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Need a Sanity Check

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    Need a Sanity Check

    Haven't posted or even come here in a while. But I need another point of view and I need it now. My husband c3/4 inc quad who has had 3 car accidents, the last being almost 2 years ago which resulted in injury to myself (broken foot). No one was injured in the other accidents, but were out probably 6K or more by now in car repair, our own and others. He was so upset at hurting me last time (1 minute earlier and I would have been dead or worse) that he voluntarily quit driving. He uses no aids, never was checked out in his driving ability during rehab (refused). Now he is complaining that I won't let him drive and that he is in prison.

    It is true I am reluctant to let him drive at this point. If he gets in another accident, or hurts someone it affects me too. He doesn't see this point at all.

    Am I being ridiculous? I have told him that if he will go get evaluated and get a car fitted to his needs (if there is any required) I will be more than happy for him to drive. He refuses.

    He is almost 6 years post. Our marriage is over. He won't do anything to help himself. Refuses to use any kind of mobility aid. If he can't walk he doesn't go. Since he can only walk 10-20 feet this severely curtails our activities. He treats himself like an invalid. Has never really adjusted to this (not that I blame him, it is tough I know. I'm still trying and I am able-bodied). I feel like I have given up my entire life for him and have always tried to make things easier for him. He feels I intentionally make his life miserable.

    So that's the readers digest version. Should I just give in and let him drive the damn car? He is not safe. 3 accidents in a little more than a year.

    I have come here because I know I can never know what it is like for him. I know that many here understand that at a level I never can. I just don't want to lose any more.

    it doesnt sound unreasonable what you are feeling. a lot of folks break up after sci. It changes everything. I would feel the same way if I were you about the driving issue. He should take advantage of a rehab driving program, and an adapted vehicle. after all, he would'nt want to go around making more quads or worse, all because of his ego about being handicapped and embarrassed about his sci issues. Im surprised it wasnt recomended after so many accidents.


      You are not being unreasonable about the driving AT ALL. Because you are legally married, any damage he does in the car becomes your liability as well. You're right to protect yourself financially as well as to look out for public safety.

      You've set out very reasonable conditions for getting him back behind the wheel. It's downright pathetic that he is unwilling and unable to recognize that you're being the only responsible adult in this situation.

      I totally understand if you're unable to do so, but please consider taking steps to have his license revoked and get his name removed from your auto insurance policy until he has been evaluated/trained by a licensed rehab professional and any adaptive equipment necessary is installed on your car. Your local police could tell you how to make that license revocation happen.

      I really feel for you, Kittim.
      Last edited by thehipcrip; 15 Jun 2009, 8:58 PM.
      It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

      ~Julius Caesar


        I agree with you. He needs to have an evaluation and some equipment if warranted. It is just plain silly and stuborn, to say nothing of dangerous, for him to claim he is not going to use any aids, and to limit his life to the few walking steps he can take. I am sorry that you have to deal with this, but I wanted to let you know I would be feeling exactly the same way that you do over this situation.


          I've wondered from time to time how you two were doing.I'm sorry he's still being a pain.I wish he would only realize the independence he would have w/ controls,but he seems to have issues far beyond just driving.It seems like you've tried so hard to work w/ him on many things and he only puts the blame off on you.You don't deserve this,are you sure you want to live w/ this stubborness?You say your marriage is over anyways,don't you think it's time to leave?I wouldn't tolerate his ignorance any longer.I say leave his ass behind to either figure things out and be reasonable and proactive in his care/life or hit the nursing home and be the invalid he really thinks he is.You've played his cards way too long,you deserve a life!


            A driving evaluation and appropriate driving modifications is imperitive! If he expects to park in the handicapped parking spaces, than he will need a doctor's note for a handicapped driving placard or a disabled driving plate. When I renewed my license in Oct 2008, they required a doctor's note even though I have been a disabled driver for 20 years. Stick to your guns and tell him that he needs a seperate car insurance policy if he decides to drive.


              Originally posted by quad79 View Post
              It seems like you've tried so hard to work w/ him on many things and he only puts the blame off on you.
              In his defense, you have only heard my side of the story. He would never come here, although I encouraged him to and sent him links. I think I am finally though at the end of my rope. I just hope it isn't as I'm hanging off a steep cliff!
              Last edited by kittim; 15 Jun 2009, 10:00 PM. Reason: typo


                I was hoping to get more responses. I intend to send this link to my husband so that he can see other opinions. Not that it might do any good but I don't know what else to do. Thanks for participating.


                  Originally posted by kittim View Post
                  In his defense, you have only heard my side of the story. He would never come here, although I encouraged him to and sent him links. I think I am finally though at the end of my rope. I just hope it isn't as I'm hanging off a steep cliff!

                  Very true.I've just seen a lot of sci's take total advantage of their spouse and or family.It's one thing to need them,but we've still got to take responsibility for what we can do.If you truely want it to work it out w/ him maybe counseling is an option.I really empathize that leaving will be difficult,but you can only take so much.Maybe in some way you're enabling him but not realizing it.When it comes to refusing hand controls and not accepting the risks he's taking and projecting on others,it's ridiculous!It seems he takes every opportunity to play the sad cripple act.By no means is it a fun,easy,luxurious life.We all face disappointment & sadness,but I think he really needs more help than you can give him.I'm sure you realize you're running out of excuses too.

                  What kind of responses were you looking for?