rabbit hole, best to avoid it in the first place - but sometimes I pitch myself right in.

Oh yeah, I totally get that! It’s hard not to dwell on stuff like that, and I can’t say I have found a way to not do it. Maybe when I watch tv series that helps, but it is momentary. Anyway I got in touch with my friend, and she is gonna send me a sheet with recommendations on what to do when having moments of terror/dissociation and stuff like that, and I’ll post them here!