not been a good Dad

[shelley]

I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.

I agree with most of what you have said, but you do sound harsh.

I find, generally speaking, therapists want to blame parents for just about everything. Most of the time they are parents too, and not perfect themselves. (this is a generalization, and not specifically directed at you)

I'm all for self-improvement. Acknowledgement, sincere apologies, and change are necessary, but when a persons intention is in the right place, but they still make some mistakes ~ that also needs to be acknowledged.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic.

[zillazangel]

I'm not trying to argue with your premise Schmeky, its good advice. But perhaps you know more about this particular situation than you let on, but if not, it is probably a bit presumptuous to say that he emotionally abandoned his kids.

(unrelated from here on out to schemky..)

Before I became a parent, I walked about with a superiority complex about raising kids. I didn't even realize that's how I was, but when I had a kid I was quickly and massively humbled. What seemed so obvious, so easy ... wasn't.

Whatever your situation remember that its a jungle out there.

[betheny]

LOL, Ami, my childless stepbrother has always been highly critical of my kid and my parenting. His SO is now expecting. I'm torn between hoping for an angelic addition to the family and a holy terror that makes him eat his words!

Parenting-it's a crapshoot. You pray for sevens and play the best game you can.

[Tiger Racing]

I'm not trying to argue with your premise Schmeky, its good advice. But perhaps you know more about this particular situation than you let on, but if not, it is probably a bit presumptuous to say that he emotionally abandoned his kids.

Yeah, I wondered about that too. Did I miss something? Has the OP revealed a lot in other posts on other threads? I respected the fact that he felt he had done wrong and was willing to admit it and try to do better in the future, but I wouldn't take that information and leap to the conclusion that he's a loser as a father and has done serious harm to his children.

C.

[Timaru]

I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.

I hope to God you know a hell of a lot more about this situation than has been imparted here otherwise the OP would be well within his rights to wrap your infuriating psychobabble and shove................

[darkeyed_daisy]

I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.

I hope you know Duge personally otherwise you are jumping to some freakin big conclusions...

I use to respect therapists until I saw one with my daughter. She needed grief counseling. Even a dummy like me could see she was dealing with more loss than she could handle and taking it out on those she loved. The counselor tried to convince my daughter that everything was my fault. She told me so in my daughters presence....needless to say that bill went unpaid and will go unpaid as I think she was a big money hungry quack!!!!! My daughter even realized she was a quack after that visit. Now it is pretty bad when a 17 year old can point out an adult quack.

Just because the kid tells you that you screwed up does not always mean you really screwed up....kids these days are selfish and they like to make us feel guilty because we couldnt buy them new cars and take them on two week vacations to Maui.

Emotionally Duge probably did the best he could.....who are you to tell him what a loser he is?????

I once heard of a Gynecologist who stopped practicing because he was sued by the parents of a 15 year old juvenile delinquent. The reason the juvenile was so delinquent was all the doctor's fault. You know why? Because a therapist like you got on the witness stand and convinced a jury that he committed malpractice. It turns out the juvenile delinquent did not get to bond with his mother right after he was born because the child had complications (not caused by the doctor) and had to spend the first few days in an incubator away from his mother. As a result of his medical problems it was the doctors fault that he became a juvenile delinquent because he had an emotional attachment disorder.......

He probably just needed his ass busted a time or two when he was little and perhaps he wouldnt have grown up to be a juvenile delinquent!!!!!!

Duge dont be so hard on yourself.....we aint perfect and unless you were a child abuser then you probably did an okay job at parenting.

[duge]

I disagree with everyone saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You need to realize how negatively you have impacted your children. You must then suffer the consequences, realistically understand and analyze what your actions have done, then slowly try to rebuild your relationship as best you can. I have no sympathy for you, just sound therapeutic advice.

I suggest a good counselor or therapist that is experienced with Family of Origin issues and the consequences of trauma you have imparted on your children. You owe your children a sincere, emotional, from the gut apology, then you need to take action to fix the situation as best you can. Based on how you say you have treated your children, a reversal of your personality structure will not be an easy task.

As a therapist, I see this everyday I work. You have emotionally abandoned your children, a cycle not started by you (someone in your familial background imparted this onto you, I promise), however, if you work at it, and work at it with all your heart, you can save your children from repeating the same mistakes you made when they become adults.

I may sound harsh, but you screwed it up, now it's up to you to REALLY do something about it. But you will need help.

Well Schmeky, You have came to a awful lot of conclusions! you have no Idea of what I'm talking about, I don't know you and you don't know me! Yeah I fucked up alot, but for your information I never inflicted any kind of trauma on my family, kids, or anyone!! but you have drawn so many answer's to questions you have NO idea about. Your defff , not going to get rich as a counsler!, on my part anyway. And I never asked for sympathy, that's one thing I don't do. I was just trying to let other younger Dad's to know to try to be the nest Dad they could be, not having regrets later in life thats what I wanted, not your clinical evalutation of what you have no idea about!!! and never ever did I abuse any of my kids!!!! I got a litttle more class than that!

[Schmeky]

Well just in the last couple of weeks I have learned what a piss poor job of being a Dad that I did. Things I done,and didn't do, things I said, I had always said I knew that I had not been a good Dad, So let this be to you young Dad's out there.

Not jumping to conclusions. You state you never inflicted trauma, so why did you say "things I said". That's trauma. You said piss poor, things I done, things I said, you said you always knew you were not a good dad. These are tremendously revealing words.

What did I miss? There is little doubt you have inflicted psychological abuse on your children, by your own admission. My therapy is not about sympathy, but reality, about paying an emotional price for guilt.

Answer a few questions if you want:

1) Do you/did you drink and do drugs when your children were growing up?
2) Do any of your children drink or drug now?
3) Did your mother or father drink/drug when you were growing up?
4) Are you a war veteran?
5) Was your dad a war veteran?

Be honest with these simple questions.

I couldn't care less if others disagree. I see screwed up, mixed up, suicidal, hurting, alcoholic people 5 days a week, and 98% of the time it originates from the family of origin.

Lastly, a therapist should NEVER blame the client's parents, even though this is typically the source of the problem. The client should be made to understand the parent is/was the product of their parents, parents that were taught by their parents.

I am busier than I care to be, I stay booked up, I wish I weren't. There is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in many people's hearts. It originates in the family of origin.

Duge, please don't suffer from the elephant in the living room syndrome, i.e., a serious problem that is ignored and swept under the rug. I am not getting rich as a therapist, I do a lot of "Pro-Bono" work (free).

By your own admission, you are the nucleus of the problem. That's an excellent first step.

[Tiger Racing]

My therapy is not about sympathy, but reality

Nobody here is your patient. You have no business diagnosing anyone on the internet based on random comments and posts. How unethical is that anyway? Good gods, even lawyers are precluded from dispensing legal advice willy-nilly and many people think they are soulless bloodsuckers.

Set up a booth and charge a nickel when people ask for your "medical" opinion. Otherwise, keep your credentials to yourself. They don't prove your observations are correct, but they probably lend weight to them for some people. Again, how unethical is that?

C.

[Le Todd]

Schmeky,

How did you jump the gun this much after reading Duge's first post? I don't even think he stated what happened, but only wanted a little emotional support from us while going through a difficult time.

[Tiger Racing]

I don't even think he stated what happened, but only wanted a little emotional support from us while going through a difficult time.

I thought he wanted to offer an experienced word of caution to other fathers.

C.

[Le Todd]

I thought he wanted to offer an experienced word of caution to other fathers.

C.

You're right. Not being a father myself, I took more notice of his guilt and thus I offered support.

[duge]

I thought he wanted to offer an experienced word of caution to other fathers.

C.

Thank You!!!!!!!! That is excatly what I was trying to do! especially younger ones.

[Timaru]

Not jumping to conclusions. You state you never inflicted trauma, so why did you say "things I said". That's trauma. You said piss poor, things I done, things I said, you said you always knew you were not a good dad. These are tremendously revealing words.

What did I miss? There is little doubt you have inflicted psychological abuse on your children, by your own admission. My therapy is not about sympathy, but reality, about paying an emotional price for guilt.

Answer a few questions if you want:

1) Do you/did you drink and do drugs when your children were growing up?
2) Do any of your children drink or drug now?
3) Did your mother or father drink/drug when you were growing up?
4) Are you a war veteran?
5) Was your dad a war veteran?

Be honest with these simple questions.

I couldn't care less if others disagree. I see screwed up, mixed up, suicidal, hurting, alcoholic people 5 days a week, and 98% of the time it originates from the family of origin.

Lastly, a therapist should NEVER blame the client's parents, even though this is typically the source of the problem. The client should be made to understand the parent is/was the product of their parents, parents that were taught by their parents.

I am busier than I care to be, I stay booked up, I wish I weren't. There is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in many people's hearts. It originates in the family of origin.

Duge, please don't suffer from the elephant in the living room syndrome, i.e., a serious problem that is ignored and swept under the rug. I am not getting rich as a therapist, I do a lot of "Pro-Bono" work (free).

By your own admission, you are the nucleus of the problem. That's an excellent first step.

I see you put engineer as your occupation in your personal profile.

After reading the above I suggest you go back to the wrenches.