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    I can't take it anymore

    My husband was an asshole before, but not as bad, but now, things just suck. We don't get along at all and I am so resentful of all that I have done for him since his accident. I am letting my life pass me by and why? HE IS A JERK. We haven't had sex in years, and I only say that to give you an indication of where the intimacy level is with us. It is not my fault he was hurt, it is not my fault he is angry at the world, I just want to be happy. I have children and it is hurting them too. We tried counseling and everything else. I guess, really, I don't care what our friends think, they know he is a jerk. I feel bad for the kids because they will be devastated if we divorce because they feel sorry for him. I guess what I am looking for at this point is someone to tell me they divorced successfully and the kids were ok and their significant other was ok. He is a paraplegic by the way.

    #2
    Hard spot there, I really don't have any advice to give , but I can send some prayers for your kids and you. The kids are THE most important thing in this situation, be kind and be careful. good luck.

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      #3
      If it hasn't been long since his accident give him a chance. If its been awhile leave him.
      Say what you mean and mean what you say because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind.

      My Myspace


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        #4
        If he is unwilling to meet you halfway to make things better it is ok for you to consider walking away. It is not right for kids to be raised in a negative environment. Maybe when he faces the reality of you leaving he will come around.

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          #5
          Hi,I am a kid of divorced parents. I thought it might be helpful to see it from a kids view. My parents fought for a few years before their divorce, and i know they tried to hide it but i could tell. I saw how unhappy my mom was with their marriage and when she left it just about killed my dad. It was hard to see, but at the same time I was glad to see her getting out of a life she was unhappy in. I will say i was mad at my mom for leaving and walking out but as I'm growing up I see what it is to be trapped in a relationship were things just stop working. If you do decide to divorce your husband, don't hide the truth from your kids. When you take the first step it is very easy for the kids to see it as your fault and you giving up. Make sure you explain to them how unhappy you and your husband both were and how even though you tried it just didn't work out. Never put your kids in the middle of it and make them choose who to live with... If possible have them split time between the two houses.Hope this helps, in the end though its really your decision.
          MandyRae

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            #6
            Happens all the time. BREATHE.

            SCI is like aging overnight. Have you ever noticed that whatever you are in youth, you become more so as you age? The neat freak becomes a controlling anal retentive. A lush becomes a drunkard. A slob becomes slovenly. The noncomformist becomes eccentric.

            The grouch becomes an asshole.

            I've seen it more times than I can say.

            I won't tell you what to do. I WILL say that he has no right to be abusive to you or your kids, and emotional abuse counts. Your life is as important as his, and the kids come first. Good luck.
            Blog:
            Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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              #7
              I'm not a child of divorce, but I have seen my sister and her kids go through a divorce (minus the injury of course). She stayed for a long time, thinking that it was better for the kids, scared that they would be the devastated ones. It was hard on them, no doubt, when she finally did leave. But I think that now they both realize that their parents are happier apart, and that they are happier when they don't have to be in the middle of a nasty situation every single day.

              It's a tough spot, I'm sure. Definitely one I hope to never have to deal with myself, but if things aren't working, they aren't working. I don't think you should feel obligated to stay just because he has an injury. It's no excuse for a bad attitude toward you.
              If there is light
              it will find
              you

              --Charles Bukowski

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                #8
                I just got divorce 4 months ago and it's hard on everybody, ex-wife is always telling me that she can't really forget about us, she tries to be happy without me but I'm always on here mind, just make sure that a divorces is what you ready want.

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                  #9
                  Wow, thanks for the quick responses. It is nice to seek advice here and be supported. I would not leave him for his injury alone, but I find myself so often laughing out loud literally like (here is an example) "Oh my god, I just friggen washed the bed sheets he crapped and pee'd on and he is cussing at me because I left hair (I have very long hair) on the shower floor!?!? Ok, so maybe that was too much info, but I had to give an accurate analogy. This kind of thing happens constantly.

                  Here is another one...... I am lazy because after I work all day and come home and clean and cook, he is pissed if I don't feel like going with him and the kids half way across town so he can buy a ??? it could be anything, a cd, a dvd, a hamburger. And yes, he does drive.... So yea, I am called "lazy" and yet he slept all day while I worked and the kids were at school....


                  It has been a little over 3 years since he was hurt.

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                    #10
                    Wow!

                    Originally posted by betheny View Post
                    Happens all the time. BREATHE.

                    SCI is like aging overnight. Have you ever noticed that whatever you are in youth, you become more so as you age? The neat freak becomes a controlling anal retentive. A lush becomes a drunkard. A slob becomes slovenly. The noncomformist becomes eccentric.

                    The grouch becomes an asshole.

                    I've seen it more times than I can say.
                    You couldn't have said it better.... This really hit the nail on the head!

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                      #11
                      Do what you know is best for you and your kids. Don't even consider the fact that your husband's in a chair...an asshole is an asshole, whether he/she rides a chair or walks. SCI doesn't come with a free pass to abuse the people who care about us.
                      "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." -Gloria Steinem

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                        #12
                        With the caveat, I'm only hearing one side of this story, I'd say go. That is abusive BS. He wants you to leave or he wouldn't treat you like that. So go.

                        I always say I have NEVER complained about a meal somebody else cooked. I never have my family bring me coffee or something without saying thank you. I would NEVER complain b/c it isn't in my favorite cup. Our spouses are not our servants. And what if you were his servant? Would you quit?

                        3 years is long enough injured. No para should be laying in bed all day, unless he's sick or a nightowl. And nobody should treat his wife as you described.

                        PS-My parents divorced when I was 13. It was very hard; just a bloody bitter divorce, plus Dad was an attorney which made it worse. I never wished them back together. I hated the decades of fighting.
                        Blog:
                        Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

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                          #13
                          Oh god, when does this kick in? I did have my first hangover in like 10 years on the last cruise. hmmm

                          Originally posted by betheny View Post
                          SCI is like aging overnight. Have you ever noticed that whatever you are in youth, you become more so as you age? The neat freak becomes a controlling anal retentive. A lush becomes a drunkard. A slob becomes slovenly. The noncomformist becomes eccentric.

                          The grouch becomes an asshole.

                          I've seen it more times than I can say.
                          Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

                          Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

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                            #14
                            It took my friend a good three years before he could see himself as normal again because he was depressed after his accident. It took him a while to adjust to his new situation in a wheelchair. Even now, he still has moments when he goes ballistic over a sore or the fact that he cannot drink as much as his friends.

                            I am going to play devil's advocate here and say that you need to dig down to the core and see what the problem is. Is your husband depressed? You don't seem like you are sensitive to his situation either. With your comment about him peeing and defecating the sheets, I really don't see your sensitivity. I realize you forgot hair in the shower, but unlike his accident on the sheets, you could control the hair in the shower, whereas he cannot control his bowel and bladder.

                            What type of injury does your husband have?

                            I think good sex is the answer to all your misplaced anger and your poor husband is just angry that he hasn't gotten any ass from his wife in years.

                            Have you ever thought that giving him some affection and a good blowjob might change his attitude?!?!

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                              #15
                              I have to ask a question, do you treat him and show him, that you do still think he is the man he was before the accident? Or do you act weird around him? Do you tell him how much you still love him, and how you don't see the chair at all? You just see the man sitting in the chair? If not, that could be a big cause. Don't get me wrong, he shoudn't be an asshole to you but when I was still dealing with my issues, I would snap sometimes.

                              Even now I'm 4 years post, and I still can't keep a relationship but if I had kids, I don't see what the issue is, if you show him you do still see him as the man he use to be and he still treats you like hell, then give him the shaft.

                              Sex seems like a big deal to you, as it should, but does your husband know he has options of injections? Sure he doesn't want to stick a needle in his dick but if he's a para he could have extra issues getting an erection. I guess this would be more in the Relationship and sexuality forum but what attempts have you and your husband made to have sex? I hope to god you just didn't try it without any medications or any injections. If the man can't get a hard on, and you try to have sex, the first time it doesn't work and he doesn't feel like he has any options to go to, he will definatty be sexually frustrated and isolate you as well.

                              If on the other hand, he can successfully get an erection and still doesn't want to have sex with you then there is a bigger issue at hand. Also is he on depression pills? Depression pills really kill your sex drive, when I was on them I could careless about a vagina or anything else in the world.

                              So I guess to wrap this up, if you feel you did your best at trying to make your husband happy and he isn't meeting you halfway then you really don't have any other choice. It takes two to make a relationship work.
                              Last edited by mr_coffee; 29 Nov 2008, 4:30 AM.
                              Injured:10-16-04
                              C7/C8, T1 incomplete;


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