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    dealing with heartless people

    I'm so absolutely ticked off right now I could punch a hole in the wall. This is to vent a little bit and hopefully someone will calm me down!!!!

    I overheard someone saying "I'm not afraid of my spouse leaving me, no one would ever want them now b/c of the chair" What a total bunch of utter bullsh*t. I'm SO mad right now.

    Problem is this is someone I see on a semi-regular basis and had problems with looking at before b/c of the crap that's been said in the past. After this comment, I'm not quite sure I can keep my cool.

    #1 - UTTERLY UNTRUE
    #2 - They (sci) do NOT need to be made to feel that way
    #3 - how on earth am I going to be around someone who thinks this way and not comment on it.

    I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with this type person before. I would love to know how you deal with it. Even if I never get to have my say, at least I vented a little bit. Although I still want to go beat the crap out of something.

    Jodi


    "Your children make it impossible to regret your past"

    #2
    I knocked a man down on friday. I was in a pub and a man came up to me and was angry because I didn't speak with him. I should be grateful of his interest because I was in a chair. I told him to f*** off and leave and then he tried to hit me. Before he did it, I hit him with my fist. LOL, he was the one who was kicked out.

    I never been violent in my life and never been hitting anybody, but I got so angry when he tried to hit me, I lost my mind completly.

    Maybe not the best solution but the only one I found that moment.

    TH 12 incomplete 12-12-69.
    TH 12, 43 years post

    Comment


      #3
      Rock on lady from Europe!! You got Balls, I like that.
      Chae Wolterbeek

      Comment


        #4
        Luv, write the person a letter or send an e-mail if you can't trust yourself to maintain while talking to them in person. Tell them that you overheard this and that you consider this remark disloyal, untrue, and a back-stab to you. Tell them you are no longer comfortable being with them in social situations if this is their true feeling about people with disabilities (as if everyone is just damaged goods, only able to take the dregs of society on as a viable partner!). If they approach you to try to make peace, talk it out. If not, they are not worth the energy it would take to try to (probably unsuccessfully) change their mind. Drop them.

        (KLD)
        The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

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          #5
          Like me you're no spring chicken. I'm proud of you to.
          I'ts not over until I say it's over

          olly
          olly

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            #6
            I was in a restaraunt yesterday when this woman at the table next to my table said "the least he could do is shave," so I said out loud that my disability isn't deafness; it's paralysis. I can't believe how totally ignorant some people can be! It is as if I would be more apealling (in my chair) if I were freshly shaven. [img]/forum/images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

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              #7
              u know, i'm totally paranoid w/this exact type of thing. i'm afraid to be seen in the chair. my girlfriend had me in a wedding and we went out afterwards. my boyfriend and high school sweetheart was w/me and a guy i went to hs w/said "at least he stays w/her." all that did was reinforce my self-conscious and low self esteem. good to know it's not just me.

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                #8
                I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with this type person before. I would love to know how you deal with it.
                luv, the way I have dealt with these type people is that I completely avoid situations where they are likely to be. Sometimes it's hard and makes for an inconvenience, but for me, the inconvenience or missing out on an event is well worth the peace I have found by losing these losers. From my experience telling these people how you feel doesn't help. If they are the type person who would say something like that in the first place, they are not the kind of person who is going to care how it affected you once you tell them OR change their behavior. They may even twist your words to their advantage. Like the saying "action speaks louder than words", well so goes "ABSENCE speaks louder than words". THEY will notice you do not come around ONLY when THEY aren't there. Others will notice it too. I've not spoken to some loser relatives for over two years now, nor have I attended any functions where I knew they would be. They've gotten the hint and now it's eating them up. No, not because they care about me, but it's a slap in the face for them when it's obvious to them and everyone in the family and our friends that the reason I do not come around at certain times is THEM. Yes, I miss out on some things but the sweet relief of not having these uncaring headaches in my life on a DAILY basis, FAR outweighs anything I might miss otherwise. So, I may miss this event or that, I just create my own event sans them later. I know how you feel about wanting to take them to task for what they've said, but trust me, it will eat this person alive eventually when slowly but surely, it becomes obvious to them and everyone that they are not worth your time. I think rejection is the greatest punishment. If this person approaches you and asks you WHY the abscence, I'd tell the flat out truth and not blink. Otherwise, I'd let my absence be my message to them. Good luck!

                ~~~Honesty is the best policy~~~Treat others as you would like to be treated~~~Play hard, but play fairly~~~
                "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by jb:

                  u know, i'm totally paranoid w/this exact type of thing. i'm afraid to be seen in the chair. my girlfriend had me in a wedding and we went out afterwards. my boyfriend and high school sweetheart was w/me and a guy i went to hs w/said "at least he stays w/her." all that did was reinforce my self-conscious and low self esteem. good to know it's not just me.
                  jb,
                  I can relate. I can't count how many people (mostly women) have said to me, "You don't know how lucky you are that your husband stays with you, most men would have left you by now". Idiots.

                  Sue
                  Please submit your photo and story of hope:

                  http://bridges2hope.unite2fightparalysis.org/


                  http://unite2fightparalysis.org/

                  Comment


                    #10
                    OMG I am just floored by these people! What on earth is wrong with their brains?!?! I get so sick and tired of people who say I love you all the time and their actions say the total opposite. Makes me SICK!!! JB, that person was an idiot to say that to you. Shame woman from europe wasn't with you at the time!

                    Jodi


                    "Your children make it impossible to regret your past"

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                      #11
                      Jodi,

                      I think it's not so much an issue of dealing with heartless people as it is an issue of dealing with people who don't use the "brain God gave 'em" (as my grandpa used to say).

                      It would be so much easier for us as thinking people to deal with the non-thinkers if we were just like them, but would you really want to sacrifice yourself for the sake of peace? No, I'm sure you wouldn't, I know I wouldn't. So, how to deal? WM has a point about avoiding these people and I agree up to the point of where it keeps me from being where I want to be and sometimes there is just no way to avoid them as my place is with my hubbie. In these instances I've found that just telling people the blatant truth can be effective in waking them up just a bit. That's not to take anything away from WFE, kudos to her, and I'm not ruling out one day giving someone exactly what they're asking for, i.e. a good fat lip.

                      Here's an example:

                      Sometimes I drive to work with Matt and use his truck to run errands and pick him up at the end of the day. There are several rude b*tches at his job who've no clue how stupid they really are and I have no problem telling them. One in particular drove out of the parking area and as she passed said to me "why don't you make him walk?" and I just looked her in the eye and said "it sure would be nice if he could." I could tell by her reaction that it was as if I'd slapped her, she literally shook her head and I just smiled to myself. Later she told Matt it had shocked her because she "wasn't even aware of what she was saying."

                      This particular person is still a b*tch and will never "get it" IMO, however, for that moment she got slapped and woke up just a bit. Sometimes it's hard to let the truth just roll off your toungue because so many of us have been taught "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" and for the most part I'd agree with that. In these situations though, remember that what they are saying isn't nice and go ahead and let it out. Believe me, you'll feel so much better and maybe, just maybe, throw a little cold water in their face [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img].

                      I hope you feel just a little better, believe me, if you'd have seen the look on her face, you'd be laughing right now - I am [img]/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
                      Do not live your life in fear of your own government because the moment that you do, is the moment they rule you.

                      Me

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                        #12
                        Jodi,
                        I have found everyone in life to be different even before SCI. When I was first injured as many know friends etc. vanish. My best friend Mike came to the hospital and said "GET UP!!" As time went on he knew I would not.(He was also the one that helped me during a football knee injury and said the same thing, and I did get up.) Listen, I was the "FIRST" person I ever meet in a wheelchair so everyone will respond to you in a different way. A child in the store may come and shake your husbands chair, what do you do? Children are easy, they think you have a "COOL" bike, or they are scared and stand behind their parent. I enjoyed daycare with my son Matthew just to talk with the children, they were so cute with their questions.
                        Adults-For example my Mom, She insisted I be independent "as always" - tough, no hugs just get yourself together."Tough love" - She said one day after SCI "You do not understand I will never be a Grandmother."Well Mom here I am 21 years post with a 13 year old son who I have raised many of those years as a single Dad. The person you are speaking of is unthinking person who has to cuss to speak!!??Check out my "Boss will not fix the bathroom" thread. I've known him for 18 years, he would not wave at me when I spoke to him at a bar when he was with his "golfing buds" yet now he would. Granted I am still venting on him but maybe we both will learn over our lifespan. He does say hello when I see him in public now.
                        I found that just talking with people about SCI and responses help. When I go to a doctor and he does not sit down to ask what is going on, I know he does not have time for my problem and move on. I also can say the the oppposite with people "I" realize they do understand.
                        Matt
                        btw
                        Attached Files

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                          #13
                          Jodi-
                          I have come across several people like this since my injury 14 years ago.
                          I saw and heard a woman screaming once in Shriners' in Chicago. Her step-son had been shot by her nephew's rival gang. She screamed that she wouldn't take "that thing" home. My mom grabbed Josh and I and threw us into my room. We almost adopted him but his dad renigged.
                          In high school my boyfriend slept with one of my friends. He then came to St. V's ICU the next day to visit me. A friend of mine had walked in on them and told me before my bf came. He actually told me that I was DAMN LUCKY to have him and if I "put out" he won't have to cheat.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Sometimes people are so stupid. As far as saying because of being disabled no one would really want them:it just says to me they have likely never been loved I any deep way and/or have never loved anyone for the person they are inside. If so, they would understand that while disability it self is undesirable, it does not make the disabled person undesirable. On the other hand, I know I can be over sensitive to any small remarks. I used to think that my mother-in-law felt it would be better for my husband to lose me. She never said this; it was my interpretation of things she said and did and because she seemed so upset that I am paralyzed. Anyhow six or seven months after I had been home she hugged me and told me she was glad her son had a wife who makes him so happy. Well I think the problem was that I was paranoid. That said, I have heard some odd comments, seemingly kind, but suggesting my husband is some sort of saint or martyr for being with me, things like he is so understanding and compassionate. Oh well, most folks mean well but some are emotional cripples.

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