Just back from seeing the doctor and having some x-rays, will be having an ultrasound in a few weeks. What I can't figure is, why am I scared?
I thought I was the battle hardened patient. Stick anything you want in me, take anything out. I've been through so much I really thought I was used to anything. But maybe it's been too long since I was in the rotation and lost my skills because I was scared today.
Doctor doesn't like it that I am peeing blood. She says not to worry but she wants to check some things out.
I've always felt like the one person in the waiting room who couldn't be surprised by anything and had seen it all. Tryand impress me. Puleeze. I remember all the drugs, tried a ton. Even that lovely Bextra that I didn't like and was taken off the market a few months later because it was killing people. Feldene, Flexeril, amyltryptaline, Neurontin just to start the list. Giant enemas, caths, lotions potions and heck there may have been an incantation or two. Naked in front of groups of interns and every specialist. None of this bothered me. Just used to it. Lifew was life. But am I out of practice because today scared me pretty good.
She says my bloodwork is excellent but .. she doesn't like the blood in my pee. She has kidney questions and a few others. Why do I care? What could I possibly be afraid of? In the past more than half the time I did wish it was something serious, fuck it. But now it's like I lift my head up more, I notice the sky, the clouds. Am I enjoying life now and not buried in depression that so wonderfully insulated me against anything? It does you know. So do I care now?
20 years using a chair (not SCI) and it was just this last year that I finally accepted it. It just was suddenly fine. I saw the rest of my life with a chair and it didn't even seem worth a thought. Did that change bring with it something else, like I am no longer buried inside myself and now I do want to live and do everything I've forgotten about for so long? Geez, does this mean that from now on I do care what the doctor says and, what the test means? I kind of liked the not caring but then again ..
I guess this stuff doesn't get easy. You get what you want and it comes with it's own surprises. I was so mad that I stopped caring about anything, myself most of all. Then I felt better about all of it and suddenly I really do care about what's happening. Geez psyche, make up your mind.
I thought I was the battle hardened patient. Stick anything you want in me, take anything out. I've been through so much I really thought I was used to anything. But maybe it's been too long since I was in the rotation and lost my skills because I was scared today.
Doctor doesn't like it that I am peeing blood. She says not to worry but she wants to check some things out.
I've always felt like the one person in the waiting room who couldn't be surprised by anything and had seen it all. Tryand impress me. Puleeze. I remember all the drugs, tried a ton. Even that lovely Bextra that I didn't like and was taken off the market a few months later because it was killing people. Feldene, Flexeril, amyltryptaline, Neurontin just to start the list. Giant enemas, caths, lotions potions and heck there may have been an incantation or two. Naked in front of groups of interns and every specialist. None of this bothered me. Just used to it. Lifew was life. But am I out of practice because today scared me pretty good.
She says my bloodwork is excellent but .. she doesn't like the blood in my pee. She has kidney questions and a few others. Why do I care? What could I possibly be afraid of? In the past more than half the time I did wish it was something serious, fuck it. But now it's like I lift my head up more, I notice the sky, the clouds. Am I enjoying life now and not buried in depression that so wonderfully insulated me against anything? It does you know. So do I care now?
20 years using a chair (not SCI) and it was just this last year that I finally accepted it. It just was suddenly fine. I saw the rest of my life with a chair and it didn't even seem worth a thought. Did that change bring with it something else, like I am no longer buried inside myself and now I do want to live and do everything I've forgotten about for so long? Geez, does this mean that from now on I do care what the doctor says and, what the test means? I kind of liked the not caring but then again ..
I guess this stuff doesn't get easy. You get what you want and it comes with it's own surprises. I was so mad that I stopped caring about anything, myself most of all. Then I felt better about all of it and suddenly I really do care about what's happening. Geez psyche, make up your mind.
Comment