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    my 16 yr old son is killing me

    i've posted on this before and i don't expect any responses. i need to vent. this kid is literally killing me. i can't take the stress, the power trip he pulls on me due to my paralysis, the trash he makes of my house, being called a bitch, etc. etc.

    i am in so much neuropathic pain, i lie in bed and all i hear is how useless i am. i am so tired. so very tired. we had tix to Walking with Dinosaurs tonight. couldn't go. i was in too much pain, had no help...f this. i can't take it much more.

    i thank you for letting me vent. that's all this is: a vent.

    #2
    I sympathize, and empathize, and care. Someday he will regret these things, because you haven't raised a monster. In the meanwhile, you will endure, because you are strong and tough. PLEASE cut yourself some slack. No child ever died from missing a Saturday's entertainment.

    I'm sure he's feeling very sorry for himself, because he is of an age where that is what they do, and self is what they think of.

    But it is OK for you to hurt. It sucks, but it doesn't make you less worthy of love or respect. I hear self-blame and just want to remind you that you don't deserve that.

    You've busted your ass. You've done your best. In most cultures he would now be a man in his own right. In the best cultures, he would revere you for the sacrifices you've made on his behalf.

    Hang in. Just hang in, girl. I hope you find the strength to tell him that killing you is not allowed. Mine about took me down too; stress is a dangerous state. If you go down, what happens to him? I'd love to know his theory on that...
    Blog:
    Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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      #3
      ..... I hear you cass ..... hang in there ... some days we wished we used better birth control huh !! And I just wanted to support something Beth said .... we hate that they are behaving in a way we know they are going to regret down the road because inevitably they will .... and we know what a heavy load that is to carry .... especially when you they can't go back to say sorry ..... but its how we all learn I guess .... its so painful to be part of that process ....

      Obie
      Last edited by Obieone; 3 May 2009, 7:43 AM.
      ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


      " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
      Jane Siberry

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        #4
        Hang in there Cass.....I'm sorry to hear of this rough spot. Was wondering if the pain you have can be treated at a pain clinic, etc., as it makes everything much more difficult.

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          #5
          I too am very sorry to hear about this. As I go around daily, I realize how little respect kids have for their parents nowadays. It is more symptomatic of our cultural as a whole. Kids nowadays are raised to be more narcissistic than at any time in history. All you can do is be the very best person, and parent you can be under the circumstances. Please do not fault yourself for your son's behavior. It's hard enough keeping a child in line as an able bodied person, let alone as one suffering from a SCI. When I go to the mall I am flabbergasted by the blatant disrespect children have for their parents, believe me you are not alone. Take comfort in the fact that you have done your best to raise him. They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry. I do believe he will come around before then, Take care.

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            #6
            Cass, I am sorry to hear how bad this is. I think there is a line though between normal teenage angst played out in hostility and what may be actual verbal abuse. If he berates you because of your disability as far as I am concerned that is abuse. Only you know if you want to do anything about it. I once knew a woman who had her son under some court mandated behavioral rules, and if he broke them he would have to leave and be on his own. I don't remember enough of it to know what the policy is called, but I am sure you could look it up. It is a very different thing to be "rotten teenager" and to be unrelently abusive.

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              #7
              Oh Cass, I feel for you. Teenagers are trying even on "good" days.

              No suggestions, I am sure you have already thought of/tried anything I could come up with.

              The good thing (and the bad thing) is that they grow up, and eventually move away.

              How old is he now? Might it be time to hurry that point up?
              T7-8 since Feb 2005

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                #8
                As a mom who survived raising two sons on her own I sympathise with you. Totally. I had a lot of trouble with one and the other was a dream. I still ended up loving them both just as much and they both turned out just fine. My younger one realised and witnessed all of the suffering I endured to keep working for 15 years in terrible pain. He is an incredibly empathetic person. My older one was already grown and gone when all this started. Just like you did, I worked as long as I could, then had to drop out and just try to make it day to day. I wasn't sure how to keep going.

                I dont understand why your son cant see what is happening and try to make it better for you both instead of giving you hell but that is from a different perspective than his. I hope he will come out of this teenage thing someday and realise what you have sacrificed to give him. It may take a few years and it is probably about as bad as it can get right now, but he will eventually work out whatever it is he has to work out. I hope. Keep going in the direction you have chosen and tell him he can come along for the ride, or just get on with his own life. It seems harsh I know, but you need the peace that you have worked so hard for.
                Anything worth doing, is worth doing to excess

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                  #9
                  Kick his fuckin' ass out. Call the cops and get a restraining order. He can go live in a home for brats. Then he'll see how useless mom was.

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                    #10
                    Bette, what Betheny said is on the mark.

                    You know I think you are on of the best parents I know of...if I ever had kids, I would most CERTAiNLY call you up and say...WHAT NOW?~!!!

                    Relax...the possibility of ME having kids is about as good as naiing jello to a tree...ha!

                    But...

                    You HAVE DONE and ARE DOING the best you can and sometimes BETTER than the best you can...and nobody at all can fault you for that...

                    My own Mom was very sick for a long time before she died, and I can remember at a younger age thinking of all the things that OTHER Mom's did with their children...swimming, hiking, bicycling, huge shopping sprees, etc and wondering WHY my own Mom could NOT hold out to do all those things...and even at one point TELLING her how I felt...and if I could eat my words now, I surely would...

                    I think back now on all the good things we DID get to do together, and it surely outweighs what we missed doing...

                    He will come to a time when he understands that too, for himself and for you...

                    He is at an age where it looks to him that if he does NOT do everything everybody else does, he is an uncool failure...I remember that much about being a teenager.

                    I remember when I was about his age, a neighbor up the road was going to a
                    "battle of the bands"...and I desperately wanted to go with her, and she had invited me. I was about 2 years younger than her, so I must have been about 14 or 15 at the time...thank goodness I was NOT allowed to go, because she came back with horror stories of a flat tire, and a touchy feely kinda guy...and my parents had truly protected me from something I could not see...

                    Sometimes YOU come first, Bette...and that IS OK...

                    {{{Bette}}}

                    He's still way better off than the guy who's parents would not even think of going with him to the Saturday night event...he's way better off than the guy who's parents would have set him out on the street to fend for himself...he's way better off than the person who's parents never gave a hoot for him to start with and sent him off to school after school, never giving him love and support that he needed and deserved...

                    It's NOT you, Bette...no guilt trip. The scenery is horrible and it gets you nowhere, FAST...

                    So hold your head up high, and say to yourself, I AM a good MOM...I am a GOOD MOM...because you ARE the BEST!

                    Love ya!

                    Teena

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                      #11
                      Oh, cass, I feel so bad to see you going through the "growing pains" that are not only his but yours too. Wish I could make all this fade away somehow. I know they can hurt us with their words even more than anyone else's can hurt. I recall hearing words my daughter spewed out in anger when she didn't get her way. They hurt very much then, I haven't forgotten them but have found that they don't hurt the same anymore. Time took care of that.

                      However, I am wondering if this is helping you at all. If maybe it might make your physical pain worse. Stressing you too. Have you tried talking with him when he calms down? I wonder if that might help. I know that the first reaction at not having your wishes come true is anger, but I think I also see something else here. I wonder if he is only getting more frustrated seeing you not being able to do what you all used to do before. Sort of like when we have felt at finding out our limitations and having to cope with them which brings out the anger. Maybe he is not necessarily angry at you but at what life is doing to you. You know what I mean?

                      I don't know, I may be wrong but I honestly think a counselor would help out during this time. It seems to me things are changing too fast and too much for both of you, which is causing all this turmoil in your home.

                      Hang on in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope he will open his eyes soon.

                      Raven
                      Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. ~Victor Hugo~

                      A warrior is not one who always wins,
                      but one who keeps on fighting to the end ~ Unknown ~

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                        #12
                        Originally posted by Raven View Post
                        I wonder if he is only getting more frustrated seeing you not being able to do what you all used to do before. Sort of like when we have felt at finding out our limitations and having to cope with them which brings out the anger. Maybe he is not necessarily angry at you but at what life is doing to you. You know what I mean?
                        Great point! I think you might have something there...plus he is probably terrified of what will happen to him IF...
                        I don't know, I may be wrong but I honestly think a counselor would help out during this time. It seems to me things are changing too fast and too much for both of you, which is causing all this turmoil in your home.
                        I agree. Good thoughts, Raven.

                        If you can talk to him, why not show him this place - Eagle Rock School and see how he feels about trying out an avenue such as that? There are some programs out there no cost, or low cost that might be a good option to consider at this time.

                        For HIS sake, he needs to learn respect and needs strong guidance. He will never have a sucessful relationship, or career without that lesson.

                        Sorry this is so hard, Cass. God gives them to us small & cute so we'll love them when they're ugly teenagers.
                        ____________________

                        "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
                        - Barack Obama

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                          #13
                          I gree with NQ time to kick the spoiled little brat out.

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                            #14
                            You guys do know that kicking them out isn't really a legally viable option for the most part, right? I was told that 1000 times but it's not really possible in our society. You can make it so hellish they don't want to come home, but at least in my state, you can't change the locks.

                            Just as well. He doesn't need to be on the street, and this woman loves him with every cell in her body. I could have easily thrown my liver out as my son, at 16, and my liver was much nicer to me.

                            I found counseling, both individual and family, did help. It's a crapshoot finding a counselor but worth it if you score.

                            I wish I had some wisdom. All I ever figured out was to hang on by my toenails. It helped to hear that other families had problems and survived them. Remembering that I was a fairly horrible teenager that grew up to love and care for my parents helped too.

                            When I was 14, I found my newly divorced mother's birth control pills while snooping in her room-then had the audacity to call her a slut! She had the good sense to slap my face off. I'm still mortified that I was such a brat.

                            Remembering my own transgressions helped me to forgive a lot of my sons. I've probably forgiven him too many, but there aren't many options. All you can do is set goals (Like we WILL survive this week, then this summer, then this school year) and one day, after what was 2 years but felt like 10, voila. They've graduated.

                            Then you set another goal. Rinse, repeat.

                            It IS abusive to call your mother a bitch. He knows that, that's why he did it. Remember testosterone is a drug, and a poison. Adrenaline is too. You can't argue with a person on drugs, so you have to endure until the passion is spent, everybody is calmed down. THEN you discuss.

                            Rinse, repeat.

                            Mothers are a tough breed. I think disabled mothers are tougher than most. But you have to listen to your body. I had to literally leave once, when the stress had its way and I had graves disease as a result. Cass doesn't have a spouse to leave her son with. So scoping out a place for him, should you truly break, is only reasonable. What's more, Cass will feel better once that option is identified. Sometimes everybody just needs to know it exists, whether it is military school, grandpa's farm or some place in Samoa where they beat the crap out of your kids for a fee.

                            PS-Put a lock on your bedroom door. Everybody needs a bolthole, ESPECIALLY disabled mothers of teenage boys. Don't get some tinker toy lock either. I'm talking deadbolt here. Sometimes you want to retreat and they want to be in your face, which is abusive bullshit which can only be cured with a lock, which you control.

                            I wish I could tell you to get a taser. They have all these advantages-youth, strength, the belief that they are utterly right and you are utterly wrong, health, endurance, sheer bullheaded ignorance, etc. A damn taser would level the playing field. Alas, I cannot recommend you buy a taser...

                            PPS-Make sure he knows the minute he gets physical, you're calling the law. And once that Pandora's box is opened, there is no closing it. Likely, the law will do nothing, but again it all depends on your state. He might wind up in juvie, or foster care. Or being fined $5K, which you will have to pay. It might be a good idea to know all this before it ever gets to that point, just in case it ever does. But never show him that you fear getting the law involved. He needs to know that menchildren can have consequences. This generation tends to believe that consequences are only for parents.
                            Last edited by betheny; 3 May 2009, 7:11 PM.
                            Blog:
                            Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by canuck View Post
                              I gree with NQ time to kick the spoiled little brat out.
                              ....... hmmmmm ..... interesting ..... is this a gender issue ...... female - more tolerant .... male - less so ........ without all the facts .. how can you possibly know when enough is enough ??????? just sayin' .... and I believe tough love can work so don't get me wrong .....

                              Obie
                              ETA - after Beth's post ........... damn you're a smart womyn I wish I'd said that !!
                              Last edited by Obieone; 3 May 2009, 7:07 PM.
                              ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


                              " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
                              Jane Siberry

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