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am afraid i may not be here much longer

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  • #16
    Cass, I feel like you have sunk in a hole physically and emotionally and there seems no way out. Combine this with lonliness and losing the purpose you had in your very admirable professional life has pushed you further down.
    I don't have an answer how how to get out of that hole.
    Would having someone come in a few hours help you or be an option?
    FO's words made my eyes water up. I wish I could help you somehow.
    Please keep posting whatever you feel like saying.

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    • #17


      Always listening cass ....... we're always listening !!

      Obie
      ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


      " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
      Jane Siberry

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      • #18
        cass, do you think your pain issues could be helped so that you can eat and enjoy the little things in life more? It's awfully hard to live for years as a super achiever then get sidelined from work, and really hard to deal with losing your family. The past few years I've lost almost everyone...I won't even answer the phone late at night now.

        One feels totally alone...nobody I know, at my age, has lost both parents, a sibling, and almost everbody else, much less dealt with SCI, divorce, etc. My life story sounds like a bad country and western song....even includes the train and 'other woman'.

        if you really feel that your health is declining to the point you're in the last inning of the game, you deserve the best quality of life you can get. Patients with chronic back pain are rx'd huge amounts of narcotic pain meds (this may offend some). Frankly I don't understand why SCI patients that have given it their 'all', and in failing health, shouldn't be allowed to be medicated to the point of being pain-free and anxiety-free so they can enjoy pottering around in a garden, or growing orchids inside, or baking, or reading or writing romance novels, get a kitten or a goofy dog from the animal shelter, or writing a book on engineering or whatever gives you joy in life.

        I hope you can talk to your son too...can he understand your worries and deal with them and be supportive?

        Wherever you are on this journey from birth to death, you deserve the very best quality of life. I'm sure others on this forum have ideas about community resources that might be available. If spirituality/religion is a comfort to you, avail yourself of that. Is there a church nearby with people worthy of you? Do whatever you need to do. I'm an idiot newbie here, but from the posts it's obvious you've done a lot for a lot of people and accomplished a lot in life.

        Wishing you peace and comfort

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        • #19
          There was an excellent article on pain management (or lack thereof) in my local paper this weekend. It made me think of you and others here that suffer constant pain:

          http://www.windsorstar.com/health/pa...126/story.html

          Sometimes, when the pain drugs don't reach her, Lous Heshusius lies on the floor as still as a corpse. "Please," she'll whisper to herself, "Please, let it pass."

          She says there have been moments when she's imagined taking a knife and cutting through the muscles and tissues in her shoulder and neck, just to ease the unbearable tightness.

          It has been 15 years since the car crash that nearly killed her. Fifteen years and more than 30,000 hours of pain — stabbing, burning pain so intense at times she cannot think or speak. The kind of pain that paralyzes, says the woman from Sooke, B.C. "It's like going into another world."

          She has no memory of the impact, no memory of being broadsided by a car travelling 90 kilometres an hour as she pulled away from a stop sign on a country road north of Toronto in September of 1996. No memory of her car being rammed across the intersection and flipping into a ditch.

          When police found her unconscious and slumped in the mangled front seat, her face bloodied from the shattered glass of the windshield she hit when her seat belt came undone, they thought she was dead. Doctors at the hospital told her the force of the impact was so intense that her neck could have been broken; death could have been instant ...
          Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

          T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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          • #20
            How about doing contract work. Where you get a job and do it on your own.
            Is SCORE still around? It was retired engineers that advised people on small projects.

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            • #21
              Cass I am a bit new here, and I certainly am capable of putting my foot in my mouth. But at 69, I am also at a stage of life where I totally get what your are saying and have the greatest empathy. Can you get involved in a meditation. That has been very helpful to me during tough times. Please hang in there.
              T4 complete, 150 ft fall, 1966. Completely fused hips, partially fused knees and spine, heterotopic ossification. Unsuccessful DREZ surgery about 1990. Successful bladder augmentation using small intestine about 1992. Normal SCI IC UTI problems culminating in a hospital stay in 2001. No antibiotics or doctor visits for UTI since 2001: d-mannose. Your mileage may vary.

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              • #22
                cass i know your pain...

                cass please you are not alone.
                think think and pray.
                i know what are you going to...but we need to find somehow a way...
                cry if you want!
                write whatever you want to write!
                just want you to know....you are not alone! we are all with you!!!

                claudia
                and sandra

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Eileen View Post
                  Todd, you know I love you buddy, but your thoughts about those left behind after a suicide or even a suicide attempt are not always true, especially if it is someone you have loved who has suicided. There is nothing more painful for a child than a parent who suicides. They are left with life- long haunting questions, including "didn't she love me enough to stay?" and "how could I have prevented this." Sure, they eat, they go back to work, they put on the face of normalacy and go out into the world, but do so with a heart that is irrevocably broken, and a sense of trust that is shattered.
                  I didn't mean to imply that anyone who considers suicide should do it. Many completely healthy people do it due to momentary circumstances in their lives and that is very sad.

                  My focus was being adamant that a person shouldn't feel obligated to live and suffer for the benefit of others. To me, that's selfish on the part of others, not the one who suffers.

                  Consider people around you who went on with their lives when you were injured. No one stops living because someone suffers.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Le Type Français View Post
                    My focus was being adamant that a person shouldn't feel obligated to live and suffer for the benefit of others. To me, that's selfish on the part of others, not the one who suffers.
                    I totally agree with this. My sister has said more than once that she'd hate to be without a sister .. but we see each other maybe two or three times per year and she doesn't have to live this life.

                    On the other hand, if I had a child - never. There's an obligation and I would only stray from that if I had a terminal illness. Hard to imagine unless I was actually in that situation.
                    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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                    • #25
                      Thanks for posting the article on pain Lynnifer. I read it to Dave.

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                      • #26
                        Thanks! It certainly opened my eyes and I'm thankful I don't suffer the nerve pain that most do, often; although I've experienced that it worsens with age.

                        I can't believe the waiting list for pain management clinics .. 700 patients long or 18 months long, yet the doctor in the story was saying that early intervention is best or else it seems you're doomed.

                        P.S. Karma hates me. I posted I don't get pain often and now my feet feel like they're in blocks of ice and on fire at the same time with a 1000 needles being stabbed into them repeatedly. Doesn't happen often (lol). I blame the cold.
                        Last edited by lynnifer; 10-01-2011, 11:02 PM.
                        Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                        T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Le Type Français View Post
                          I didn't mean to imply that anyone who considers suicide should do it. Many completely healthy people do it due to momentary circumstances in their lives and that is very sad.

                          My focus was being adamant that a person shouldn't feel obligated to live and suffer for the benefit of others. To me, that's selfish on the part of others, not the one who suffers.

                          Consider people around you who went on with their lives when you were injured. No one stops living because someone suffers.
                          I agree with you that suicide is a personal choice, and I did lose a good friend to a brutal suicide. Her children were told, and still believe to this day, that their mother's car broke down during a snowstorm, and I hope they never find out the truth. My feelings about her suicide are very different. I think she had an absolute right to do it if she really couldn't stand it, but I also wrestle with the fact that perhaps she just needed more psychological help with depression. The irony of her death is that she was totally ablebodied and had just WON her battle with breast cancer. Her prognosis was one of health and aging, so it was the depression that took her out. For her kids sake I am glad they just think it was a tragic accident, because the truth would be too much for them.

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                          • #28
                            you are all so kind and i feel like a fool for posting. i'm sure it looks like "look at me, i'm hurting, scared, alone." like i'm the only one. i really just don't know where else to turn but here.

                            btw, am watching passion fish via netflix streaming. t10 w/"bad" attitude. it really is hitting home.

                            jen, i'm going to read that article later.

                            thank you all for listening. it really helps.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Foolish Old View Post
                              Cass, I don't do sympathy very well. But I do feel for you and respect how hard you have struggled to get to this point. I wish there was some ray of sunshine I could shine on you, I can think of no one more deserving of light and warmth. Finding that bright spot in the otherwise dark room, that single beam of warmth and comfort, is a personal challenge we all face. Your place of peace and light does exist. The trick is wanting it enough to find it and to summon the strength to get there.

                              FWIW, I love you.
                              FO, your post has made me cry. i keep rereading it and all the others. i do feel ppl care. w/o this site and all of you, where would i be?

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                              • #30
                                Cass, I'm embracing you with my strong arms, letting you melt into my soul; playing my flute softly to you, trusting you will feel its power and soothe the pain. Smell the waifs of the sage as it purifies the air around you. Sleep soundly with the knowing you are loved and caressed in body and soul by all who know you.

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