am afraid i may not be here much longer

[cass]

cass, do you think your pain issues could be helped so that you can eat and enjoy the little things in life more? It's awfully hard to live for years as a super achiever then get sidelined from work, and really hard to deal with losing your family. The past few years I've lost almost everyone...I won't even answer the phone late at night now.

One feels totally alone...nobody I know, at my age, has lost both parents, a sibling, and almost everbody else, much less dealt with SCI, divorce, etc. My life story sounds like a bad country and western song....even includes the train and 'other woman'.

if you really feel that your health is declining to the point you're in the last inning of the game, you deserve the best quality of life you can get. Patients with chronic back pain are rx'd huge amounts of narcotic pain meds (this may offend some). Frankly I don't understand why SCI patients that have given it their 'all', and in failing health, shouldn't be allowed to be medicated to the point of being pain-free and anxiety-free so they can enjoy pottering around in a garden, or growing orchids inside, or baking, or reading or writing romance novels, get a kitten or a goofy dog from the animal shelter, or writing a book on engineering or whatever gives you joy in life.

I hope you can talk to your son too...can he understand your worries and deal with them and be supportive?

Wherever you are on this journey from birth to death, you deserve the very best quality of life. I'm sure others on this forum have ideas about community resources that might be available. If spirituality/religion is a comfort to you, avail yourself of that. Is there a church nearby with people worthy of you? Do whatever you need to do. I'm an idiot newbie here, but from the posts it's obvious you've done a lot for a lot of people and accomplished a lot in life.

Wishing you peace and comfort

i lost my brother a year and half after i was paralyzed at red light, my first plane trip post was to pick coffin, clothes, make funeral arrangements, etc. i almost lost it. he was 35. cancer. then mom, dad, my cousin, my best friend and more. i just am having hard time finding a reason for all this.

why am i alive and these beautiful, wonderful ppl dead? why? i'm doing nothing to help our world. they were. WHY?

[Le Todd]

The irony of her death is that she was totally ablebodied and had just WON her battle with breast cancer.

If she suffered from depression, I wonder if facing her mortality only made me it worse, despite winning the cancer battle. That's a really tragic tale.

[cass]

i finished movie, passion fish. fwiw, only real part was first. rest was para finds great help, told what to do for own good according to ab, blah blah. i found movie insulting, stupid and saying it's ok to use our dis against us for our own good,. F THAT.

[bollefen]

Hi Cass, I get it. Sometimes that is enough for me to hear, just knowing someone gets it and passes no judgement or decides what is best for me.

Dark angels follow me. I know the flip flop of unbearable days when we need an exit and then find one blue sky day.

I hope you find enough blue sky.

i wish you peace.

ket

[Eileen]

Cass, I'm embracing you with my strong arms, letting you melt into my soul; playing my flute softly to you, trusting you will feel its power and soothe the pain. Smell the waifs of the sage as it purifies the air around you. Sleep soundly with the knowing you are loved and caressed in body and soul by all who know you.

Patrick, this is beautiful.

[lynnifer]

We all have loss. My mother died on my father's birthday a month and a half after I'd turned 24. I'd been with David six months by then and so many times over the years I had wished she had been there for advice (or to give him a swift kick in the arse).

All my parents tried to do after I left at 18 was to get me to come back home for a few years (no idea why). I felt so guilty after her death but it was the best move I ever made. My mother had been sickly my entire life. My sister raised me until I was 8 and then she left home so between 8-12 I learned how to stand being alone while mom was in/out of hospital with breast cancer. Then it was me that was living over an hour away on my own in hospital for three months dealing with the most traumatic experience of my life.

Three years before my mother passed, my grandfather (her father) died. A year before that her brother died (after buying a local hockey team) and she called me that morning making no sense about how she was now an orphan. That entire side of the family, save for an aunt and two sons, were wiped out.

1996 was the last Christmas I spent with my father and the entire family, yet he's alive. I asked him to come visit last year but he was too busy, apparently.

I have a brother that only visits when he wants money.

Another who loves nothing but to talk bad about everyone and made sure everyone left the farm so he could have it all. The house is not part of the farm yet he's lived there for 15yrs without paying a dime of rent. Fair? Apparently in my father's eyes. I couldn't even have the piano yet I'm the only one who plays! I bought my own damn used piano and called my father just to rub in the fact that I never need him, but I did it sweetly. Passive aggressive much? lol

My sister tries but when it gets too difficult, she backs out. I am used to this. Even though I spoiled my niece and nephew growing up, neither has come visit me of their own accord in the 7yrs that I've bought this condo. My niece came painted two rooms while I was in hospital in 2009 - for $800! She was supposed to stay for two weeks but could only tolerate 4 days so I got out of my bed alone with tubes sticking out of me and didn't fall while transferring - good deal! lol She didn't tell her mother she left (she had stayed for two weeks) and I didn't either until a week later.

I used to be angry a lot. In my late 20's, I somehow learned to let it go for they are the people who they are. I stopped asking why because there are no answers. Now, I admit, most of my hatred is directly at David and probably will be for years to come.

But we only have ourselves in this world, ever.

In contrast, a good friend is quadriplegic and her entire family revolves around her. I don't know why my family seems to leave me in the dust. Perhaps they can't handle it - I don't know. I think I'm lucky to have someone (brother or sister) come with me to Toronto lately, though I could do it on my own and with the conversations my brother and I have been having lately, I'd almost prefer that. I get tired of hearing how bad our mother was or how bad my other brother and sister are.

Do what you have to do to get yourself in a better place. If that involves taking on a room-mate, then do it. If it involves getting into an apartment with 24hr attendant care then do it. If it involves smoking medical marijuana, then do it. The status quo isn't working. Change can only come from you. The lingering feelings you have of your family can only be handled by you and I choose to rise above them. What happened has happened and it's better left in the past. You have to make peace with it and leave it behind.

[Le Todd]

Ever seen Monster Ball? The one thing I took away from that film is that even losing your child can be dealt with if you can fuck and feel it.

[avictoria]

"i lost my brother a year and half after i was paralyzed at red light, my first plane trip post was to pick coffin, clothes, make funeral arrangements, etc. i almost lost it. he was 35. cancer. then mom, dad, my cousin, my best friend and more. i just am having hard time finding a reason for all this.

why am i alive and these beautiful, wonderful ppl dead? why? i'm doing nothing to help our world. they were. WHY? "

cass, it's awful when you see the people you love most dying, it seems, right after each other. Makes you think about crossing over to join them. why you can only answer with some sort of faith/spiritual reconciliation with the universe, if that works for you.

you carry a part of each of those loved ones with you. I disagree totally that you're doing nothing to help our world....the words of hope and understanding that you offer others here probably count more in the big picture than you know.

peace

[all-buggered-up]

The only way of ever answering the why me why anything good or bad happens to me or anyone else is the simple answer why not you or me? percentages say that bad things happen to good people and that most people are good people, suffering sinner or suffering saint we are rational creatures, cass we need things to make sense, when we cann't rationalize or make sense of the shit we deal with we tend to become lost in the wilderness of why. try not to rationalize, ok im off to hospital again another night of hospital ... food.

.

[lynnifer]

Dowdy you're in hospital?? What's up? Get better soon!

[jody]

beautiful picture lynnifer.

I have a sister that has a way of bringing up the tragic aweful past. she hates my physical challenges. Thankfully she is making efforts not to be so mean and bitter.
I make efforts to forget she was mean and hateful and try to put away my resentment. It is possible when we both try.

Her husband died, and left her a young widow. I can only imagine her suffering. life is short, and time lost is lost for good so we try.

I did not take cass's title to indicate suicide. I was worried about the breathing issues, and lack of good food intake.
I think a roommate might not be a bad idea. Im no living alone, but my kids are grown and in another state. i have not made friends with anyone since moving to south carolina. .....well theres rhett, silly as he is. The place being quiet and deserted sometimes makes it hard to be motivated to do anything. Isolation from people can be just lonesome. I like my own company, and can usually find things to do, but sometimes the days just start to run together, and I get tired of myself and trying not to be lonely.

[lynnifer]

(Thanks .. it's my 'twilight-contacts and vamp teeth' photo for 'SHOCKTOBER.' That was from 2009 ... my face is a lot fatter now and my hair more gray, dammit! lol)

[jody]

oh, I didnt notice the contacts. cool.

[all-buggered-up]

Lynnifer I have day leave. I still have about 3-4 weeks in hospital. Have to back to go back hospital in a while been there for a month or so. 3 weeks to go. I lost the complete function of my right side to a stroke. scar showed up in the first mri 8years ago the second one showed up no further damage. so they think that the sudden weakness loss of bowel and bladder are residues of the old scar. see ya on the dark side. i just crapped my pants. 3 sets of anti constiption meds and no bowel control.....

[lynnifer]

Without even thinking of the proper choice of words, my immediate thought response was, "Oh crap." lol .. but it's not funny.

I wish it was better for you Dowdy! You have known me since I was 22ish when I worked at a hospital and spent my midnight shifts online! We're in this together. We are all connected by rope and if one falls, we all fall; so don't let go.