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    #76
    my mom didnt allow me to to do a lot either. as kids we were allowed to cook, or do laundry. she'd yell at me for doing dishes as i didnt do them "her way".

    i got into a huge fight over some cinnamon. i love buttered toasted with cinnamon and sugar on top. so i'd leave the cinnamon in the lazy susan or the counter where i could reach. well mom's husband would put it up in the high cabinet where i couldnt reach. so i'd get the long wooden sppon, get a rubberband and attach a fork to it, then use that to reach up and knock it down. sometimes i knocked down a lot of things along with it. i'd put the stuff i knocked down on the counter and then made my toast.

    well mom's husband got ANGRY about this one day. yelling at me that if i wanted the cinnamon, i should ask. that it should be in the high cabinet as it's neater that way. and they are there to 'help' me and i needed to stop being stubborn.

    i countered with "of you really want to help me, then just leave the cinnamon where i can reach it and then i wouldnt make such a mess of things."

    he accused me of purposefully doing this because i didnt like him, and that my attitude was poor and i needed to 'grow up' and blah blah blah. he bitched to my mom, who agreed and told me i needed to leave the house.

    over some cinnamon. i told her that no i wouldnt leave the house and that his blowing up over some toast was dumb. and she was all "it isnt about the toast but your poor attitude" and i said "gee, i didnt realize wanting to do things on my own constituted poor attitude." that was my 21st birthday. i found a place a year later and moved out.

    is your room big? when your mom moves your chair to the other side of the room, can you create something to pull the chair over to you? can u purchase weights so u can do exercises to build up your strength?
    "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"
    http://www.elportavoz.com/

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      #77
      I had to do heaps of stuff like everymorning before school, with the wheelbarrow, go accross the road to get the wheel barrow of horse manure, come home and empty it.

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        #78
        Originally posted by Life&Roll View Post
        I was quite hurt but Linda and ~Lin 's comments have motivated me to reply again. Thank you guys! You people rock!!!
        From late 1997 (injured) to summer of 2005 (Katrina forced us out of our house and into apartments, and finally a new home), I didn't take baths or shit independently. The only bathroom I had access to was on the second floor of my house. Today, I bathe and do all those things for myself, why? I have access to a bathroom.

        This is exactly why I don't bother judging another person's independence from online. You can't possibly imagine what is preventing a person from doing it, unless it's all purely mental, which even then could be just cause for a doctor to look into.

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          #79
          I guess, some people here enjoy browbeating people for their own satisfaction, without fully knowing the situation of other person. I no longer wish to reply to them.

          @Cryptic - That incident was like it was taken from my own life. You have motivated me to assert myself. I have been so caught up in the woes of my health and all that I have not paid much attention towards asserting my independence. But now, I wish and plan to do it more and more.

          And guess what! I have taken the first step. I have told my mom that I will no longer accept her help in getting on my chair from my bed. I said it in a way that she knew I mean business. I told her that it is necessary for me to do it on my own and if you don't let me, I will not move and won't let her move me. It worked!!!

          Also, I have told her to buy and shelf for the kitchen where I will keep all the stuff that I need to make a sandwich or noodles (the only 2 things I can make in my kitchen).

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            #80
            Originally posted by Le Type Fran├žais View Post
            From late 1997 (injured) to summer of 2005 (Katrina forced us out of our house and into apartments, and finally a new home), I didn't take baths or shit independently. The only bathroom I had access to was on the second floor of my house. Today, I bathe and do all those things for myself, why? I have access to a bathroom.
            Exactly. That is so right. Many people can't understand the problems of not having accessibility. It is not what I don't want to do, it is what I can't do.

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              #81
              Originally posted by Life&Roll View Post
              I guess, some people here enjoy browbeating people for their own satisfaction, without fully knowing the situation of other person. I no longer wish to reply to them.

              @Cryptic - That incident was like it was taken from my own life. You have motivated me to assert myself. I have been so caught up in the woes of my health and all that I have not paid much attention towards asserting my independence. But now, I wish and plan to do it more and more.

              And guess what! I have taken the first step. I have told my mom that I will no longer accept her help in getting on my chair from my bed. I said it in a way that she knew I mean business. I told her that it is necessary for me to do it on my own and if you don't let me, I will not move and won't let her move me. It worked!!!

              Also, I have told her to buy and shelf for the kitchen where I will keep all the stuff that I need to make a sandwich or noodles (the only 2 things I can make in my kitchen).
              nice!!! baby steps to the future!! i understand about the health issues. i was so sick for so long that it was difficult to stand up for myself and i was just sooo tired of fighting and dealing with my health problems. and when i realized it wasnt doing me any good, i started to voice my opinion more. they fought me a lot on these things but in the long run, my life is better for it.

              even if all you can do is transfer yourself, that is so huge towards being more independent! you can definitely do it and i am glad your mother listened to you!

              now next time that man comes(holy moly isnt he delicious?) you wont let an earthquake stop you from going lol
              "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"
              http://www.elportavoz.com/

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                #82
                Life, only the living fight! That's how you know you're alive. Good luck!
                And the truth shall set you free.

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                  #83
                  Congrats on your first victory. It may seem like a small thing, but it's not. My experience had been that something like this can be enormously empowering, even if it doesn't immediately change the larger realities of your life (such as the fact that you'll still be living under your parents' roof, even though that may not be your preferred way of life).

                  My guess is, next time you have a conflict over independence with your parents, you'll have better tools at your disposal than just expressing your frustration, even if all that will have changed may be your level of self-confidence.

                  Good luck, and keep writing so we know how it's going, OK?

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                    #84
                    Life&Roll, it sounds to me like you have made enormous strides considering some of the cultural problems that you face in addition to your disability. I think that whatever you can do to get your parents to understand that your happiness would be increased by things like making sure your wheelchair is next to your bed is taking positive steps. The only problem, of course, is that sometimes even when we express our wishes they are not heard or ignored by the people we are trying to get to understand. I have no family at all, and sometimes that is very difficult. You have too much family getting in your way. It would be nice if for both of us we had some middle ground.

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                      #85
                      I am not browbeating you I like others here simply thought you could do more and apparently we were right see now your becoming indepentant and being an adult. I'm happyfor the steps you have taken

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                        #86
                        Originally posted by ~Lin View Post
                        Life: I think in your first post you sounded immature. I was shocked you were 27. I think you have since clarified things and certain posters can't grasp the difference culturallly.

                        sometimes you are just not allowed to do things living in someone elses house. And our culture makes it difficult to understand not being able to just leave. It was said to crawl to th chair... She stated her mom parks it away and insists to help, what do you want her to do physically fight her mom off? And if she doesn't do it already, I foresee her mom removing the chair from the room when it's not in use so that things can continue to be done HER way.

                        as for laundry, she said she's not allowed to do it. While I did my own laundry starting very young, my mom was a control freak and did not allow me to use the kitchen. She also didn't cook me dinners. So I might have grown up living off pb and j. Instead I cooked when she wasn't home so she would never known. I would hide leftovers in my room, and sneak food from the kitchen under my clothes if she was home. She also didn't allow food outside the kitchen. Once she took a pan of brownies in my room and broke them up and rubbed them in my bed and tossed the covers over the top. I was pretty shocked when I got home. My mom was also abusive so I'm hoping Life's mom isn't as unstable, but I completely understand just not being allowed to do certain things. If my scenerio had been different, I would have been forced to eat nothing but sandwiches until I moved out. (I left at 17)
                        wow, we have a lot in common unfurtunately.

                        I never understood why my shrink wanted me to write a book. who would read it? It would be used to study the abuser, and the abused.

                        you should write a book.

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                          #87
                          I have a resolution

                          I have been thinking long and hard for the past week and have finally resolved that I need to assert myself in a stronger way. So far, I have been really caught up in my medical problems and have let everybody treat me like a child.

                          But no more. From 2012, I plan to make myself as independent and as I can be. I plan to make my parents realize that they need to give me the same freedom that they give to my siblings. They need to give me the same respect that I give to everybody.

                          So, if I don't tell anybody how to dress up, how to put on make up, when to wash their hair, what to order in a restaurant, when to go out, how to behave, then nobody is going to tell all this to me either. Also, I plan to make people realize that they can't have their cake and eat it too. They can't lock me up in a home without a car, caretaker or a driver and then expect me to not expect them to take me anywhere. I am 27 years old and I can't live a life of a 56 years old (that's how old my dad is).

                          Am I right here or am I being too rude? Is it the right approach? I need your advice please.

                          Comment


                            #88
                            Life&Roll,

                            Yes, I do believe you deserve every bit of the respect you yourself grant other people. You're an adult and should assert yourself as such. Part of that does involve pointing out to people when they are treating you differently than they would any other person your age. Any freedom your siblings have should be something you are at least allowed to strive for.

                            Try to be gentle, though. I understand there is a long history of bad blood between you and your parents, but I still think you should allow for the possibility that they are doing all this out of a misguided sense of concern. So make it perfectly clear to them what it is that you want (to be allowed to make your own decisions about clothing, food, personal care, leisure activities, etc.), but try to do it without going for a fight. If you get yelled at, try not to yell back. That won't get you anywhere. Calmly restate your position, using the same type of arguments you used here: that you are an adult and can reasonably expect to be treated as such.

                            This all sounds very patronizing, but it's not meant as such. I used to have these types of fights with my mother, who was, at least in part, trying to protect me from something real (my father has big problem with clumsy people), but who did it in a way that made me feel like less of a human being. I know from personal experience that the only way to make your point is with patience, calm, and lots of repetition. I also know it's far from easy to always have to be the patient one.

                            So: good luck, and may the Force be with you .

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