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  • Why do you want kids?

    I'm really confused with all this wanting a kid stuff.

    First, I support any SCI person's decision to have a child. It is their prerogative, and I wish them the best.

    But my confusion stems over a simple question. Why would you want to have a child, especially after SCI? Doesn't make sense to me. So much was taken away from your ability to be independent (conceivably), and now you want to add a kid to take what little of your time and energy you have left?

    Kids take away your free time. They drain money, energy, and cause stress. Why would you want to add that to your life, ESPECIALLY now that you have been dealt such an awful situation? It seems counterintuitive, and self-destructive.

    I am a strong advocate of people finding fulfillment in their lives. I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

    I'm sure that there's something I'm missing here. Maybe when I get older, I'll see that parenthood brings indescribable joy and fulfillment. But it's not the only thing out there. And I would think, as people who suffer through SCI, more of you would realize that there's a lot more to life than being a parent.

    I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, but I would like some answers from SCI men/women who would like to be parents in the future. What do you find so appealing?

    Sincerely,

    Piano Dave
    "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

  • #2
    I'd like to have someone around that I can boss around all the time.

    Seriously, I have no desire to be a father right now, but I hope to
    one day have children. If done right, you won't be the only parent,
    don't forget that.

    Also, as the kid gets older, maybe they can be of some help to your
    situation.

    I would like to have children to pass on my name. It would be cool
    to see what they would look like and act like. I'll be damned if I let
    my injury stop me from being a father.
    Word to your mother

    Comment


    • #3
      Dave,

      Are you around little kids ever? Do you spend any time with them, knowing them, playing with them, loving them (even though they aren't yours)? Spending time with kids can do a lot to change a person's mind.

      I have been around little kids my entire life. I am the 4th of 5 children, and my sister had my first niece when I was 5. Kids have always been around. I have spent due time babysitting, change diapers, giving baths, giving piggybacks, teaching them to swim. All of the fun stuff before SCI. Two weeks before I got hurt, I found out my brother and his wife were having another baby, and I can't even tell you how happy I was. I ran around the house like I was on drugs. When it was about time for my sister-in-law to have Caleb, I worried about whether I'd even be able to hold him. I didn't want to drop him or something. But I did just fine. He is the only nephew I have who has never seen me walk. He might never get to. But does that stop him from loving me? No way. I love that kid to pieces. He knows it. I know it. Most everyone who sees him with me knows it.

      I plan on having kids. Definitely. It's scary, yes. Part of my confidence that I will be alright is Caleb (sorry I talk about him a lot) and that my brother and his wife trust me, even despite SCI and my chair, to babysit still. He's only 2 and, yeah, it's a challenge sometimes when I watch him. I can do it though. I think I have proven that to a lot of people and I can't wait to have one of my own...just have to settle down and be ready first of course. Oh yea, and find a good guy who wants a kid too.

      I think that anyone who has the ability to love and nuture can raise a child. Not everything has to be physically done by you to be a good parent. Maybe part of good parenting as a SCI is being able to ask another person (one who is able) to help out with what is hard. I'd be more than happy to put my pride on the line to have my little girl or boy look at me and say "Mommy!"
      Last edited by CurlieQCarrie; 03-07-2006, 02:39 AM.
      If there is light
      it will find
      you

      --Charles Bukowski

      Comment


      • #4
        I definitely want kids....I have been around kids my entire life and absolutely love 'em....It was the weirdest thing, I could be in a restaurant and have a kid I've never met before poke his head over the booth and grin...It was always just so genuinely heartwarming to have those interactions with little kids.....Yea, I'm a softy..Wanna fight about it

        Now its harder...I miss getting down on the floor to wrestle with my cousins more than I do playing football....Now they kind of see the chair and don't know what to think....

        I always envisioned myself as being the big time sport dad....out there coaching my kids, helping them practice....Now I can't even throw a football correctly

        I still want kids though...for sure....They bring so much joy into your life....

        Comment


        • #5
          Aw, Carrie. You make me smile. And I hope you have ooodles of children. Okay, well not ooddles, but as many as you want.

          I don't think my life would ever feel complete without children in it. They are a true source of joy for me and if I'm lucky enough, I'll be a mother one day. If not, I'll try and be the best aunt a kid could ever have.

          Comment


          • #6
            Even when you've met the right person ... there seems to be a void ... and I think that void is lack of children. Sure, they will take up all your extra time and money ... but the feeling of pride, accomplishment, connection, familial intimacy ... wouldn't that be worth it? It doesn't seem like it would be a walk in the park ... they could cause you trouble, lots of it at that ... but it's a risk. What thing in life isn't a risk?

            A lot of the guys I work with say if their wife died, it would be tragic ... but to lose a child could end them.

            At 33 and with chronic pressure sore problems, it isn't going to happen for me. It should have in my late twenties ... but it just didn't.

            You can't let the disability dictate your life for you ... it's difficult to step out of the box and ask if it is something you would have done, should the SCI never have happened. For me, that answer was definitely yes! But unfortunate health and luck and time have changed all that.

            I am mulling adoption over in the back of my mind ... not too old or unhealthy for that. Lot of money involved though. I, too, admire the ones who have gone on to childbear despite physical obstacles.

            Just speaking for myself, a guy saying he doesn't want children would be a big turn-off for me ... even though I can't have them now. It's just too closed-minded for me and indicative of that closed-mindedness. OTOH, some couples defend their choice of not having children fiercely. Hey that's fine ... if you find a partner that agrees with you.
            Last edited by lynnifer; 03-07-2006, 04:20 AM.
            Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

            T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Buck_Nasty
              If done right, you won't be the only parent, don't forget that.
              Let wifey do all the hard and smelly work and you can play with them at your leisure. Get daddy another beer outta the fridge junior. That's the right attitude.

              Originally posted by Buck_Nasty
              Also, as the kid gets older, maybe they can be of some help to your situation
              Get a helper monkey too. But seriously, to have kids so that when they get older and "stronger" they'll be able to help you with your SCI doesn't seem, at least to me, to be the proper reason for having kids. Fathers help raise and nurture their children, not the other way around. Especially in our society. In poor, third world countries that's one of the main reasons (it's a form of old age Social Security) for having children, and lots of them, but not here in the US and most modern countries.

              And that passing on the name (your genes) stuff seems a bit egotistical to me. In all animals, (including humans) especially in the wild, it's genetically built into animals to pass on their genes and some will fight to the death for the opportunity. But humans can reason beyond that desire and concept.

              Why do you think fucking is so much fun and feels so good... it's designed that way to encourage reproduction. In the same way that eating feels good, it encourages us to do it so we'll survive.

              If fucking hurt, would we be very concerned about losing our ability to do it!?
              "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

              Comment


              • #8
                I think we can give love to kids that aren't born from us,there are plenty lonely/abandoned/mistreated kids in our world that simply would be happy if there is someone who wants them as a son/daughter.

                There was a time I wanted to be a mom,it was when I met one of the guys who have been "the love of my life" (only 2 men-one disabled and the other non disabled),the disabled was a little cruel but showed me "the inconveniences of our situations",then he married a nurse, the non disabled couldn't really handle the disability issue and he prefered a MILF with 3 kids...on the other hand, i have also discovered that it would be irresponsible from me being a single mom,besides a little extra burden I don't need nowadays,my parents have never denied me any help and I know that if I wish having a baby they would help me in all but heck!,that is not my purpose in life, I love my parents but I have had enough of "listening their advices due to my disability and live with them" . Having a baby just would chain me more to them (considering I don't have a husband and I don't think I'll have one any soon),besides and needless to say: as a disabled, it'd be very uncomfortable and too risky carrying a baby for many issues and circumstances, and well pain simply don't mix with being pregnant because No chance of medicines (even for bowel routine)...,just a few months ago, my sister in law delivered her first baby (Dec. 2nd,2005),she was living with us the last months of her pregnancy because she developed preclamsy (not sure its well written),high blood pressure, swollen feet, constipation,etc (she was a very healthy woman when she wasn't pregnant),besides all this she suffered back pain (due to the baby weight),and her doctor almost didn't allow her having medicine,unless it was really needed,even pills for constipation weren't allowed,she could only get Senokot in a extreme constipation case...when her baby was delivered, the doctor made a C-section to her due to the high blood pressure,anyway I have witnessed 2 pregnancies at my home and if for non disabled women is painful,tiring and risky, I can imagine how it'd be for a disabled one! and I really don't want that for me,on the other hand I am 35, as I get older in age also I'll be into my body, I've been plenty radiated with Xrays, I've used plenty medicine,I don't have a safe job (in the sense of having medical support and a disability check, all this is non existent in Mexico,so if I don't work i don't have $$$$),the last thing I ever want is adding a "new son/dughter" to my parents,they have offered me any help but it'd be abusive from me,they are seniors now (over 64) and it simply wouldn't be wise enough.

                One day,maybe I would like adopting a daughter, but a girl that is a little older than a baby,a girl between 6 or 7 years old,but time will say....
                Wheels for Independence

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                • #9
                  Thanks for your replies. I hope it works out for all of you
                  "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I mean, seriously, who could pass up times like these?

                    Here he is one night while I was babysitting--ice cream for desert. He loves his pic taken.
                    If there is light
                    it will find
                    you

                    --Charles Bukowski

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I guess it depends on what you find joy in. I do not think my life would be any harder with a little one running around versus none. To see how much they change and grow every day is just amazing to me. But like Carrie and others have said I have almost always been around children therefore I think it is ingrained in me. I can't imagine passing up the big hug, the kiss, and the I love you Aly from my niece.

                      As for free time, what the hell is that? I'm not sure I have had any of that in years. Carrie that pic is adorable
                      www.cawvsports.org
                      The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. ~ Don Juan Matus
                      We are Virginia Tech… We must laugh again… No one deserves a tragedy… We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid…We are better than we think and not quit what we want to be…We are the Hokies…We will prevail, we will prevail, we will prevail. We ARE Virginia Tech! ~ Nikki Giovanni

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by bob clark

                        Get a helper monkey too. But seriously, to have kids so that when they get older and "stronger" they'll be able to help you with your SCI doesn't seem, at least to me, to be the proper reason for having kids. Fathers help raise and nurture their children, not the other way around. Especially in our society. In poor, third world countries that's one of the main reasons (it's a form of old age Social Security) for having children, and lots of them, but not here in the US and most modern countries.
                        You missed the point I was trying to make, but there is always some
                        asshole trying to twist my words.

                        I didn't have a dad, but I had my grandfather. From the age of 10
                        on up to my injury, I was his right hand. I helped him with everything
                        and it was a great experience.

                        Hope you can twist this one around too, asshole.
                        Word to your mother

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This forum is going up in flames hah.

                          But i do want kids as well! Just watching them grow would be exciting like little sea monkies! wee
                          Injured:10-16-04
                          C7/C8, T1 incomplete;


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                          • #14
                            I had my two boys before my accident, my first when I was 24. I'm so happy I did. They're beautiful. They fill me with a sense of pride, accomplishment and they'll carry on my name and a part of me when I pass on. And they're the only two people I know that don't look at me any differently after my accident. I'd love to have more kids if I find the right girl. People with SCI want kids for the same reasons AB people want kids. Wait until you're 30. You'll see.

                            Many more pictures.
                            Last edited by christopher; 03-07-2006, 04:47 PM.
                            www.worldonwheels.ca

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by pianodave
                              I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.
                              Piano Dave,

                              You are so incredibly off-base on all of this.

                              I get to speak from a unique perspective here. My wife was about 5 months pregnant with our first child when I had my accident. My injury is at T-9, so I'm not that far off from you.

                              Having Ryan in my life is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I am living the best I can. Every day I get to watch my son grow up. I get to see him smile when I roll into the room. I get to play with him, toss him around, crawl across the floor after him. He points at me and yells "Da!!" You can't beat that. He rides around on my lap like he's a king. He's just learning to walk now. Am I jealous? Absolutely! But I'm also so damn proud. I can not imagine not having him in my life.

                              I refuse to let my SCI stop me from making the best of things. Just because things are harder or there are limitations doesn't mean that I'm going to be afraid to try. Your whole post is littered with phrases like "awful situation," and "so much was taken away from your ability to be independent." It seems like you're already giving up. You're injured, get over it. Move on with your life and stop being afraid of things.
                              T8 complete - 9/4/04

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