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I hate almost everybody and everything about this f'ed up sci life

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  • #46
    Originally posted by darkeyed_daisy View Post
    So what happens when your passion is no more because you can't freakin concentrate. I gave it all I had and now I have to give up again. I have even ate right and lost some weight even before the change of meds the last couple of weeks. I just never could feel good here. I cannot tolerate the heat My doctor here warned me about over doing it and the effects of the heat when I got here.

    I feel like a second rate person. I have had more damn problems in the last 7 months than I can keep count of. I hurt and I am miserable.

    So going out and jumpin in a boat and smiling aint that easy right now! I appreciate your positiveness Curt but sometimes it just sucks and there is nothing else to say.

    I am angry that I have to start again and I am scared that I may not be able to start again because of this pain.
    You just gotta have fun in life regardless of your circumstances. I don't feel so great most of the time, massive pain in my legs, a/d most of the time, feel bloated, have not moved a muscle or felt anything from T4 down since 1981. But off I go tomorrow up to lake george new york towing my boat and hoping to win the annual lake george regatta. "Just do it", as Nike use to say.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

    Comment


    • #47
      Originally posted by lynnifer View Post
      Thanks for the encouragement and I want to specifically thank you for noticing this. No one EVER mentions how much work I put into that man, how much I did for him, etc. It was an extremely fruitless adventure and one that has surely soured me for the rest of my life.

      Regardless, I wonder if a lot of people don't see the work that women do ... BESIDES our full time jobs. We have a straight line from Venus telling us exactly what to cook for dinner that night ... we seem to notice when things need cleaning and trust me it doesn't work the other way around. If I'm asked to do something, I do it ASAP. The other way around, it's 2 weeks to months! Always know the perfect gift to give and I could go on about how we're psychologists, priests, assistants, etc. I see this is my sister with her husband. I see this with a lot of couples.

      I suspect Cass' son is the same ... and it's a very thankless and unworthy feeling. And it's just plain wrong!
      Jenn, my task for today was to send you and Cass an email. I searched for the last email I rec'd from you and printed it and then looked at this thread to see if you had posted again. Now that I see you've read it, I may not get to it until Fri. or Sat. (yeah I'm the same old procrastinator).

      I wasn't sure how hard to come down on David cuz I wasn't sure where you were on that subject. I went easy by saying "picking up behind him", I wanted to say more on that (wait for the email, I remember a lot).

      Jenn, back when we were in frequent contact (12 or so years ago?) I was new to the w/c life and you were the veteran of 12 or 13 years. I never told you that you were an inspiration for me, you were able to do so much for yourself that I had to try harder.

      Anyway, I'll write in a day or so (I know, you've heard that before) please know that you are loved and valued.

      ßoß

      Comment


      • #48
        I don't know where I'm at with the David thing. It's been 17 months or so. The hard part is we never spent more than two weeks apart and then kaboom, disappeared! Two emails July 2009, a birthday card since last October ... after 13yrs!?! He has not contacted family at all. I even had a Christmas card from his relatives addressed to both of us last year (the ones from England!) ... so he hasn't contacted anyone there either. I had to write them a letter to let them know he's there in England.

        A neighbour across the hall is mutual friends with someone David used to work with and she told my neighbour that I was all he talked about at work. Jenn this, Jenn that.

        I dated after he left and was so turned off ... I started to wonder if he was really all that bad ... seriously!

        It just feels so ... unfinished. Like I'm left hanging ... and I guess that's why I'm stuck. It's such a paradox ... I sometimes get lonely but I love my solitude. WTF? At least I just pick up after myself now. lol

        It doesn't help that people in my building and some of my co-workers keep up with the, "Have you heard from David," almost two years later. I had to mention at work that I didn't want to hear it anymore. The guys think it was 'cold' and 'cruel' how he left when my health was unstable and then not to check up with me.

        Whatever.

        It's way past time to move on. I'm stuck with what to move on to. Have to figure out this gallbladder thing, get the small wound on my rump healed and talk to work about the 12hr shifts because I can't do them. For the first time, I can't keep up. And yes, it's bothering me ... but I'm not superwoman either.
        Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

        T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by lynnifer View Post
          I don't know where I'm at with the David thing. It's been 17 months or so. The hard part is we never spent more than two weeks apart and then kaboom, disappeared! Two emails July 2009, a birthday card since last October ... after 13yrs!?! He has not contacted family at all. I even had a Christmas card from his relatives addressed to both of us last year (the ones from England!) ... so he hasn't contacted anyone there either. I had to write them a letter to let them know he's there in England.

          A neighbour across the hall is mutual friends with someone David used to work with and she told my neighbour that I was all he talked about at work. Jenn this, Jenn that.

          I dated after he left and was so turned off ... I started to wonder if he was really all that bad ... seriously!

          It just feels so ... unfinished. Like I'm left hanging ... and I guess that's why I'm stuck. It's such a paradox ... I sometimes get lonely but I love my solitude. WTF? At least I just pick up after myself now. lol

          It doesn't help that people in my building and some of my co-workers keep up with the, "Have you heard from David," almost two years later. I had to mention at work that I didn't want to hear it anymore. The guys think it was 'cold' and 'cruel' how he left when my health was unstable and then not to check up with me.

          Whatever.

          It's way past time to move on. I'm stuck with what to move on to. Have to figure out this gallbladder thing, get the small wound on my rump healed and talk to work about the 12hr shifts because I can't do them. For the first time, I can't keep up. And yes, it's bothering me ... but I'm not superwoman either.
          I am a T10 para very happily married to a post polio para/quad for 36 years. My advice, don't entirely give up on men - you are very attractive and obviously have lots of smarts and character. I would hope there is someone out there to appreciate you. Good luck with your health issues and I hope you will make yourself emotionally available when it feels right.

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by Curt Leatherbee View Post
            "Just do it", as Nike use to say.
            plz don't quote Nike remember the infamous drooling husk of former self ad?? and i do disagree. sometimes you just gotta say, i don't wanna be all happy and say everything's ok right now. sometimes you just need to say it's not ok.

            http://ragged-edge-mag.com/extra/nikead.htm

            lynnifer and daisy sure have hit a chord w/me. sometimes you just say wtf have i done all this for? doesn't mean there aren't still some smiles, but, in general, it's wtf? i trust this will pass. but it sure is taking its sweet time.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC1wyTh7ARw

            hey FO tyvm for that great song you posted! i just listened to it. it's perfect.
            Last edited by cass; 09-09-2010, 09:40 PM.

            Comment


            • #51
              Originally posted by Curt Leatherbee View Post
              You just gotta have fun in life regardless of your circumstances. I don't feel so great most of the time, massive pain in my legs, a/d most of the time, feel bloated, have not moved a muscle or felt anything from T4 down since 1981. But off I go tomorrow up to lake george new york towing my boat and hoping to win the annual lake george regatta. "Just do it", as Nike use to say.

              I know. I really don't mean to come across so snippy. I am getting ready to drive back cross country after giving up a job that I have worked so hard to get. I realize that taking care of myself right now is much more important than 40-60 hour work weeks. I am hoping my photography and all the things I enjoy will be worth the pain of having to walk away from doing something I love. Good luck at the Regatta.
              T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

              My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by darkeyed_daisy View Post
                I know. I really don't mean to come across so snippy. I am getting ready to drive back cross country after giving up a job that I have worked so hard to get. I realize that taking care of myself right now is much more important than 40-60 hour work weeks. I am hoping my photography and all the things I enjoy will be worth the pain of having to walk away from doing something I love. Good luck at the Regatta.
                Sometimes a lost opportunity can be a opportunity gained. I was thinking about this today as I rode in my truck past a business I nearly bought in 1986 to run my quick lube out of which I really liked. The deal fell through when the guy decieded not to sell the place, it is still his radiator shop to this day. I was really upset but continued looking and found a Gas Station about 20 miles away for less money that turned out to be a gold mine for me over the next 13 years of my life. I was not planning on even getting into the Gasoline sales business but it was a real moneymaker, plus I ended up with garages to boot to run my quicklube. So you never know what is in store for you if you just apply yourself. It sounds like you are doing the right thing moving out of AZ if the heat is bothering you so much. I remember being in Scottsdale at a place called the Phoenetian ten years ago or so and people were just baking in the sun laying next to the swimming pools, you could literally smell baking flesh. I wondered how in the heck do people live there?
                "Life is about how you
                respond to not only the
                challenges you're dealt but
                the challenges you seek...If
                you have no goals, no
                mountains to climb, your
                soul dies".~Liz Fordred

                Comment


                • #53
                  Originally posted by cass View Post
                  .
                  lynnifer and daisy sure have hit a chord w/me. sometimes you just say wtf have i done all this for? doesn't mean there aren't still some smiles, but, in general, it's wtf? i trust this will pass. but it sure is taking its sweet time....
                  It's funny I was thinking the same exact thing yesterday. "I'm not alone." One can't escape the fact that this site is full of support and validation. Damn! lol

                  Once I accepted that I was not going to be a mother or have a family, I was forced to look at the positives ... and that was of course, that I just have me to worry about.. Damn kids! lol
                  Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                  T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Originally posted by lynnifer View Post
                    It's funny I was thinking the same exact thing yesterday. "I'm not alone." One can't escape the fact that this site is full of support and validation. Damn! lol

                    Once I accepted that I was not going to be a mother or have a family, I was forced to look at the positives ... and that was of course, that I just have me to worry about.. Damn kids! lol
                    Ya really, what kind of life would it be changing poopy diapers and getting migranes from screaming kids. Look at the bright side of things, you are free. A lot of your friends your age are tied down to drudgery.
                    "Life is about how you
                    respond to not only the
                    challenges you're dealt but
                    the challenges you seek...If
                    you have no goals, no
                    mountains to climb, your
                    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by darkeyed_daisy View Post
                      So what happens when your passion is no more because you can't freakin concentrate.
                      I totally relate to that. After my injury, I was thinking to myself, what happened to my ability to concentrate on slower things like studies? Then I went into attention addiction in which I always needed something going to keep me from thinking too much. If I didn't have the TV on, listening to music, or on the PC, I'd be lost in the silence.

                      I actually enjoy the silence now and love meditation.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        I hate myself and my life too. I have a lot more than others have blah blah blah......sorry. I hate this and I wish it were done.

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Originally posted by Curt Leatherbee View Post
                          Ya really, what kind of life would it be changing poopy diapers and getting migranes from screaming kids. Look at the bright side of things, you are free. A lot of your friends your age are tied down to drudgery.
                          curt, i know you mean well and have good intentions...but, sigh.

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Originally posted by Curt Leatherbee View Post
                            Ya really, what kind of life would it be changing poopy diapers and getting migranes from screaming kids. Look at the bright side of things, you are free. A lot of your friends your age are tied down to drudgery.
                            No woman aching for child sees it this way. When you long for one, poopy diapers seem worthwhile. Plus, for quite many people, it isn't the vain, materialistic things that their dreams are made of. Wanting something you can't have is being tied down to drudgery.

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              How does this describe it: The fire has gone out. Pretty accurate I'd say.
                              Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                              T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                PAIN!, I hate the pain

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