I am feeling awkard surfing matrimonial site for THE disabled

[Shwetarose]

Hi friends...how are you all...after long time i m today on site...my best wishes and hugs to all my frds...

i m getting better after break up...i know it is almost 1.5 year, but still i cant come out totally..dont know what is bothering me of not forgetting him...i cant help tears....god doesnt do such thing with any disable or handicapped..it is pain..we are already in pain and accepting all n now getting dumped...it is soo patheticc and terrible..i m becoming over sensitve and feeling waste..m i soo bad that ppl throw..they doesnt realise or their soul doesnt stop them..

anyways, i m elder in my family.my parents are always concerned and always hv worries that what will happen when they wont be there...i feel very insecure after all this...so i myself surfed surfed matrimonial indian sites of handicapped..but i m very different from them..i m very normal and look normal...( i m not offending anybody,pls pardon me)..i mean i just cant walk...if i m in normal chair, noone can make out that i cannot walk..i m getting depressed of what will happen if i dont find anyone in this biggg world..indian disbaled sites doesnt hv my any match..

what i do????? i m very scared of being single bcos till now i hv been with frds and him. but now noone..

[lynnifer]

Hi Schweta! I'm basically in the same spot as you - newly single at age 36.

Have you tried other sites where people can walk? I'm not sure I'm ready but have a lot to offer, as you, so take all the time you need before you meet someone new!

You're a beautiful gal - it'll happen when you're ready!

[Eileen]

Hi Shwetarose,
I am so glad you decided to write again here. It takes a long time to get over a broken heart, so be kind to yourself and know that it will get better as time goes on. You are so beautiful, and if I remember correctly you were going to school too in addition to working? Are there any social groups you might enjoy joining? Sometimes love comes to us when we least expect it, or from what seemed an unlikely source. I agree with Lynnifer that it will happen in time.

[teena]

Hey, Shwetarose!

So glad to see you back here. I have thought of you during your absence.

You have so very many good things going for you. I know it is hard not to dwell on the negative things that have happened to you, but I also know first-hand that even if you feel like you will never have a special place in someone's heart, you will when the time is right.

A few years ago, I was so very smitten by a very nice guy who happens to be a c5 quadriplegic. There came a point in our lives when he realized we both were looking for two very different things and he decided that our relationship should just be a friendship. I was hurt beyond words.

I can honestly say that now I am thankful that he did it, because I have found someone new that I love with my whole heart.

I truly believe that most of the obstacles in my old relationship had to do with situations that were already in place when we met.

As he told me, "some things are just not meant to be."

Nobody can tell you how your heart feels, Shwetarose.

The first thing you need to do is to look at yourselfl in the mirror every day and say to yourself that you are going to be special to somebody. You can be someone's whole world. Just be yourself, and do not think that you must take or love anyone who is not someone you are attracted to. You have the right to love someone of your own choosing.

Please take care, and never ever give up on yourself. You are not a cast-off. You are not thrown away. You ARE moved to a special place where you wait for someone to love and someone who will love and cherish you in return.

One of the former President's wives, Eleanor Roosevelt, once said the following quote:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."

I have found this to be true.

Take care, friend!

Teena

[Shwetarose]

Your words soothen me...make me positive..i m just scared of being single..it depresses me..i hv soo much to give, but noone to take..in india, it is difficult..i cant see any my type disable..i m scared of now normal guys..how u all hv met your soulmate or partner? sites? here groups are there of disabled, but i hvnt been in any group..dont know why..

[Eileen]

Try some sort of group that you might enjoy even if nothing comes of it in terms of a date. That is always the best thing to do because you are doing something you enjoy anyway. I don't know what is available in India, but here we also have "courses" that are just for fun. It's like school, but not for grades, just because you might want to learn something different. I have taken a photography course once, and a cooking class. You get to meet people that way, and even if they just become friends it is still a big plus.

[KiranA]

Have you thought of marrying outside of the Indian community? The Indian culture is experiencing a shift in attitude and a change for the better, thankfully, but there's still a long way to go in accepting people with disabilities. I personally don't expect to end up marrying an Indian guy because of the attitude that exists towards someone who is physically challenged, and I live in Canada!

In our culture, moreso in India than elsewhere, it is still very much the ideal that women, although it is acceptable to now hold jobs, should still cook, clean and rear children. People are too ignorant to know that this is still possible after a spinal cord injury. It's too difficult for one individual to try and change the mind of society. I would focus on what is most important for you. Do you want to meet someone and be married, or are you feeling pressured to do it because of your parents? If you truly do want to meet someone, I would try international dating sites. There are a lot of able-bodied men who are open to dating someone with your injury.

I wish you luck. You're beautiful and you will meet someone.

[betheny]

I'm so glad Kiran posted, as I am clueless about your culture. I mean I watch Bollywood movies, but I doubt the whole family jumps up from dinner for a little sing-n--dance session, like they do in those movies!

All I know is what is universally obvious-you are beautiful, you are worthy, but you have been hurt and made to feel neither of those things.

There's a saying here, not too nice but very apt: "Don't let the bastards get you down."

The boy that dumped you was a bastard. He had no strength of conviction. He couldn't resist pressure, even for love.

You don't have to marry a disabled person, unless you happen to fall for one. We're all just people...anyone that can't see that doesn't deserve you!

I hear you getting desperate, like there is a clock ticking. If you marry the wrong guy, that clock will tick slowly, endlessly, all your moments of misery. So try to forget the clock, ok? You aren't on a schedule. Make sure you get out and about, both on the computer and in real life. I have faith in your abilities-our disabilities ain't nothin' but a thang. Don't let yours define you because you had the misfortune of falling for a jerk...it happens to the best of us.

Have you ever seen him again, or did he vanish? I've wondered.

[Jeff B]

I'm so glad Kiran posted, as I am clueless about your culture. I mean I watch Bollywood movies, but I doubt the whole family jumps up from dinner for a little sing-n--dance session, like they do in those movies!

What? How disappointing. I thought it to burn off the extra energy from the spicy food.

I hear you getting desperate, like there is a clock ticking. If you marry the wrong guy, that clock will tick slowly, endlessly, all your moments of misery. So try to forget the clock, ok? You aren't on a schedule.

Many people end up with the wrong person because they are the first one to stick around. Please don't sell yourself short and make this mistake.

[LaMemChose]

Shwetarose, I'm glad to see you post again, but also sad for the hurt and pain you feel. Time does help. Honestly.

There is no shame in a broken heart. There is no shame in being disabled. You are a beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring woman.

Not living in your culture, I can only imagine how it must be. There are stereotypes of a sort in my own country among my people so I know yours must be even greater.

Kiran knows better than the rest of us what you both are facing. She seems to have good advice for you, too. Keep running your business, having your own life and consider dating outside your race.

Shwetarose, you're a strong, beautiful, intelligent, educated, loving woman. There is a man who will appreciate and love you just as you are. You'll love him, too. I believe you will meet your mate.

Keep posting and talking with us. We're here for you whether you are happy, sad or somewhere inbetween.

Just know you have been missed here at CC.

[KiranA]

I should probably clarify. It may be a great change for you to date someone from a completely different culture. I can appreciate that. But perhaps an international dating site may allow you to meet other Indian people in other countries, where they are exposed to a disabled population that has individuals who are independant, employed and entrepreneurs such as yourself.

There is a large Indian population in Canada and the US, where people are generally more aware and therefore more open minded about people with disabilities.

Good luck in your search!

[Shwetarose]

wow..i am feeling so good talking here and reading..love you all..thanks a lot..i hv frds here..but ur all thinking are soo much different..my sis is somewhat like you all...it makes a lot of difference talking with somebody out of India..thinking is different..

[Shwetarose]

I have taken a photography course once, and a cooking class. You get to meet people that way, and even if they just become friends it is still a big plus.

I think i will rejoin painting....n also will learn something..thanx for the idea..this will certainly help me to make new frds

[Shwetarose]

@lamem - u r right..i m somewhatin between phase..thank god i hv my own business and papas business to handle , otherwise what would had happen..!i try to get focus on that more..but sometimes i just cant tolerate my own sadness..thank god, there is one place like CC where i can totally completely vent..i hv become very much reserved after break up..i cant open up with my best frds too..but CC is the BEST.

@betheny : i m scared of being single..my choice is disable guy bcos normal guys especially of India( feel bad to say that) are more concerned abt family,community.so disable guy would be good as we match.no obligations and no sacrifices. i just saw him once in common frd marriage.he couldnt face me, neither me.h is single still.watching girls,fixing meetings n all that show.watching other couples like my frds, i feel terrible bcos i hv experienced all that..( i had given him ethg..crossed limits!) i was mad , foolish, dumb so all this is happened..so easy it was..we met,he proposed, for him i went for stem cells,tried to get independent,watched movies,went out station,dreams,parents said NO, he left with ease with no looking back..

@Kiran - yes u r right...i certainly should surf international sites. my parents are very ok whatever i feel. infact i want to marry, lol for myself and for them..they not at all pressurised me, infact, they want to secure me with them whole life and give me tons of happiness..

@teena : i thought that he is the guy for me bcos he approached me..and all those love and caring ways..but now atleast i know what is suitable for me..not normal guy..and never to trust much..

[betheny]

)

when you say normal, you mean able-bodied, right? Believe me, I've known some abnormal able-bodied men! (joke)

I hear you scolding yourself for dumb things you did due to love. I bet every woman has done rash, crazy, insane things, and crossed limits of one sort or another. Love messes up your brain chemistry! I hope you can forgive yourself for being human, sometime soon. It doesn't mean you are bad.

Gosh, those Bollywood movies have girls misbehaving, sneaking out with boys, etc., just like American girls! I saw one recently where, at the end, the youngest daughter ran off with a slimeball in London and the family had to track her down. But the family was just glad to have her home. Your family sounds wonderful, giving you tons of happiness. You were luckily not caught misbehaving but I bet your family would have forgiven you. I hope soon you know you deserve to be forgiven, and to be loved by a man that "trips your trigger". If you limit yourself to disabled Indian men, you've really cut down the dating pool.

But gosh, they would sure be happy to see you come rolling in! The whole package, which you are, specifically seeking a disabled man...they'd be fighting over you!

BTW, Indians in Britain, there are many many many. I've seen lots but movies tell me there are scads. Kiran's right, international dating sites, I think!

But would you hate to move away from your parents, to Canada, the US, the UK? THAT would be hard, I think!

May I ask a question? Are you expected to date/marry an Indian man, or man of Indian heritage? Would your family be scandalized if you fell for, say, a cowboy from Oklahoma, or a Chinese accountant from Beijing, or an African stockbroker in London? If so, why? Is it because of race or religion or something, or is none of this a problem and the whole world your oyster?

Sorry to be clueless, I thought maybe you wouldn't mind educating me so I could be less dumb!

It is pretty lame to have my perception of the massive nation of India come from the few Bollywood movies in English, or with subtitles LOL. They are ALL about weddings, too! If not for Slumdog Millionaire, one would think your whole country does nothing but weddings! (I gotta say, the weddings are fabulous. That one movie, Monsoon Wedding I believe? Made me want to be Indian so I could have such a wedding! But maybe you'll invite me to yours, I'd happily settle for that!)