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congested thoughts of a quadraplegic

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    congested thoughts of a quadraplegic

    so its been 6.5 months post and for those who dont know me..

    my name is stan, i live in vancouver canada.. some asshole (who has told me he's to pussy to say sorry to my face) tripped me in a roller hockey championship game and with all the open space to fall, i had to go head first into the boards and break my neck.

    so here i am, c4 asia d. brown sequard

    i can walk with forearm crutches (with the Ness on the weak leg). one hand is functional and the dominant hand is the screwed one with some little flickers and tedonesis. b/b no good and cant cum.

    i came home from rehab about a month ago and its definitely better than being at rehab but now i find myself always thinking of how life used to be.. all the sports, all the going out..etc and now im limited to slow walking, wheeling is hard on my shoulders (they pop like crazy when raised), seems like i envy all my friends, all the able bodied people that just sit there and not worry about cathing, how many steps are there, getting enough fibre, etc.. it seems like i havent really accepted my injury and how i will have to live for the rest of my life and the only thing that keeps me sane is the thought of return because im only 6.5 months post injury

    anyways depression or constant sorrow (which i count as depression but my ot and psychologist disagree) just bombards me. i ask some of the quads that are 8+ years post and they all say they are used to it and its not bad.. but it is, i dont want to live like this.. i know i have to but its fucking hard thinking of how it used to be and the things no longer available.. i dont know, im just typing my thoughts as it comes

    sci sucks balls.

    dont get me wrong, i dont do nothing all day. i do my best to get better aka strengthening, walking, stretching, hanging out with friends..etc but at the end of the day its like 'damn', especially the mornings

    anybody out there gone thru this or feel the same way?

    just sharing my thoughts

    i know there are other quads who would kill to be able to do what i can do but thats not me. every injury is unique and this is mine
    c4 incomplete
    brown sequard syndrome

    Hi Stan,

    I know exactly how you feel. I'm a c7/c8/t1 brown sequard 5 years post now. I also joined the SCI club because of someone else's recklessness during a car wreck when I was 19.

    I thought when I first got hurt if I could just walk a little I would be so happy but that wasn't the case, the more I got the more I wanted. The more I thought I was getting closer to being myself the more I realized how far away that reality really was and it really messed with me mentally. I don't regret trying though.

    You have to take life day by day, not thinking this will be your life forever. I also was very active, in a lot of sports, the life of the party, and just loved life in general because it seemed like I had it all going for me. I would actually wake up and think wow, today is going to be a good day.

    After I got hurt I thought this is it forever? It actually made me quite suicidal to think this would be my life. Every day I would go to this old home and exercise, walk around, wheel around, just trying to keep moving. I would see the old people in there and envy them. I actually wished I could be them because they were on their way out and I still had such a long ways to go. I had these feelings for about 2 years until I realized I could still do some things such as go to school.

    I did the whole school thing and got out of my home town which helped a ton. I did 2 internships in another state living on my own and it made me realize I can still be independent and live my own life.

    People could see the confidence in me and enjoyed that I could laugh about my disability. I'm 5 years post now and moved across the country to start a new life. I landed a sweet job as a software engineer and trying to enjoy life as much as possible.

    I'm leaving out a lot of negative parts of my life just because negativity isn't what you need right now. But just remember to try to enjoy life as much as possible with whatever you're given and that life is going to be different but doable.

    I forgot what I use to be like, what it felt like to not be in pain, or the feeling of running on a beach but I'm glad they are gone. That in itself was constant torture and kept me back rather than moving forward with life. Your SCI journey is going to have a lot of ups and downs but hopefully more ups than downs in the end.

    Last edited by mr_coffee; 17 Feb 2010, 4:16 AM.
    C7/C8, T1 incomplete;

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      Hi Stan,
      I think what you are feeling is what everyone feels in the beginning. It is a huge adjustment to be made, and your body has taken a blow, but your emotions have too because this is one hell of a life changing event. You might still gain some major improvement because your injury is so recent, so I think your hope is valid. I guess I just wanted to let you know that your thoughts are normal and you have a right to them. It doesn't matter that you might have ended up better off than some or most quads, as each injury is devastating to the person who sustains it, and you're right....SCI sucks. Keep writing here. Lots of good folks who know what you are feeling and can help with questions as they come up.


        I was real angry for at least the first 5 years post injury. Anger is a normal reaction to this kind of thing. Hopefully for you, you will get over it before 5 years and not waste so much time being that way as I did.
        "Life is about how you
        respond to not only the
        challenges you're dealt but
        the challenges you seek...If
        you have no goals, no
        mountains to climb, your
        soul dies".~Liz Fordred


          Hi Sho
          Anger is a normal emotion but eventually you'll feel more comfortable , Over time thing's will change and get better .
          Also if you could substitute a nice word for every bad word ( Cusing ) lol you'll notice a faster positive prognosis and outcome

          Initially like most of us all when these bad accidents happen We just feel down or Some suicidal But Suicide is not a cure it is a cowards way out of life .
          Depression is a psychological emotion because of the drastic changes our bodies go through . With positive friends here I can assure you that out of all the junk you endure Now youre on a New Journey of life and it is Great .

          These accidents or coincidences are New Doors and avenues of Life and it only makes one stronger and wiser in the long run .

          The most amazing thing about Neurons is over time they can compensate
          Healing is a process of Patience and Endurance ,

          When I had my accident and was a veggitable I found new ways to do things and day by day everything balanced out .
          I never Gave up , I worked with my therapists evry day sometimes 2 X a day doing weight lifting with my arms and took it slowly but worked hard on my upper body strenghth which paid off for a lady lol

          All I can say is I wish you the best and hope you smile when you read this knowing I am thinking about you , If you ever need anything just feel free to pm me
          I hope you feel better , Canada is very beautiful I love it there especially in Vancouver
          Bless you