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    Ever since Rusty checked out

    I've had these feeings.
    Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?


      A dog or cat

      makes life worthwhile.
      Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?


        They come and go, but I am not going to do it. I always hope things will be better and I have had some really good times, but usually I am alone, noone to speak to but again, I hope things will be better tomorrow.
        TH 12, 43 years post


          I have put a gun to my head several times in the past few weeks and thought, if it just happens to go off, is it suicide...always with cleaning kit next to me.


            Death is always there waiting for you but after that then what? You only get one chance to live this life, weither it be hell or happy but you might as well stick it out to see what happens.

            I first came to this site to find others who wanted to end their lives and 6 or 7 years later (not keeping track anymore) I'm the happiest person I know (walking or not walking). I remember wishing and telling my dad/aunt that I wish a car would smash into us and kill me. I then was really wanting to end my life but didn't have the guts so I told my mom to help me and she told me she would in 3 years. I gave it 3 years and my life totally changed. I realized if I only had 3 years to live I might as well make the best out of them and went back to school, got a degree, and moved on with my life.

            Life can change for the better even if you feel it will always be hell but you have to wait around and see if it does improve rather than jumping to conclusions. Everyone makes the mistake of thinking they know what the future will hold and if right now sucks, it will always suck but that isn't always the case. Set a time limit for yourself and really try to improve your life with whatever resources you have. Just sitting around waiting for your life to improve won't do anything in fact it will make things much worse.

            You have to forget who you use to be and how easy life was before you injury and move on with who you are now. Life is a struggle but only a struggle.

            If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
            Last edited by mr_coffee; 15 May 2012, 2:04 AM.
            C7/C8, T1 incomplete;

            For stalkers convenience:
            My drawings:


              Who else here is looking at Mr Coffee with a little pride and a little joy?

              Excellent post as always Cory.
              Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

              T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12


                Originally posted by lynnifer View Post
                Who else here is looking at Mr Coffee with a little pride and a little joy?

                Excellent post as always Cory.
                Yeah, you nailed it Mr Coffee!


                  I'm always happy to see a Cory happen. I know it wasn't easy for him and remember his first days here. But I doubt Cory had a long or even a short list of the devastating things life can throw at you to which a SCI was added. He worked his butt off to get to where he is now though and I'm sure a bit of gin along the way didn't hurt. He should take pride in where he is and what he's accomplished.

                  And I always worry about the Bethenys. We have too much in common. Too many loses and too many things to worry might happen to themselves. I fear that if they commit suicide then I might. We just moved and I had to go through my medical family history in a much more progressive medical system than my last. It really hits you then. Mother? Deceased, colon and breast cancer, lost half her stomach to a bleeding ulcer (same as her mother) and schizophrenia. Father? Living, 80, prostate cancer that has not moved or grown since radiation 10 years ago, current, just diagnosed with lung cancer after something showed up on his yearly CT scan to track his abdominal aortic aneuresym. Had 5 high dose radiation treatments to kill it because he has a gortex hose in his chest to his double femoral bypass due to claudification. (Follow up CT to see if the 5 hits worked is next week..please be gone.) Siblings? Younger brother died at 16 from acute lymphaceutic leukemia. Any other siblings alive or dead? OH! This is new. Sister killed in a car accident at age 10. Older brother died at 18 in a different car accident. Grandparents? ................

                  I understand Betheny. With every direct hit to the heart a new way of thinking has to happen. Something new found to fill a hole. Holes that cannot be filled. But time can. And a reason to stay involved with life. Dogs are wonderful reasons! Helping at no kill shelters fills a reason and time. A dog of your own is a necessity. Maybe get into flower growing or a veggie garden. Or finding a project that leaves some sort of legacy. My Dad and I have always been really close. Other than a serious amount of pain in his hip area that no MRIs or scans have been able to find a cause for that limits his walking endurance a ton he's alert and working on all cylinders. He's also been doing everything possible to settle his affairs which basically is his way to make it easier on me when his time comes. That is not possible. He should know this but he's trying anyway. I am Dad's legacy. Since I don't have children I find myself thinking of advocacy again. Both for a cure for SCI and for dogs. Well, cats too but really my aim is dogs. I'm prejudiced afterall.

                  Bill, I don't know what to say other than if this is what you have decided and you are of sound mind then may you go peacefully and quickly in your time.

                  Betheny and any others interested who want to get back into or start in advocacy of any kind related to SCI let's meet in Irvine, CA in October. We were meant to go out with a bang and a lot of good left behind us. So, no, haven't thought about the do it yourself out in a long time. I don't want any reasons to start anytime soon either.
                  Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

                  Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.


                    "Bill, I don't know what to say other than if this is what you have decided and you are of sound mind then may you go peacefully and quickly in your time."

                    Sue and friends, at times it may seem I've a death wish not really. I have spoken openly and frankly about many issues and trust that the board would be respectful and it has. Life is a gift, this I know.

                    I have injuries fusion at C2-3, multiple T level and L1-S1. I've shattered a should and a leg.

                    The Central Pain and "normal" nerve and nociceptive pain is taking its toll and while originally mostly below the waist now starts at the base of my skull. I've pretty much stopped driving as I get spastic episodes up to 50 times a day. I get pain episodes that have me puking or passing out. I've tried the drugs and am grossly intolerant to most and the few that help the spastic episodes required dosages leaving me a zombie. Off narcotics for 2 years as they were no help. Tried all the various e.g.neurontin.

                    I have no moral issues with suicide but belive, and acknowledge, that by far, it is a sad permanent end to a temporary problem. A "sin" if you will.

                    That said, I've just started over with an entire new neuro team trying to sort out what is happening and try to gain any improvement or relief at all. Prelim is Transverse Myelitis, high thoraci but still a month away from a valid diagnosis if there is one, no MRIs for me, to much hardware and wiring and a non removable stim scarred into the spinal cord.

                    After self isolation and situational isolation I'm forcing myself (and being forced by my wife) to re-engage.

                    I'm also a number of weeks into Jon Kabat-Zinn's MBSR program.

                    While still trying, I'm also letting go as I spiral down rapidly. I choose not to live as a zombie for the spasticity and as you likely well know CP has no viable treatment.

                    As i let go, give away, sell (to pay doctors etc) personal possesions and treasures it has not deepened my depression, rather has been freeing.

                    I pray for help and try every option, going to see a documented healer and world renowned Spiritual Guide, a gift from my son who works with her Global Relief Organization.

                    I only write this that it not seem I support ill thought actions. I would counsel anyone who thinks suicide a rational decision, think past yourself, and deal with the after effects before hand. I have done some of this and having spoken to my wife and one of my daughters, living nearby. I know the impact it will have and she knows what my life has become and said she will grieve, she will miss me, but knows how this could come to pass.

                    That said you cannot ask me to endure for them as I will pass someday for some reason. We don't do this to our pets when thier time is at hand.

                    I have made promises and unless called sooner I will be here to honor them, but my timeline is measured in months not years.

                    I ask for and expect no pity or consideration beyond I tried my best and will continue to until I cannot.

                    Until that time I am engaged and will continue to cry on the board's shoulders when I need support, support who I can, comment where I feel comfortable, especially on these complex, serious issues and challenges most ABs cannot even dream about.

                    I'll miss you when I go.

                    You are all inspirations to me and each other and I have not seen so diverse a group get along so well with only an odd tear in the fabric here and there.

                    All that I am is all gone.



                    The Ketamine Kitty

                    All the tears, all the pain, all the rage through the night (apolgies to the rewrite) RR

                    Next time I die make sure I'm gone,
                    don't leave 'em nothing to work on JT

                    And I ain't nothin but a dream JM


                      I have great respect for Ket and Coffee for different reasons. Roll on gentlemen.


                        Agree with Arndog. In addition, many states recognize a Provider Orders for Life Sustaining Care (POLST) form where you establish what you do/don't want for emergency care. Since paramedics/EMS system cannot honor an Advanced Directive these are signed orders that you keep on your person so that you don't wake up in the hospital having had life restoring/sustaining treatment when you wanted to "allow natural death". Just another way to take charge of your medical's a good thing.


                          Originally posted by Sue Pendleton View Post
                          ... let's meet in Irvine, CA in October.


                            If any of you have seen the film Melancholia, you would maybe consider this topic is all about how you see life--through the eyes of Justine or the eyes of Claire.

                            From Wikipedia:

                            Claire is very fearful and believes the end of the world is imminent. ...

                            Justine is unfazed by the impending doom; she tells Claire that she finds life on Earth to be evil, and takes comfort in the knowledge that it will soon be destroyed. Justine further informs her sister that her intuition tells her that Earth is the only planet in the universe supporting life, and that the destruction of Earth will mean the end of all life.


                              Originally posted by bollefen View Post
                              I have no moral issues with suicide but belive, and acknowledge, that by far, it is a sad permanent end to a temporary problem.
                              That is merely a platitude. Granted, many people do kill themselves over temporary problems, i.e. heartbreak over a break-up, but many problems in life aren't temporary. Each person has his own course and makes these judgments. I just read a mountain climber fell over 1,000 feet to his death. I'll never understand people who do outrageous sports and take such risks. I may take criticism for this, but that climber committed suicide in a way. Did he have to climb? No, but he CHOSE as a healthy, able-bodied individual to partake in a dangerous sport. Why is that seen as noble, but taking your life in other ways not?


                                Been thinking about this a bit too much lately

                                I don't often post here but do lurk every once in awhile. Today I came here looking for others who feel as I do. I'm not quite sure what I had hoped to find but I don't have anybody to talk to so here I am.

                                I'm a 42 year old C4-C5 Quad (since 1985) and I've thought about ending my life at least a handful of times over the years and lately these thoughts have lasted longer than ever before. The irony is the very thing that's ultimately responsible for these feelings is the same thing that's prevented me from doing it. I'm disabled enough that I would need help to do it and there's no chance anybody I know would help me. There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I could procure a gun on my own and hold it to my head and pull the trigger I would have been gone years ago. But I can't so I'm left with some rather unpleasant alternatives where I would suffer horribly. So you could say I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

                                Usually I recover from these feelings quickly but this time that's not happening. The thing is I'm pretty sure why I feel this way and it's not directly because of my disability. I've done well for myself. I own my own place, I have great equipment, I've worked at home both volunteerily and for money, and I get out whenever I can (I'm not afraid to go out in Public). But I'm a total failure with people. Some of it is probably my fault but I believe most of it isn't. You see I've had to go through all of this with no mother and a father, who has done alot to take care of my physical needs but has little time left for anything else. He's been married to a woman who clearly never wanted to be bothered by myself and my brother when she came into our lives after my mother died of cancer. I think she thought when we turned eighteen we would be out of there but my football injury ruined that. My brother turned eighteen shortly before my injury and got out and has stayed out so I haven't had a brother to help me deal with this either. My friends from before my injury eventually all abandoned me as well. So over the years I made a scant few frienda who eventually moved away. I had a few romantic relationships with some CNAs of mine, all of which seemed to be going well then they would suddenly leave. I've had CNAs I became good friends with then they leave. I now live near my Dad and pretty much all of my Stepmother's family. They're all good people and fun people (even my Stepmother) but pretty much any contact I have with them is incidental, meaning if I see them it's because they happen to be where I am anyways (usually at my Dad's house on weekends). I don't see or talk to any of these people otherwise. Most of them haven't even been to my house. My current CNAs are nice but much like my Dad they're outta here once my needs are taken care of. So numerous little things that most people take for granted are glaring issues for me. My mother was my main source of affection so when she died any affection received from family members almost completely evaporated (my Dad is not the type that shows affection much). That said, other than those few romantic relationships I've had (the last of which ended almost twenty years ago) the most I get is a brief hug every once in awhile from one of my stepsisters or stepnieces and perhaps a (rarely) visiting family member. Heck, at the numerous family gatherings (my stepmother's family) it's not uncommon for people to go around the room hugging everybody when leaving only to pass me up. My stepmother has probably only hugged me 3-4 times since she arrived, including pre-injury, and the hugs that did occur were forced. She probably hasn't literally even touched me in ten years. About 95% of the pictures scattered around their house are of her family and not one of them are of me nor have I ever been asked for one. This is despite the fact that I've occasionally supplied them with digital prints of her family (I have a nice computer setup for doing stuff like that and occasionally remind people of that although rarely get asked to do anything). Heck I could go on and on but the bottom line is I feel rather lonely and insignificant.

                                Having people around you that's interested in actually spending time with you and showing interest in what you have to say and what you can do makes a pretty huge difference. While the people around me aren't doing anything inherently wrong it's pretty clear that none of them want to make the effort. So somehow I need to find people who are willing to or this isn't going to go away.

                                I'll likely be going to see the movie Prometheus alone (it wouldn't be the first time) even though it's not exactly a secret that I've really been looking forward to it. And in the days following that it's likely nobody will even ask me much, if anything, about it, unless I go onto some internet forum where people are talking about it. That pretty much sums up my life and it sucks.

                                One might wonder how I've managed so long and why I haven't done something sooner. Part of it probably has to do with my ability to keep myself occupied. Another part of it probably has to do with the image that's been created of me by supporters from my hometown. I was a great athlete in high school and well liked and one of my former coaches has supported me all these years and put together a large group of people from my hometown who raise money for me every year. It's incredibly gracious and I feel both very appreciative and kinda embarrassed at the same time. The latter due to the feeling that I'm not living up to the standard required to deserve this charity. Nevertheless it has driven me to accomplish certain things so I might look worthy of this honor, further helping me to ignore the underlying problems I mentioned above.

                                But for whatever reason it's really getting to me now and no matter how much I try to ignore it situations are occurring every day with the people around me that keep reminding me just where I stand with them. I have an opportunity to move away from all of this in the next year, leaving basically everything and everybody I know (immediately around me that is) behind me and if nothing changes I may just do that. A former caregiver, who was a good friend, has offered me the opportunity to move halfway across the country to live with him and his family on his farm. He has been one of the few people I've ever been around that seemed genuinely concerned with my situation so maybe that's what I need. One way or another hopefully I can snap out of this.

                                I read this quote awhile back and I think it fits my life perfectly:

                                "Some people put up walls not to keep other people out but rather to see who cares enough to find a way around those walls to get in".

                                If I have put up some walls there sure as hell isn't anybody around me that's looking for ways to get around them.

                                I'm wondering if anybody has had a similar experience?


                                P.S. Sorry for the long rant (I probably actually have enough material to write a book).
                                Last edited by Yor; 3 Jun 2012, 1:10 PM.
                                C4-C5 Quad since 9/15/85