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It finally has come to this.

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    It finally has come to this.

    Hi folks,
    some of you will remember me Im sure. I haven't been here in a while, but once again I need some advice. My husband c3/4 inc is insisting on driving again, has had 3 accidents, refuses to be evaluated to see if some modifications might make him safer. He has become impossible to live with, angry sullen, tells me i am in the way of his routine, hates it when im gone hates it when im here

    Anyway long story short, in July i started to live my life again. With his encouragement have made an offer on a home in our old home town, 3 hrs from here. Working, have been considering dating, basically, i am learning to live a life again.

    I would have stayed with him forever, but he just can't come to terms with his injury which has now been almost 6 years ago. He refuses to leave the house unless it is by his terms, nothing to make his life easier, no mobility aids, pees his pants now rather than experiment with or stay on meds that seemed to work for him. I can no longer live like this.

    So why am I here today. I guess I want some advice on how to separate. I had intended to lead a dual life, coming here to help him every other week or so, but now, I just want out. I can't deal with his self pity, all about me, poor me attitude any more. I know his life is incredibly inexplicably hard. But it isn't my fault. OK... so maybe this isn't the right place for any sympathy for me, but damn, i stuck by him when everyone else deserted him, and now he calls me the guard in his prison.

    This is so incredibly sad. We just passed out 25th anniversary, pretty much un-observed. I don't even like him much anymore, I have lost all respect for him. He used to be the nicest guy in the world. Now he is the most selfish person I ever met.

    Any comments are welcome.

    Sorry Kittim that it has come to this. If some services to help him could be put into place before you exit it might help both him and you, but he sounds as though he would reject anything you might offer or find, so that is a big problem. I don't know if he can drive again or not, but certainly he needs to be totally evaluated. In the state I live in it is a requirement after a disabling injury that you be retested and have the proper adaptive devices. Maybe the same is true in California? You mentioned coming over every other week or so, but how does he manage now? Most of us find it too much work to soak our clothing and then have to change it if there is any other way to prevent it. Do you help him change after an "accident?" If so, stop. I know that sounds harsh, but geeze, the man has to get a grip and have some personal responsibility. He may still have occasional accidents, but that is entirely different than just not even bothering to try to prevent them. Can you get him on CC to write to us? There are many here who would try to help him, I think, although he would have to deal with the "tough love" crowd as well as the softer voices. You're right......none of this is your fault, and for what it is worth I think there are plenty of people here who could express their sympathy to you, who have been as much a victim of his SCI (almost) as he has been for the last six years.


      thanks Eileen. No such law in CA. He can manage his personal care fine. His accidents are primarily leaking, not soaking. But it gets old to see and have to deal with all the stained underwear. I did all of this willingly for so long. Just can't take it any more. NOt because of the work, because of him, he is now an asshole that I don't even like much. Ive tried to get him on cc. He may have an account now, I don't know. But really... I just give up. Ive tried and tried to get him to do something write a book, use a scooter, change his meds, get a better bed, instead he buys a motorcycle, insists that he will be able to ride it, he doesn't think rationally at all anymore. It is really heartbreaking. But I just want to cut myself from any financial liability from his poor decisions. I can't stop him from doing anything he wants. I jsut don't want to suffer any more consequences.


        25 years wow you are a strong women. stay strong
        must be really hard on you
        good luck


          I think it is wise to prevent any involvement in financial messes that he might engage in because of his unrealistic thoughts. If he can manage his personal care then it seems to me you can leave without any of the added burden of wondering how he will manage. That is a good thing.


            Hi Kittim ....I remember you and I'm so sorry it's finally come to this but at some point you have to make a decision for yourself and after 25+ years of being married and all you've endured the last few years you've certainly earned that right. Maybe your actual leaving will shake him up .... why does it always take loosing something before we appreciate its value .... sooner or later you have to leave that horse at the water to take that drink ... when he gets thirsty enough he won't have any choice if he wants to live l

            No one knows how heartbreaking it is to have to make this decision Kittim and I'm sorry you've been put in the position of having to do so ..... but you can move on knowing you gave it your best shot .... you can't control him or how he thinks ... when he realizes what an opportunity he gave up in having you there perhaps it will shake him out of the world he has created for himself and he'll also realize his injury wasn't just about how it affected him .... although initially it won't seem so ... leaving is probably the single greatest act of love you can offer him !!
            I wish you all the best .... stay strong ...

            ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

            " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
            Jane Siberry


              I am glad you are taking action to take care of yourself! Please keep coming (and you may want to post in either the Caregivers or private Caregivers forum...we can even move this there if you request) and posting here. You will get support.

              Although CA does not require relicensing to drive with hand controls, it does have a law requiring physicians to report to the DMV anyone who is unsafe to drive due to medical conditions, and the DMV will then call him in for re-evaluation. They can pull his license, although he may try to continue to drive without it. I would strongly recommend that you contact his physician and let him/her know about this situation. This law was actually passed based on a famous personal injury suit by one of my former clients who got her SCI when her friend had a seizure while driving...her physician knew she was having seizures but never reported her to the DMV. Both the physician and the driver were successfully sued.

              One reason you need to do this is if he is in an accident and seriously injures or kills someone, since you are still married, you could also be held liable in the case of a suit. For this reason I would also strongly recommend that you see an attorney and explore a legal separation at this time. You need to protect your resources too.

              Do you really need to go back to help him? If he can take care of himself, I would encourage you to not do this. If he needs help, let him arrange for a part-time PCA or homemaker and pay for it out of his share of your funds. If you want to visit him, not as a caregiver, but as a separated spouse, that is fine, but I would strongly recommend that you get rid of the caregiver role entirely and focus on taking care of yourself.

              Do you have children?

              The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.


                Really it is your duty to report this


                  I remember you. I still maintain that you deserve to be treated w/ respect and appreciation. Him calling you the warden really grabbed me. On some level, he wants you gone, and for a number of reasons I hope you'll oblige him.

                  Just a guess, he feels you are martyred on his cross. I have seen more sci men chase off their AB wives on this very basis, the strongest almost always do imo. I know I personally HATE a martyr. Not saying I hate you mind, I just suspect this is what he is reacting to. It's his perception, there isn't a damn thing you can do about that.

                  Don't endanger anyone by letting him drive, pls. I remember my husband having that fear, which in my case was ridiculous...I've driven 70,000 miles in 9 yrs., no incidents. But I feel you know the lie of the land here, so you have to protect the world. Sorry bout that.

                  Do what you must, and Godspeed. Tell him we're here, and we care, because we fucking well ARE and DO. We've earned our spots here in this funhouse, and so have you, and so has he.
                  Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?


                    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds awful.

                    I echo everyone else in saying take care of yourself.

                    Completely understand wanting to separate yourself financially!

                    Good luck and follow what your brain tells you, not the heart.
                    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12


                      I'm very sorry for your marriage ending like this.Still though I'm glad you're moving on.You don't deserve his crap.I don't think you should help anymore either.I would still visit but not for awhile.You need to breathe & he needs to grow up a bit,plus he'll probably throw guilt trips on you right now.PLEASE report him though,it's not fair to the innocent drivers & pedestrians out there.Best wishes to get through this,the both of you.


                        It sounds like you are getting control of your life again. Do not feel guilty. You are not the cause of your husband's problems. Most of us with SCIs come to the realization that our problem is with us to stay, and come to a fork in life's road where we can choose to make the best of it, or drown in misery and make the worst of it. It sounds like your husband has chosen the latter, but you do not have to go down that road with him.

                        Wishing you the best in your new life.
                        You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @

                        See my personal webpage @


                          Hi Kittim...

                          I remember you very well. My condolences on the loss of your spouse/friend/lover -- it's horrible to watch someone you used to know so well become a completely different person. After 25 years of marriage, this loss is a big one.

                          At the same time, though, I offer you my heartiest congratulations on not allowing him to drag you down with him. I strongly support your decision to reclaim your life -- it is the healthiest, sanest choice you could make given the situation in which you find yourself.

                          As far as how to go about leaving, I would pursue obtaining a legal separation ASAP. In California, there is a six month waiting period before a divorce will be granted, but there is no waiting period for a separation. A statement that any debts either party accumulates is the sole and separate obligation of the party who acquired them should be included in the separation agreement to protect you from any liabilities he incurs. Please note that a spouse must agree to the legal separation. I'm sure there are plenty of do it yourself forms and books out there, but I think investing in a lawyer who can make sure that your interests are protected is the way to go.

                          I strongly agree with the others advocating for a clean break. I admire you for even considering coming over to help him following the split (it speaks volumes about your character), but doing that will serve no purpose except prolonging the process of breaking free and your misery.

                          Agree on a date on which you'll be leaving that gives him a reasonable amount of time to get any supports he will need/want once you're out of there, and stick to it. Make it clear that after that date, the extent of your interaction with him will be limited to finalizing the distribution of assets only. Personally, I wouldn't necessarily wait until the purchase of the house is complete -- talk to the lawyer, find out how long it will take to work out the legal separation, and set the clean break day based on that.

                          I wish you nothing but the best, kittim, and I am proud that you have decided to remove yourself from what appears to be a highly toxic environment. I hope that you'll be able to find peace and a happy life very soon.

                          Afterthought about the ongoing driving debacle -- Absolutely contact his doctor about reporting him to the DMV. I would also notify the DMV yourself. And if your husband has his own vehicle, call your local police, give them his name, vehicle make and license plate number and report him as being unsafe to drive due to his medical conditions. It's my understanding that the police can also investigate situations like this and are required to confiscate the license of any person they find unable to safely operate a motor vehicle. If his three accidents reported to the police or insurance, they will serve a pretty compelling evidence that he's putting himself and other motorists at risk every time he gets behind the wheel.
                          It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

                          ~Julius Caesar


                            Please take care of yourself and remember that having SCI is not an excuse for acting like a jackass. It sounds like you've given the relationship plenty of time and energy, but he hasn't. Good luck with the next chapter of your life.
                            "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem


                              As I read this thread that I started over 5 years ago, I'm reflecting of all that has happened. I left, we remain close and in contact. But things have gone hill today so I am writing on this thread. He called me this morning with uncontrollable shaking with sudden onset at 10PM last night and it comes and goes. Any ideas?