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Family members and inaccessible homes

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    It is unfortunate your relatives are so insensitive, and their approval is so necessary to you! It is quite obvious that these people use you, and do so badly. The way to stop this is not to be able to feed them or perhaps even be able to seat them when they pop in.

    After several applications of your not being prepared for their tribe, making them buy the chow, (never cheap) and even cleaning up the house, they will slow down their visits, you simply make it too easy for them to abuse your hospitality. You will never quite understand the selfishness these people exhibit. Because you are, what you are, and that is unselfish, and welcoming, but now they should be catering to you. My "mom" was like that and as soon as her in law relatives no longer needed something from her, they never spoke to her again. That is something I will never forget or forgive.

    Yes we have the almost compulsory portable ramps, one short, and home made, and one longer aluminum folding. They work when we have a older sibling get together, (usually Thanksgiving) when we (all of us) rent a home/condo for the week, as centrally located, as possible. which can be an interesting project, because we are scattered across the Nation. But I am the only crip in the group, most private rental homes say HP accessable, but often getting to the front door is the challenge. And I must have my powered wheelchair, or be pushed in a manual chair, as well as a HP set up bathroom. Finding such places can be a challenge, but we seem to be able to find someplace acceptable every year.

    It is perhaps time for these folks to cater to you, and you not be home for them when they show up unannounced. If they have to go home because you will not answer the door, they might get the message. You, and they need to accept the fact you can no longer do it alone. Not that you don't want to, you simply cannot do it. Make them understand that, it if they will. If they won't send them on their way. You'll cry and feel badly for quite a while, but that will pass. Even if your husband does all this, you will still feel badly. Let it go.

    Sorry if this sounds brutal, but abuse takes many forms, and this is one form of abuse. That's the way it is.


      I have read most of the first section of this thread.
      Here is my take, for what it is worth.
      Wheelchairs or no, people need to get it into their heads that shit can happen at any turn AND we all age and with age comes those unforeseen considerations, like ease of accessibility and with that, continued independence.
      I have seen my Father in a care facility and my Auntie too. Those places are the very last option for any thinking person. I would rather demise than exist in such a place.

      Accessible homes are for the able bodied too. In fact the able bodied would benefit greatly and function a whole lot better with such planning of their homes; we all would.
      IMO well planned accessible homes are smart, efficient homes for both cripples and the able bodied.
      Perhaps they should be compulsory under planning legislation??

      As for the original family stuff of the OP, that is best sorted directly; or not.
      Be an independent person and stand your ground. It seems to me that by catering to their wants you have become the social welfare stop off for the extended family. You have made a rod for your back and will have to endure until such time that you change. Because after so long, it is very apparent that they wont.
      Or just suck it up.


        Quote; "Perhaps they should be compulsory under planning legislation?? "

        Being a former Fire, Building, Zoning Codes officer, think such a legislative rule "IF Fought" would be found unconstitutional. "WE" (codes) officers do not belong in anyone's "home" telling you how to arrange it. After the actual construction, for which you pulled a permit, and you get a Certificate of Occupancy, A CEO does not belong in your home as a municipal officer. "I" have no right to interfere within your home without a complaint and your permission, OR without a search warrant, for a very specific purpose.

        There is no way HP accessibility can be a required undesired design for a private home. However, multiple occupancy rental units can be required to have such design requirements.

        I can think of many reasons you might want to build your new home HP accessible, besides being more salable. But that is "the owner's" choice, not a possible municipality's legislative requirement.


          OK, there are aspects that I am not familiar with and had not considered.

          That is interesting when there is so much legislation that impinges on our 'rights' almost at every turn; but not when it comes to designing an efficient dwelling?
          Maybe the design benefits should be put forward for consideration by developers/owners for all potential or existing dwellings.
          Accessibility is the furthest from the minds of most all people until the reality arrives by way of accident, illness or plain old age.
          It would save a lot of $ personally (and through the state- our taxes) and dislocation if the family home was designed with the future in mind.
          It is far nicer to be able to function within the community that you are familiar with rather than have to relocate to suit your health needs.


            While neither federal or state laws in the USA mandate "visitability" for new private home construction, some towns and cities have implemented this. Here is a definition of "visitability":

            “Visitability” means a very basic level of accessibility that enables people with disabilities to easily visit homes. Three architectural conditions usually distinguish a visitable home: (1) one entrance with no steps, (2) doorways at least 32 inches wide, and (3) at least one half-bath on the main floor.

            This article is from 2010, so there many be a number of other examples of these jurisdictions who have enacted this as part of code since that time:


            The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.


              SCI Nurse, Very respectfully; If you notice. there are exceptions for every State and local provision. Some States provide for considerable financial support for private homes with preconstruction approved HP provisions (visitable). It is a far more sticky situation when a private individual is "forced" to pre-plan their structural provisions.

              Quote; "There is no way HP accessibility can be a required undesired design for a private home. However, multiple occupancy rental units can be required to have such design requirements".

              I as a Codes Enforcement Officer would not discourage a builder from providing these amenities, far from it. I firmly believe such provisions enhance resale value for such homes. Financing of such "New Construction" is another sticky provision in law, My only point is using "FORCE" of law to make individuals construct their homes to be HP friendly IS at a a minimum, questionable, and would be found to be an unconstitutional provision if it were court challenged. As a CEO I would be extremely hesitant to try to enforce such a provision, while doing a CEO construction plan review as a part of the Permitting process. However, as a CEO and a HP person(now & then) I would/did heartedly encourage following those provisions.

              During the construction of most homes the most (to me) visible challenge is; the initial entrance to in some places from a sidewalk, where a step-up due to grade leveling, or to the front step(s) of the home. Mostly some minor changes to the landscaping scheme can make this a non-issue. During a plan review, I would send the plans back to the Architect or Engineer with these suggested changes, with a full explanation of why "I" sent them back. If I "knew" this was a project financed with PUBLIC funding and speculative built I would send such information to the Agency involved, "I" would never outright reject it on my own council and authority.

              Towns and Cities are famous for making unconstitutional provisions. A blinded CEO could get themselves in a lot of personal difficulty enforcing unconstitutional Ordinances and statutes. It's a scary proposition.