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little peek into my book

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    little peek into my book

    Anyone who has read my posts before is probably aware that I'm writing a book. So after much debating I've decided to post a small section of my book to see what everyone thinks. Please leave constructive critism to let me know what you think of it


    “Are you two ready yet?” Ayden said impatiently as they finished putting their gear on and checked the bindings on the board. “You two are worse then an old married couple…”
    “We are not slower then you and Emma…” Landon jabbed playfully as he swung his board across his shoulder and headed towards the door.
    “That’s not fair, my wife is seven months pregnant.” Ayden shot back defensively.
    “That doesn’t make up for you…” Landon shot back not missing a beat. Laughing they followed each other out the door and strapped a foot into their snowboards and began to push themselves to the chairlift through the fresh powder that was still falling around them.
    “Want to ride triple?” Addisyn asked waiting for them to adjust their bindings.
    “Sure” Ayden said lining up with her while Landon got on the other side. Watching they waited for the next chair to pass then pushed themselves out onto the landing stopping at the red line preparing to sit on the chair. Letting it sweep them up they closed the bar securing them and adjusted their boards so they wouldn’t hit each other and waited as it carried them up the hill.
    “So what’s Emma up to today?” Addisyn asked curious about what her best friend was doing while her husband was on the hill.
    “She’s nursery shopping with her mom. I told her to wait till after Saturday, but for some reason she wants to get it done now.”
    Smiling Addisyn could picture Emma and her mom picking out a crib and arguing over every detail. Letting her thoughts drift around she watched as a kid around twelve ride the chair line doing every trick he was probably capable of, trying to impress the crowd. She could remember doing this when she was younger, flying down the hill, hitting every little jump to do a one eighty, waiting for the crowds reaction. Pretty much just loving that she could get people to clap or smile at her. Now she would have hundreds of people watching her at any given competition, cheering for her to whip out her best tricks. In fact it had been a time she was riding the chair line that a Ride sponsor had seen her and took interest.
    Smiling at the thoughts she felt Landon’s elbow jab into her side as he raised the bar and turned his powerful body sideways to unload. Gently the chair brought them to the raised platform and they slid down and out of the way before strapping their other foot in.
    “What trail?” Ayden asked the question as they all settled their goggles on their face to protect their eyes from the snow that was falling.
    “Lets take the terrain park…” Landon suggested rocking back and forth on his board making sure his it was right. “I have to get this seven-twenty before Friday or I might just loose this comp.”
    “Yeah, it would be pretty embarrassing if you got your ass kicked by you best friend, or even your girlfriend at that.” Laughing Ayden took off down the hill laughing as he made a sharp corner towards the terrain park.
    “Don’t worry I won’t embarrass you, I’ll just make you eat my snow…” With that Addisyn dropped in down the hill leaving Landon stunned to his spot. Smiling at her joke she hit a drop and did a reverse before turning to follow Ayden.


    So there you go! Let me know what you think : )
    MandyRae

    #2
    Sounds good. Have you got the front of the book (can't think of the name) done? Where it tells what the book is about. Would like to read that.
    sigpic

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      #3
      I know it's really hard to post personal writing so I admire you for that. I'm also writing a book.

      It's hard, without you setting that passage into context, to judge it completely. What's the book about? Are you trying to build characters in the section you've posted? Is it just for friends and family or do you aim to try and get it published?

      Your writing is best when you keep it in shorter sentences. Punchy. Sharp dialogue. Re-read everything you write and ask yourself if you would definitely understand it if you weren't reading your own words. I'm often guilty of that.

      Keep it up. I'd read more. I sense an SCI is on the horizon.
      C5/6 incomplete

      "I assume you all have guns and crack....."

      Comment


        #4
        I like the way you set the scene.

        So far, it makes me want to turn the page and continue reading.

        Keep it up, nice writing.
        T7-8 since Feb 2005

        Comment


          #5
          Hey Everyone... Thanks for the Posts!

          I'm really glad you guys liked it, i was really scared to post it on here.

          Mona:
          To answer you question the summary thing on the back (not sure whats it called either) is going to go a little something like this but not exactly

          "True love can stand throught out the trials of time. Or can it? Addisyn has everything anyone could ever dream of. She has a career that takes her out of the office and puts her on mountains and in foriegn countries, A wonderful new home, and a boyfriend, Landon, to share it all with. But when Landon life is changed in an instant so is hers. She finds everything fimilar suddenly spinning out of control and is wondering if she can hold on for the ride."

          Rehab Rhino:
          Yes, this is in the beginning of the book where i'm trying to introduce the characters and let you get to know them before tragedy happens so it has a greater impact to the reader. I'm not quiet sure if I will ever have the guts to publish it, so far the only people who have read it are my two best friends. Thanks about your little tip on punchy sentences... I have a nack to go into great detail and get a little boring lol.

          Sjean423: Thanks!
          Last edited by MandyRae; 15 Oct 2008, 10:45 PM.
          MandyRae

          Comment


            #6
            Thanks Mandy. That helps alot to understand where it's headed.
            Sounds good! Let us know if you do publish it.
            sigpic

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by MandyRae
              Hey Everyone... Thanks for the Posts!

              I'm really glad you guys liked it, i was really scared to post it on here.

              "True love can stand throught out the trials of time. Or can it? Addisyn has everything anyone could ever dream of. She has a career that takes her out of the office and puts her on mountains and in foriegn countries, A wonderful new home, and a boyfriend, Landon, to share it all with. But when Landon life is changed in an instant so is hers. She finds everything fimilar suddenly spinning out of control and is wondering if she can hold on for the ride."
              Hi MandyRae,

              I edited it a little bit. I couldn't resist!

              Originally posted by MandyRae
              "True love can stand the trial of time. Or can it? Addisyn has everything anyone could ever dream of. She has a career that takes her out of the office and puts her on mountains and in foreign lands. A beautiful new home and a boyfriend named Landon to share it all with. But when Landon's life is changed in an instant, so is hers. She finds everything that was familiar to her suddenly spinning out of control and wonders if she can hold on for the ride."
              Thanks for posting.

              Bob.
              "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

              Comment


                #8
                blurb

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thanks Bob for editing. I just whipped that out in a few minutes and I love your improvements!
                  MandyRae

                  Comment


                    #10
                    MandyRae - nice job, good effort.

                    My message is pretty simple and along the same lines as Bob: edit.

                    Your book reads, as it should initially, as a stream of consciousness. I believe that the editing process will be your friend as the you leave out the extraordinary and unnecessary detail about every emotion and nuance and allow your reader to interpret the characters, sensibilities and scenes in their own imagination.

                    Unless your book is autobiographical or historical I'd simply say that less is more. Have faith in your readers.

                    Have fun and good luck.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I think you use adverbs a little too often, especially in those first paragraphs and Laughing and Smiling come up in the last paragraphs too much. I suppose this is what Chris is saying also. I can set the scene in my mind with your descriptions but I would leave out the above mentioned if I were you.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thanks Jesse's mom and chris for the help!
                        MandyRae

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Sounds great Mandy. I want more! You have one sold to me already!

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Thanks quad79 it really means alot that people like it. it gives me a reason to go on with it
                            MandyRae

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Just an update:

                              The book is still coming slowly but surely lol. Thanks for everyones help... if you want more email me and i would be more than glad to send you a section!!!
                              MandyRae

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