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End Of My Rope

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    End Of My Rope

    I don't think I can take it any more I don't want to take it any more!!!

    As I sit here I'm eyeing a bottle of pain meds sitting on a shelf just out of my reach. Pain meds that do NOTHING to ease the searing burning pain that shots though my body 24/7/365..

    On top of that I've been crapping my pants more & more lately does it ever end. I can't dress myself take a piss on my own or wipe my own ass!!
    If something happens or doesn't feel right during the day I have to ask for help which makes feel like I'm being a burden.

    If I want something to eat or drink I have to ask someone to fix it. I say please and thank you "something I don't have a problem with it's how I was raised" more in one week more than some people say their whole life..

    My van which is 16 years old is starting to nickle & dime me to death..Can't afford another one and still pay rent put food on the table pay for a pca..Which I guess I'll now be paying for two of them since my aging mother told me she no longer wanted to be a pca for free or other wise..
    Not sure how I'm going to afford it don't qualify for IHSS for various reasons. Not that it would matter our government is screwing over those of you who are qualified by not allotting enough hours.
    But they can send both loads of money to other countries...(Sorry ranting)

    Anyhow that's my bitch and it's only the tip of the iceberg. . Oh wait speaking of bitch I've also just recently found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me!! Six years of unconditional love and this is how I'm repaid. .

    Needless to say I'm at the end of my rope and for the most part would prefer not to go on living most days. . Sadly if I wanted to follow through with that I couldn't with out assistance i.e all my medicines are out of reach.. How sad is that on both counts!!

    Well in trying to leave on a positive note I hope everyone has merry Christmas and happy new year. .
    Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. .(John Wayne)

    I'm sorry things are piling on. Best not to make any existential decisions when at such a low point. You may have better options. Hang in there.


      Brutal man. Feel free to rant anytime. It's all legitimate.


        I am not sure what to say to help. Just know that I read what you wrote and I am in your corner. I am thinking of you, I just dont know how to help. You definitely have more on your shoulders than most people alive on this planet. I admire you. You need a vacation from your body and your life....not a permanent one....but some time off for good behaviour. Good luck pal, I'll keep an eye on your thread, interested to see what others say to help....I hope they are better than me.....



          Sorry to hear all the bad news. I don't know what to tell you other than DO NOT TRY KILLING YOURSELF BY OVERDOSING ON PAIN MEDS! You'd be surprised to learn the range of toxicity of certain drugs. Expecting to die only to wake up with a body more damaged than it already is wouldn't be good. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and I'm hoping things get better… somehow. Just try to get by day to day for right now. That's all I can say…


            In Pensylvania the original budget eliminated attendant care funding entirely. Most of us are scared to death that the nursing home is soon. They funded some for now but no new people allowed.
            C 5/6 Comp.
            No Tri's or hand function.

            Far better it is to try mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure. Than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory or defeat.

            Teddy Roosevelt


              Everything you have talked about I have been through , and do , day by lousy day . Wake up still there , never going any where . I prey for for a answer , for me and all of us . It will never come . Sorry


                I agree with doingtime ... OD'ing can leave you with much more damage and not out of your predicament.

                I can't believe your mother said that to you ... I'll bet that's what is really hurting because it would me too ... and the girlfriend thing.

                What a shitty time of year for all this to happen as well!

                Echo on crapping everywhere .. had surgery 4 weeks ago Tuesday and for the first week my bowels were locked .. now someone needs to turn it to the off switch. I've never had this before but frustrating! What about a colostomy - would you be able to handle that on your own?

                Pick one problem and solve it - no matter how long it takes. The holidays suck I know!
                Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12


                  Just sent you a PM.

                  Huge typo...offered you a fiendship hug...oops!!!

                  Friendship!!! Ha ha!!!

                  Big difference!!!


                    Sorry dude, sounds like your in a low for sure. Hang in there. Rant anytime you want.
                    I hope someone here can steer you towards some help in CA. Your going to have to Cowboy up once again and work yourself out of this, you can do it.


                      Just saying hey, I hear ya, I feel for ya and like was said before, however lil it means.......I'm rooting for ya. Lex


                        Just wanted to say I feel for you, I was brought up like you (with manners)but sometimes though i m very sincere feel like saying "thank you" 10 times day is not enough, I was a very independent person left home at 17 and was last to ever ask for help!!! my "egg donor" told me "you are lazy and i wish you were never born" talk about a kick in the stomach I never asked for or cost her a penny since i left home, i have not spoken to her in over a year now... Sorry I am rambling.... I am in your corner.....


                          Cowboys Place: I don't know what all to do to help. Hope you're feeling better today.



                            Lyniffer's advice of picking one problem/issue and seeing it through to a positive conclusion should be helpful.

                            Attempting to grapple with all you have coming at you would be over whelming, and end in a larger mess then you now have.
                            You C.A.N.
                            Conquer Adversity Now


                              Anyone hear from Cowboys Place?...