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My baby is in the jailhouse. Motherhood sucks.

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    My baby is in the jailhouse. Motherhood sucks.

    My 19 yr. old has been flirting w/ disaster for, well, since birth. But he is now legal age. The past few weeks he's had girlfriend problems. He's been coming home RETARDED on pills. I don't mean this as a slam to the mentally challenged. I mean this kid takes a 5 mg Lortab and retards all mental function.

    It is so frightening. Stumbling, slurring, alternating between "Love love you Mom" and "F***ing bitch." I talked him into doing a urine drug test the other night (the retarded are surprisingly malleable). Positive for opiates, benzos, pot. I'm sure I probably take more drugs than he does for breakfast on a bad day, but I go to pain management, I have legitimate pain, I don't drink with pills, I'm not out driving. What Jake is doing here is abusing drugs. And they're abusing him right back.

    On Friday, he and some kids he has no business running with (younger, privileged and apparently under the impression they are white, suburban gang members) got drunk and went to a local high school football game. At a high school Jake was expelled from, years ago. I'm sure the red alert went up the moment he stepped on the property.

    So he went to jail for public intoxication, a truly minor offense. So far, I'm leaving him there. He can't bail himself out b/c he doesn't have $160 and a bondsman won't even be bothered with such a trivial amount. It's a small-town jail, he didn't wind up in Oklahoma City, which could get ugly. He's probably in a cell by himself. He wasn't driving, which would have made this into a truly big deal. He got lucky; he's been DWR (Driving While Retarded) plenty of late.

    He can't believe he's still in jail for what is a 12-hr offense. I told him before he left that night that I was making changes. He was headed for trouble and I'm not bailing him out. (I literally told him, you're going to wind up in jail and I'm not bailing you out. He called within 6 hrs., from jail.) I told him the next time I see him retarded on drugs,I take the car. The next time he cusses me out, he goes to a homeless shelter. Pretty sure he heard whaawhaaa wha. Maybe a blahblah for emphasis. I expect they'll need the cell and boot him out at some point. They could keep him 10 days before they bring him before a judge.

    He's not physically dependent on the drugs. Yet. I took some from him and ran them thru the garbage disposal before he went to Kansas for the MIL surgery ordeal and he was fine up there. He doesn't sound sick on the phone. So he's not in jail, in withdrawals.

    I think he does need help of some sort. Don't know what to do. I think he'd go to rehab, but they need the spots for the heavily addicted. Maybe there's a different kind of treatment? I'm going to try to get him a shrink appt tomorrow (tried on Fri, their computer system was down.)

    I feel so lucky he fell between the cracks and got to sample a weekend in the penal system for a minor infraction. But with my family's history, the addiction situation can get out of hand quickly. My brother is 42, (the brother that's not dead from-wait for it-ADDICTION) and in a halfway house. He's spent 4 years of his life at that place, all told. My Dad always bailed him out as a kid, and well into his 30's. I'm not doing that to Jake, because A. I don't have that kind of money and B. I don't want that life for him.

    Those drugs will kill ya. I've seen them kill professional pill takers. My friend Patti, no pill novice, managed to die of an abscessed tooth. She OD'd on the pills they'd given her for pain. This is a woman who had taken a boatload of pills in her lifetime, and it was absolutely accidental. My heart is still broken by that. By now I know it always will be.

    So this is my weekend. Did you know they are allowed unlimited phone calls from jail? Collect calls. $6.00 for the first 5 minutes. Absolute ROBBERY.

    Anybody want to tell me it will be OK? Survived the same thing? Parents made you stay in jail and it was a good decision? I'm suffering severe maternal guilt, my baby's in the jailhouse because of me. Although, like I keep telling him, he's really in the jailhouse because of HIM.
    Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

    Can't offer any of the suggested categories of support but I'm sorry for most of what you're going through, what I can relate to never having been a parent or had a drug problem.Can I say you might contrast and be relieved that Jake's not institutionally brainwashed and dead set on fighting the evils of terrorism as a soldier in the Imperial army. Oh darn, I just did it anyway. I do wish you luck and think you're doing right/best by leaving him to his own devices in the cooler for the duration.
    "The world will not perish for want of wonders but for want of wonder."


      I think you're doing the absolute best thing you can do for him.
      You don't want him to end up paralyzed.
      That's where he's headed driving under the influence. or worse dead.
      God loves us and doesn't run to our aide every time we cry out.
      God allows us to work through our difficulties and learn from our experiences.
      He needs to know you mean what you say and he'll reap what he sows.


        as a parent of a 18 and 22-year-old, I can only say my heart goes out to you. I understand the hell you must be going through. I hope your son is scared straight by his jail time (at least long enough to figure out something constructive to do with his life besides taking pills).

        I think the hardest part of parenting at this age is to recognize how little our influence is.
        Last edited by Wesley; 14 Sep 2008, 12:49 PM.


          He needs a gooooood girlfriend, not a caner or a drinker. Well brought up but hot as f*ck, keeps him locked up in her bedroom, teaches him how to cook, dress and treat women (not that you haven't done this but speaking as a once errant boy it's far more persuasive when there's hot teenage monkey sex at stake )
          C5/6 incomplete

          "I assume you all have guns and crack....."


            Your son is bored. Enroll him in an acting class at the local comnmunity college. It's probably about the same price as his bail. Get him excited about something, other than going to a high school football game.


              That sucks Betheny. My kids are small so I'm holding my breath. I did watch my sister go through tthis. She even stole my truck one time. I used to go through her purse and steal her drugs, throw them away and watch her FREAK OUT looking for stuff, she wouldn't tell me what. SHe was about 18 then. I was 23, single mom with a newborn and POd that she would risk my vehicle driving around with drugs in it when I was working my butt off. I disowned her for a while which wasn't right. I never realized it was drugs not her doing everything until later. My parents tried everything and it seemed nothing worked.
              Anyway she did grow up one day but I don't know what got her out of it. It seemed to be time and getting a baby of her own. However I do not think that is a good solution for Jake!!! Some days even now I can see she still struggles with some things. I wish I was closer than 10 hours to her.
              I have no advice just my own story.

              ETA my sister does not do drugs now but sometimes has poor coping skills. She gets stressed out easily which was made her turn to drinking drugs when she was younger. Thought I'd mention that it was bothering me.
              Last edited by addiesue; 14 Sep 2008, 7:12 PM.
              If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

              Sometimes it is easier to widen doors than it is to open minds.


                Sorry to hear what's going on.

                I think you know you can't keep saving your son from himself. You can only do so much, and ultimately, he's made these choices. You know, we can hear about 'consequences' all the time, but sometimes, unless we live thru it, forced to face it and feel it's reality directly, it can have a hard time really sinking in.

                It may not feel like it now, but you'll survive. Hope the psych appt helps you figure some things out and directs him to some treatment. If getting an appt w/psych doesn't work, probably a social worker may be alternative (psych will probably refer that way anyway). They may be able to best direct you to services he needs.

                btw. I think my mom is trying some 'do-over' with her first grand-child (my sis' baby)... do things better so THIS child doesn't screw up .. I think guilt is inevitable... at least in the sense that a mother/parent may always wish there was something more they could have done, or could be doing...


                  Sorry Betheny, seems like you're at a low low. Things can only go up from here, right? Right?


                    I think you are doing the right thing by making him sit & serve his time.

                    I have a brother who was always getting into trouble. He's been busted with pot on a few occasions, has 2 DUI's, and has spent many nights in jail. My parents always bailed him out & made sure he had a good lawyer. Oh and everytime he wrecked a vehicle from drunk driving they always helped him get another car. I always would be saying "how is he ever going to learn?!"

                    Anyways...he now has a really good job, doesn't party, owns a house & has a daughter.

                    The thing that really changed him was finding a good girl & settling down. I think girls help guys out alot to change for the better. They keep them occupied so they aren't out getting into trouble.
                    Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.


                      Sorry to hear Beth ....I am not a parent but I know how my Dad was feeling as a colonel [prison warden]when I did stupid things as a teen fighting ,party too much and having too many girlfriends.I spent 6 hrs in jail as well ..I Kicked a drunk police officer ass and I took his gun .My Dad was very angry and he teached me to Never drink and drive ,Never fight [self defence only],use a condom always [if you are not married and like sexual adventures] other words respect the law and not to play Superman.


                        If you recall, my niece went through some rough times .. now my sister and her husband are stuck bailing her out of trouble because she's used to it.

                        I agree with RehabRhino and gurly's advice about a gal in his life.

                        Is he working right now or going to school? Surely those things should keep him somewhat busy!

                        My niece takes her meds for 'issues' but still thinks she can drink and smoke pot ... the problem is that interacts with the meds she's taking for the 'issues' and she just cannot do it like her friends do. She'll be 24 next month and I'm hoping she gets tired of the bar scene soon. I was all over it by 22. I had my own apartment and car payments to make by then. She still has no ambition, living at home and can't manage to pay her own car insurance - evening though she's working full time at a gas station. I really worry about her and her future.

                        Couldn't have been more excellent timing though when you told him things were going to change and then he ended up in the drunk tank!
                        Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

                        T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12


                          I really liked the girl he just broke up with, which I think precipitated this whole crazy spell. He was working, but they cut his hours. He def needs a real job. I'm sure he has no job now. They don't give you Jail Days.

                          Now he's in jail wondering if his grandma's dying. That cut his whining down some, hearing she's in ICU.

                          I said "Jake, it's called consequences. You're learning them. Your grandma is in ICU. If she dies, you get to go to her funeral. You keep up the BS, and wind up in prison, you don't. Prisoners only go to funerals in movies. Now I need to do some laundry and you need to pray."

                          OK, I made up the movie part but I suspect it's true.

                          ETA-Addiesue, I had to cut my bro out after Jake was born. I suddenly realized I had done a poor job of defending my life from his drunken chaos, but that I'd make sure my kid wasn't exposed to it. HATED that, my bro was so good w/ boys, loved to camp and fish and was really just a boy himself. (A 49 yr old one, when he died. I guess that was the problem.) You can't expose little kids to crazy addicts. It's not safe. I do regret missing so much time with the crazy drunken SOB though...

                          Jenn-Those meds don't work w/ alcohol. Duhhhh. I was done clubbing by then, too. At least every night.
                          Last edited by betheny; 14 Sep 2008, 3:27 PM.
                          Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?


                            I am sorry for you, Beth.
                            I think you do the right thing, I have my experience with difficult boys. My oldest came home from Kosova, he was a UN peace soldier, and for seven month he laid on my couch, doing nothing. No school, no job and he got 1500 dollars a month and he would not give me anything for food and housing. At that time I had much less for food and daily stuff and two other children.

                            I kicked him out of the house. And now he is taking a Master degree and have a girlfriend and his own appartment and a job besides. He is doing good and I am sure if I did not kick him out, he would still have been on my couch. He is still angry on me for it, makes me sad, but I am sure I did the right thing, like I am sure you are doing the right thing.

                            My small one is not the most easy either, 12 years old and going with bad boys on 14-15. I have called the police for help, I can't handle the situation alone anymore.

                            I hope you find a solution for him, I don't know what kind of help you can get in the US. And I know how hard it is to ask for help, you feel like the most unsuccessful mother, I know I do.
                            TH 12, 43 years post


                              WFE, your baby is 12 now??? Wow, time flies. You must be scared to death. You keep your thumb on her, and I'll keep my thumb on mine, and maybe it will work out.

                              I'd just rather be a failure b/c I tried, rather than b/c I didn't, you know? As a parent, it's always easier to let stuff slide. Until it slides right on top of us.

                              I gotcher back, for what that's worth.

                              Err, just realized your baby is a boy. Somehow that hlps. I was think Oh crap, a 12 yr old girl going w/ 15 yr old boys! Still trouble, hanging w/ the older kids.
                              Last edited by betheny; 14 Sep 2008, 3:48 PM.
                              Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?