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    Motivation for Son???

    I need some ideas. . .

    My 16-year-old son was injured 8-21-04 in a mva and is a T12. He has a younger brother (15), an older sister (18) at college. It is the second SCI in our family. My uncle was a C5 (1965), he died in 2000 after a kidney transplant, our families are very close and he was "my dad" (mine died in 1978).

    After spending a week at the hospital after surgery, we went to Shriner's in Chicago for wc bootcamp (Really, though it's a great place). We were home after 4 weeks and he went right back to school.

    He has just started driving again and yesterday I let him drive to school for the first time. He was suppose to go to PT right after school. He didn't and then lied about it to me. Amy the PT had called me, he was busted big time.

    I try to keep giving him more responsiblity. After begging me for months, he recently got to spend the night at his friends and took care of all his needs (at least that's what he told me).

    So now he's grounded for the weekend. . .now he's really mad and trying to gain my sympathy . I am so tired of falling for it but I feel so bad.

    To top it all off, we got in a huge (verbal) fight this morning when he refused to go to school. He's 6-1 and about 170 lbs. I really shouldn't say fight. I do must of the pleading, yelling, screaming, crying. . .he just laid there.

    He's really a good kid. He just hates school. I used to be able to use football as a tool to get him to do what he should, grades, to tow-the-line, whatever. Now since he can't play, he just doesn't give a $h#t! He is not motivated!!! He only wants to hang with friends, gf and play xbox. No outside activities.

    Anybody have any suggestions?????

    #2
    Just remember, you are the parent. He is still living under your roof. All he wants is to hang out w/ friends, his girlfriend, and the xbox? Take away the x-box and his car keys. School will start looking pretty good once there is nothing amusing to do at home. If it takes you driving him to PT for him to do it, then drive him. When he is 18 he can decide then if he wants to throw his life away. If he wants to be trusted, he needs to earn your trust. Give him responsibility at home before you give him the responsibility of driving to school and to PT (and actually going).

    I was 6 when I was injured and I would never have gotten away with that crap with my mother. Don't plead, don't yell, don't scream, and good grief don't cry. You are the parent. You set the boundaries. Don't be afraid to "tow the line" now that your kid is SCId.

    Comment


      #3
      Yay Lindsay.

      They come out of the womb manipulating, and God knows it's easier to give in. He has a shiny new manipulation card to play...make him stick it back in the deck.

      No xbox, no money, no driving w/o school and pt. You didn't break his back. Don't let him guilt you.

      If your skin is thin, best keep it off the Internet-Betheny
      Blog:
      Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

      Comment


        #4
        LindayS

        Duh,

        This kid is stubborn. He is not the average teenager in my house. I have two others, one younger and one older and they are nothing like this kid.

        I have taken away xbox, friends and he is now grounded from car.

        The last time we had a spat, no friends, no xbox for a week. . .no big deal for him. He just slept.

        He has been pretty responsible for himself except for bowel program and laundry. He picks up after himself and his friends, will fix his own meal and takes care of the dogs when needed.

        I just don't understand and can't figure him out!

        Comment


          #5
          This is a tough one, that's for sure. Whatever you do, don't cut him any slack because of his SCI. That's the worst thing you can do.

          What are his future plans? College, career, etc.? It sounds like a punitive approach isn't working, try subtly giving him information on what he needs to do right now and going forward to achieve his goals, ie, GPA, volunteering, extra-curricular activities, etc.

          Good luck,
          Sue
          Please submit your photo and story of hope:

          http://bridges2hope.unite2fightparalysis.org/


          http://unite2fightparalysis.org/

          Comment


            #6
            T12 needs to be doing his own bowel program. If he doesn't want to, just don't do it for him...pretty soon he will.

            The only way I could get my kids to school was to make it much more hellish to be home. In the interest of fair disclosure, the oldest moved to live with his real mom at 15 because she didn't make him go to school. The youngest is mine and is stuck with being educated.

            If your skin is thin, best keep it off the Internet-Betheny
            Blog:
            Does This Wheelchair Make My Ass Look Fat?

            Comment


              #7
              Sounds to me like you've got an adolescent son - mix in his injury and the fact that only four months has passed since the accident. He's not going to be a pro football player, but how about a coach? Oh yeah, and a coach needs a college degree. How about getting him back into regular PT and w/c sports? Go with him if you can. Talk about how well his sister is doing in College and that his younger brother will be in college before him. Take him to visit the University of Illinois in Urbana (is it close?) where they actually have some of the best w/c sports programs in the country. The driving is important for independence as is his keeping his relationship with his friends. The bowel care should come as he strives for more independence. Is it a single-parent family or can his father assist as well? Again, four months is not a lot of time and he's got to cope with the injury and his parents too - Good Grief!
              Carl

              Comment


                #8
                Bethany,

                He will do bowel as soon as he gets his brace off. He finds it akward to bend and can't reach yet with it on.

                Hehe, I wish I could make it more hellish. [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

                This isn't a new behavior. Before his injury I took him to the not so nice part of town and showed him how he could end up.

                I know he hates school but he will tolerate it. I think the episode this morning was a more of you can't make me do it thing.

                I have also told him to start looking for a job.

                Susan,
                I have asked him these questions before--believe it or not at one point he said a teacher, lately he has said a madd scientist or join the army. He won't take it seriously. His GPA is a joke. I thought he might be a little more serious now that the gf has come along (she's a good student, involved in drama, student council pres, etc.)

                But what gets me is he slides along all semester, won't turn in home work (in the past I have sat there and watch him do it, saw him put it in his book bag, made sure he took the bag to school but it somehow didn't get turned in!)and then when it comes time for finals he'll ace the test and raise the grade to passing.(so I figure he must care somewhat)

                He has done volunteer work in the past at my insistance. He'll start again as soon as things start to warm up again.

                Now, he won't answer the phone!!!!!!Ugh!!!

                Comment


                  #9
                  Carl,

                  Two parent family.

                  UofI is very close, actually the Illinois High School Sports Assoc. has wheelchair basketball His football coach and I tried to get him to go to a clinic in November but he wouldn't.

                  When we were at Shriner's he played basketball almost everyday the last two weeks. (I got a lot of exercise).

                  He's going (when I, his sister or dad take him) to PT three times a week for 1.5 hours since we came home from rehab.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    he's a teen, what do you expect? Boot him in the a$$. SCI is not a factor here (in my opinion) Mom.
                    If he knows that he can get you on the poor me routine then you no longer have control. I did just enough to graduate high school and now fourteen years later I am on the Deans list, but I still hate school!

                    T-10 complete
                    10/08/01
                    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO' what a ride!"
                    T-10 complete
                    10/08/01
                    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO' what a ride!"

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Ever sit him down, look him in the eye and say "Well son you now get to make all your own decisions." Whatever you decide you get to live with it".Kinda puts the ball in his court.
                      You may be surprised how many good decisions He will make.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        thanks murrey,

                        I kinda like that. . .

                        I did call his old football coach (who he respects greatly) and talked to him a bit. He is going to bump into him at school and see what he can find out.

                        Patrick, I can't lift my leg that high (ha)

                        I know i shouldn't get suckered in to that, but is so hard.

                        Can I ask you why you hate school?

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Tough love is all that will work here. As you know, 16 yo boys will act like this, SCI or not, but of course he is risking more with his health than most AB boys. Instead of being punitive you might want to turn it around and use incentives as rewards...ie, if he goes to therapy 3X during the week, he earns the right to use the car from 6PM-midnight Saturday, for example.

                          There are devices that would allow him to be independent with his bowel care now. You don't have to wait for his jacket to come off.

                          I would also like to endorse how helpful family therapy can be in a situation like this. Find a good family oriented clinical social worker or psychologist who can work with the entire family on these issues. You can require him to go (he is 16, and as said before, don't give him a choice). You should be able to get a referral through the rehab center he went to, or through his SCI physician.

                          (KLD)
                          The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

                          Comment


                            #14

                            Can I ask you why you hate school?
                            I dont know. I have always strugled and couldn't learn unless it was hands on. I stuck with construction because it was something I was good at and knew well. Now, its kinda hard to scale a girder sixty feet in the air when you cant even reach a glass in the upper cabinets. I will graduate in May with a degree in architecture. I currently have five clients I am doing/have done plans for. So I guess it has worked out for the best.

                            T-10 complete
                            10/08/01
                            "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO' what a ride!"
                            T-10 complete
                            10/08/01
                            "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO' what a ride!"

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Well, in any culture or society, the word "school" is cursed. Tell me if you loved school when you were 16 and I'll tell you ... "you're lying". I hated school when I was in high school though I belonged to the top 10 of the 'cream of the crop'. School to me was a 'crap' (let me borrow your American lingo).

                              Follow your son's wishes. Don't nag him. Dig his hidden innermost or talent. Appreciate him as the best son in the world. We all have talents. I don't believe on a 'gifted child'. We all have something on our alleles. Try to befriend his friends just how I did to my son's and daughter's when they were 16. They are now 22 and 20 respectively and they still live with me like my 'little puppies'. Likewise, don't be too demanding which is common amongst mothers. You didn't mention a father figure in your house. Is the father alive? Let him mingle with his biological dad, if not, biological uncles. Sure, that would help.

                              Lastly, remember 16 is 'sweet sixteen'. You've got to be a 'sweet mom', won't you?

                              Goodluck and all the best to your family.

                              Hashem

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