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    did you decide not to...

    ...have children because of your accident? I am thinking about not having children because I am afraid I will rob them of something or it would just be so hard on me becuase I would want to do something with them and cant.

    #2
    No, I never thought of not having children so I got three and got divorced. I was tired some years but I do not regret having them.

    TH 12 incomplete 12-12-69.
    TH 12, 43 years post

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      #3
      NEVER! As his wife, I have filled in for him for certain things...like the father/daughter hayride at church but honestly, I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel like she's missing out on anything because he's in a wheelchair.

      It's because of him that she has the heart she does. She's a very compassionate and empathetic 13 year old. She's also pretty handy when it comes to working with her dad on mechanical kinds of things - he has taught her well. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

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        #4
        No, I never thought about not having children because of my accident. My daughter is nearly 8 now, and I don't feel that she's been robbed at all. In fact, I think she's a pretty darn lucky kid to have me! I know that I'm a really good mom, and I think anyone who knows my daughter and I would agree. I'm very invovled in her life, I'm always there for her, I'm patient, I'm kind, I'm respectful. She's incredibly smart, all her classmates like her, and she's just a great kid.

        I may be singing a different song when she's a teenager, but I doubt it. She and I adore one another. Looking back on my own childhood, I was never as close to my mom as she is to me. Not even close. I think I'm a way better mom than my AB mom ever was.

        I have to admit that a few weeks ago we were at the Oregon coast and I wanted more than anything to go on the beach with her searching for shells and rocks. The sand is too soft though and I could only watch from a distance. Things like that do occassionally happen, but that's okay. Nobody and nothing is perfect. I couldn't physically be on the sand with her, but at least I could take her there, watch her, share in the excitement of the treasures she found. There are plenty of moms in my daughter's class who are too lazy or too busy or can't afford to or just don't want to do things like that.

        I'm proud to say that my daughter has a very good life.

        Alive for 35 years
        T4/5 complete for 26 years
        Mom for 7 years

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          #5
          Shannon,

          You are an inspiration. Not only to those who suffer from SCI, you being one of the most predominent and outspoken parents, but to us 'able-bodied' members also.

          Don't ever wonder who you are lady, you are the salt of the earth, a mensch (a yiddish word, look it up sis) someone who I empower my own children to be. I have no better compliment for anyone on this earth.

          You are better than this world deserves.

          Love,
          Jewel
          Do not live your life in fear of your own government because the moment that you do, is the moment they rule you.

          Me

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            #6
            In the last year or so alot of my friends have had kids. I hold them and try to play with them. It would be extra hard now that I am in this chair. I remember it being trying before. I can't imagine the baby and toddler years. Feeding and rolling around, up and down all night long, traveling around with a baby seat and the chair. Chasing a crawling baby... I ran over my brothers cat three times in the six months that he lived with me. Playing in the yard and chasing a toddler to keep them away from the road. I could probably go on and on.

            This is all coming from a single father that was very self-reliant. If I had the help and support of a loving spouse, I am sure it would be different. They would make it much easier.

            My daughter was five when I got hurt and I feel like she is missing out on stuff that I can't do with her now. I have tried to adjust and find things we can do, but it's not the same. Somehow, I think it's more me that is missing out on stuff. She doesn't seem to be concerned with it. Her mother and I coach her indoor soccer/basketball teams and it kills me to sit and watch her outdoor soccer practice and games. I would love nothing more than to teach her to ride her bike, take her to the beach, hike around the sand dunes or in the woods with her, take her on motorcycle rides, play soccer with her, the list could go on for ever. I was working on the house when I got hurt and teaching her about building, power tools, nailing, ect and that's all done with for now. I may be able to get other people to take her to do these things that I think everyone should be able to do, but it won't be me showing it to her. It might be selfish of me, but I think your concerns are valid. If you think you might be bothered by these things you should weigh their importance.

            On the other hand, I really value the things that I can still do with my daughter. She is my everything. She is why I get up each morning and why suicide was not an option a year ago. I love her very much and look forward to seeing her grow into a beautiful and intelegent woman.

            I guess after all of that I can't say if I would suggest children or not. SCI or not, it's the same basic question. Do you want to have kids? You shouldn't really let your injury dictate that for you.

            Sorry if I rambled. This is a topic close to my heart and with wich I have many strong and some mixed feelings.


            jOE

            [This message was edited by jplw on 04-29-05 at 01:12 AM.]
            jOE
            www.nwiscig.blogspot.com

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              #7
              It's my biggest regret that I didn't(haven't). My health deteriorated the past five years though (pressure sores, osteomyelitis) and it's probably a good thing that I didn't. (Even though the osteo is reportedly gone since the end of March yay!)

              If I had found the right man, I would have for sure ... but unfortunately I never met anyone that was father material in my eyes.

              Even as a paraplegic, the baby years would be daunting for me. You are admirable Shannon - and as a single mother too! I only wish but I'm way too chicken.
              Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

              T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

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                #8
                You w ill rob yourself of something if you don't. Never, at least for me, I never let or try to let my SCI prevent me from doing anything that I would have done before. I now have a 15 week old boy, January 7th, and it is the most fulfilling thing in the world. Yeah, I do think about maybe not being able to do things with him that I would have prior to the SCI, but, just like everything else, if there is a will there is a way. Thats what I tell myself. Use me for example, I am in my third term in law school and I took this last term off so my wife could have our baby. I am starting back this Sunday and am nervous because I may not have enough time for studying while I care for the baby. But, I ran into this girl in the bookstore at my school who is one semester from being done and she has a 10 month old. She was able to get thru the rigors of studying and raising a child. So, it is possible.
                I am a person that never wants to regret anything or anything more than what I already regret, so, live life to the fullest and enjoy, because it can be good.
                Children are great. I was so scared before we knew she was pregnant because I knew that she would want a child and I was scared that I might not be able to impregnate her because of bad sperm that is so often the case with SCI. But, without planning, and two weeks into school she walks into the room with that test, crying. I'm pregnant. Have fun and enjoy it.

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                  #9
                  Thank you Jewel and Lynnifer! I'm not one to toot my own horn usually, but when it comes to raising my daughter, I am so proud of myself! [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

                  It's an incredibly hard job, AB or SCI. But, the rewards are so worth it.

                  Alive for 35 years
                  T4/5 complete for 26 years
                  Mom for 7 years

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                    #10
                    Thanx, you have all given me a lot to think about. People like you Shannon are truly great!

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                      #11
                      Shannon - your confidence is remarkable and inspirational, especially to anyone who is on the fence with this issue. Yes, you should be proud of yourself and your daughter. [img]/forum/images/smilies/cool.gif[/img]

                      Great responses everyone. [img]/forum/images/smilies/smile.gif[/img]

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                        #12
                        I think that if I hadn't gotten pregnant accidently I might not have chosen to have kids because of fear. But now we are considering planning another! Sure its incredibly hard, a tremendous amount of work but the rewards are huge. My daughter has given my the reason to live my life to the best of my ability so I can be a great mom - disabled or not.

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                          #13
                          Shorty, having a child has been the greatest blessing I have received in this life. I had almost given up that dream. My son has been there for me in every way possible just as I have tried to be there for him too. I believe that a parents' job is to mainly teach our children to love unconditionally, to be patient, caring and the best as a human being. From that point on, the other things will fall into place. You will not be robbing your child of anything if you can't do everything physically because of your sci or any type of disability. None of us can do everything even if AB.

                          My son has learned to be a good father with Isis, my granddaughter. I see how patient he is and feel so proud of him. Patience is one of the things I have tried to teach him always. He has been a patient, loving, caring human being who cares about me and so many here. He has learned a lesson from having to deal with all the problems a person with SCI lives with and in turn it has made him a unique young man. (You can tell how much I love him, huh?) This is something you would also teach a child of your own. I believe it is even more important than if you can't teach him how to jump or any other physical action. Keep this thought in mind, children's hearts and spirits are the most important things in life. They need those lessons first. Love, charity and faith is needed more now in this world's people, particularly children.

                          Don't rob yourself of the greatest priviledge you can have, being a father. In turn, you will also place a great human being in this earth. We need more of them.

                          And never limit yourself as to what you can do. Try before you say, "I can't".

                          Raven
                          Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. ~Victor Hugo~

                          A warrior is not one who always wins,
                          but one who keeps on fighting to the end ~ Unknown ~

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                            #14
                            For those who did have children, how much outside/extra help did you require to help care for the child?

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by Sh0rty:

                              For those who did have children, how much outside/extra help did you require to help care for the child?
                              I have had my children in what do you call it, kindergarden, when they were small so they could do all the physical things with them there. Another friend of me did the same. She has gotten two children and is a complete t12. The rest of the time both of us have made it alone.

                              TH 12 incomplete 12-12-69.
                              TH 12, 43 years post

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