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    Right where it hurts

    Over the past 2 years I've gotten into 4 major arguements and fallings out with various friends over various (unrelated) reasons.

    I've noticed that my closest friends, much like strangers, like to hit me right where it hurts. They ALWAYS mention the disability even when it has nothing to do with anything, but just to say YOU are in a chair HAHAHA but not in so many words, but some of them do say that.

    like "yeah, okay, I know you're in a wheel-chair ___"
    or "you think being paralyzed entitles you ___"

    that's not even the worst of it, sadly.

    is it a GUY thing? or what?

    to me it is akin to saying YO I CAN SEE THE COLOR BLUE! to a blind person... it's just ... wrong... it's out of line. It is the unsaid rules of the world to not go that far, y'know?

    there are no rules anymore, no lines, no boundaries.

    people are so cruel

    #2
    Agreed Guys can be insensitive bastards
    i prefer to hand around women and not only for the view.

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      #3
      Nope, it is not a guy thing, women say the same thing.
      TH 12, 43 years post

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        #4
        It sounds to me like they're thinking you are trying to pull something over on them, taking advantage somehow of being in the chair. If you think this is unfounded, maybe you could try just talking to them about it.

        Do you know something about which one of them feels vulnerable? I'm not at all suggestng you exploit that, but only use it to try to help make him understand. " I wonder why you guys always seem to bring up my wheelchair. Do you really think that's one of my most defining characteristics? Do you think I try to milk it somehow? You know how you feel like your mother never seems to think you're good enough? How would you feel if I were to bring up all the time that difficulty in your life?"

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          #5
          Originally posted by diaspora View Post
          Over the past 2 years I've gotten into 4 major arguements and fallings out with various friends over various (unrelated) reasons.

          I've noticed that my closest friends, much like strangers, like to hit me right where it hurts. They ALWAYS mention the disability even when it has nothing to do with anything, but just to say YOU are in a chair HAHAHA but not in so many words, but some of them do say that.

          like "yeah, okay, I know you're in a wheel-chair ___"
          or "you think being paralyzed entitles you ___"

          that's not even the worst of it, sadly.

          is it a GUY thing? or what?

          to me it is akin to saying YO I CAN SEE THE COLOR BLUE! to a blind person... it's just ... wrong... it's out of line. It is the unsaid rules of the world to not go that far, y'know?

          there are no rules anymore, no lines, no boundaries.

          people are so cruel
          Why do you consider these people "closest friends?" In my experience closest friends don't say things like that. It may be time for some new friends.

          All the best,
          GJ

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            #6
            Last year my sister and I got into a spat and she turns out from nowhere, "I'm sorry I'm not disabled too but I'm not!" WTF? Ohhhhkay.

            My brother that I just started speaking with this year after 20yrs of non-speaking is grating on my nerves by using the terms, "wheelchair people" and "p-bag" as well. I've struck back with "Wait until it's your turn." He's diabetic ... we watched our mother get pieces of her foot and leg hacked off and then her kidneys failed before she died so he knows exactly what I mean. He shuts up then.

            These are the people that are supposed to be supportive .. lol! No wonder I left home at 18 and never returned!

            Life is short and I simply haven't the time for 'friends' like you describe either.
            Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

            T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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              #7
              -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
              Last edited by peterf; 12 Dec 2011, 9:37 AM.

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                #8
                I had a friend say to another friend, that he would" do me" other friend gets a disgusted look and says whay? peglegs and all?! ew.

                I wonder if that led to my falling hard for her guy? she was having her own affairs, so he was neglected. I had never ever behaved that way, but well, we had been good friends, and I justified it in my head.

                Im sorry for that now, but I also dont give a crap about what people think of my peglegs, Maffo's, leg braces, or whatever.

                they will never really get it, some people. I dont have more than a handfull of friends.
                the ones I have would proly clobber anyone who tried to throw my physical deficiencies in my face for no good reason.

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                  #9
                  I would have to agree it is mostly a guy thing!! as boys we were never allowed to show emotions like crying or pain, when the old man took a belt to you, you just had to take your medicine!!! so we were not taught how to deal with these kinds of feelings, all we have to fall back on when "things get personal" is to lash out the same way we did when we were 10yrs old... at least thats how i make sense of it... Although i am NOT trying to make excuses for MEAN. ignorant people, sometimes people get so comfortable around you they speak without thinking what they said includes you but that does not appear what happened here, I would be reexamining my close "friends list"
                  Last edited by fromnwmont; 12 Dec 2011, 12:36 PM.

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                    #10
                    @lyn; "I'm sorry I'm not disabled too but I'm not!"
                    yeah, when that is said without reason, it's just a jab to say YOU are disabled, but not in so many words.


                    cruelty comes in a lot of shapes and sizes and forms.
                    1 year after my accident I was going to a store that had wheel-chairs and what not. The owner was a very high level quad. He was an active guy and a happy go-lucky person. My mother saw his wife, who was quite beautiful, and upon finding out she married him AFTER his accident she said "what is she doing with him? it's not like he can do anything for her..." I was only 13 or 14 at the time but I remember that hurt me so badly, my mother thinking that people like myself are useless and have nothing to offer.
                    She is a great lady and supportive, it was just a passing thing she said without thinking that lead me to see her true thought-process, and sadly, what peoples in general is

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                      #11
                      Unfortunatley, that's a question I ask myself in terms of what I can do for my girlfriend. When I wonder about her taking care of me, I wonder what I can do to take care of her. She says I do a lot. I work on accepting.

                      Feeling valuable as a person when you have a disability is a challenge for lot's of people. I'm not one bit different but for the chair. Disability doesn't, IMO, make people better or worse people. It is easier for AB's to feel automatically superior to us because they can physically do more but it's a cheap way of looking at things. It says something about them and I guess about some of us, when we believe it.

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                        #12
                        The whole them/ us AB's vs. Gimps whatever is a useless and harmful stereotype. Some people are cruel and are going to say cruel things. Either avoid them or tell them to STFU.

                        No one gets thru life without pain. But if you marginalize yourself, are ashamed and uncomfortable with yourself because of disability, you'll make others feel uneasy. The 'able-bodied' people you meet are probably more at ease with your being disabled than you yourself are. Plus they have their own worries, fears, mental and physical health issues.

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                          #13
                          My friends more or less distanced themselves from me and ultimately abandoned me after my injury. I considered them to be very close friends as well. I was always the strong one though and never really needed much help or support before my injury. People are very superficial and don't really think deeply about the impact they cause to others. Especially when someone is feeling vulnerable. I don't understand it because I think I would still care about someone if they were in my shoes. It's hard to find good friends.

                          Going after someones weakest spot is just petty and an easy low-blow.

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                            #14
                            On the other hand KeepGoing, the same thing happens to AB's (able-bodied) in that time span from high school to job/family etc.

                            Have you tried to reach out? Asking for help is the most difficult part.
                            Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                            T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Friends come in three (3) forms:

                              1. A reason
                              2. A season
                              3. A lifetime

                              Those that last a lifetime are very rare, maybe two or three. Those that last a season of your life (shared experience) are a little more plentiful but the connection isn't very deep. Those that are there for a reason (work for the same co, live in your neighborhood) are typically temporary and pretty one-dimensional / superficial.

                              My advice is to focus and support the 'lifetime' friends, tolerate the 'reasons' for a long as comfortable and change with the 'seasons' letting old ones go and new ones in. I find it pretty cathartic, especially given the challenges of our injuries, to just keep rolling along and follow the latin adage: "Illegitimus Non Carborundum" which means: "Don't let the bastards grind you down"

                              Onward & Upward,

                              Chris

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