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how can i deal with the anger ugly rant

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  • how can i deal with the anger ugly rant

    This may/may not resonate with some here dependent upon circumstance. If you don't know me, SCI, fully elaborated Central Pain, totally screwed nerves, net a clusterfuck. Should say I worked in covert ops and disappeared for long lengths of time but when retired from field work really dealt with all my family and thought things had been sorted, really seemed so.

    Can't sit, walk, lie down pain at 10 all the time. Can't even count the surgeries 3 since last November, putting me back together, taking shrapnel out.

    I walk a few hundred yards spaz, fall down, if bad pain lose bladder and puke. Wheels were suggested but I can't fucking sit!!!

    Shrink, Pain Doc, Nuerologist, Psychiatrist, Spiritual Counselor, PT til insurance says wtf he can't get better then the denial, I have honestly and truly done my part to be the very best I can.

    A number of years ago I attempted suicide, Interventions, blah blah blah. for a number of reasons I'm here and wll continue for the time being now the rant:

    You think any of them see me now. 8 fucking brothers, my last "friend" ditched me the last 3 times and hasn't returned an email in 6 weeks save 1 "busy back to you soon" guess that's the last of them.

    Mom in the hospital doing poorly, 87 nobody bothered to call, when they did ( a brother ) said not sure why I'm really calling, you haven't seen her in 2 years, the same one who actually said listen your life sucks, you're fucked mine isn't. the other 7 haven't called in years 2 drove through my town on the highway, 4 miles away, couldn't be bothered.

    I could go on. I know severe pain (CP and my spasticity) cause anger issues. but WTF

    so my life is making coffee for my wife who has a life and does include me sometimes and has not abandoned me but repulsed by the spaz etc and patchwork quilt I've become, cleaning the dishwasher, cooking and cleaning dinner when able. On bad days I can't even read and understand. work from home job and had my pay cut by 1/3 despite landing the 3rd largest account in the global company, said you're not pulling your weight. they cover a portion of my health ins and know I can't get another job nor afford to lose this one. A foreign company so no real recourse.

    Tip of the iceberg but no more is necessary and already committing this to writing is upping the pain.

    I am feeling so angry and bitter I am shaking and all it does is make the pain and spasms worse. While a rant it is reality and I truly am asking for help/ideas, please don't be trite.



  • #2

    I know that it seems nearly impossible to have a positive outlook when the pain is unrelenting, but fear and anger have been shown to make neuropathic pain worse. I spent a lot of my time during the first 5 years in a chair trying to get rid of the pain, and finally found something that worked. Unfortunately, it was phenobarbital IV drip administered in a clinical setting by Dr. Christine Sang (, and impossible to maintain. A few weeks later I realized that I was letting the pain rule my life by thinking about it all of the time. I am fortunate that I found that 50 mg of Tramadol 3x daily takes the sharpest edge off my pain, and as long as I can stay busy doing things that I enjoy, I can ignore the pain. It never goes away, but it is no longer rules my life.

    I don't know if you have seen this (and a couple of others by the same guy), but it has helped me to understand what pain is and isn't: I think if you emailed him (, he would try to address some of your specific issues.

    Hope you didn't find this to be trite,

    Don - Grad Student Emeritus
    T3 ASIA A 26 years post injury


    • #3
      no Don not trite, thanks for the thought and i will derinitely look into it. trid john kabot-zinn mindfullnes and many things and will look into this, different strokes, have had some pray and God will take care of you. I have faith but do not buy into that simpleton view.

      yesterday while trying to find sme sense of self i saw i sent a sceenshot for your computr, think you had a donno notation did you ever put it up for a while.

      kindly, ket


      • #4
        Ket, It was the Japanese dogwood. I kept as my background pic until I upgraded to Windoze 8.
        Don - Grad Student Emeritus
        T3 ASIA A 26 years post injury