am afraid i may not be here much longer

[cass]

can't eat, am in so much pain, kid gone, job gone, am alone. i really don't know what to do any more.

can't volunteer (if i could do that, i'd still be working). this sucks.

[tdirt]

As a Quad with lots of problems,living on my own ,I really take offense to the way you started your post...I am 48,Quad for 22. In the last 2 months I have 2 able body friend,with children shoot themselves DEAD. 29 and 32. I have NO respect at all for suicide,it is a wimps way out,it hurts the ones you leave behind !!!!!!!

[cass]

As a Quad with lots of problems,living on my own ,I really take offense to the way you started your post...I am 48,Quad for 22. In the last 2 months I have 2 able body friend,with children shoot themselves DEAD. 29 and 32. I have NO respect at all for suicide,it is a wimps way out,it hurts the ones you leave behind !!!!!!!

am not talking suicide. am talking reality. my body breaking down. am quad 25 yrs, worked as engineer most of those. gave birth to kid 6 yrs post, raised him alone, diapers and all. I AM TIRED, he's 19 now and i take offense at your post.

my son had mate shoot himself, my mom, dad, bro, cousin, bf more dead.

i was commenting on my health.

btw, am quad on my own for yrs. it sucks. and yes, i am afraid. i have never been in this position in all my quad yrs. GEESH THX FOR UNDERSTANDING.

[metronycguy]

try and hang in there cass you gave ben very involved in this community for a long time. i understand your going through extreme emotional trauma and increasing pain, so i take no offense at you post, nor do i think someone who has been here since 2008 with few posts should pass judgement on you who has been here since 2001 he obviously has no idea about pain, i always tell these people to take a hacksaw to their toes and start sawing them of , and when done i have plenty of other torturous ways to mimic our everday pain. i am lucky i have meds that control and manage it, many do not have the insurance , and eeven if they did, it wouldnt pay for the strong painkillers, over 4k a month for just one. hang tight , need to find you some help,not hindrance

[Le Todd]

Cass,

You know you're my amiga, but I truly don't understand how you can express such sorrow and pain living this way, but not support our choice to end it (you seem offended by the notion of it as well). Can you help me understand how you combine these two notions within yourself?

[Le Todd]

As a Quad with lots of problems,living on my own ,I really take offense to the way you started your post...I am 48,Quad for 22. In the last 2 months I have 2 able body friend,with children shoot themselves DEAD. 29 and 32. I have NO respect at all for suicide,it is a wimps way out,it hurts the ones you leave behind !!!!!!!

I didn't read suicide in Cass' post at all. If anything, Cass rails against it if you've read more of her posts.

I will go on record as fully supporting suicide. Fuck those it leaves behind. You know the people it leaves behind? The people who will be living it up within weeks and fucking, drinking, eating, and living life to the fullest.

[cass]

Cass,

You know you're my amiga, but I truly don't understand how you can express such sorrow and pain living this way, but not support our choice to end it (you seem offended by the notion of it as well). Can you help me understand how you combine these two notions within yourself?

because then ppl will think we should just die rather than believe there is help.

i posted op cause i am truly afraid my health is failing. that's all. nothing to do w/suicide. i'd never do that to my son.

[bcsimpsons]

Hi Cass,

I am in the same boat as far as feeling like my body is just giving out on me. Yes I am a para but I also have multiple other chronic health conditions. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and feel your pain, sorrow, fear, agony, or any other emotion that could possibly run through your head throughout a given day. I know that I go through multiple even sometimes within hours. Thinking and praying for you!!!!

Becky

[Le Todd]

because then ppl will think we should just die rather than believe there is help.

I think the exact opposite. I think people would feel it's sad we didn't have more to offer the person.

i posted op cause i am truly afraid my health is failing. that's all. nothing to do w/suicide. i'd never do that to my son.

Oh, I know, I'm only asking because it was brought up.

[Foolish Old]

Cass, I don't do sympathy very well. But I do feel for you and respect how hard you have struggled to get to this point. I wish there was some ray of sunshine I could shine on you, I can think of no one more deserving of light and warmth. Finding that bright spot in the otherwise dark room, that single beam of warmth and comfort, is a personal challenge we all face. Your place of peace and light does exist. The trick is wanting it enough to find it and to summon the strength to get there.

FWIW, I love you.

[macska]

I didn't read suicide in Cass' post at all. If anything, Cass rails against it if you've read more of her posts.

I will go on record as fully supporting suicide. Fuck those it leaves behind. You know the people it leaves behind? The people who will be living it up within weeks and fucking, drinking, eating, and living life to the fullest.

amen.

[Liz321]

Totally get it cass.
Have you thought about a service dog?
Hiring someone to come in and prepare your meals, do laundry etc?

It sucks.

[sherocksandsherolls]

this is so very very difficult to read..I shouldnt post as I dont have enough knowledge or background and you are so wise and smart (have really enjoyed your post esp. re travel advice), I am sure you have considered all the options...I could think of...but..

have you considered posting on craigslist ..providing a room in exchange for some companionship and assistance?

There are so many people out of work and in situations they need to get out of.shelter and support may be all they want in exchange for the help you need.

Also, is love out of the picture? Can you date, pen pal or communicate with someone who may be looking for a bright amazing woman to provide the spark they need to find a way out of the darkness of lonliness.

Sorry if anything I say is offensive or totally not helpful..as I admit I have no real background..I just hope that you find something...

[Eileen]

Cass, I am not sure I have the skills to convey what I want to, but no matter what I still consider life a precious gift. We all have a finite time on planet earth, and while most people push it to the back of their consciousness, Buddhists believe that each day we live is one day closer to our "candle going out." Losses, while incredibly painful, are part of the human condition. I am not minimizing, and I have suffered some huge losses in my life. One of the ways I deal with it is to realize that those who have died are within me still. I remember our times together, I celebrate our shared laugther and tears, and while I am pretty weak on the whole theology thing, if there were some grand reunion in another world after I leave this one I realize that so many people I have cared about in my life are already waiting for my arrival. Like you, I no longer can work. I never had children, and I have virtually no family, so yes, I think the word "alone" could be used if that was my parameter for measurement. In truth, I have people who care about me deeply, and who I care about just as deeply. I may not have anyone under my roof beyond two sister kitties, but I am not alone in the deeper sense of the word. Nor are you. You are cared about here, and have many people who wish you well, who wish we could lighten the load a bit for you, and who share of ourselves in an effort to try to help, even if sometimes that probably falls short of the mark. Sending you hugs.

[Eileen]

I didn't read suicide in Cass' post at all. If anything, Cass rails against it if you've read more of her posts.

I will go on record as fully supporting suicide. Fuck those it leaves behind. You know the people it leaves behind? The people who will be living it up within weeks and fucking, drinking, eating, and living life to the fullest.

Todd, you know I love you buddy, but your thoughts about those left behind after a suicide or even a suicide attempt are not always true, especially if it is someone you have loved who has suicided. There is nothing more painful for a child than a parent who suicides. They are left with life- long haunting questions, including "didn't she love me enough to stay?" and "how could I have prevented this." Sure, they eat, they go back to work, they put on the face of normalacy and go out into the world, but do so with a heart that is irrevocably broken, and a sense of trust that is shattered.