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I live, angry.

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  • I live, angry.

    I just caught myself from commenting in a rather negative way to a thread in another forum category that ultimately would have been fucked up of me to do so. I mean the guy probably worked real hard to prepare this project thing and for lack of his posted topic line not catching my eye at that instant in time, I would otherwise never have reason to be in this forum to begin with. I started out responding to his thread by ranting:
    'Might as well publish "Dancing With The Paras", or "Quadriplegic Model Building", and then continued ranting, probably making the guy feel that much worse for something I'm sure he thought he was doing to be positive. What a jerk I can be. It's not my fault, it's what my SCI does to me.
    I live, angry.
    Afterwards, I sought pity by writing: 'Sorry, you caught me at an off moment, the kind of moment I fucking hate being part of this elite club we're in of SCI, please forgive my intrusion post."
    Well nice, on that note I'd sure grant me absolution, wouldn't you? Crazy, I've been guilty of off-color remarks before. At least this time, in the last second before I was about to post I thought the better of it. I probably would have received a nasty note from the moderator. I suppose that in and of itself is an improvement.
    What do you expect from someone who chats to a small monkey all day?

  • #2
    nothing

    i think we all understand, are all angry at some level that varies by day, and shit on the only folks who get it. But they do get it and that is the point.

    So i don't think anyone thinks anything.

    Not sure this makes sense, but I have come to believe that 12 years of pain and SCI has driven me mad. I talk to the walls, and sadly thet talk back

    Ket
    Kindly,

    The Ketamine Kitty

    All the tears, all the pain, all the rage through the night (apolgies to the rewrite) RR

    Next time I die make sure I'm gone,
    don't leave 'em nothing to work on JT

    And I ain't nothin but a dream JM

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    • #3
      i sure understand. i think most of the time i sound like an ass. i'm in pain, yeah...but anyway, i hate to come back here sometimes for that reason. i have no where else to talk but the walls ket refers to. they don't really respond.

      at least ket's walls talk back. mine don't. ket, i know you hurt more than i do. how can i get my walls to talk at 4 am? not kidding. i am going crazy.
      Last edited by cass; 03-11-2013, 06:44 AM.

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      • #4
        Do you guys hurt from nerve pain?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Tim C. View Post
          What do you expect from someone who chats to a small monkey all day?
          That you are highly qualified to run for political office?
          Played with bombs- No SCI, Brain Damage enough that I require a chair and a caregiver.

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          • #6
            I do it all the time. It's easier to lash out at a screen. I've been checked on it. The problem comes up with new people that don't know "our" history on the forums. Vent away.
            Get involved in politics as if your life depended on it, because it does. -- Justin Dart

            I shall not tolerate ignorance or hate speech on this site.

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            • #7
              Yell at us Tim, not the monkey. (I know you don't yell at her)

              We have had a few rough days over here and I'm feeling cynical about life in general. Dave hasn't had a voice and a lot of sleeping so I talk to the bird.

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              • #8
                Depression often manifests as anger, lashing out, irritability... especially in guys.

                It just makes me sad when I see how few people get appropriate help/treatment for this. Including my father....

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                • #9
                  I was soooo angry for so long. I didn't realize it until I saw Dances with wolfs. Wind in Hair says to Kevin Costner: I start everything with anger, then I go from there. I heard myself in that and have worked on it since. Now a buddy of mine has a t-shirt that says: What I lack in skill. I make up for in swearing.

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                  • #10
                    Feeding the Wolf

                    A traditional Native American story describes a boy who was feeling angry and upset at an injustice, who goes to his old Grandfather for advice. The Grandfather tells the boy that he, too has felt these feelings of hate and anger. The Grandfather shares that he has also realized how these feelings have no effect on his enemy, but they do cause him great pain.

                    “It is as if I have two wolves living inside me,” says the Grandfather. “One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.”

                    “But the other wolf,” Grandfather continues, “fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. The smallest thing will send him into a fury. He cannot think because his anger and rage are so great; however for all its fury, his anger changes nothing.

                    “Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

                    The boy looks into his Grandfather’s eyes and asks, “Which one wins, Grandfather?”

                    His grandfather replies, “Whichever one I feed.”


                    Continue reading. . .
                    stephen@bike-on.com

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                    • #11
                      I find myself getting irrationally angry over trivialities sometimes, but mostly I just feel numb to everything. I'm not sure which is worse.

                      Feeding wolves, poking bears...nice as philosophy, but just more Oprah-isms when you have zero ability to release anger physically or do anything as an independent adult.

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                      • #12
                        My jerkoff evening, retired reverend attendant decided he was going to visit kin in Montana for 2 weeks. I only have 2 other PCA's and they work other jobs so can not fill in. I would love to punch this asshole out. We all sure do know angry.
                        C 5/6 Comp.
                        No Tri's or hand function.

                        Far better it is to try mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure. Than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory or defeat.

                        Teddy Roosevelt

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Scaper1 View Post
                          I find myself getting irrationally angry over trivialities sometimes, but mostly I just feel numb to everything. I'm not sure which is worse.

                          Feeding wolves, poking bears...nice as philosophy, but just more Oprah-isms when you have zero ability to release anger physically or do anything as an independent adult.
                          Yes, but no. This fable has come up a lot recently in the meditation group/community that I've been attending. It captures real truth but I concede that it may come across as facile on a message board.
                          stephen@bike-on.com

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