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    Post a joke

    A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"




    A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
    But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
    The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
    THe next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
    THe wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

    "What happened?" asked his wife.

    "Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

    "What did you do?" asked his wife.

    "Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"


    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

    A newly wed couple had just moved into their new home
    The man comes home from work tired and hungry and find his wife sliding down the stair railings
    What are you doing honey
    Warming up your dinner dear.

    #2
    Roses are red,
    violets are bluish.
    If it wasn't for Christmas,
    we'd all be Jewish.
    Alan

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    Comment


      #3
      An older couple, who were both widowed, decided to get married.
      They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
      Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
      "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
      "I would like it infrequently," she replied.
      The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
      Please donate a dollar a day at http://justadollarplease.org.
      Copy and paste this message to the bottom of your signature.

      Thanks!

      Comment


        #4
        a kindergarten teacher in Detroit asked his students the sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone jumps up and yells, "Freeze Motherf*#ker"

        Comment


          #5
          What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

          A stick.

          Comment


            #6
            Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the raccoon how to do it.

            Comment


              #7
              An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

              At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

              Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
              Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
              Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
              painch tripe or thairm:
              Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
              as lang's my arm.


              The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

              Some hae meat, and canna eat,
              And some wad eat that want it,
              But we hae meat and we can eat,
              And sae the Lord be thankit.


              This continues with the next patient:

              Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
              O what a panic's in thy breastie!
              Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
              wi' bickering brattle.
              I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
              wi' murdering prattle!"


              "Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

              "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
              Don - Grad Student Emeritus
              T3 ASIA A 27 years post injury

              Comment


                #8
                there was a chicken and an egg laying in bed, the chicken rolls over and lights up a cigarette and says...........I guess that answers that question
                T12L1 Incomplete Still here This is the place to be 58 years old

                Comment


                  #9
                  Ate out at a German Chinese restaurant,,,,,,,,,two hours later I was power hungry
                  T12L1 Incomplete Still here This is the place to be 58 years old

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Went to the Ophthalmologist and she says I have astigmatism and I say what's that? She said it's a wandering eye. So later that night out with my husband I was asked why I keep looking at handsome fellows that walk by us, then I told him it's okay the Eye Dr. told me I have a wandering eye so it's alright I'm not really looking at them intentionally. (true story)
                    ________________________________________

                    Comment


                      #11
                      After SCI I asked my wife if i should where boxers or briefs........She said DEPENDS
                      Before SCI all I wanted was a nice BMW...now I don't care about the W
                      Before SCI I used to be a great master-debater, now I'm just working on being a good debater
                      Before SCI I never hit a hole in one, now I do it 7 times aday
                      Before SCI sex drugs and rock and roll...after drugs and roll
                      Before SCI masturbation 3 times a week... after hand cycle
                      Before SCI Think I'll get a pedicure..after Dr. wise wheres my cure
                      Before SCI Dr. Phil noes every thing, hes my hero..After scifor55 hes the guy
                      and a new one
                      Before SCI I was a nasty driver, I would give people the finger all the time. After I guess there is poetic justest now I have to pay someone to give me the finger 3 times a week
                      T12L1 Incomplete Still here This is the place to be 58 years old

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Cherbears View Post
                        Went to the Ophthalmologist and she says I have astigmatism and I say what's that? She said it's a wandering eye. So later that night out with my husband I was asked why I keep looking at handsome fellows that walk by us, then I told him it's okay the Eye Dr. told me I have a wandering eye so it's alright I'm not really looking at them intentionally. (true story)
                        Enjoyed the joke but you need a new ophthalmologist.Astigmatism is a vision condition that causes blurred vision due either to the irregular shape of the cornea, the clear front cover of the eye, or sometimes the curvature of the lens inside the eye. An irregular shaped cornea or lens prevents light from focusing properly on the retina, the light sensitive surface at the back of the eye. As a result, vision becomes blurred at any distance. "Wandering" or crossed eyes are strabismus.
                        You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @
                        http://www.rstce.pitt.edu/RSTCE_Reso...imb_Injury.pdf

                        See my personal webpage @
                        http://cccforum55.freehostia.com/

                        Comment


                          #13
                          55 I new that you no just about everything. My wife is starting to think that I'm maybe a smart ass. Last night we were talking in bed. Well she rolled over and farted at the same time.........I told her she was talking out of turn
                          T12L1 Incomplete Still here This is the place to be 58 years old

                          Comment


                            #14
                            wo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?


                            "What kind of murderer has moral fiber?" — "A cereal killer."

                            A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

                            Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

                            "I can't take this, you're my friend."
                            But the blonde insisted saying,
                            "No. A bet's a bet."
                            Then the redhead said

                            "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
                            The blonde replied

                            "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
                            Last edited by peterf; 5 Nov 2011, 3:41 PM.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Over 18 only

                              Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

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