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    #46
    Originally posted by bob clark
    PS. I paid for a couple abortions too when I was in my late teens/early 20s and it was probably for the best as I was paralyzed when I was 24. But you still think about "what coulda been". Geez, they'd be in their 30s now. Hmmmmm?
    Atleast you had input about the abortion(s). In my case, I didn't. She had without telling me. I find out after procedure was completed. Rumor has it, there was a possibilty of twins. Even tho' I was pretty young at the time, I was pretty excited about becoming a father. BUT...things turned out differently for whatever reasons.....
    "People Will Forget What You've Said, They'll Forget What You've did, but They'll Never Forget How You Made Them Feel" -Maya Angelou

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      #47
      I met a girl this past summer, who apparently "had no hang-ups about sex" like most uptight chicks did and as a result, enjoyed the company of many men, even when involved in a relationship. That's fine, to each his own, but she wasn't what I would like to call the brightest fish in the pond for numerous reasons but especially because she saw abortion as a form of birth control. In the duration of an extremely short period of time, she had three abortions. It broke my heart to hear that, knowing that I may not be able to have children and here she was acting in such a careless manner and using something that should be used as a last resort as her method of birth control, which she not only admitted to, but joked about.

      I fully believe in a woman's right to choose, but it shouldn't be a choice that she abuses.

      Comment


        #48
        Interesting thread

        I was born with a deformity of my fallopian tubes which after getting married I had corrected in order to conceive. I have one 4 yr. old daughter and have decided ,since being diagnosed finally after 12 yrs. of suffering with syringomyelia from a cervical injury, that she will be my only. Two would be a diservice to my daughter as I only have so much energy to spread around.

        I agree that raising a child takes from your free time for sure. I have found that since my injury everything is a struggle and depression comes easily. Having my daughter changed my life in many ways. She gave me the motivation to get out of bed every morning despite the pain. She gave me the drive to get back on the wagon of diagnosis. I had given up trying to find it after so long and was just living in agony. My injury was not acute and so it was not diagnosed properly for 12 yrs. I get sad sometimes when I feel I can't participate fully in parenting at times but I have a great husband who picks up where I can't and she doesn't miss out.

        I don't work right now and go to school part-time as well as parent. It is not easy but my daughter is my motivation for taking better care of myself. Rather than impeding me in any way she keeps me going, she reminds me of how precious I am to my family and how much I am loved just for who I am. She doesn't judge me and has decided at 4 that she will be a nurse or doctor so she can help people like her Mommy. I say she is a Neurologist in the making. She knows the meaning of spinal cord and neuropathic pain etc... She also has an aunt with a C 6/7 incomplete SCI. My twin. She is my light that guides me through the dark tunnels of SCI. She says it is okay Mommy because we are a family and families help eachother through good and bad times. Pretty wise statement for 4.

        Tanya

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          #49
          so maybe one of them will become a sports star or movie star and they can take care of their daddy and pay for his stem cell surgery.

          Plus I can live vicariously through them....lol

          I thought about the same thing Dave. If I was looking for someone to do stuff for me or take care of me, it would be cheaper just to hire professional help. If I was hoping that one of my children would make it big and take care of me financially, I would be better off taking the money required to raise them and invest it.

          The reason can't be quantified. However, I have one main reason and one secret one.

          1. Like most of the others I'm from a big family and have been around lots of kids.

          2. Survival of the fittest. I like to think I'm one of the fittest.

          ..... to refer to those individuals that are functionally most capable to tackle life challenges, i.e. to individuals endowed with phenotypic characteristics which improve most strongly one's probability of survival and reproduction

          Comment


            #50
            For all the women on this post...

            One of the first questions people ask me post sci is "Are you still able to have kids..."

            I'm a walking quad so I bet for those of you ladies with wheels you get the question alot too...

            I would never ask someone something so personal...people can be so rude.

            Comment


              #51
              Originally posted by pianodave
              I'm really confused with all this wanting a kid stuff.

              First, I support any SCI person's decision to have a child. It is their prerogative, and I wish them the best.

              But my confusion stems over a simple question. Why would you want to have a child, especially after SCI? Doesn't make sense to me. So much was taken away from your ability to be independent (conceivably), and now you want to add a kid to take what little of your time and energy you have left?

              Kids take away your free time. They drain money, energy, and cause stress. Why would you want to add that to your life, ESPECIALLY now that you have been dealt such an awful situation? It seems counterintuitive, and self-destructive.

              I am a strong advocate of people finding fulfillment in their lives. I guess I can believe ABs when they say parenthood is the best thing to happen to them. But SCIs wanting to be parents? I would personally rather go out and live the best I can, instead of staying at home and raising a child.

              I'm sure that there's something I'm missing here. Maybe when I get older, I'll see that parenthood brings indescribable joy and fulfillment. But it's not the only thing out there. And I would think, as people who suffer through SCI, more of you would realize that there's a lot more to life than being a parent.

              I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post, but I would like some answers from SCI men/women who would like to be parents in the future. What do you find so appealing?

              Sincerely,

              Piano Dave

              No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

              Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

              As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

              Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

              Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

              Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

              I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.

              I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)
              "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

              Comment


                #52
                WOW!!!!! He definitely sumed it up. PERFECTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! mother of two beautiful boys and a devoted wife to a para T12-L1, still wanting and soon having more.

                Comment


                  #53
                  Wonder how kids will change your life? Imagine waking up and hearing these words throughout the day. I am enjoying it while it lasts!

                  http://www.s88193409.onlinehome.us/binaries/heybabe.mp3
                  (a 13 second pieced together MP3)

                  Comment


                    #54
                    Originally posted by stlyin moe
                    No offense taken Dave. I am a parent. My son was 9 mos old when I broke myself in half in two places a little over 4 years ago.

                    Prior to him being born I was "OK" with having a kid. I had no compelling drive to have a kid, but was "OK" with it. I had a couple nephews and nieces and really enjoyed them so I knew I was going to be fine with it.

                    As soon as I buckled him into his car seat at the hospital and his little eyes stared at me while I was doing so I was overwhelmed. A switch was turned on at that moment and I knew I would shoot myself to donate my own heart if he needed one without hesitation. Almost every parent would do same if you asked them.

                    Now after having been a parent for the last 4 years, the thought of having another is so exciting and so desireable there are no words to convey it. It's like trying to describe how an orgasm feels to someone that's never had one and why everyone all around them can't wait to have one.

                    Kids don't take away from your life, they enhance it! The life you're living now is no life. You think you're in a relationship, but you're not. You think you have unconditional love, but you don't. You think you've got an incredible connection with someone, but there isn't. You think the cup in your life runneth over with freedom, love, carefree reckless abandon, "self" time and stress free, but it's all a mirage. Your cup has no bottom and as such it will never be full. Your cup will never fill with anything. You'll continue to dilude yourself that your life is fine as you pour more and more into that cup trying to fill it. Your music won't fill it. Your "relationship" won't fill it. Alcohol won't fill it. Drugs won't fill it. Nothing will fill it.

                    Someday you're going to have to confront your demons, deal with them and free your ass so your mind can follow. Only then will you understand the answer to your question.

                    I don't care what success you have in your life, it will NEVER eclipse the joy and rewards of having your own child. You're young and as time passes you'll mature and so will your perspective.....hopefully.


                    I hope you aren't offended by any of this...lol (sincerely)


                    Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

                    Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

                    One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

                    The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

                    That makes me cry.

                    I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.
                    "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

                    Comment


                      #55
                      Originally posted by pianodave
                      Interesting....I'm sure it's not intentional, but you're sort of coming across like an ass. Sorry.

                      Telling me I have demons, telling me I'll never know true joy, unless I go around with a turkey baster full of sperm impregnating happy childless women...

                      One of the reasons why I don't want kids is precisely because of that kind of pressure. SE

                      The assertion that the life I'm living now is no life really makes me angry. How can you say that? You can say I'm missing out, sure. Lots of people do, and perhaps they are right. But to say to a fellow SCI (who's been through his own little hell) that my lifestyle is completely empty...

                      That makes me cry.

                      I may be delusional, but I seriously don't appreciate your condemnation on the way I choose to live my life.

                      You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

                      If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

                      I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

                      Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

                      Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

                      And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol
                      "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

                      Comment


                        #56
                        Originally posted by stlyin moe
                        You're right that was presented poorly. Please accept my apologies. Having said that, I do believe you have demons. I do believe you will never know true joy until you have a child of your own. Knowing your relationship and your thoughts about it are what have brought me to this determination.

                        If you're angry about the life you're living now, that's a good start. Take a long look at it and make changes to improve it.

                        I say these things as a friend Dave. I wish for you the most wonderous joy a human will ever know. I'm not a bible thumper and I'm not preaching that you need to find Jesus and be saved or any thing of the sort. This is something much more tangible and for me, much more rewarding.

                        Dave take 3 hours to talk to a shrink and get their thoughts about your relationship if you think the feedback you've received here is invalid. I'm worried about you. It makes me extremely sad to read your thoughts about your relationship.

                        Use your anger to seek out a professional's opinion and really think long and hard about what they have to say...

                        And for Pete's sake get someone pregnant!...lol


                        Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

                        Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

                        Seriously, though, demons?

                        I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

                        Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

                        Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


                        I hope we're still friends.
                        "Leela, you look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso."

                        Comment


                          #57
                          Some people just don't desire to have kids. I don't think it makes life more or less meaningful. For me I couldn't live without my daughter. She gives me life. But on the other hand, I don't want anymore children because I don't feel physically able to do so and because I am just plain getting old. If you want children, by all means have children. But have children for the right reason.....that being because you desire to have them. If you are happy and your spouse is happy then PianoDave Do what makes you happy. Life can be meaningful and complete with or without children. We can tell you all day long how wonderful it feels to be a parent and what children bring to our lives but if the desire to be a parent is not in your heart, your child is going to be missing out.......It really is an individual choice that no one can make but you. Don't let SCI scare you into thinking you can't be a good parent. There are alot of able bodied bad parents around.
                          T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

                          My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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                            #58
                            Funnily I had never really thought about having kids until after I got injured, not sure if it would be fair to have them now, when I think about having kids I just think about all the stuff if I was a parent I wouldn't be able to do for them or with them that I would want to, my parents sucked so it kind of worries me that I'd be a bad parent too..
                            Saying that my best friends children who are 3 and 5 are the only two people that really don't see the wheelchair and all the stuff I can't do and I can't imagine my life without them in it.

                            Comment


                              #59
                              Originally posted by pianodave
                              Anger? I'm not angry. I still take issue with your idea that I have these "demons," but I am certainly not mad at you. From your above comments, I see you for what you truly are...a nice guy who's trying to help.

                              Thank you for stating your views more concisely--I knew you weren't an asshole!

                              Seriously, though, demons?

                              I am very happy with my life...I don't recall having given any indication that I was upset. If you care to look for some hint as to this "unhappiness," post anything I've said, and we'll see where you get this idea.

                              Note that I am not trying to cover up my true feelings. My true feelings are that my relationship works and that everything is going wonderfully.

                              Moe, perhaps you are right about the kid thing. Maybe I'm just too young. But I've done most of my maturing through this SCI, and my overriding mindset after nearly losing my life is more "carpe diem" than anything. And to get this fulfillment you suggest through children--well, that would require more time and energy than I'm willing to give.


                              I hope we're still friends.

                              Of course!

                              Like I said earlier having a kid is like trying to explain an orgasm to someone that's never had one. Imagine back to before you were sexually active and think about how "fulfilled" your life was in comparison.

                              Sometimes a lack of time prevents me from a proper response and I put together a rough version of what I'm trying to express and it almost always comes off as an asshole remark. I'm trying to get someone's attention in a short amount of time but it never works to achieve the desired thought being provoked.

                              I never "wanted" a kid. I never had a burning desire. It wound up happening and thank god it did. Dave you're a great guy. You've overcome more than any human should ever have to. Reward yourself with a kid, the sooner the better and don't let the chair convince you that you'd be a poor parent...
                              "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty." ~ Thomas Jefferson

                              Comment


                                #60
                                Dave
                                You are like every other intelligent young man i know (well maybe not all of them). You have a right to question whether having children is right for you. I dont think of my daughter as fulfillment or as a "reward" at all. Having her was something I chose to do and what was right for me. You are young and now is obviously not the right time to have a child for you. You may change your mind and you may not. As I said child rearing is not for everyone. I strongly disagree with stylin moes opinion to "reward yourself with a kid". Sooner is not always better either even more so if you are not sure. It worked for you Moe but not everyone may feel the same way. What if he takes your advice and is miserable.....what then?????? He cant walk away from the responsibility he has created. That is the very reason we have so many single parent households headed by mostly women. The other parent didnt take responsibility for their rewards.......

                                Dave if you ever decide to have children when the time is right for both you and your partner.......you can do it in a chair just as well and probably better than an AB person........
                                T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

                                My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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