Family Communication Breakdown

[orangejello]

rbdorf and mem I somehow missed your last replies until now. You both are right, I have not said anything terrible or been disloyal to my family. I know at least two of my siblings do read the boards from time to time and neither seemed upset by this thread. I had this concern once before and somebody told me that not talking about it does not make something like a family problem go away, although I think it is true that avoiding can be the easy way out. That is probably one reason why I have been so avoidant lately because it is easier.


I don't know. I am still feeling really tired about everything and along with it being easier, I have not been all that motivated to address the issues that are creating tension and stress within my family. It's like I am worried about it and don't want it to get worse. But by the same token, I just can't find the energy or desire to actually go about solving things. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I am just thinking out loud here.

[BeeBee]

OJ: Perhaps you can turn the really bad meltdown incident into good. Broach the subject of the really bad day with that family member and talk to them about it. One on one, without other family members around. Explain to them that you're sorry you said some of the things you did, but also explain why. That you are overwhelmed and know they are, too. Since it was a mutual meltdown, they are probably feeling additional strain from it, too. Maybe sit down (okay, I know you already are, LOL) with that person and laugh and cry over that day. Take the opportunity to address specific issues and why they real issues versus the one-off instance. Just start with them: "I really want to talk about what happened the other day. It really bothers me that we no longer have the same relationship and I'd like clear the air and move on...." I would never take your situation and feelings of depence and helplessness away from you, you really got the short end of the stick, but SCI does happen to the whole family. Tell them you understand this, and that while they can never know what you are going through, you can never know what they're going through. Just acknowledge to them (and maybe to yourself, I don't know) that you understand this isn't easy for them, either. A little empathy can go a long way. I would have this conversation in your home or hospital (if that's where you are now) so that they are not in a stressful/caregiving situation. Not in a public place where your chair has to be moved, or your repirator worked with, etc. Maybe yell, maybe kiss, maybe cry, have a snack. But take some blame, you admit its partly you, but force that they take some, too. Let them have their say, they may have valid points and good ideas, and you have your say and what's really bothering you. I guess, in this long ramble, I'm suggesting a "meet in the middle" thing where you both get to finish the thing and the appologize. THEN, like Teena said, watch a movie or play a game or something that families just do.

[orangejello]

Thanks BeeBee. Your reply gave me a lot to think about and you idea of how and where to have a conversation about the issue was very helpful.

[LaMemChose]

Amanda, thinking outloud can be good, especially here. You know you're heard and not judged for what you say.

I doubt anything you write here will be upsetting to your siblings. Even if they were to get upset, that's on them, not you.

Sending **hugs** as you work through the dynamics in your family.

[orangejello]

Amanda, thinking outloud can be good, especially here. You know you're heard and not judged for what you say.

I doubt anything you write here will be upsetting to your siblings. Even if they were to get upset, that's on them, not you.

Sending **hugs** as you work through the dynamics in your family.

thanks mem

I am not so sure about the not judged thing here at care cure lol but you are very right that nobody in this thread has judged me. All the posts have been constructive advice and encouragement, which I appreciate since advice was what I was hoping for. But I am learning not to worry about being judged. It used to be a big problem in my life in general. I think I am very slowly learning to let that go. Which is a good thing.

I agree with you that nothing I wrote here would probably upset my family. We all have different ways of trying to solve the problem and mine was to get feedback here, I think they would understand that...at least I hope. Maybe not some. But that is okay.

Probably in any family you have a complex mix of personalities and once you throw in a lot of stress (my injury isn't the only large family stessor at the moment) communication break downs will happen. Anyways I am going to try bee bee's suggestion with the family members who I seem to be having the most difficulty with one at a time and see how that goes.

[BeeBee]

Good luck, OJ. I hope you get some resolution. Family stress can be the worst. Got a bit of that going on myself.
Don't let the judges get to you. If you take a look at the judges, you'll notice they judge every one and everything. Sometimes that's good, makes you take a look at a situation from a different view point. But mostly they just like to keep things "interesting".

[LaMemChose]

Hey, Amanda. I hear you on the not being judged at CC thing. If you stay out of politics, that'll remove much of the judgmental/name-calling/craziness. It can happen anywhere I suppose, but some forums and threads seem more prone to it than others.

The day to day gets to be a grind. It's been a really rough couple of weeks for you. You're feeling it, your family's feeling it. Even in the closest of families, communication can break down.

Just know you aren't alone, We're here for each other even though we're not physically together.

I hope today's a better day for you, for all of us.

[murrey]

Obieone

Obie, you should be a carpenter. I think you hit the nail pretty much on the head. The fears of not knowing what to do. Failure isn't an option in our social structure here...But thats according to the world standards.
I suppose if there was no struggle we would be unaware, asleep or dead. Caring takes time and everything seems to be a struggle. And on we go....We are listening Amanda

[orangejello]

Obie, you should be a carpenter. I think you hit the nail pretty much on the head. The fears of not knowing what to do. Failure isn't an option in our social structure here...But thats according to the world standards.
I suppose if there was no struggle we would be unaware, asleep or dead. Caring takes time and everything seems to be a struggle. And on we go....We are listening Amanda

Hi Murrey. I have not seen you around in awhile. I hope you are well. You are right that fear of the unknown or of doing or saying something wrong seems to be at the root of many of the communication problems my family is having. For them and for me as well. How to solve that is hard. You are also right about Obie knowing her stuff

[Le Todd]

How to solve that is hard.

You aren't kidding!

[orangejello]

The day to day gets to be a grind. It's been a really rough couple of weeks for you. You're feeling it, your family's feeling it. Even in the closest of families, communication can break down.

I hope today's a better day for you, for all of us.

It's a weird feeling when this becomes "day to day" isn't it? I don't know if it was denial or what, but dealing with all this stuff did not feel like it was day to day or permanent until fairly recently. It wasn't like I woke up one day and realized things were not going to change. Well maybe a bit of that. It was more of a dawning realization that as hard as I wanted to avoid or ignore things, that didn't make them go away. I don't know that it is a case that things are getting easier or harder. But that feeling of the day to day grind is really wearing me down and I think others in my family too. We will deal with it, I suppose. No choice as has been pointed out in this thread already.

We were a very close family before this. We still are. They are still there for me unconditionally. It just seems the dynamics are all screwed up and lines of communication that used to be open are really difficult or impossible sometimes now. But I took some of the advice in this thread. My mom and I had a long talk in a low stressful environment and got some mutual grievances out in the open. Not easy but it seems to be helping. I now have to try to do that with several other people in my family.

[Patonb]

I've fast read the responces, and did notice anyone suggest a famly counslor. There's obvious issues and things need solven, a counslor can help get dialog started and keep everything from getting to crazy.

Just a thought, i try to keep my family as far from my care as possible.

[orangejello]

I've fast read the responces, and did notice anyone suggest a famly counslor. There's obvious issues and things need solven, a counslor can help get dialog started and keep everything from getting to crazy.

Its a good idea and we have done family counselling. And continue to do it. It has been very helpful. But I don't know, it seems to have limited affect with some things. But for sure, I think any family in this situation would benefit from some type of counselling.

Just a thought, i try to keep my family as far from my care as possible

You know I really agree with you this is a big part of the problem. I would like to keep my family and my care separate. Well I don't know that I would ever really be able to do that. But I would prefer if their involvement was strictly on the advocating and emotional support side of things, rather than actually doing my physical care. And I have the funding for 24/7 outside care. It is just proving to be impossible to get the necessary skilled and reliable care right now to fill all the hours in the week. We have been working on ways to solve the staffing issues. It has gotten a bit better. But not much. Every week there are some shifts the agency can't cover because they are short staffed or people call in sick at the last minute. But I agree, my family and my care needs to be separated.

Sorry I feel like I am venting. I am venting. Not meaning to though. Today was one of those days that the day person called in 45 minutes before her 12 hour shift to say her child was sick and she wasn't coming. They found a replacement, but the shift starts at 9 am and she can't come until 2. So that meant my mom, then my sister will be picking up the slack. My mom had work commitments, my sister has a family of her own to deal with, including two infants. They had less than an hour to try and arrange things between them to make sure everything was covered. I makes me feel really helpless and useless when that happens. But right now my options are limited. It is things like this that contributes to the family stress. For now this is the best solution though so it is just like grin and bear it and go on to the next thing.

Sorry patonb. I didn't mean to rant off your response. I am just ranting in general. It just spun out of writing a response to your two very good points. I would have ranted anyways lol.

[LaMemChose]

Amanda, it's okay to rant, to get it out, to vent. This is one place to do it.

Unreliable help is a major PITA. I'd imagine it's extra-scary given the level of care you need.

Glad you and your Mom talked. Clearing the air, getting issues out and talked about may not be easy, but it's worth it when communication improves and relationships are less strained. Glad to hear about the counseling, too.

Sending **hugs** and good thoughts your way.

[Patonb]

Sorry patonb. I didn't mean to rant off your response. I am just ranting in general. It just spun out of writing a response to your two very good points. I would have ranted anyways lol.

Rant away, It does unbelievable amount of good....... And, as LmC said, scream at us.... we understand
I miswrote my comment though, What i meant by:

Just a thought, i try to keep my family as far from my care as possible

Was.. I try to keep my family as far from my care as possible, so i really am not a good person to talk. Also, i'm Canadian, so Funding for attedants is pretty good.

My english is bad... I'm an Engineeer

How you get things happy, family is the only thing we have that has to love you no matter how dumb we are.