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    I am just going to play devil advocate for a moment, feel free to tell me off. You might even feel better if you tell me to go to hell.

    Might your therapist be saying that if you can't get passed the feeling that you are in some way responsible, perhaps you were responsible for signing papers (which everyone that isn't religiously opposed to signs). But then what happened after that was out of your hands? Would you feel better if you could say, "Yes, I had a gut feeling this was going to not work well, but I did the best I could in that situation." After you signed the papers, the responsibility for your health was passed on to professionals.

    Would you tell anyone else that they shouldn't have the procedure done if it was medically necessary?

    Do you want to share the responsibility so that you have some control over what happened? The point at which you lost control might be why you are struggling. Especially given how driven and talented you are, it must be frustrating to know that you handed control to someone else. But you didn't have a reasonable reason to not sign. You had to have a procedure done. You signed standard documents. You did not sign papers that said, you are choosing to be SCI until a cure is found.

    Have you had tough decisions since then and worried about the outcome but went ahead anyway? Did they all turn out horrible?

    Getting stuck in that cycle in your mind is horrible. I liken it to a slot machine, images just whirling through and then it stops when you get 3 lemons in a row and stressing about that thought until it is exhausting and nauseating.

    If your therapist is causing you stress, tell that person. They may not realize the way you are interpreting their words, or they may just suck.

    I sent you a pm a while ago. Use me as a resource if you want to. I am not SCI, but I don't like to see people torturing themselves with the "what ifs." You have a huge group of people who care for you, I am one of those people...please don't stop fighting.

    Last edited by zilnh; 20 Dec 2008, 12:12 AM. Reason: Spelling
    I wished upon a falling star, I wished it had not fallen...