What would you do?

[betheny]

I feel ya, fwiw. My stepmother tends to think bad things happen to bad ppl. My Dad thinks her word is the word of God. I also had a broken leg last Xmas. I have to be at the top of my incomplete-sci game, which is fairly AB, to negotiate my Dad's house. So my son and I had no Xmas, as best I can recall. I had just lost my mom and husband in a short amount of time, was in that self-absorbed agony of depression, and said fuck this noise.

Stepmom is still mad I never got around to mailing their Xmas presents.

If you blow them off (which I recommend) just tell them politely and precisely why. Make it clear that you have better options. Then the ball is in their court.

I'm currently determined to make nice w/ the stepmom as long as my Dad is alive. She is good to him. Occasionally, she is good to me. The rest of the time she's saying "If you continue to have prolonged illnesses (I swear she says this in italics LOL!) you'll have to go to an assisted living facility."

Sigh. I remind myself she has no power over me, and hope she doesn't worry my Dad too bad.

[avictoria]

This is the sort of family event you plan for one time only....take a bottle of bourbon, drink it, tell them what you think of them, throw the empty bourbon bottle through the window, and leave.

[gjnl]

The thing is that all of us to one degree or another fight and have fought the battle in the public sector to get the rights (ADA) we have earned, and we rile ferociously when they are threatened and need to guard them to hold on to. Then there are family members that usurp these rights because of their bad attitude...sheesh!!! Cris, I wish you were in northern CA. There would be a place at the table for you!!!

All the best,
GJ

[woman from Europe]

But if he blow them off, he has nobody. I hate every Christmas because I am alone with my daughter and not with my big family, but I don't have any choice because all of them are dead and my small one is with his father every second Chrismas. So we are alone at Christmas eve and the rest of the Christmas I am alone and here the Chrismas is long - to the second New Years day. And I know most people are with their family and having parties and it makes me feel very depressed. And only family is included, friends are not invited.

And my daughter is working all the days, they are earning 200% of the normal salery those days. And every year it is the same stress because everybody want to stay at home Chrismas Eve and she has to use the gimp card to get off work.

[feisty]

That sucks :/ The first thing that was adapted in my house (other than minor bed/shower mods) was my dining room table, and it meant alot to me to be able to have meals with my brothers and my dad, company, etc as well as to have a work space. Holidays are hard enough on all parties involved and it would be nice if they included you in this, the simplest of ways.

[betheny]

I'm currently butthurt because my stepson doesn't have me listed as family on Facebook. Dumb? Oh no doubt. Is the pain real? Absolutely.

Legit or not, betrayal by family hurts.

Which brings me to this suggestion. As we older types grow even more older, we are meant to be embarking on Life Stage 3. How does Christmas in Vegas strike you, Bente?

And of course you will always be invited to Santa Fe. I plan to move in Feb.
Just staying at Jill's until I find a hovel I can afford, but you are one of the few welcome at either place.

Thinking back, my mom had her stroke when I was only 23. I married at 25, had Jake at 29, moved to Houston at 31. Can anyone even IMAGINE the miles Jake and I dedicated to providing Christmas for my Mom? Sometimes we were in TX for the actual Xmas day, but never ever did I not go far out of my way to be my Mom's family. Because, you know-she WAS.

OMG sometimes I feel bitter at both the older AND younger generations...

[~Lin]

I would definitely not go! Wowza. And I thought my parents were bad when I visited. I only see my parents every few years on holidays though, nothing is organized most years.

You deserve much better. Family should not be this way. Sometimes you have to make your own family outside of those blood relatives. This is what I've been working on! I am completely estranged from my brother, and finally announced a couple years ago that if he was at a family gathering I wouldn't be. He never usually showed, I've only seem him a few times since I was 17 anyway, so it was more about asserting myself than anything else.

Maybe your parents will realize their wrongs and things will be better next year if you stand your ground, maybe not and you'll have people you ENJOY to spend the holiday with instead.

[~Lin]

I'm currently determined to make nice w/ the stepmom as long as my Dad is alive. She is good to him. Occasionally, she is good to me. The rest of the time she's saying "If you continue to have prolonged illnesses (I swear she says this in italics LOL!) you'll have to go to an assisted living facility."

Sigh. I remind myself she has no power over me, and hope she doesn't worry my Dad too bad.

Oh jeez, sounds like my step mom. And she got my dad convinced they should have power of attorney over me, and then they tried to convince me to sign it over. Saying that way they could file a disability application for me and I wouldn't have to worry about it and be involved... Which even if it wasn't obvious thats not the reason, a disability application is basically a complete medical history so I'd still have to do it since they don't know who my Drs are, what hospitals I've been to, etc.

At one point when I was severely depressed they tried to get me sent to a long term state institution. Ironic thing was for 9 months prior, I'd been trying to get help from them to be able to attend a residential treatment center since outpatient therapy wasn't working. Then it got so bad I ended up inpatient for a couple weeks, and they want me sent to a state institution instead of an intensive treatment center.

I actually had it out with my stepmom only a few weeks ago. Things have been bad financial wise and now I actually AM applying for disability. She again wants me to just let her do it, and has to offer suggestions that basically I'm doing it all wrong. After 2 days of replies back and forth explaining why her ideas wouldn't work and how this process actually works, I snapped. Told her to "back the f---- off" and got an equally nasty reply lol. Partly because I mentioned I didn't trust her or my dad. So I sent a lengthy reply about how the 2 of them consider me to be the same person as I was a few years ago on the psych floor of the hospital. (she said how dare I not trust my dad after all he did for me at that time... I said that time is actually WHY I do not trust them) That its obvious they believe me to be permanently mentally damaged and incapable of running my own life. And that as long as they don't see me for who I actually am no I cannot trust them. Sent to both my stepmother and father, never received a reply so I take that as confirmation that I was right.

Aren't family wonderful?

[Kendell]

Now and then, I still read here, and sometimes go back to time periods when I was not participating. Given that the holidays are approaching, this thread deserves a bump. My partner's family (except, to a degree,for one sister) treated her like crap. Her mother and stepfather were very abusive to her. In over 30 years, they never even bothered putting a ramp on their house for Debbie. When her mother died (forgive me if I still don't shed a tear), her stepfather wasted little time before remarrying. Debbie's new stepmother (poor woman had no clue what she'd signed up for with that man), put up with a lot from that bastard, but she did manage to make him put a ramp up! It wasnt' used much as - by then - I had convinced Debbie that she was not obligated to go someplace that brought her extreme anxiety. Much as we liked her new stepmom, putting up with the rest of the family simply wasn't worth what it did to her stress levels. Not all families are supportive and loving, unfortunately, and I absolutely agree that loving friends can become family in a much kinder and better way than blood or marital relatives. The holidays can be tough enough to get through for folks for so many reasons. Please, people, if the family you're "expected" to be with during the holidays do nothing but make your life miserable - seek out those other relatives or most excellent friends who will not only want you to be with them, but will do whatever they can to make it a truly viable option for you!! Take care, All.

[lynnifer]

Still can't get into any of my relatives' homes.

[TheRainman]

At their age they don't have the same mental reasoning of thinking like a younger person. So let it be. Enjoy the years you have left with them.

[Podkane]

Just because they are family does not mean they are nice. Since the original post was in 2011, chances are they are gone. Abusive, neglectful, exploitative parents are not unique to those of us with disabilities, it's just more difficult to break free from them. Sincerely hope that the original poster has had many and better Christmases with better people than his "family".