Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Suicide

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Suicide

    I finally started to talk to a shrink, at the request of a friend. It's not going to change my situation so I don't believe it's going to help me but whatever. I'll get right to it! I want to die! I can't go back to boxing, kickboxing, weightlifting, powerlifting, wrestling, BJJ that was my life that's what gave me purpose, my dreams are gone. I can't have/ feel sex at all there's no sensation what so ever it's pointless. I can't stand asking for everything anymore, I can take asking for food, water, iPads, TV, get in bed, get me out of bed etc ive come to realize that my entire life revolves around what others will do for me not what I do for myself. Adaptive equipment, OTs, physiotherapy it only does so much, in the end ill always need someone's help. I can't stand the indignity of people playing with me ass for bowel care, and shoving tubes down my dick every 4 hours. I'm 22 and developed a resistance to most antibiotics with the same constant bug that's colonized my bladder, I have osteoporosis, and a big Synrix. My friends have come back from school and stop by every now, but before this it was nine months of nothing except physiotherapy it was and is all I had or have soon I won't be able to afford it, especially if I adopt a house. My best friend called me the other day he was at lone Star have a good time (while I sit in my tv room like always), he told me how one of our friends is screwing the girl I liked and was talking to before my injury. Was heading to West Point to go surfing, then offered if I wanted to go to the hayloft Saturday night (really popular county bar it was their opener) it's a barn there would be thousands of people shoulder to shoulder, realistically I could go because it's too crowded and rugged. But either way I had to stay home because of ics. When we hung up I instantly broke to tears. Even when I go out its but but did not say. Drinking you worry about your bladder and accidents. Contents and bars you want to jump, dance, roll, throw your arms etc. Girls Jump on me in my chair but I feel nothing it's almost like torture. Once the night is done I have to go back to my hospital bed there's no more roaming the streets, going to girls houses, or crashing at my buddies place going where the wind takes you the real fun. Once it's done , the party's over first time in months I feel young again and experience a little bit of Joy, and company of my young friend. I wake up alone, night beg on back in hell they go back to their activities and lives, job etc but they see each other at least once a day for some reason or another I don't anymore, it's not like when I jumped in my car do what I got to do stop by my buddies then head back home on a Monday that's gone.

    Bo Ho right Anyways I told my doctor when she asks, the only reason I'm alive is I can't physically kill my self. But now with the shrink my friend says watch what you say. They can't put me in ward for wanting to die because I'm crippled from the neck down right? I mean if assisted suicide was legal which it will be soon I'd be the first one in line, then it would be perfectly acceptable. It's perfectly reasonable and rational to want to die after this, I'm not happy I survive life clinged to me like a disease. When I was launched out the window i realized what had happened, new right away i was paralyzed and when they found me I said let me die! Once in the hospital throughout my stay three times I said let me die. It had no result they made the choice for me, it bothers me greatly that nobody including doctors, friends or family ever asked "James do you want to live the rest of your life like this" no they just assumed that I'd rather live in a chair in pain, go throw hell and undignified procedures to live miss out on so much and lose so much, rather then Face the unknown. Now it's like I have a moral obligation to live (suffer).

    #2
    I have no answers and you can be committed for saying thigs like that to a doc. DO you have a DNR (do Not Resucitate) a no extraordinary measures doc. lastly, you've been here before with this, many of us share your desire. are you seeing a shrink or paying lip service. are you taking anti depressants. you can't say let me die you need the certified, notarized (in CT) paperwork

    I am sorry for your situation, trust me I know how you feel I starte 2 of the most controversial topics on the board over it polarizing some of the members etc. but yours still seems a knee jerk reaction.

    I cry ervry ntie every morning, spasm all nite, scream, unimaginable pain. Do you think you are the only one here who has lost everything? It is not for me to judge but I think you are not even trying to talk to the shrinks or help yourself as best able. I've had worse said to me here so sorry if I come off a bit testy.

    and if hell bent go to Oregon

    sadly, ket

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by JamesMcM View Post
      It's perfectly reasonable and rational to want to die after this, I'm not happy I survive life clinged to me like a disease.
      I'm not sure if you're trying to convince yourself or us. I'm sorry you're suffering. If you could only get yourself around others like you to see how they make do. Good luck.
      Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

      T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

      Comment


        #4
        I'm just writing garbage, venting aka whining basically! Pay no attention to that. My main point is the question about the ward nonsense, it doesn't make sense to me it's not illegal to kill yourself. I'm not taking anti depressant I don't believe in them, it can't change any of the many things that make me miserable or more importantly give us back our freedom.

        Kitty I'm past the point of arguing to justify myself, but why is everyone jumps at someone in misery as if they thing they're the only ones to lost everything, I digress as I said pay no a attention to my sicken rabble I simply have had no to talk to about this in 5 days, and a very resentful father for being a burden. Let me ask you this do you think your the only one with spasms, crying at night only to hide it, or else be yelled at and insult for mourning something "that's not a big deal, begging for death every night, begging to be killed by something you don't believe in out of desperation, dreams become better then life an escape, only to wake up and almost cry your back, blah blah. Yes I'm very aware. DNR filled, will done, diginas membership sent (does Oregon offer same services?) No I'm not trying with a shrink, how can whining once a week with some random guy take away the constant mental, physical agony of living as a quad. I'm ready to chew my useless dead hand off, the inability to feel and interact fully and freely with this world. I can't even care about my deteriorating urology system anymore other then the relentless un ignorable pain it causes.

        This forum is all to familiar with suicide. I dismiss loath this deplorable blight on humanity that is Paralysis, I'm bias to SCI of course. That's why I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for my large settlement so I can leave it to SCI research. Sadly I've made a bad selection with lawyers I don't know how much longer I can go, I'm grinding my teeth lately trying to do as much as my crippled self can to preoccupied myself but this fucking injury suck joy and excitement out of everything for me. I've made my decision within seconds to not live as a quadriplegic with little understanding of the full implications. I had a horrific assumption but life experience quickly surpassed even my worst thoughts.

        Comment


          #5
          Thank you lynifer i now fully understand how others make do some do more then others, but none interest me as something for my self The "big ones" that we all have to live without and with are enough to make me see no purpose or point. Never fighting again is just very thick icing on top of the cake.

          we all know what I'm mean about the "big ones" some mean more to others.

          Comment


            #6
            CAnt imagine being in your place either, sorry for ya. I believe it should be ones choice also

            Comment


              #7
              Sorry James. Whether it helps or not to hear it, you're not alone in this nightmare bizarro life of being dependent. I think you know by now that dying as a quad would actually be frightfully easy.

              This isn't the fight you wanted, but it's the fight you got.

              Comment


                #8
                Thanks man. But it's not a fight it's a stalemate.

                Comment


                  #9
                  OK, then try - "This is not the life you wanted, but it is the life you got."
                  Last edited by Donno; 20 May 2014, 12:48 AM.
                  Don - Grad Student Emeritus
                  T3 ASIA A 27 years post injury

                  Comment


                    #10
                    James, you have options both for life and for death which you are just avoiding. Either way you choose to go, you would be well served to man up. Stop dwelling on excuses and get down to business. Live. Die. Whatever. Life is hard. Even harder when you're obsessed with whining about it. You have the power to change. One way, or the other. Stop making excuses. You'd be happier, or gone. Win, win. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to not mince words. Good luck.
                    "I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it." - Edgar Allen Poe

                    "If you only know your side of an issue, you know nothing." -John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by JamesMcM View Post
                      Thanks man. But it's not a fight it's a stalemate.
                      It's the fight of your life for your life and for the rest of your life. I hope you win the championship bout.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        All I'm saying is there's no conflict, it's just a matter of accepting boredom and help among other things but it's all just acceptance there's no constant exchange of attacks or abuse. Like for example today is a beautiful sunny day, everyone's outside doing things right now, families out and about, but I trapped in my TV room. It's not a battle of any kind it's just sitting here wishing I was outside, whatever all I could do is sit in the sun anyways. Just get bored of an iPad though!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          What level are you James? It'd help to know so others at your level can give you ideas on how to keep yourself busy.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            James, you sound a lot like me. I'm c5 and can move arms and wiggle 1 wrist but nothing else. But up until April 01/1977 I was an outdoors type who always had a smile on my face even though things at home were not that fun. Broke my neck diving into shallow water. Did that dive from that dock 1000 times. So on a full moon at midnight on April fools day I decided I would liven up the 50 or so friends (who I just shut down the bar with )by taking off all my clothes and taking a swim at a friends cabin on lake WALK In Water." Well, at least I put some pizzazz in the party. I saw the -The Light- and it was warm and peaceful. I felt as though I was sinking into it and it was great. But I heard myself saying no it's not time and some how I rolled over and soon waves were passing over my head. I was an A+ swimmer and could swim long distances or great depths under water. My friends keep calling for me to quit playing and get up as I was floating on my back (which I could do for ever). I would wait until a wave would pass over my head then try to holler I'm Not Playing. Soon they realized I was serious and the rest is history. Things were not great at home as my father became mentally ill. He was the best father anyone could have. We hunted, fished, water skied, scuba dived, built rail dune buggies, and other stuff every weekend. I was working on a ranch when this happened. Point is, like you I was a doer not a couch potato. My father started getting sick about 1 year after getting electrocuted at CFI a giant phosphate company. At 12 years old I would fight with my father to get the gun from him so he would not shoot the whole family. Point is I felt like I was the care taker for the family. When I broke my neck my father was in a mental hospital for a week. That meant I had know responsibilities and could blow off some steam. A F or F weekend (*uck or Fight). When I came home from rehab things were the same. Had to change from physical confrontations to mental to talk my father from doing bad. I got good at it and it worked. Funny thing is he died Feb 04/1983 from cancer - Feb 4 was his birthday. If, If, If I could have held out a little longer what would things be like. I dropped out of sports which I was great at and people wonder why. It was my families secret. wrestling, football, baseball, and all. So I basically I to put others (2 sisters, 2 brothers, and mother) needs ahead of mine. After my father died I thought I'm no no longer needed so why not kill myself. My brother was 11 years younger and needed guidance and my sisters needed someone to put the fear of God into their boyfriends. I had purpose and was in good shape for the shape I'm in. For 30 years I had good health. Last 6 years I have a sore that will not heal. I am a Florida summer guy and if it does not get done there is a 51% to 49% I will be gone. There is life and there is quality of life. You are young. Don't hastily make that do or die decision. I have plans for things left to do so I am not ready to go but when I do decide I will not hastily do it or advertise it. There are no do overs. Today I would end it but tomorrow I might feel different. I want to do some volunteer work in Belize, visit a cousin in Hawaii, so I am not giving up yet. Think of the things you can do as opposed to the things you can't. I'm not trying to talk you out of killing yourself but saying make sure you are ready. Friends can be overrated. After about 2 years of being a gimp friends were coming over and partied like nothing happened. I ran them off as I needed to get back to normalcy. If you had not gotten hurt you and your friends would have drifted apart. It's growing up. Things change. Not all changes stem from your accident. It's life, jobs, family, children, etc.

                            Just things to think about. Tired of typing. donnie

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Thanks for that man, like I said I am past the point of justifying it or to make sense of my decision I just see no reasonable life for me after severe paralysis like this, so I don't have much more to say but thanks for sharing.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X