I finally started to talk to a shrink, at the request of a friend. It's not going to change my situation so I don't believe it's going to help me but whatever. I'll get right to it! I want to die! I can't go back to boxing, kickboxing, weightlifting, powerlifting, wrestling, BJJ that was my life that's what gave me purpose, my dreams are gone. I can't have/ feel sex at all there's no sensation what so ever it's pointless. I can't stand asking for everything anymore, I can take asking for food, water, iPads, TV, get in bed, get me out of bed etc ive come to realize that my entire life revolves around what others will do for me not what I do for myself. Adaptive equipment, OTs, physiotherapy it only does so much, in the end ill always need someone's help. I can't stand the indignity of people playing with me ass for bowel care, and shoving tubes down my dick every 4 hours. I'm 22 and developed a resistance to most antibiotics with the same constant bug that's colonized my bladder, I have osteoporosis, and a big Synrix. My friends have come back from school and stop by every now, but before this it was nine months of nothing except physiotherapy it was and is all I had or have soon I won't be able to afford it, especially if I adopt a house. My best friend called me the other day he was at lone Star have a good time (while I sit in my tv room like always), he told me how one of our friends is screwing the girl I liked and was talking to before my injury. Was heading to West Point to go surfing, then offered if I wanted to go to the hayloft Saturday night (really popular county bar it was their opener) it's a barn there would be thousands of people shoulder to shoulder, realistically I could go because it's too crowded and rugged. But either way I had to stay home because of ics. When we hung up I instantly broke to tears. Even when I go out its but but did not say. Drinking you worry about your bladder and accidents. Contents and bars you want to jump, dance, roll, throw your arms etc. Girls Jump on me in my chair but I feel nothing it's almost like torture. Once the night is done I have to go back to my hospital bed there's no more roaming the streets, going to girls houses, or crashing at my buddies place going where the wind takes you the real fun. Once it's done , the party's over first time in months I feel young again and experience a little bit of Joy, and company of my young friend. I wake up alone, night beg on back in hell they go back to their activities and lives, job etc but they see each other at least once a day for some reason or another I don't anymore, it's not like when I jumped in my car do what I got to do stop by my buddies then head back home on a Monday that's gone.
Bo Ho right Anyways I told my doctor when she asks, the only reason I'm alive is I can't physically kill my self. But now with the shrink my friend says watch what you say. They can't put me in ward for wanting to die because I'm crippled from the neck down right? I mean if assisted suicide was legal which it will be soon I'd be the first one in line, then it would be perfectly acceptable. It's perfectly reasonable and rational to want to die after this, I'm not happy I survive life clinged to me like a disease. When I was launched out the window i realized what had happened, new right away i was paralyzed and when they found me I said let me die! Once in the hospital throughout my stay three times I said let me die. It had no result they made the choice for me, it bothers me greatly that nobody including doctors, friends or family ever asked "James do you want to live the rest of your life like this" no they just assumed that I'd rather live in a chair in pain, go throw hell and undignified procedures to live miss out on so much and lose so much, rather then Face the unknown. Now it's like I have a moral obligation to live (suffer).
Bo Ho right Anyways I told my doctor when she asks, the only reason I'm alive is I can't physically kill my self. But now with the shrink my friend says watch what you say. They can't put me in ward for wanting to die because I'm crippled from the neck down right? I mean if assisted suicide was legal which it will be soon I'd be the first one in line, then it would be perfectly acceptable. It's perfectly reasonable and rational to want to die after this, I'm not happy I survive life clinged to me like a disease. When I was launched out the window i realized what had happened, new right away i was paralyzed and when they found me I said let me die! Once in the hospital throughout my stay three times I said let me die. It had no result they made the choice for me, it bothers me greatly that nobody including doctors, friends or family ever asked "James do you want to live the rest of your life like this" no they just assumed that I'd rather live in a chair in pain, go throw hell and undignified procedures to live miss out on so much and lose so much, rather then Face the unknown. Now it's like I have a moral obligation to live (suffer).
Comment